A robotic Uga as programmed by mad scientists at Tech
Deep within the catacombs of the Arthur B. Edge Center on the campus of the Georgia Institute of Technology, a team of scientists works feverishly on an endeavor so secret its code name — Operation ‘Droid Dawg– cannot be breathed under pain of banishment from the breakfast table at the Silver Skillet diner. It has taken decades for the project to reach this critical stage, and there were times when its originator believed it would never move beyond the blackboard.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the scientist in question, Prof. George P. Burdell, “we are but months from sweet fruition. We have the financing. We have the political leverage. What we need now are the devious touches that will make our animatronic bulldog the most effective faux animal weapon since the Trojan horse.”
“What if,” offers Simon Bar Sinister, doctor of robotics, “we program it to do everything a normal mascot would do, right up until the point he runs on the field and sees Lane Kiffin. And then, via remote control, we command him to turn that sweater inside out so he’s wearing not red but orange.”
“Good one, Bar Sinister,” Burdell says. “Anything else?”
“Here’s something.” This from Dr. Jack Stapleton, long the go-to guy when it comes to training dogs for nefarious purposes. (Google his name.) “We make it so our creation charges out of the tunnel in Jacksonville, and when he reaches midfield he stops, raises up on his hind legs and does the Gator Chomp with his front paws.”
Burdell nods. “I especially like that,” he says. “But we need something truly devious for the game two days after Thanksgiving.”
“I believe I have it,” says Velma Dinkley, a veterinarian who drives a peculiar flowered van. “Our side leads by four points. Aaron Murray throws long. A.J. Green catches the ball and breaks away for what seems the winning score. And my associate Shaggy whispers in Uga 8.0’s ear, ‘Go get him.’ Our creation dashes onto the turf and drags down Green at the 2-yard-line as time expires. Georgia Tech wins. We are triumphant.”
“Splendid, Dr. Dinkley,” Burdell says. “Simply splendid. And with that, we’re ready for the prototyping. Any questions?”
“Just one,” Bar Sinister pipes up. “Tell me again how we got PETA to propose this notion of having a robot mascot to the folks at UGA in the first place.”
Burdell: “I just thought of the stupidest thing I could imagine, and PETA said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ And their shrill lobbyists went to work, and finally Michael Adams said to Damon Evans, ‘Do whatever it takes, but make these loons go away.’
“And now we’re adjourned. Chili dogs — let PETA protest that! – at The Varsity on me!”
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429 comments Add your comment
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:53 pm
Mark, we are having an argument here. willie, UGArobbie and I claim to be you. Welcome to the new version of To Tell the Truth. I am hoping to win a new toaster.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:54 pm
amazing, a guy like me who gets paid to be a write sits back and reads. amazing.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:54 pm
dang willie, years worth of comments on these blogs wasted.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:54 pm
no claiming here buddy cuz
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:54 pm
cuz, I’m fessing up. my real name is willie martinez.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:55 pm
Anybody here ever play winter football in old kudzu fields? It’s a hoot.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:55 pm
cuz, sorry. call me a willie come lately.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:55 pm
To Tell the Truth…ROCKED….miss that show…it wouldn’t succeed today…but I loved it way back then…..
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:55 pm
Where is Terrence Moore when you need him?
Hillbilly Deluxe
November 24th, 2009
7:55 pm
Delbert D
Nobody has the resources to fight Kudzu. You can contain it for a while but it’s just waiting for you to die so it can obliterate any trace that you ever existed.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:56 pm
del, no but i have kissed an angel good morning. try it. willie
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:56 pm
bob, you remember bud collier? he always knew who was lying
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
7:57 pm
CUZ you won the trip to the KENTUCKY game how much more abuse can you take? LOL
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:57 pm
Hillbilly Deluxe – I think I saw that in a scary movie about Guatemala
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:57 pm
Hillbilly Deluxe …..goats..??
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:58 pm
hill, after a frost, try to burn the kudzu down with 2,4d and gyphosate. might add a bit of paraquat to the mix. just dont smell it. i woke up in kudzu one time. best, willie
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:59 pm
glyphosate. brand name round up. courtesy of uga extension.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:59 pm
willie, do you pronounce your last name like we do in East Georgia. It is Mart-nez round here. Two sylables.
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
7:59 pm
Do you really want to be WILLIE? or Do want to watch BAYLIE doing Wheelies? be honest.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:59 pm
Note to NASA: When foliating Mars, leave the kudzu behind.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:00 pm
cuz, no, i use the “teen” when i say it.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:00 pm
Well Baylie won the trip to the Kentucky game, she needed a driver. Nice picture of the family on Bills Blog.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
8:02 pm
willie – I remember Blanton Collier. He could always tell when the Bear was lying.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:02 pm
I am bald and I look like a person of latin american origin. But I would rather not be willie. Not enough room.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:02 pm
del, thats why we have roundup. except in the case of glyphosate resistant palmer amaranth. pig wig. google it.
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
8:02 pm
Have not seen it yet but like I said the Kicks on her as The Princees were pricless. You go #1 DAD.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:03 pm
I like how the Bear could drink to Jack Black doubles at one time. My hero.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:03 pm
blanton collier a cleveland browns coach?
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
8:03 pm
Cuz..yall had fun…been reading you’re pots long enough to know you knew the dawgs could possibly crumble (they did) …….yall had fun…run with it….
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:03 pm
two
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:04 pm
Bob, Baylie puts a game in perspective.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:04 pm
i will have to bring the research archives of the ajc to bear to answer all these questions!
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
8:04 pm
No ########111111111 for sure.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
8:05 pm
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:03 pm
blanton collier a cleveland browns coach
nope he was on To tell the truch…I gotta google him….Dilbert wins….he’s making me google…
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:05 pm
cuz, according to a bio i read of the bear, he secretly went into rehab. all of our heros are dead.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:07 pm
aha, my assistant the water girl confirms blanton collier was a browns coach.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:08 pm
willie, I used to sell a lot of 2-4-D and 2-4-DB. You better not get those two wrong.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:08 pm
well damn Mark, you fall back asleep?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
8:09 pm
2,4 d and dicamba was what i used.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:10 pm
I refuse to believe that the Bear went into rehab. The next thing you will tell me is that my hero Rock Hudson was gay.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
8:10 pm
I know she does buddy……I piss and moan about my child suppport….you and your family seem to be a “well oiled machine”…I’m jealous…
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
8:10 pm
Cuz – I have a sister in law with lupus. She always has a smile on her face.
Never a bad word or negative thing to say. The eternal optomist.
It really is amazing.
And I thought I had problems. Know what I mean.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
8:10 pm
talking to yourself willie?
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
8:12 pm
willie – I remember Collier him from his UK days. He did replace Paul Brown at Cleveland.
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
8:12 pm
Delbert – My son has been in England for 4 years. University of South Kent.
He has some great stories about the languages and such.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:13 pm
Bob, we go through a lot of WD-40 in this house.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
8:13 pm
the bear was a bastaard….but he sure could win….
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
8:14 pm
Don’t nobody say John Wayne went into rehab.
Them’s fightin words.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
8:15 pm
willie – i did the google on palmer arnold or whatever that was, and I’ll never plant celosia again. They eat the stuff in Tibet or someplace. Maybe it can be used for biodiesel.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
8:15 pm
The Bear was like a father figure to Forrest.