A robotic Uga as programmed by mad scientists at Tech
Deep within the catacombs of the Arthur B. Edge Center on the campus of the Georgia Institute of Technology, a team of scientists works feverishly on an endeavor so secret its code name — Operation ‘Droid Dawg– cannot be breathed under pain of banishment from the breakfast table at the Silver Skillet diner. It has taken decades for the project to reach this critical stage, and there were times when its originator believed it would never move beyond the blackboard.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the scientist in question, Prof. George P. Burdell, “we are but months from sweet fruition. We have the financing. We have the political leverage. What we need now are the devious touches that will make our animatronic bulldog the most effective faux animal weapon since the Trojan horse.”
“What if,” offers Simon Bar Sinister, doctor of robotics, “we program it to do everything a normal mascot would do, right up until the point he runs on the field and sees Lane Kiffin. And then, via remote control, we command him to turn that sweater inside out so he’s wearing not red but orange.”
“Good one, Bar Sinister,” Burdell says. “Anything else?”
“Here’s something.” This from Dr. Jack Stapleton, long the go-to guy when it comes to training dogs for nefarious purposes. (Google his name.) “We make it so our creation charges out of the tunnel in Jacksonville, and when he reaches midfield he stops, raises up on his hind legs and does the Gator Chomp with his front paws.”
Burdell nods. “I especially like that,” he says. “But we need something truly devious for the game two days after Thanksgiving.”
“I believe I have it,” says Velma Dinkley, a veterinarian who drives a peculiar flowered van. “Our side leads by four points. Aaron Murray throws long. A.J. Green catches the ball and breaks away for what seems the winning score. And my associate Shaggy whispers in Uga 8.0’s ear, ‘Go get him.’ Our creation dashes onto the turf and drags down Green at the 2-yard-line as time expires. Georgia Tech wins. We are triumphant.”
“Splendid, Dr. Dinkley,” Burdell says. “Simply splendid. And with that, we’re ready for the prototyping. Any questions?”
“Just one,” Bar Sinister pipes up. “Tell me again how we got PETA to propose this notion of having a robot mascot to the folks at UGA in the first place.”
Burdell: “I just thought of the stupidest thing I could imagine, and PETA said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ And their shrill lobbyists went to work, and finally Michael Adams said to Damon Evans, ‘Do whatever it takes, but make these loons go away.’
“And now we’re adjourned. Chili dogs — let PETA protest that! – at The Varsity on me!”
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429 comments Add your comment
Hillbilly Deluxe
November 24th, 2009
7:28 pm
Why doesn’t PETA care about the defenseless fruits and vegetables that are killed for food?
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:29 pm
Wally.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:30 pm
That is why we are going to start a PERVE chapter Hillbilly. The wrong must be made right and the left must be made to take three rights.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:30 pm
After the war in Viet Nam, the Vietnamese decided to reforestate (?) the damage from Agent Orange using kudzu. The country is now overrun with it.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:31 pm
I lost my beer, anyone seen it?
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:31 pm
Cuz – Got it, you win part 1.
Ph.D. of Pigskinology
November 24th, 2009
7:31 pm
Hiya Willie Martinez…funny on the other blog your PETA limerick…
Thanks for the feedback on the polar bear thing…it was written as a column-length piece…not as a blog post…but the observations about brevity are well taken…just having a little fun…
…by the way, I’m a Yellow Jacket through and through…
To Hell with Georgia!
Charles W. Graham, MSM ‘84
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:31 pm
Paybacks are hell Delbert.
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
7:32 pm
The Englishters came over here and taught us how to talk. The southern dialect remains closest to the original language and pronunciation.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:32 pm
I would like to thank the Academy and Al Hore for inventing this thing on which I write.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:34 pm
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:21 pm
uga, no problem. my goal in life is to expand the knowledge of man.
ummm willie you’ve fallen short of that goal….I feel bad breaking that to you…
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:35 pm
phd, i appreciate your honesty. im really mark bradley
calvin
November 24th, 2009
7:35 pm
That’s two pathetic essays in a row, Mr. Bradley. Surely
you could think of something interesting to write during
this week. How about under-reported incidents in Tech-
Georgia games, such as the questionable pass interference
call that gave the 1997 game to Georgia? The one where
the Georgia player said, “I had to beg the official for the
call” and O’Leary said he was upset because it was a late call.
Just a suggestion.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:35 pm
Al Gore = Al Bundy
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:35 pm
45ACP – I lived in England for awhile working on a project. At meetings, I had to act as translator between the Cambridge-speak boys, the cockneys, the Welsh, and the Yorkies. The guy at my gas station though I was Canadian.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:36 pm
bob, i said man. i didnt say defenses. willie
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:36 pm
NO, I’m Mark Bradley.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:37 pm
Enter your comments here
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:38 pm
calvin, the past is past. This Saturday a game will be played that will resonate far into the future. I predict 52 weeks. If Tech wins Saint Simons will be posting the score on every UGA blog for the next 52 weeks. If UGA wins, Hell is coming to breakfast Granny.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:38 pm
What, now I can’t post about Londoners who were born within the sound of Big Ben?
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:38 pm
No I am Mark Bradley, don’t listen to those guys, I am Mark Bradley.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:40 pm
i am the willie of defense
to me it makes no sense
why tech would run
than try shotgun
my guys will cream their offense
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:40 pm
I’m laughing again…….you suck as a defensive coordinator…but you offer good advice and enhanse my life…..you’re good “father figure”…I’m glad you aren’t a big brother….I much prefer you coach the dawgs D
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:41 pm
cuz, I’m Mark Bradley. count on it.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:42 pm
I’m calling up volunteers for an expeditionary force to invade St. Simons. We’ll be looking for signs of intelligent life.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:43 pm
Will the real Mark Bradley please post?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:43 pm
i do solemny swear
that i will faithfully
execute the office
of defensive coordinator
and will, to the best of my ability
preserve, protect and defend
the honor of the university of georgia
so help me, Mark Bradley
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:43 pm
St Simons…”old money”…and a weirdo from Ga tech….
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:44 pm
uga, i just did. Mark
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:45 pm
It could be worse……Les Miles.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:45 pm
It could be worse……Les Miles.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:45 pm
del, call out the members of the ga national guard. theyve only been to jekyll.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:46 pm
We’ll screen out the “old money” along with Spanish moss…our robotic intelligencer can be set for that.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:46 pm
there once was a coordinator named willie
whose defenses were perplexingly silly
damon said you are fired
cause the fans are so tired
and he said you’re kidding me really?
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:47 pm
My parents honeymooned in Jekyll in 1963…..am I a red neck..?????
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:48 pm
cuz, pretty good. but can you be creative every day like an ajc columnist like me?
Mark Bradley
November 24th, 2009
7:48 pm
Hello. You called?
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:48 pm
willie – if they’ve been that close, the Nat’l Guard can’t be trusted. This thing may be highly infectious. The sample we detect through the internet seems to be an alien life form.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:49 pm
no, bob. that just means you were conceived on the island.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:50 pm
Bob it all depends if they took you back to the Jekyll Island Inn and told you you were concieved in room 117. How about that Aquarama?
Hillbilly Deluxe
November 24th, 2009
7:50 pm
I don’t really follow college football but I’ll never be able to forgive UGA for the role the Extension Service played in promoting the planting of Kudzu. We’ll soon enter our 9th decade of dealing with what they wrought.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:50 pm
yeah, i sure did. wasting all this good material while you nap. am now angry, willie
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:50 pm
Cuz…good poem….I liked it…
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:50 pm
Bob – you do get a certificate for traveling south of the gnat line.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:51 pm
Are you not familar with my body of work there willie?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:52 pm
folks, you just dont know how tiring it is to entertain. if you like my material, send a check payable to Mark Bradley, care of the ajc.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:52 pm
Mark, redirect this blog. Give us something to argue about.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:52 pm
thanks Dibert….(I was going to have a complex…)
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:53 pm
cuz, i’m afraid i’m not familiar with your work.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:53 pm
Hillbilly Deluxe – The Vietnamese don’t have the resources available to fight kudzu. They just use AK-47s and those old French bolt-action rifles.