A robotic Uga as programmed by mad scientists at Tech
Deep within the catacombs of the Arthur B. Edge Center on the campus of the Georgia Institute of Technology, a team of scientists works feverishly on an endeavor so secret its code name — Operation ‘Droid Dawg– cannot be breathed under pain of banishment from the breakfast table at the Silver Skillet diner. It has taken decades for the project to reach this critical stage, and there were times when its originator believed it would never move beyond the blackboard.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the scientist in question, Prof. George P. Burdell, “we are but months from sweet fruition. We have the financing. We have the political leverage. What we need now are the devious touches that will make our animatronic bulldog the most effective faux animal weapon since the Trojan horse.”
“What if,” offers Simon Bar Sinister, doctor of robotics, “we program it to do everything a normal mascot would do, right up until the point he runs on the field and sees Lane Kiffin. And then, via remote control, we command him to turn that sweater inside out so he’s wearing not red but orange.”
“Good one, Bar Sinister,” Burdell says. “Anything else?”
“Here’s something.” This from Dr. Jack Stapleton, long the go-to guy when it comes to training dogs for nefarious purposes. (Google his name.) “We make it so our creation charges out of the tunnel in Jacksonville, and when he reaches midfield he stops, raises up on his hind legs and does the Gator Chomp with his front paws.”
Burdell nods. “I especially like that,” he says. “But we need something truly devious for the game two days after Thanksgiving.”
“I believe I have it,” says Velma Dinkley, a veterinarian who drives a peculiar flowered van. “Our side leads by four points. Aaron Murray throws long. A.J. Green catches the ball and breaks away for what seems the winning score. And my associate Shaggy whispers in Uga 8.0’s ear, ‘Go get him.’ Our creation dashes onto the turf and drags down Green at the 2-yard-line as time expires. Georgia Tech wins. We are triumphant.”
“Splendid, Dr. Dinkley,” Burdell says. “Simply splendid. And with that, we’re ready for the prototyping. Any questions?”
“Just one,” Bar Sinister pipes up. “Tell me again how we got PETA to propose this notion of having a robot mascot to the folks at UGA in the first place.”
Burdell: “I just thought of the stupidest thing I could imagine, and PETA said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ And their shrill lobbyists went to work, and finally Michael Adams said to Damon Evans, ‘Do whatever it takes, but make these loons go away.’
“And now we’re adjourned. Chili dogs — let PETA protest that! – at The Varsity on me!”
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429 comments Add your comment
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:58 pm
Bob Horner always makes me hungry.
Remember when he admitted drinking three beers before every game?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:59 pm
google guana and see what it is
dewstarpath
November 24th, 2009
7:00 pm
- Then again, UGA would probably outfit the thing
with joystick-guided lasers in the “eyes” – and
use them to blind the opposing team during games.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:00 pm
dew, i like it but dont think it will fit on the uga bus sign
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:01 pm
Gua´na (gwä´nå)
n. 1. (Zool.) See Iguana.
It’s always nice to learn something new!
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:02 pm
Mark, I’m trying to pay you a huge compliment, but the *robot* won’t let the word through. Don’t trust a robot dog, or any other kind of robot.
I’ll “speak” it out: per-spee-kay-shus. Meaning, you are of acute mental vision : keen.
Thanks anyway
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:02 pm
i have to admit that i spent a lot of time with ernest hemingway growing up in south fla.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:02 pm
UGArobbie the Robot Dog ….and after game I really put the beers away (and had steak and lobster at the bar)…I pocketed no $$ of my travel per diem back in the 80’s…..life is short…
Paul in RDU
November 24th, 2009
7:03 pm
Mark B -
I have to commend you for the various references you put in your blog.
Hound of the Baskervilles, Scoopy Do and Underdog!
I think that the people designing the robot should by their parts from Acme.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:03 pm
guano. see what that is. willie
Paul in RDU
November 24th, 2009
7:04 pm
Oops – should be Scooby Doo. My daughter would never forgive me for getting that name wrong
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:04 pm
Now I’ve got to use hillbilly language to drop dollops of insight onto the blogosphere.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:04 pm
Bob, you’re fat!
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:06 pm
Bradley, don’t forget to leave my passes at willcall.
Dawg Whisperer
November 24th, 2009
7:06 pm
My chihuahuas are available to stand in as the UGA mascot for this weekend. They don’t eat much, growl alot and shake profusely. Throw ‘em a bone ever so often and they’ve chew the pants off any Techie entering their territory. What else could you want?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:07 pm
goff made homecoming exciting
signature victories against vandy
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
7:07 pm
UGArobbie the Robot Dog ….
comeback:
I could pull ANYBODYS fast ball…..I’m one of only 15 players to hit 4 homers in 1 game….
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:07 pm
willie – guano I understand. But what did you mean by “guana”? Iguana? That will rhyme, at least the na – na part.
Paul in RDU
November 24th, 2009
7:10 pm
Guano – greatest name for a character in a movie “Bat Guano” in Dr. Strangelove
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:12 pm
del, guana is the south ga phonetic pronunciation for guano
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:13 pm
paul, thats correct. you’re doing well, willie
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:14 pm
dawg, a white, english bulldog. in tears, willie
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:15 pm
willie – my grandmother pronounced it “giu-anner”
Papa
November 24th, 2009
7:15 pm
Apparently all the ills of the world – involving animals – have been resolved. No pain, suffering, mistreatment, abandonment, starvation, encroached living space, disease, fleas, ticks … etc. This is the only explanation for the sheer lunacy that has PETA peabrains attempting to substitute a robot mascot for a live one.
Avatar this, you animal goofballs. I need UGA and his loyal corps. I bleed Old Gold & White. I don’t want or need “virtual” hate – I want/need Clean Old-Fashion Hate.
Lee Corso
November 24th, 2009
7:16 pm
I heard PETA sent Notre Dame a similar email earlier today asking them to stop using a real Leprechaun as mascot.
corn30
November 24th, 2009
7:16 pm
this story makes no since what so ever. stick to the traditional way. stop trying to put a wierd spin on it to make yourself look creative. either they are or they aint
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:16 pm
willie – but my folk are peckerwoods, not rednecks.
Paul in RDU
November 24th, 2009
7:16 pm
Del – weren’t you shot down last night on schädenfreude as well?
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:17 pm
I have a 38 pound Pug (named UGA Lee) that’ll do it for a box of popcorn.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:17 pm
lee, i heard that too. notre dames new mascot is richard simmons.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:18 pm
del, one of my grandma’s said it like yours; the other would never say the word.
Sonny Clusters
November 24th, 2009
7:19 pm
We noticed Georgia couldn’t keep the clock running during the Kentucky game – probably not ready for a robot mascot just yet. We was always teasing the panther mascot and we’d paint panther feet on the road next to the stadium. We always wore the same helmets, though.
Hillbilly Deluxe
November 24th, 2009
7:19 pm
Up hear in the hills we call it “du-anner”. Don’t know why but that’s what it’s been called at least since I was a small boy. And Bermuda grass is “moody grass”, as in, “that damn moody grass is takin’ over everything”.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:19 pm
Thanks Willie for edumacating me
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:21 pm
uga, no problem. my goal in life is to expand the knowledge of man.
Dawghater
November 24th, 2009
7:22 pm
UGA cancelled classes the day UGA VII died, they cancelled classes when they found out PETA was messing with their mascot and they are all huddled up trying to come up with an answer to PETA. One common trait for all these events, no class in Athens.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:22 pm
hill, my great granny always griped about the ‘zu takin over everything.
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
7:23 pm
Anyone know what a ginny horn is?
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:23 pm
……..and dog (willie).
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:23 pm
Please, *please* don’t anybody get cockroach for a pet! The PETA implications of that are horrendous.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:23 pm
dawghater, you aint go no class either bud.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:24 pm
45, it sounds like a hooker i once picked up in new orleans.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:25 pm
What if we killed all the animals so they would not have to suffer?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
7:25 pm
45, i mean a LOOKER
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:25 pm
45, are we talking “lips”?
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:26 pm
If we killed all the animals then PETA would morph into PERVE. People for the Ethical Replacement of Vegetable Eaters.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
7:27 pm
Two questions:
1) Which Georgia coach looked most like a bulldog? (easy one)
2) Would Mark Richt survive if he looked like Jim Donnan?
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:28 pm
ERK
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
7:28 pm
NO
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
7:28 pm
We got a Sightless Dead Greek Poets Society, should we start a PERVE chapter?