A robotic Uga as programmed by mad scientists at Tech
Deep within the catacombs of the Arthur B. Edge Center on the campus of the Georgia Institute of Technology, a team of scientists works feverishly on an endeavor so secret its code name — Operation ‘Droid Dawg– cannot be breathed under pain of banishment from the breakfast table at the Silver Skillet diner. It has taken decades for the project to reach this critical stage, and there were times when its originator believed it would never move beyond the blackboard.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the scientist in question, Prof. George P. Burdell, “we are but months from sweet fruition. We have the financing. We have the political leverage. What we need now are the devious touches that will make our animatronic bulldog the most effective faux animal weapon since the Trojan horse.”
“What if,” offers Simon Bar Sinister, doctor of robotics, “we program it to do everything a normal mascot would do, right up until the point he runs on the field and sees Lane Kiffin. And then, via remote control, we command him to turn that sweater inside out so he’s wearing not red but orange.”
“Good one, Bar Sinister,” Burdell says. “Anything else?”
“Here’s something.” This from Dr. Jack Stapleton, long the go-to guy when it comes to training dogs for nefarious purposes. (Google his name.) “We make it so our creation charges out of the tunnel in Jacksonville, and when he reaches midfield he stops, raises up on his hind legs and does the Gator Chomp with his front paws.”
Burdell nods. “I especially like that,” he says. “But we need something truly devious for the game two days after Thanksgiving.”
“I believe I have it,” says Velma Dinkley, a veterinarian who drives a peculiar flowered van. “Our side leads by four points. Aaron Murray throws long. A.J. Green catches the ball and breaks away for what seems the winning score. And my associate Shaggy whispers in Uga 8.0’s ear, ‘Go get him.’ Our creation dashes onto the turf and drags down Green at the 2-yard-line as time expires. Georgia Tech wins. We are triumphant.”
“Splendid, Dr. Dinkley,” Burdell says. “Simply splendid. And with that, we’re ready for the prototyping. Any questions?”
“Just one,” Bar Sinister pipes up. “Tell me again how we got PETA to propose this notion of having a robot mascot to the folks at UGA in the first place.”
Burdell: “I just thought of the stupidest thing I could imagine, and PETA said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ And their shrill lobbyists went to work, and finally Michael Adams said to Damon Evans, ‘Do whatever it takes, but make these loons go away.’
“And now we’re adjourned. Chili dogs — let PETA protest that! – at The Varsity on me!”
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429 comments Add your comment
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:24 pm
bob, bet. bet heavy.
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
6:25 pm
Brevity is the soul of wit.
BigChiefDodd
November 24th, 2009
6:25 pm
I vote for robo Dawg and we have a school on North Ave. that can build it for them.
VolNation
November 24th, 2009
6:25 pm
Hey folks – on a positive note Lane has cleared Janzen Jackson to play in Saturday’s game with KY. Please join me in wishing JJ the best on his long-awaited return!
Wizard
November 24th, 2009
6:25 pm
It’s funny how PETA will go to extreme measures to defend animals, but its members are usually first in line to support the killing of unborn children……ironic.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
6:26 pm
I know….can’t do it…I bleed red and black….but if I didn’t I’d load up on tech…that line is a gift from the gambling Gods…IMHO
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:26 pm
Kilroy hikes his leg and there’s Waldo!
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:26 pm
there once was a coach named paul
who wanted to give his all
said now i’m at tech
they wrote me a check
but to dame now i haul
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
6:27 pm
willie – have you taken the game plan out of the mayonnaise jar yet?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:27 pm
bob, i’m PAID by the red and black and i’m still betting. willie
Polar bears continued
November 24th, 2009
6:28 pm
Underlining the significance of this developing story, Senator Barack Obama weighed in on the developing issue from the campaign trail in Oregon. Senator Obama met privately with reporters after speaking a campaign rally before some 850,000 supporters, where, incidentally, it was reported that more than 700,000 persons had to be revived after fainting.
Citing the plight of the bears as a sure sign of the hopelessness enveloping the entire Western Hemisphere, with the exception of parts of Cuba and Venezuela, Senator Obama called for sweeping change.
“These are typical white bears, clinging to their tropical drinks and seafood salads, who cannot be expected to understand what is needed to preserve their own well-being”, the handsome and dynamic young Senator declared. He then concluded his remarks by assuring the entranced reporters that “if elected in November, I will bring change that all bears can believe in”.
Late today, the controversy, now being called Beargate in some Washington circles, escalated further still when a supporter of the campaign of Republican Senator John McCain (R-AZ) joined the growing fray.
Alaskan Governor Bridgit Nowierre, a staunch supporter of Senator McCain in his bid for the presidency, questioned the sentiments underlying the statements by Senator Obama. “I object to the use of the term ‘typical white bears’ by SenatorObama”, the Governor declared. Ms. Nowierre concluded her remarks by proclaiming that “when elected, Senator McCain will equally represent black bears, brown bears, Kodiak bears, and yes, even Grizzlies”.
Meanwhile, reports have arrived from our correspondent dispatched to the scene in Mexico. Associated Press International correspondent Felix Goode spoke to one polar bear he encountered lying near the surf outside the port city of Progreso. Speaking with our reporter between sips of a Corona Light, and while snacking on a mackerel, the bear, who identified himself only as “Whitey”, seemed surprised at all of the attention. “I certainly didn’t mean to cause a big fuss”, the animal explained. Asked by the reporter why he and his fellow bears decided to come to Mexico, the creature stated flatly that “it seemed like a good idea at the time”. The indolent animal then borrowed a pair of sunglasses and a bottle of sunscreen from our correspondent, crawled under a coconut palm, and fell asleep.
Additional reporters have been assigned to this story as the controversy grows to worldwide proportions. We promise to keep our readers abreast of new developments just as soon as further information becomes available.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:28 pm
45, cant do that till 3 am in the morning.
BravesFan79
November 24th, 2009
6:29 pm
At first i agreed with nearly everyone on here…. and wondered why PETA would say such a thing. But i just asked my Vet student roomate… and she said she agrees with Peta even tho shes a UGA fan.
Turns out that bulldogs are genetic freaks, creations made by man for appearance. In truth, they cant hardly breath, and cant even mate without artificial insemination.
Still dosent mean i want 2 replace the long line of ugas tho.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:30 pm
willie’s the name
footballs my game
my defense will gel
but o what the hell
points are my claim to fame
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:32 pm
bravesfan, are you against the chop too?
Abe Lincoln
November 24th, 2009
6:32 pm
Better make sure it doesn’t have an $ssh*le, those tech “boys” will be on it.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
6:35 pm
Yes Brindle Bulls are genetically engineered, you Tech fans can thank me for the shout out. So are Shitzus, i got a kick out of that one, Chihuahuas and Toy Poodles. What is your point?
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
6:36 pm
Dream matchup – Texas Longhorns vs. USC Gamecocks in the Chick bowl.
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
6:37 pm
You can’t say shitzu on the blog.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:37 pm
bravesfan, but a bulldog can lick himself so it cant be all bad. best, willie
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
6:38 pm
Tried it twice, you cannot say Feceszu on the blog. You know the name of those little dogs that kids like to say.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:40 pm
Bradley,
i was cleaning out a desk today and found probably your funniest column of all time where you wrote about goff:
he helped put an end to the traffic jams in athens
put a sock in that woof woof
gave talk radio a reason for being.
your devoted fan, willie
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
6:40 pm
willie I know you are the real coach. You spend all your game time blogging with Bradley instead of adjusting your defensive scheme. I am convinced. How much are you trying to get for your house when you move?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:41 pm
what no one will acknowledge is coeds at tech are just like bulldogs. only capable of artificial insemination.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
6:41 pm
The word you’re looking for is brachyocephalic. Hard for those bulldogs to breath. Also, pups have to be delivered by Caesarean section.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:42 pm
hey cuz, i plan to keep the house in athens for the summers when its too hot in tallahassee
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:43 pm
There once was a coach named Willie,
Who has been known to act a little silly.
His defense was so bad,
That he was always sad,
And decided to go back home to Philly.
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
6:43 pm
Cuz – I don’t know what the word parameters are but I have tried to post and failed. Rearrange the words and it will post. Strange indeed.
dewstarpath
November 24th, 2009
6:44 pm
- Just use a Sony Aibo and spray paint it red.
Coffee Bluff DAWG
November 24th, 2009
6:44 pm
VolNation,
Welcome back, Crimminal Nation.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:46 pm
uga, actually, my home town is havana
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:46 pm
cuba
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:47 pm
dewstarpath,
the Sony Aibo and a bag of ice don’t work too well together.
Cynthia Tucker
November 24th, 2009
6:48 pm
Mark…shame on you for stealing my material. I thought you were a sports reporter.
Mark Bradley
November 24th, 2009
6:48 pm
I wish I could say I remember that one, Coach Willie M., but I don’t.
VolNation
November 24th, 2009
6:49 pm
Thanks Coffee – get ready for your beatdown in 2010….
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
6:49 pm
Try to get p-e-r-s-p-i-c-a-c-i-o-u-s through on a post. It got killed 8 times on Jeff’ blog last night, until I spelled it out.
Real evil, dirty word. it means: of acute mental vision or discernment : keen
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:49 pm
Willie,
I know, but I couldn’t think of a stupid limirick for that. (havana, banana, Montana……what else?).
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:50 pm
Mark, it was one of your best. you dont keep a record on your computer?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:51 pm
the title was “you too can sugarcoat goff’s performance”
dewstarpath
November 24th, 2009
6:52 pm
UGA Robbie the Robot dog –
- Good point. Great Styx lyrics from the 80’s.
Better yet, use an UGA stuffed dog hoisted by a
helium balloon – towed by an R/C coaxial heli(copter)
painted to look like Buzz.
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
6:52 pm
willie….you just made me LMAO……..I’m more impressed with your comedic skills than your coaching skills….!!!!!!!
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:52 pm
Willie was born in Coral Gables, Florida…………..never mind, that is Havana.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:53 pm
uga, try this: guana
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:54 pm
bob, I’m playing carnegie hall jan 1. wont have anything else to do that day. willie
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:56 pm
guana, iguana…..maybe I have something to try now.
Delbert D.
November 24th, 2009
6:56 pm
perspicacious is a banned word?
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
6:56 pm
you’re insane….dude you got to start your own blog….seriously
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:57 pm
never smoked an iguana before >)
dewstarpath
November 24th, 2009
6:57 pm
- Willie Martinez – 6:08 pm
- Better yet, how about R.U.R. –
Richt’s Universal Robots ?