A robotic Uga as programmed by mad scientists at Tech
Deep within the catacombs of the Arthur B. Edge Center on the campus of the Georgia Institute of Technology, a team of scientists works feverishly on an endeavor so secret its code name — Operation ‘Droid Dawg– cannot be breathed under pain of banishment from the breakfast table at the Silver Skillet diner. It has taken decades for the project to reach this critical stage, and there were times when its originator believed it would never move beyond the blackboard.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the scientist in question, Prof. George P. Burdell, “we are but months from sweet fruition. We have the financing. We have the political leverage. What we need now are the devious touches that will make our animatronic bulldog the most effective faux animal weapon since the Trojan horse.”
“What if,” offers Simon Bar Sinister, doctor of robotics, “we program it to do everything a normal mascot would do, right up until the point he runs on the field and sees Lane Kiffin. And then, via remote control, we command him to turn that sweater inside out so he’s wearing not red but orange.”
“Good one, Bar Sinister,” Burdell says. “Anything else?”
“Here’s something.” This from Dr. Jack Stapleton, long the go-to guy when it comes to training dogs for nefarious purposes. (Google his name.) “We make it so our creation charges out of the tunnel in Jacksonville, and when he reaches midfield he stops, raises up on his hind legs and does the Gator Chomp with his front paws.”
Burdell nods. “I especially like that,” he says. “But we need something truly devious for the game two days after Thanksgiving.”
“I believe I have it,” says Velma Dinkley, a veterinarian who drives a peculiar flowered van. “Our side leads by four points. Aaron Murray throws long. A.J. Green catches the ball and breaks away for what seems the winning score. And my associate Shaggy whispers in Uga 8.0’s ear, ‘Go get him.’ Our creation dashes onto the turf and drags down Green at the 2-yard-line as time expires. Georgia Tech wins. We are triumphant.”
“Splendid, Dr. Dinkley,” Burdell says. “Simply splendid. And with that, we’re ready for the prototyping. Any questions?”
“Just one,” Bar Sinister pipes up. “Tell me again how we got PETA to propose this notion of having a robot mascot to the folks at UGA in the first place.”
Burdell: “I just thought of the stupidest thing I could imagine, and PETA said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ And their shrill lobbyists went to work, and finally Michael Adams said to Damon Evans, ‘Do whatever it takes, but make these loons go away.’
“And now we’re adjourned. Chili dogs — let PETA protest that! – at The Varsity on me!”
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429 comments Add your comment
mcdaviddawg
November 24th, 2009
5:16 pm
PETA can go to hell, one of the countries worst organizations.
Tom
November 24th, 2009
5:17 pm
PETA will be happy to learn that I have designed a robotic bulldog that looks so lifelike nobody will be able to tell the difference.
The trick was covering it with baby seal fur.
Tech75
November 24th, 2009
5:20 pm
I remember sitting in the student section in 1970 when we played Tennessee….and Smokey took a dump.
The Tech cheerleaders found a shovel and delivered it to the Tennessee cheerleaders, who had to clean it up.
Hilarious. So…when Robot Dog squats… he drops batteries or something? LOL
Ph.D. of Pigskinology
November 24th, 2009
5:23 pm
…or maybe drop the PETA guy in the deep fryer at the Varsity, then grind him up and put him in the chili…nobody would ever know the difference…
RAMBLE ON!!!
November 24th, 2009
5:29 pm
Hopefully Peta will not be tuning into Saturday nights game.
There will be bulldog blood, spread all over Grant Field.
Kim
November 24th, 2009
5:30 pm
PETA tried to get University of North Alabama to get rid of their live lions. Their protest outside the lion habitat lasted one day. My brother said something about rednecks with shotguns surrounding the PETA idiots. PETA left and have never come back. I’d have given anything to have seen that!
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
5:30 pm
I got it!
The organization will be named POAD, People Of All Diversity.
Just have feelings and sympathy for everyone and make thousands of dollars!
GT For You And Me
November 24th, 2009
5:30 pm
Christmas comes Saturday. Don’t it? Wrap up as many dogs as you can and give them to the poor GA fans in the stands……
Ph.D. of Pigskinology
November 24th, 2009
5:32 pm
…notice all the PETA people are skinnier than North Korean political prisoners…check it out the next time you see one on TV…I’m just saying…
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
5:32 pm
Who let the (robot) dogs out?
Jerry Seinfeld
November 24th, 2009
5:37 pm
Come onnnn UGA, get with the program!!! THWG!!
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
5:38 pm
I’m having cow for dinner…and I’m excited about it….I’m 20 lbs over weight…and I don’t care…PETA what a joke
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
5:42 pm
Jerry…..what program?
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
5:43 pm
45 Ican live with that, but I want the chubbie chasers so I can get the photos of the chicks
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
5:43 pm
Mark, did you see my PETA limerick on the other blog?
Leedawg
November 24th, 2009
5:47 pm
You really are a freakin’ idiot, Bradley.
Starring Kam Fong as Chin Ho
November 24th, 2009
5:50 pm
Tom, I used polar bear fur, a little shaggy yet very bulldawg like………and it’s steaks tasted a lot like chicken
AMG
November 24th, 2009
5:50 pm
Hey PETA from the words of UGA VII ghost…..bite me!
Cuz
November 24th, 2009
5:54 pm
I am taking up a collection to have twenty Papa Johns Meat Lovers Pizzas delivered to the headquarters of PETA in honor of their wonderful idea and our clinching the Pizza bowl. Anybody want in?
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
5:54 pm
POAD – of course you will get a percentage of the take.
Bawney Fwank
November 24th, 2009
5:55 pm
Intelligent sports fans whether they be Dawgs, Gators, War Eagles, etc. should get the word out that contributing to PETA, The Humane Society of the United States, and like scam groups does nothing to save pets and wild animal habitat. Their goal (besides personal enrichment)is to do away with all uses of animals, for food, recreation (hunting and fishing), research and even pets. All the while local animal shelters are closing due to lack of funding because stupid fools send tens of millions of dollars a year to groups like PETA.
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
5:55 pm
People if you respond then that is what it is all about. Mark Bradley you have to love UGA/GT fans that yell at you on you page. I thought we were SMART HAHHAHAHAHAHA.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
5:57 pm
there once was a group called PETA
that didnt take time to meetya
vegetarians all of them
no meat on a whim
no cows in a cage
anemia’s all the rage
our dog their now trying to cheata
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
5:58 pm
CUZ Baylie was tooooo Cute as the princess, but the Kicks(black & white sneakers) make the photo. You must really be a great dad to driver around for Halloween like that.
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
5:59 pm
hey PETA, i’m having my cat for dinner. willie
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
6:01 pm
Willie You know when a FRAT invites the Ugly girl to the party and she feel like she fits in? Well, Willie you are the cat and the UGA alumni are having you for dinner.
Paul in RDU
November 24th, 2009
6:02 pm
Cuz – Don’t forget anchovies on the pizza – can’t forget the fishes
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
6:02 pm
Give some time to work out the chubbie chasers idea.
I believe it will work.
UGASlobberknocker
November 24th, 2009
6:05 pm
PETA—-People Eating Tasty Animals
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
6:06 pm
Please make your checks payable to POAD.
PETA is so 90’s.
POAD is the new, hip, cool group to join.
Paul in RDU
November 24th, 2009
6:07 pm
willie – Glad to see you posting your poetry.
As a reward, here is some secret video that can help you with your gameplan for Saturday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSR3Y-yl1iQ
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:07 pm
pi$$, why would you give a flip?
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
6:07 pm
Have seen women in the SOUTH after the age of 35? Chubby Chasers will work. Just include pics of the girls with a chicken lef and Mash Patatos and gravy. We will be RICH RICH RICH I swear.
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
6:08 pm
Sorry Chicken LEG
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:08 pm
i can hear it now: richt’s robots!
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:10 pm
paul, i took a look. peta’s not going to like wes durham having that cow in his pants.
best, willie
UGASlobberknocker
November 24th, 2009
6:10 pm
Please dont have Techies design our new robot mascot..they will pattern it in their image..so the poor dog/robot will never breed since he will never have a date.
Paul in RDU
November 24th, 2009
6:11 pm
ROFL
Ph.D. of Pigskinology
November 24th, 2009
6:13 pm
Hel*, send the PETA people on a field trip to investigate the polar bears or something, we got ourselves a damm football game here…
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
6:13 pm
45 you are killing me Thanks for the help You are now the Dir. of marketing of POAD
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:14 pm
paul, i know defenses. rofl?
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:16 pm
funny thing most people dont believe i’m really willie.
Pi$$onaDawg
November 24th, 2009
6:17 pm
WES is buitl for TV from the DESK UP, BUTT when you see him in all of his GLORY he should be my poster BOY for Chubbie Chasers for the ladies. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jim Fuller
November 24th, 2009
6:19 pm
If the robotic UGA was designed by a Tech scientist, we know it would not work!!!!!!
Satire writer wannabe
November 24th, 2009
6:19 pm
RULING REVERSED!
POLAR BEARS CREATE CAMPAIGN UPROAR!
Washington, D.C.
-AP
In a surprise announcement today, U. S. Government spokesman Dimmitt Bumdas disclosed that the Department of the Interior has removed polar bears from the Endangered Species List. The move amounted to a reversal of action taken by the Department just days ago.
A somewhat sheepish Mr. Bumdas announced that “the whole thing was just a geographical oversight”. Questioned further by reporters, Mr. Bumdas stated that “the reduced number of bears recently observed in the Artic region apparently came as a result of a large number of the bears having stowed away in the cargo hold of a Carnival Cruise Lines vessel and traveling to the Yucatan peninsula of Mexico, where the creatures were discovered lounging on area beaches, slurping pina coladas, and raiding local fish markets”.
Bumdas called the behavior of the bears “perplexing and inexplicable”.
The Department of Interior spokesman then surprised those in attendance by proclaiming the need for a new federally funded program to “correct this disturbing problem”.
Interior is calling for the program, estimated to cost some $500 trillion dollars over the next fifteen years, in order to corral the vacationing bears and return them to the Artic ice floes “where they are supposed to be”, according to Bumdas.
The plan includes, the spokesman said, a re-education component wherein polar bears will be taught by federal bear instructors to believe that “grouper and red snapper DO NOT taste just as good as salmon and seals”, and that “the idea that summering in the Yucatan is preferable to clambering about frigid Bering Sea ice floes is, well, simply misguided”.
UGArobbie the Robot Dog
November 24th, 2009
6:20 pm
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Mata ah-oo hima de
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Himitsu wo shiri tai
You’re wondering who I am-machine or mannequin
With parts made in Japan, I am the modren man
I’ve got a secret I’ve been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.
So if you see me acting strangely, don’t be surprised
I’m just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive-just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive
I’m not a robot without emotions-I’m not what you see
I’ve come to help you with your problems, so we can be free
I’m not a hero, I’m not a saviour, forget what you know
I’m just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control
Beyond my control-we all need control
I need control-we all need control
I am the modren man, who hides behind a mask
So no one else can see my true identity
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo
Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For doing the jobs that nobody wants to
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For helping me escape just when I needed to
Thank you-thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, please, thank you
The problem’s plain to see: too much technology
Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.
The time has come at last
To throw away this mask
So everyone can see
My true identity…
I’m Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!
THWG
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:20 pm
there once was a school called tech
whose mascot was just a wreck
then johnson left
with all of his heft
just who gives a heck
Bob Horner stayed hurt
November 24th, 2009
6:23 pm
Can someone tell me why Vegas only likes GT -8 pts against the dawgs Sat…..??? the line seems way too low….????? I was thinking 13.5 or more??
willie martinez
November 24th, 2009
6:23 pm
satire/uga, you lose readers with the length. keep it short and funny. like me. best, willie
45ACP
November 24th, 2009
6:23 pm
We found Kilroy, now where is that dang Waldo?