Fightin’ words from them water-hoarders up north

As Georgia prepares to battle for our rightful access to more water, it seems Tennessee is preparing to defend itself. Apparently, the state’s leaders have even enlisted Andrew Exum, a veteran of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and native Tennessean who blogs about “small wars and insurgencies” at Abu Muqawama, to design its strategy.

Exum begins by outlining what he believes to be our natural line of attack, and his plan for defending against it:

The first course of action in the face of Georgian aggression is a static defense. The main avenue of approach for any Georgian invasion force would be I-75. About a mile past the state line, the highway splits into I-24 heading west into Chattanooga and I-75 northbound heading toward Knoxville.

There’s a bend in the highway where all northbound cars must slow down as they turn west toward Chattanooga. It’s a natural place to construct an L-shaped ambush. I’d place .50-caliber machine guns on the north side of the split, in the vicinity of the old Eastgate Mall, aimed down I-75. Mortar positions would dig in north of Brainerd Road (or somewhere in the Sir Goony’s Family Fun Center and putt-putt course up the road). I would establish a skirmish line along Ringgold Road, with my main line of defense along I-24 and I-75, and a secondary line of defense along Brainerd Road and Lee Highway.

Two problems immediately come to mind, though. Even if Georgia is only able to mobilize half the residents of Atlanta, that’s still a lot of SUVs to stop. We can’t count on all of them to stop at the Cracker Barrel in Dalton and lose interest. That means we’ll soon run low on ammunition and be forced to retreat to Hixson. The other problem is that the University of Tennessee’s performance against the University of Georgia last year — in which Tennessee’s defense tackled like a bunch of Pop Warner 8-year-olds — doesn’t fill one with a lot of confidence about our state’s ability to stop much of anything coming out of Georgia.

Let me stop Exum right there. As any of my fellow Northwest Georgians would attest, there will never — NEVER — be any sort of hostilities between us that threaten the hallowed site of Sir Goony’s. NONE. Too many of us have fond memories of sinking the occasional hole-in-one on the 18th green (winning a free round in the process) and practically learning to drive on its go-kart track to countenance any damage to its perfectly timed windmills.

Alas, with his reference to football, it seems Exum has hinted at our true strategy in a way that suggests he’s wise to our plans. Certainly, any attempt to take and hold Tennessee would begin with the flattening of Neyland Stadium in Knoxville. This would not only divert precious Volunteer State resources north to a place nobody here really wants anyway. It would also provide just the kind of shock and awe needed to bring into submission the East Tennesseans who, as Exum notes, could be rather difficult to govern otherwise:

In his book “War at Every Door: Partisan Politics and Guerrilla Violence in East Tennessee, 1861-1869,” historian Noel Fisher describes the way in which both Confederate and Union occupying armies struggled to comprehend the byzantine politics and grudges of East Tennessee and assert anything like political authority over such a lawless race of mountain people. I can almost pity the young Georgian men and women who would be asked to occupy as violent and confusing a place as southeast Tennessee. Alone at night, fearing yet another guerrilla attack and unsure of who they could trust among such an alien race, they would curse the greed of the Atlanta exurbs and the resource war that had been forced upon them. A prolonged occupation and insurgency stands a greater chance of transforming the internal politics of Georgia than transforming the immutable cultural truths of Tennessee.

The wars of the 9/11 era have demonstrated the perils of fighting heavily armed religious fundamentalists on their own soil. We Tennessee Presbyterians are a little like the Taliban — only certainly better armed and probably less tolerant of the Roman Catholic Church.

Anyone interested in what lies ahead for us in this War of Southern Aggression should read Exum’s entire piece. And take note of its exquisite timing.

(H/t: Baker Owens of That’s Just Peachy)

– By Kyle Wingfield

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59 comments Add your comment

Georgia

April 1st, 2013
4:24 pm

Stay firsty, my friends.

Georgia

April 1st, 2013
4:33 pm

Who is the governor of Tennesse? Kim Jong IL?

Kyle Wingfield

April 1st, 2013
4:38 pm

Georgia: Nope. Kim Jong Vol.

Tinkerella

April 1st, 2013
4:38 pm

No worries…..we can just buy water from T. Boone Pickens

Trolls Bane

April 1st, 2013
5:01 pm

A Modest Proposal perhaps?

@@

April 1st, 2013
5:10 pm

JDW

April 1st, 2013
5:13 pm

At least he has one thing right

“The other problem is that the University of Tennessee’s performance against the University of Georgia last year — in which Tennessee’s defense tackled like a bunch of Pop Warner 8-year-olds ”

Actually I have seen better from the 8-year-olds and am looking forward to many years of the same.

Jefferson

April 1st, 2013
5:20 pm

Last state to succeed, 1st to rejoin the Union.

indigo

April 1st, 2013
5:22 pm

And so begins years of expensive litigation funded by Georgia taxpayers.

I wonder if Georgia’s political leaders, past and present, will have the courage to admit adressing this problem years ago with more reserviors would have kept us out of this mess.

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Aesop's Fables and other Lib Economic Theories

April 1st, 2013
5:29 pm

Doesn’t Alabama and Florida have a stake in this?

Let’s go get them, boys.

Road Scholar

April 1st, 2013
5:40 pm

Aesop: Alabama does if we intend to flank them.

To get that right of using Alabama to flank them, we can let Alabama to continue to sign our high school football players esp those who have already committed to UGA and Tech.Tennessee won’t fight Alabama for fear of having an over 100 to 0 final losing score in football!

Kyle: Kim Jong Vol! Too funny! Esp for a conservative!

mike

April 1st, 2013
5:48 pm

It’s 104 miles (as the crow flies) from Chattanooga to Atlanta. Can you imagine what water would cost factoring the cost of building pipeline that far? Not just the pipe, but you would have to have pumping stations to get over every hill or mountain between here and the Tennessee River. Not to mention the cost to purify the water. Sheer nonsense!

Michael H. Smith

April 1st, 2013
5:49 pm

Georgia should regain its’ rightful territory and share of Tennessee river water.

Real Athens

April 1st, 2013
6:10 pm

Kyle: Please tell me this is an April Fool’s joke.

Michael H. Smith

April 1st, 2013
6:12 pm

It’s 104 miles (as the crow flies) from Chattanooga to Atlanta. Can you imagine what water would cost factoring the cost of building pipeline that far?

Nope just can’t image it, because in reality California went a great deal further and spent a great deal more money than Georgia would ever have to spend on a pipe in order to use water from the Tennessee river.

Colorado River Aqueduct

The Colorado River Aqueduct, or CRA, is a 242 mi (389 km) water conveyance in Southern California in the United States, operated by the Metropolitan Water District of Southern California (MWD). The aqueduct impounds water from the Colorado River at Lake Havasu on the California-Arizona border west across the Mojave and Colorado deserts to the east side of the Santa Ana Mountains. It is one of the primary sources of drinking water for Southern California.

Originally conceived by William Mulholland and designed by Chief Engineer Frank E. Weymouth of the MWD, it was the largest public works project in southern California during the Great Depression. The project employed 30,000 people over an eight-year period and as many as 10,000 at one time.[2]

The system is composed of two reservoirs, five pumping stations, 63 mi (101 km) of canals, 92 mi (148 km) of tunnels, and 84 mi (135 km) of buried conduit and siphons. Average annual throughput is 1,200,000 acre·ft (1.5 km3).[2]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colorado_River_Aqueduct

Sheer non-sense aye? :roll:

Michael H. Smith

April 1st, 2013
6:16 pm

Goodnight to all.

Uncle Jed

April 1st, 2013
6:18 pm

If all Georgians passing through TN would just stop at the rest stop and fill a gallon jug…

MarkV

April 1st, 2013
6:23 pm

Real Athens, this is not a joke, this is serious business. There will be a call to organize Kyle’s Volunteers to defend the section of I-75 before it splits against any tennesseenien aggression in case they decide that the best defense is offense. All those posting comments on Kyle’s blog will be expected to join.

jconservative

April 1st, 2013
6:34 pm

Pipe the water from Savannah after desalinization. For know-how see Israel and Texas.

mike

April 1st, 2013
6:35 pm

Yeah, but Michael H. Smith, that was one of those “socialist” projects under Roosevelt. What would such an undertaking cost today? Especially since the water users in Atlanta would have to bear the entire cost?

getalife

April 1st, 2013
6:37 pm

A preemptive occupation is the gop way.

Shock and awe them Ga.

mike

April 1st, 2013
6:38 pm

It’s 215 miles from Savannah to Atlanta. How much would that pipeline cost? Not to mention the cost of the desalinization plant. Would you be willing to pay $200 a month for water? I don’t think so.

MarkV

April 1st, 2013
6:55 pm

Atlanta is over 1000 feet higher than sea level to pump desalinated water from Savannah. The elevation difference between Chattanooga and Atlanta is only about 365 feet.

Ray

April 1st, 2013
6:58 pm

What a hoot!

Georgia

April 1st, 2013
7:06 pm

Hillbilly D

April 1st, 2013
7:16 pm

How much friggin’ money will it cost for legal fees for all the court cases that will come from this exercise in grandstanding?

md

April 1st, 2013
7:32 pm

Just go up to the line and drill one massive well……that water will find it’s way into the hole…..

Hillbilly D

April 1st, 2013
7:39 pm

In his book “War at Every Door: Partisan Politics and Guerrilla Violence in East Tennessee, 1861-1869,” historian Noel Fisher describes the way in which both Confederate and Union occupying armies struggled to comprehend the byzantine politics and grudges of East Tennessee and assert anything like political authority over such a lawless race of mountain people.

Don’t live in Tennessee but my part of Georgia is much the same. It’s best to just leave us alone and the same probably goes for the folks in East Tennessee. Things go to the grave in our world and it works pretty well for us. Don’t have as many killings as some of the sophisticated places and when we do, half the time it was somebody who needed killin’ anyway.

Aesop's Fables and other Lib Economic Theories

April 1st, 2013
7:44 pm

Yuan Hits Record High vs. Dollar…

The Chinese will figure it out after they take over.

@@

April 1st, 2013
7:55 pm

How much friggin’ money will it cost for legal fees for all the court cases that will come from this exercise in grandstanding?

Maybe the bag men for the lobbyists can represent us pro bono?

Skip

April 1st, 2013
8:10 pm

You want Atlanta burned to the ground again?

Thomas Heyward Jr

April 1st, 2013
8:32 pm

“The Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA) is a federally owned corporation in the United States created by congressional charter in May 1933.”
.
Don’t lets fight amongst ourselves.
.
Let the good soveriegn citizens of Tennessee help Georgia rid the Federales from Buford Dam…………and the good Sovereign citizens of Georgia will help rid the whole Tenneessee valley of the same Federale scurge.
Together we will chase those blue-bellied devils back to the District of Crooks or…..where ever they were spawned from.
.
Water problems solved.
And we’ll have more Decency in Dixie.

Hillbilly D

April 1st, 2013
8:35 pm

Maybe the bag men for the lobbyists can represent us pro bono?

More like sonny bono, probably. (IWH)

middle of the road

April 1st, 2013
9:12 pm

If those original surveyors had done their jobs correctly, this wouldn’t be an issue. Where did they go to school anyway? Georgia Tech?

Of course, Tennessee could volunteer to give us some water…

middle of the road

April 1st, 2013
9:15 pm

Or we could threaten them with legalizing fireworks in Georgia, so Georgia residents would no longer go to Tennessee to buy…

@@

April 1st, 2013
9:36 pm

Why DON’T we have fireworks here?

I made a rare visit to the neighbor fella’s place. Don’t be surprised if blood comes oozing from that direction. It gets worse as time goes by.

When they’re not etup with the cutesies, they’re etup with anger.

It’s like a war zone.

@@

April 1st, 2013
9:41 pm

Hillbilly D

April 1st, 2013
9:47 pm

Why DON’T we have fireworks here?

When I was a kid, fireworks were legal in Georgia. I think it was the mid-60’s when they outlawed them, if my memory is right.

The man with the pole knows.

Study up on “adverse possession”, my guess is it would play a major part in all this.

bluecoat

April 1st, 2013
9:50 pm

Enter your comments here

@@

April 1st, 2013
9:58 pm

Hillbilly:

Adverse Possession?

Can’t make heads nor tails of the legal mumbo jumbo.

So….for what length of time was this dispute allowed to lay dormant?

Hillbilly D

April 1st, 2013
10:19 pm

@@

In my opinion, there’s no set time, it gets quite tricky, which is why lawyers make big bucks and write convoluted laws, I reckon. I’ve seen it come up a few times over the years; we fight over land more than anything else, up here in the Hills.

I think there’s also a couple of other terms that are similar but a little different. There’s lots to argue over……for a price.

@@

April 1st, 2013
10:26 pm

Hillbilly:

So what you’re saying is…..lawyers (sharks) won’t hesitate to attack a killer whale (Tennessee) in hopes of getting a hefty bite of blubber?

(ISH)

bluecoat

April 1st, 2013
10:49 pm

Can’t get a post through for some reason.Unless the term cr!!!!er get it thrown out .

bluecoat

April 1st, 2013
10:51 pm

OK you Georgians you stole the General(train locomotive)but this is no indication you will win the water war.I’ll try this.

John Ellison

April 2nd, 2013
6:16 am

The oil industry has developed and is currently employing horizontal drilling. They can horizontally drill 2-3 miles from the surface site. Georgia can drill on this side of the Tennessee state line and horizontally drill 2 miles into the Tennessee River. Problem solved!

Aesop's Fables and other Lib Economic Theories

April 2nd, 2013
7:32 am

Connecticut passes sweeping gun laws…
State decides who can buy guns, ammunition…
More than 100 weapon types banned…

Moral cowards.

JDW

April 2nd, 2013
8:32 am

“So….for what length of time was this dispute allowed to lay dormant?”

Based on what I read, the Supreme Court has never ruled in favor of the plaintiff (TN) in such a case with a shorter period of dormancy than around 45 years…over the years the longest gap between resolutions on the subject passed by the state legislature is around 35 years.

It does seem a bit silly but may well be winnable.

JDW

April 2nd, 2013
8:33 am

Sorry I meant TN would be the Defendant should we sue them.

Aesop's Fables and other Lib Economic Theories

April 2nd, 2013
8:55 am

To get on the new yorkkk city mayoral GOP ballot, Smith allegedly enlisted Halloran, a Republican, to set up meetings with party leaders and negotiate thousands of dollars in bribes. The money was masked as payments for legal and accounting services, sources said.

Halloran allegedly collected thousands in bribes for himself along the way, the sources said.

He is separately charged with taking bribes from a consultant in return for up to $80,000 in City Council discretionary funding.

The feds were already investigating Halloran when they got wind of the alleged ballot-manipulating plan in November, the sources said. Smith met with his alleged co-conspirators as recently as February.

Well, now we know how bloomberg got elected.

Finn McCool (the system isn't broken; it's fixed)

April 2nd, 2013
9:21 am

Obama to propose $100 million brain-mapping project

Conservative heads exploding in 10…9….8…7…