Forty years of faltering fatherhood
When I wake up each morning, chances are it is to the sound of one of my sons. Whether it’s the voice of my 3-year-old or my 4-month-old that breaks my slumber, I find out when I come to. But they’re earlier risers than I am, and more to the point, they live under my roof.
Four decades ago, six in seven kids could say the same thing. Today, it’s five in seven. At current trends, when my boys are my age, perhaps half of American children will live with their dads.
It won’t be only on Father’s Day when they notice.
Sure, many of those future children will see their dads occasionally, as do many of those today who live only with their mothers. But you’ve probably heard the statistics before: Children living with two married parents are less likely to be poor and more likely to be healthy (physically and mentally) and to do well in school than kids who live with single parents or even cohabiting adults.
There’s another obvious but overlooked way boys from two-married-parent households will be better off. They’ll have more of a clue of what it means to be a good dad.
I’ve had few experiences more humbling than fatherhood. (Much of this, and more, I’m sure, applies also to motherhood.)
You learn quickly that babies might drink formula, but they don’t follow formulas. “If X is happening, do Y and you’ll get outcome Z” might work sometimes, but a lot of times it won’t.
You learn quickly that children have their own personalities and, within hours of a second child’s birth, how different they can be. All your practice dealing with one kid’s quirks suddenly looks pretty useless in raising No. 2.
You learn quickly that there’s little you can do about it if Junior doesn’t walk or talk as fast as his peers. If you’re wise, you realize, sooner or later, that you might not have had all that much to do with it if he is one of the fast learners.
And I think you learn, no matter what your relationship was like with your own dad, that there are things to learn from his influence in your life as you try to raise your own child(ren).
Maybe it’s the things he did right, maybe it’s the things he did wrong. My own dad was (is) such a great father, and my own shortcomings as a dad are so apparent to me, it’s all I can do to think about and try to adopt the things he did (does) well.
But even if your dad was a lousy, no-count cuss of an old man, you know why his lousy, no-count, accursed ways were wrong. And why it mattered.
If he was just a no-show, all you know is what absence is like.
Maybe you use his absence as motivation to be present for your own kids, and if so, good for you. But we humans tend to live out the behavior modeled for us, for better or worse. I have to think the rising numbers of children born out of wedlock — 41 percent of all births in 2010 — and/or living without their fathers reflect a pattern of fatherless men letting their own children grow up the same way.
Think of it as compound illegitimacy: The effects of one dad’s absence from his kids’ lives growing and growing, for them and their own children, for years to come.
We don’t talk about these things when we have “national conversations” about topics like inequality. But it’s hard to believe something like tax rates for the 1 percent has as much to do with inequality as a couple of generations of kids growing up with, and passing on, the sins of their fathers.
– By Kyle Wingfield
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139 comments Add your comment
md
June 16th, 2012
11:56 am
That 99% can dictate policy by uniting to buy specific goods and services…….hence the reason of their stagnant wages. If that buying power remains concentrated on the lowest price, and our imports remain higher than our exports, wages will remain low.
The iphone/ipad would not be 5-600 bucks if the masses refused to pay that price. Same for the cheap stuff….make the choice to buy local, shunning the cheap imports will force the price of labor up as folks make a conscious effort to boost their own wages…….
I’m not holding my breath though as Hyundai is soaring as a preferred choice…..shipping those dollars and jobs to Korea…..along with every other cheaper import we continue to buy.
Spartacus
June 16th, 2012
12:09 pm
Hate to disagree with you md….but Hyundai’s plant is in Montgomery, AL and Kia’s plant is in West Point. They provide excellent non union jobs that Detroit’s Big Three won’t.
Spartacus
June 16th, 2012
12:10 pm
I knew the man hating Ayn RANT and Deb in Athens would be frothing at their muzzles regarding Kyle’s comments….LOL
md
June 16th, 2012
12:12 pm
“Hate to disagree with you md….but Hyundai’s plant is in Montgomery, AL and Kia’s plant is in West Point. They provide excellent non union jobs that Detroit’s Big Three won’t.”
Yes…..but the mother ship is in Korea……jobs here but profit goes over there to enrich their shareholders, employees, and communities.
Spartacus
June 16th, 2012
12:17 pm
hmmmm…..seems like West Point and Montgomery have been enriched quite well with all the ancillary buisnesses that have popped around them. Both of their local economies would be much worse without them. Not all multinational corporations are bad…..that’s the typical boogieman for libs
Spartacus
June 16th, 2012
12:19 pm
….and, if there is an “American” equivalent of the iphone, please let me know
md
June 16th, 2012
12:46 pm
I have no problem with trade…..we need it to a degree……what we don’t need is imbalanced trade. It is harmful to all of us as the chart I posted yesterday illustrates. We currently have an imbalance of 50B each and every month…….that’s money leaving our system and not coming back.
That is what is detrimental to our economy and local communities……….
Hyundai was just the example…..combine it with others to get the big picture.
And of one missed the chart, I’ll put it up again:
http://www.epi.org/publication/webfeatures_snapshots_archive_02282001/
md
June 16th, 2012
12:47 pm
“….and, if there is an “American” equivalent of the iphone, please let me know”
Again, merely an example of price related to demand…….
Spartacus
June 16th, 2012
12:59 pm
so your solution is to buy inferior, more costly union made American cars nobody wants (like the plug in Volt)??
And I don’t even know if there is a SINGLE “American” phone maker
you don’t seem to be much of a capitalist….
md
June 16th, 2012
1:09 pm
“you don’t seem to be much of a capitalist….”
As I said, it’s all about the imbalance……capitalism at the expense of one’s own economy is illogical…..
Forty Years of Faltering Fatherhood
June 16th, 2012
1:42 pm
[...] It won’t be only on Father’s Day when they notice. <READ MORE> [...]
Thulsa Doom
June 16th, 2012
2:41 pm
Shame used to be a powerful influence. Unfortunately its no longer shameful in our society for men to just make babies and then walk away from their responsibilities and expect taxpayers to pick up the slack for their sorry POS asses. But a big thanks to all the fathers out there who do a great job of doing the manly thing and raising their kids.
killerj
June 16th, 2012
3:31 pm
Mines 18 and still has both,just like my father and his father when we were old enough to understand,I will reflect on it canoeing on the lake if mama doesnt strangle me before I get there!….Happy Fathers Day!
Rafe Hollister, suffering through Oblamer's ineptocracy
June 16th, 2012
3:43 pm
Interesting column on the Oblamer power grab for those who have a moment.
http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/303037/are-we-revolutionary-times-victor-davis-hanson#
Hillbilly D
June 16th, 2012
3:53 pm
Yes…..but the mother ship is in Korea……jobs here but profit goes over there to enrich their shareholders, employees, and communities.
capitalism at the expense of one’s own economy is illogical…..
Good points. I was raised that you take care of your own first. And your first point is also a pretty good definition of a colony. I’m an anti-colonialist in any case but especially when we’re the ones being colonized.
Shame used to be a powerful influence.
In my opinion, two of the biggest problems now are 1)No sense of shame and 2)An over abundance of “self-esteem”, aka lack of humility.
Solve those two and a lot of our other problems will fix themselves.
Rafe Hollister, suffering through Oblamer's ineptocracy
June 16th, 2012
4:03 pm
Hillbilly
As my father stroked my rear end with a belt, you could count on him saying at least once, “I’m so ashamed of you I don’t know what to do”.
Rafe Hollister, suffering through Oblamer's ineptocracy
June 16th, 2012
4:05 pm
BTW, I lived the rest of his life, trying to make him proud of me.
carlosgvv
June 16th, 2012
4:10 pm
Barry – 11:54
One of the markers of maturity is taking responsibility for your life and for both the good and bad that hapens in it.
One of the markers of immaturity is blaming someone or something for
every bad thing that happens in your life. In your case, its you blaming Obama and the Democrats for everything that’s wrong with your life.
Maybe someday you will grow up and be a man and learn what responsibility means.
Hillbilly D
June 16th, 2012
4:13 pm
Rafe
Yeah, times have really changed. I’ve heard many people say to or of their children, “no matter what you do, we’ll always be here for you”. It wasn’t that way in the house I grew up in. We knew if we screwed up bad enough, we’d be disowned. It never happened in my immediate family but I have seen it in the extended family. I still believe fear is a powerful motivator.
I Report (-: You Whine )-: mmm, mmmm, mmmmm! Just sayin...
June 16th, 2012
4:20 pm
Young illegal immigrants’ amnesty could tighten competition for jobs, college – Washington Post
You reckon?
@@
June 16th, 2012
4:56 pm
Maybe it all results from the “Cohabitation Effect”.
The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage
In a nationwide survey conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce.
But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.
Jennifer said she never really felt that her boyfriend was committed to her. “I felt like I was on this multiyear, never-ending audition to be his wife,” she said.
Nooooooooooo. I wonder what made her think THAT!!??!!
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1
Hillbilly D
June 16th, 2012
5:00 pm
@@
I can only speak of people I’ve known personally but of the ones I have, it always boiled down to this, one person thought they would eventually get married and the other had no intention of ever getting married. I’ll probably catch hell for that but that’s been my experience going back to the 70’s.
@@
June 16th, 2012
5:11 pm
Hillbilly:
…it always boiled down to this, one person thought they would eventually get married and the other had no intention of ever getting married.
Some women aren’t the sharpest knives in the door.
My daughter’s boyfriend (4 years) is pressuring her to share an apartment with him. Said he wanted to find out if she’d get on his nerves while living together.
My advice to her?
Tell him you WILL get on his nerves. Married people get on each others nerves…it’s a given. Then tell him he’s about to get on your LAST nerve.
@@
June 16th, 2012
5:11 pm
door?
drawer!
md
June 16th, 2012
6:03 pm
I cohabited first……been together for 30+ years. After watching several in my family get married and divorced within a year, the try it before you buy it method worked better for us……we were able to work through the rough spots before saying I do……it was still a commitment either way, but not as messy if we weren’t as compatible as we first thought.
Living in “sin” was the least of my worries at the time……….
SBinF
June 16th, 2012
6:15 pm
I disagree. I grew up with a father and still think that inequality in society is a function of structural action.
It’s a bit of a crock. Absent fathers are now responsible for the gross inequality, not policies enacted by the government at the behest of the monied few.
md
June 16th, 2012
6:22 pm
“I grew up with a father and still think that inequality in society is a function of structural action.”
Sounds like an excuse to me……I grew up on the other side of the tracks…..worked 3 jobs, went to night school on the forever plan and moved myself out of that situation……
There are many that put there mind into that free education we grant everybody and usually have the pick of their institution of higher learning (and the jobs that come with it).
We choose everything we do…….including making excuses.
@@
June 16th, 2012
6:28 pm
md:
Maybe your one of the exceptions.
When my daughter asked her boyfriend how long this arrangement would last, he said 7….8 years?
My advice to my daughter?
Tell him you’ll give him an answer in 7….8 years?
Two can play that game.
Signed: Coach @@
(ISH)
md
June 16th, 2012
7:54 pm
@@
We basically gave ourselves a year knowing that is when all the crap usually hits the fan….the small stuff seems to give folks the most problems……that and money.
But yeah, it’s not for everybody but it worked for us. But we were committed to each other and were determined to make it work. I’d tell the guy 7-8 years doesn’t seem like much of a commitment.
@@
June 16th, 2012
8:20 pm
Sandra Fluke returns favor, endorses Obama
Woo hoo!
schnirt
Gary Johnson got some endorsements too. Willie Nelson and Jessie Ventura.
Tiberius - Banned from Bookman's and proud of it!
June 16th, 2012
8:26 pm
“One of the markers of immaturity is blaming someone or something for
every bad thing that happens in your life.”
Seriously, carlos? You have the gall to post that given the President you worship has blamed everybody BUT himself for the failure of his administration to do – anything – to improve this country’s lot for his entire freakin’ term?
Lil' Barry Bailout (Unexpectedly Revised Downward--Again)
June 16th, 2012
9:09 pm
carlosgvv: In your case, its you blaming Obama and the Democrats for everything that’s wrong with your life.
————————–
I don’t have any worries about my life. In the vernacular of the envious, greedy libtard “I’ve got mine–screw everyone else”.
I’d like my kids to be able to live in a meritocracy where people who work for a living get to enjoy the fruits of their labor rather than having 30% or more confiscated to support loser Democrats.
native
June 16th, 2012
10:19 pm
Mr Wingard,
You are embarked on the most important mission you will ever undertake. Raising children is not a burden but a 20 year ecstacy with occasional detours. I salute you, sir. Keep up the good work.
Your liberal democrat compatriot. I raised three daughters.
Lil' Barry Bailout (Unexpectedly Revised Downward--Again)
June 17th, 2012
7:11 am
Obozo’s budget deficit, by year:
2009: $1.4 trillion
2010: $1.3 trillion
2011: $1.3 trillion
2012: $1.3 trillion
AU Liberal in ATL
June 17th, 2012
7:51 am
I admit it, this must all be my fault. After all, I’m a pro-choice, gay, liberal, non-religious, socialist, democrat, and an advocate for gun control. Who else could possibly be to blame?
Lil' Barry Bailout (Unexpectedly Revised Downward--Again)
June 17th, 2012
8:50 am
It’s not your fault, AU, it’s the fault of people in government who are trying to force your values on Americans.
Chris Sanchez
June 17th, 2012
9:59 am
Happy Father’s Day Kyle!
md
June 17th, 2012
10:06 am
“After all, I’m a pro-choice, gay, liberal, non-religious, socialist, democrat, and an advocate for gun control.”
This is a free country…..and we choose everything we do, so maybe you should go out and form a “socialist” club and then you are free to go out and adopt any and all that you deem worthy of your assistance………some of us would prefer to remain “selfish” by not supporting the others that are equally selfish by choosing not to better themselves, take advantage of a free education, or just plain decide that they choose to make 30k a year and live the simple life……….
Choices my friend……
Tiberius - Banned from Bookman's and proud of it!
June 17th, 2012
10:38 am
Happy Father’s Day, Kyle, and all the dads out here in Wingfield-land!
@@
June 17th, 2012
1:20 pm
Goldberg’s observations put me in mind of AmVet, where one single thought/obsession exists.
Today, of course, the 1950s is the belle époque of reasonable conservatism. Just ask New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, or, for that matter, President Barack Obama, who insists that the GOP is in the throes of a “fever” and is displaying signs of “madness.” It’s his humble wish that the GOP will regain its senses and return to being the party of Eisenhower.
Today’s intellectual conservatives, likewise, are held against the standard of yesterday’s and found wanting. New York Times Book Review editor Sam Tanenhaus wrote a book on “the death of conservatism” a few years ago (inconveniently, right before conservatism was dramatically revivified by the Tea Party, which helped the GOP win historic victories in the 2010 elections), in which he pined for the conservative intellectuals of the 1950s and 1960s.
Of course, the Tanenhauses of their day were horrified by the very same conservative intellectuals. Within a year of William F. Buckley’s founding of National Review in 1955, liberal intellectuals insisted that the magazine’s biggest failure was its inability to be authentically conservative. The editor of Harper’s proclaimed the founding editors of NR to be “the very opposite of conservatives.” Liberal titan Dwight Macdonald lamented that the “pseudo-conservative” National Review was nowhere near as wonderful the old Freeman magazine.
Again and again, the line is the same: I like conservatives, just not these conservatives.
Liberals like AmVet hate conservatives of any brand. It’s as simple as that.
http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/302904/myth-good-conservative-jonah-goldberg#
Lil' Barry Bailout (Unexpectedly Revised Downward--Again)
June 17th, 2012
1:37 pm
Liberals prefer conservatives who don’t stand up for their beliefs, like those who populated the House during the Democrats 40-year reign of terror prior to 1994. Conservatives make libs nervous because conservatives bring facts into the debate, and the liberals policies can’t stand up to a factual evaluation.
Tiberius - Banned from Bookman's and proud of it!
June 17th, 2012
1:47 pm
Liberals just what they can’t understand.
And there’s a LOT they can’t understand.
Tiberius - Banned from Bookman's and proud of it!
June 17th, 2012
1:48 pm
just hate, btw
@@
June 17th, 2012
2:24 pm
just hate, btw
Left yourself wide open with that one, Tiberius.
Hater?
(ISH)
Dusty
June 17th, 2012
2:32 pm
Well, last night’s political discussions on TV really came down on the WHITE HOUSE announcements that gave away so much secret information on our fight against terrorism. While trying to make”hay” about the death of Osama, the White House told so much about the happenings that one undercover agent in Yeman had to be brought out of the country.. Our use of military instrumentation was also explained in public much to the detriment of our troops & country.
Now Holder has appointed two investigators to find who who released this info. It had to be someone near the top as it was detailed. Republicans feel that Holder’s appointments are like putting the “fox to investigate who robbed the chicken house”. The want a private investigation.
(If this has already been discussed I did not see it. I don’t read everything discussed here so may have missed it. )
Dusty
June 17th, 2012
2:37 pm
Did I say who who? I did. I still wonder who who did it!
Dusty
June 17th, 2012
2:51 pm
If there are two perpetrators, may I say WHO WHO? (Kinda slow here today! Woohoo?)
I know. The Braves are playing this afternoon. I better check on them. Hope they don’t run out of pitchers.. Delgado is pitching. (Who?)
Thulsa Doom
June 17th, 2012
3:17 pm
“While trying to make”hay” about the death of Osama, the White House told so much about the happenings that one undercover agent in Yeman had to be brought out of the country”
Obama do love to spike the football he do. The real shame about the leaks is that its not just one leak. I believe its 4 major leaks now from info that got the Pakistani doctor jailed for life to the leak that endangered the Yemeni above to the leak about a kill list to the leak about the virus that we infected Iran’s computers with. That’s 4 major leaks right there alone and I think I’m leaving one out. No doubt- this administration is riddled with incompetence.
Dusty
June 17th, 2012
3:31 pm
Thulsa
It is even worse than I thought. Seems like we would be hearing more about it. This administration is riddled with more than incompetence. If it’s not ignorance, it must be treason.
I believe “giving aid and comfort to our enemies” is in our Consitution and is called “treason”. (Constitution of the USA ili. 3.1.)
Tiberius - Banned from Bookman's and proud of it!
June 17th, 2012
5:43 pm
“It is even worse than I thought.”
Here’s where we differ, Dusty. NOTHING they do could be any worse than I thought they’d do when he was first elected.
Obama’s lived down to my every expectation.