Posts Tagged ‘Michael Vick’

Before getting to this week’s big game — Florida vs. The Indecipherable Dogs of Athens — a world news update: Police in northern England tasered a 61-year-old blind man the other day after — and I’m not making this up — they mistook his white cane for a Samurai sword. Fortunately, the man, Colin Farmer, seems OK after being hit with 50,000 volts of electricity and handcuffed by England’s finest nincompoops, although he may own half the United Kingdom and be knighted before the next attorney knocks on his door.

The po-po chief, Stuart Williams, said, “It became apparent that this man was not the person we were looking for, and officers attended to him straight away. Lancashire Constabulary deeply regrets what has happened.” And then he excused himself for his new job — walking behind elephants.

He said police were responding to reports of a man walking around with a sword. Of course. So their intentions were honorable.

Shawn Williams didn't call teammates "Pop Tarts." But he …

Continue reading Predictions: Sorry, Doggies — Gators look too good »

Having just completed my annual day of Jewish repentance — 24 hours usually isn’t enough, so I tend to just focus on the top seven or eight sins — I was surprised to see a headline on the London Daily Mail website about, “Bagel Heads” taking over Japan. And I’m thinking, OK, I break my fast with bagels every year. I can see the Japanese liking bagels. Everybody likes bagels.

(The real bagels, not the press board at Kroger. There are two things that never should be considered acceptable: replacement bagels and replacement NFL officials. I swear, if Roger Goodell ever got on stage and said, “I think these replacement bagels are getting the job done,” he’d have 7,000 rabbis jump him and make him scream, “Onion! Sesame! Poppy!” within seven seconds.)

Where was I? Right, “Bagel Heads.”

Oy. Really? (via natgeotv.com)

So it turns out this actually is a “fashion trend” in Japan. I wish I was making this up: Misguided youth are having saline injected into their forehead, after which …

Continue reading Predictions: No bagels, but Dogs win, Jackets don’t collapse »

Welcome back for another week of almost-flawless investment advice. We’re off to a decent start here: 17-5 overall, 14-8 against the spread and 12-0 in the games I was really serious about. The “Sack Schultz 2012″ contest is not playing out as well. I went 8-7 last week, which puts me in 319th place, or right on track to win the trip to … Kabul.

If things don’t improve, I may have to reassess my marketing leverage and join the ACC (at least in softball and lacrosse).

And speaking of numbers:

OMG — the Denver school people are right!

The Falcons face Beelzebub this week. No, not Bobby Petrino — Peyton Manning. Yes, Manning is pure evil. Or at least his jersey number is. The Greeley-Evans (Colo.) school district has barred kids from wearing Manning jerseys because he’s No. 18, and there’s concern that he has ties to the “18th Street” gang, or maybe because 666 (The Number of the Beast!) adds up to 18, or maybe because every single member of the Greeley-Evans School District is …

Continue reading Predictions: Falcons over No. 666, Tech wins, Pigs faceplant »

That's going to leave a mark. But how about a game, MV?

Let me preface this by declaring that I am NOT pulling against Michael Vick during his post-prison career, which has the potential to be one of the greatest comeback stories in professional sports history (although not at this rate).

OK, that disclaimer out of the way, this is kind of funny.

Vick’s tendency to take so many hits and keep getting injured, particularly in this NFL exhibition season, has reached mocking level. He hurt the thumb on his throwing hand in Philadelphia’s first preseason game. He had ribs crushed Monday against New England. All X-rays, MRIs and CT scans have been negative, but the guy has spent more time in examination rooms than taking snaps in games. (Two-game stats: 4 for 7, 11 yards, 0 touchdowns, 1 sack, 2 injuries.)

So that prompted Robert Littal from the website, BlackSportsOnline, to post a game: “Mike Vick Injury Bingo.” The game’s winning squares include generic injuries like, …

Continue reading Now on Internet: It’s Mike Vick Injury Bingo! (ouch) »

Is cornerback Asante Samuel pointed for Atlanta? (AP photo)

(Update: The Asante Samuel trade is complete. The Falcons will send a low-round draft pick to Philadelphia for Samuel and the cornerback signed a salary cap-friendly three-year, $18.5 million contract. The team has not yet announced any other moves regarding potential restructuring of contracts of other players.)

Even if some would debate the success of their ventures, there is one undeniable reality of the Falcons’ rebuilding efforts in the past four years: Their offseasons haven’t been short of wow moments

A team doesn’t draft, sign or trade for the likes of Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Tony Gonzalez, Dunta Robinson, Ray Edwards and Julio Jones unless there is some degree of aggressiveness in the front office. It’s why these past several weeks of mere re-signings have been met with a collective yawn. As if the Falcons suddenly are settling.

General manager Thomas Dimitroff views that perception as harsh. But …

Continue reading Falcons would send right message with Asante Samuel trade »

Hello, and welcome back to another adventure of, “Yeah, I knew that would happen.”

Before getting to this week’s episode, “My Three Ideas To Fix Government: Um, uh … oops,” by Rick Perry, I have great financial news.

This is Weekend Predictions No. 11 for the season. And Friday’s date is 11/11/11. Ooh. Scary.

According to Chinese feng shui — OK, according to a story I saw about a chain letter going around that referenced the date being Chinese feng shui-friendly — calendar dates with repeating “1’s” in it are called “moneybags.” Word is that you need only refer this news to eight friends, assuming none work in State College, to assure yourself of riches, so sayeth, the proverb.

In gambling, this is what we like to refer to as, “A system.” Also bankruptcy.

Rick Perry should start with something easy: The Three Stooges.

My last system blew up. When Georgia started the season 0-2, I applied the, “They’re Toast” system and it didn’t work.  Two months later, the Bulldogs are …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: Number align for Dogs, Falcons »

We will commence with this week’s blue chip indicators immediately following Steve Spurrier’s testimony to his superiors regarding the stolen strawberries aboard the U.S.S. Caine. Ssssh. I think he’s losing it …

“Lies! I tried to run the ship properly by the book but they fought me at every turn! They encouraged the crew to go around scoffing at me and spreading wild rumors about steaming in circles! And then old yellow stain! I was to blame for Lt. Merrick’s incompetence and poor seamanship. Lt. Merrick was the perfect officer but not Captain Queeg. Ah, but the strawberries! That’s where I had them! They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist! I … I … I …”

Darth Dawg! (I post this only because I stumbled on a "Dogs in Star Wars costumes" list at BWE.TV).

Come back to us, Steve.

I never really noticed the resemblance between Spurrier and Captain Queeg until …

Continue reading Falcons, Jackets, Dogs win (Lies! Lies, says Spurrier!) »

Ray Edwards may have just looked at the Falcons' playoff odds. (Curtis Compton/AJC)

If the Falcons’ season isn’t yet kaput at 2-3, history suggests they’re at least battling some long odds just to make the playoffs.

You’re not going to read any of these numbers in team-approved literature this week. But I just took a walk through franchise history — being very careful where to step — and will now bring you some of that ugly reality:

• This is 30th time in 46 seasons the Falcons have started a season 2-3 or worse. Only three times in the previous 29 occasions did the team make the playoffs. That equates to a 10.3 percent chance of reaching the postseason.

• The odds are slightly better if you count only 16-game seasons. The Falcons failed to make the playoffs any of the 10 years they started 2-3 or worse in 14-game seasons. They’ve reached the postseason in three of 19 16-game seasons with such a start — 15.8 percent.

• Because all three Falcons’ losses are conference …

Continue reading Poll: Falcons trying to buck playoff odds (what say you?) »

Dude. My head hurts. Here I am trying to psych myself up for My People’s annual 24-hour, sin-cleansing fast (on a football Saturday!) and Jordan Schafer has totally thrown me for a loop. It’s not about his marijuana arrest but what the police confiscated: three marijuana peanut butter cups.

Half of you emailed me asking if I had a recipe. Like that automatically comes with a California birth certificate. Sorry. Mama only taught me how to make lasagna.

Pot-infused Reeses? This could be the greatest/worstest potential vicious cycle of munchies known to mankind. Buzzed. Eat. Buzzed. Eat. More, more, more. MORE!!! Forget bombs. We should just drop pot-infused Reese’s on suspected Al-Qaeda hideouts. They’d all fall into helium-like, empty-calorie comas (at least after seven hours of the Cartoon Network).

Floating around the web: The Vols' Nike Pro Combat unis.

Which leads me to Georgia-Tennessee. (Transitions take up space.)

Barbara Dooley doesn’t need no wacky tobaccy to …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: Dogs and Falcons are going down »

It has been a difficult week, and I’m not just talking about the Braves’ exit or the fact that Nancy Graceless apparently had some sort of wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Mutants, which brought the world to a standstill, wiped out half the planet’s vegetation and destroyed the good and the innocence that exists inside all of us.

But the really difficult week has been in Flowery Branch, where everybody has been looking at game film and coming to the realization: “Wow. We really stink. Has Nancy ever played left tackle? Because really, she can’t be any worse than Sam Baker, although he might look better in sequins.”

Could Nancy at left tackle be an improvement?

The Falcons are 1-2 so, yeah, they’ve still got 13 games left. But they’ve got problems. When the quarterback seems to call plays better than the offensive coordinator, and too many guys on defense still look at each other with that Scooby Doo, rut-roh gaze in their eyeballs, and linemen aren’t even stopping …

Continue reading Falcons, Dogs, Jackets dance better than Nancy Graceless »