Archive for the ‘Weekend Predictions’ Category

Weekend Predictions: Falcons, Dogs and Sarah (oh my)

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First, let me address the rumors on everybody’s mind: Neither Jon Bon Jovi, L.L. Cool J nor I will be responding to reports of  anything that may have happened back in the 1980s, and the fact is I was only in Alaska to cover the Iditarod for the Santa Monica Evening Outlook, just on the chance that sled-dog racing would catch on at Venice Beach, and besides, I had long hair back then and Sarah Heath had, wow, hair, back then, and she said funny things like, “Oh look, Moscow,” and, “Obviously, we’ve got to stand with our North Korean allies,” and, “I want to be President!” But then she asked me if I knew Glen Rice personally, and things just got weird, and … wait, where was I?

Roddy White can even do this after a touchdown if you let him.

Roddy White can even do this, if you let him.

Oh yes, Michael Vick is back.

No, this time he’s really back. He was here as a backup and here as an injured guy. Now he’s rolling. And the Falcons are — well, what are the Falcons? We think they’re pretty good. But they didn’t look the part last week in …

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Dogs in upset! Falcons win! Mt. Richt erupts! (OK, 2 out of 3)

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Welcome back. The Power Ranger jersey burning will be held on North Campus at 11 a.m. Please bring your own lighter fluid, or a Todd Grantham game plan, whichever you consider more flammable.

It’s only one game into the season. But I fear Mark Richt is starting to morph into an extra from “Scanners,” a 1980s sci-fi movie in which relative super creeps with telepathic powers (Scanners) are used by an evil corporation to, like, take over the planet. There’s a cool scene when somebody’s head literally explodes. History tells us that prevented Bobby Petrino from getting the Auburn job. Wait, wrong movie.

Georgia made the cover of Sports Illustrated! Well, sort of.

Georgia made the Sports Illustrated cover. Sorta.

Anyway, on Tuesday Richt snapped  at a reporter when he was asked a second time about the magnitude of this week’s game. On Wednesday, when asked if this was a “must-win” game, he said, “We look at every game like it’s a must-win. So however you want to spin it, you can spin it. You guys spin it any way you want to anyway.”

On …

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Weekend Predictions: Just not feeling Dogs over Boise

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(Updated)

Because one guy flying to Brazil was so desperate for a successful business that he tried to smuggle seven snakes and three tortoises out of Florida by stuffing them in his pants (cue Mae West: “Are those reptiles in your pocket or are you …”), and because Miami president Donna Shalala suddenly can’t figure out why Nevin Shapiro would corrupt her fine young scholarly athletes with money and girls named Bambi and Candi (he seemed so nice when she was taking his booster checks), and because Nike continues to take over the world one football uniform design at a time (stitched together in Vietnam for 79 cents an hour) . . .

Hello. I am back.

I am, "Robo Dawg!" (Somebody actually thinks this looks good?)

I am, "Robo Dawg!" (Somebody actually thinks this looks good?)

We provide economic dreams here. By now, you should know how it works here at Weekend Predictions. Every week, I give you the winners. You just have to find them. Some projections might appear blemished when the game is played, but those are just clever plants to throw …

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It’s ‘Sack Schultz’ time and you can win a trip to Hawaii!

If you can pick football games, she will be your tour guide.

If you can pick football games, she will be your tour guide.

Would you like to win a free $100 gift card to Taco Mac and a Fathead every week of the football season? Would you like two free tickets to the Georgia-Georgia Tech game? How about a $5,000 trip to Hawaii?

Hah! Fat chance, sunshine. The only way you can win any of the above prizes is to pick winners of college football games every week better than me — and that’s so not happening.

But amuse me. The “Sack Schultz” contest, a monumental success in year one, just went on performance-enhancers.

Sure, you get gift cards and a trip to Hawaii. I get a pat on the back. When I make a deadline. Which is seldom.

Here’s how it works. Go to www.ajc.com/go/sack-schultz to register. Registration begins now!

Your table (or stool) is waiting at Taco Mac.

Your table (or stool) is waiting at Taco Mac. (tacomac.com)

Each week, there will be a selection of college football games from across the nation. All you have to do is pick the winners. I will do the same, so you can actually …

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Falcons win, Dogs win and Fox is playing human ‘Frogger’

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Hello, and welcome back to the world of football, or as Tucker Carlson likes to call it, “Nothing But A League of Thugs and Degenerates and Serial Killers Who Should All Should All Be Thrown Into a Vat Of Face-Melting Acid, Like When Jack Napier Turned Into The Joker On Batman. Except For The Short White Kickers, I Like Those Guys.”

If you missed it, Carlson — fighting for relevancy in the growing mutant world of psychotic political commentators — called for the execution of Michael Vick this week for crimes against past Labradors, never mind the 23 months he already spent in prison and the loss of 27 gazillion dollars. I think it pretty much confirms Vick is not on Carlson’s Fantasy League team.

Personally, I believe Carlson should be sentenced to one game of human “Frogger.” That’s the other unbelievably true story this week: a Clemson man (not Dabo Swinney) thought it would be

For final standings, start in upper-left and go clockwise.

For final NFC South standings, start in upper-left and go clockwise.

fun to mimic the video game …

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Predictions: Falcons, Dogs, Jackets win; Rex plays footsie

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And on some Tuesday after Christmas, my bookie gave to me . . .

12 Goodell’s a fining, 11 Shananans a tanking, 11 Kiffins a clucking, 10 Petrinos a oinking, nine more Goodell’s a fining because baby needs a new pair of Porsches!, eight Atlanta Spirit owners a cash calling, seven Favre’s a sexting (five intercepted), six Jenn Sterger careers a flopping (next stop: The Club Bada Bing), five Ohio Staters a tattooing, four Kim Zolciak’s a prowling (step back, Kroy, it’s a trap!), three Roddy Whites a Tweeting, two Beverly Halls a lying and one Rex Ryan foot fetish video but don’t ask me about it because it’s private and that’s why we put it on YouTube.

Not that you needed any more motivation, but ...

Not that you needed any more motivation, but …

(My wife wanted me to do a Christmas rhyme. But after re-reading “Green Eggs and Ham,” I thought: I can’t top this. So you get a run-on-sentence and maybe some socks. Happy happy.)

We head into the final two weeks of Weekend Predictions. Let me just remind all active members of our …

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Weekend Predictions: Falcons win, Saints lose and we dance

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Before we get to startling revelations like the Metrodome’s Hefty Bag roof being unable to hold 27 tons of snow (What Wendy’s is that architect working at now?), and Real Housetwit Kim Zolciak saying she’s writing a relationships book (Scarecrow and Kroy Biermann, meet fire), and Jets strength coach Sal Alosi admitting he asked his henchmen to form an assault line on an NFL sideline while he attempted to maim opponents (Did he and Tonya Harding meet on eHarmony?), we spread some holiday cheer:

Festive strippers!

I love Las Vegas. A friend of mine once described it as the United State on steroids, which is true, and begs the question: Do implants count as performance-enhancing drugs?

Wow. I want to go to the North Pole.

Wow. I want to go to the North Pole.

Anyway, last year one of the keepers of the strippers bought a truck, replaced the sides with Plexiglass, put a stripper pole in the back and created his own little fun house on wheels for marketing purposes while Santa and his Elv-ettes delivered toys. This …

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Sack Me, Part Deux: Win an iPad! (Also, Falcons win)

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Hello. I’m back.

I know, last week I said that I wouldn’t be back. Weekend Predictions usually closes at the end of the college football regular season.

But I wasn’t thinking clearly, possibly the result of esophageal spasms, which should clear up in about 12 months when I get 39 phone calls from athletic directors and NFL owners offering me head coaching jobs, by which time I will have seen enough of my daughter’s volleyball games, and will have memorized every aisle at Publix, and what time Judge Judy comes on TV, and I’ll say yes to all 39 jobs because I’m Urban Meyer and I’m going stir crazy!

No, you can't win this. But ...

No, you can't win this. But …

Thank you for making it the fourth paragraph. Here’s you reward: You can win an iPad.

No. I’m serious. You can win an iPad.

You don’t even have to send me your social security number and your bank routing and checking account numbers to my P.O. Box in Botswana, authorizing me to release 250 gold bullion bars to you. You can win an iPad. See, that’s …

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Weekend Predictions: Cam Newton and Auburn conquer all

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Before this season’s final week of dead, solid, perfect, financial locks — give or take an Alabama meltdown and the forgotten inevitability that Steve Spurrier would make Dabo Swinney look like he had a head full of nougat (what was I thinking picking Clemson last week?) — we have this update from the world of high of finance:

Stanley Ho, a billionaire casino owner in Macau (of course), who clearly has money and nougat to burn, won an action. For a castle? No. A vintage car? No. Video of Brett Favre’s last pass completion? No.

Rather, Stanley Ho, billionaire, just paid $330,000 for two white “truffles,” which is French for, “Fungus found in dirt or sometimes under old chicken lo mein forgotten in the back of fridge and often resembling the facial expression of Nick Saban after blowing a 24-0 lead at home. Roll [Over] Tide!”

Mmmm. Delectable, delicious fungus. Does that come with fries?

Mmmm. Delectable, delicious fungus. Does that come with fries?

So Stanley Ho paid $165,000 each for two pieces of fungus. You know, …

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Weekend Predictions: Dogs win — Auburn, not so much

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Welcome to this week’s titanic showdown between 5-6 Georgia and 6-5 Georgia Tech, who battle for coveted The Governor’s Cup in a year where the Governor-elect is fresh off a Congressional investigation for ethics violations. Of course.

I think Georgia coach Mark Richt put it best when he stated: “It’s great to have a game like this at the end of the season, and in particular at the end of this season, when we haven’t reached some of the goals, or hardly any of our goals.”

And then he threw a pie at Todd Grantham.

But first, this raspberry in the direction of Ohio State president Gordon Gee. He’s a big fan of the BCS. People hear this and they assume Gee reached his position because he’s related to somebody important, sort of like Gummo Marx. Gee states that even if Boise State and TCU go

Think Gordon Gee got stuffed into lockers as a kid?

I'm thinking Gordon Gee got stuffed into a few lockers as a kid.

undefeated, neither deserve to go to the national title game, no way, no how, not even if all other schools lose or get nuked, …

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