Archive for the ‘Weekend Predictions’ Category

Hello and welcome to that special time of year, and I speak of course of when we overindulge on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, potatoes au gratin, Mr. Potato, potato chips and onion dip, creamed corn, that string-bean-mushroom soup-Styrofoam-onion-ring thing that nobody really eats but the dog loves it when you mix it in his kibble, probably something with cheese, rolls (three kinds), margarine (light) and three to seven desserts, after which we fall face down in our plate of Cool Whip remnants and lapse into a tryptophan coma … until we wake up at 3:45 a.m. and scream, “NOOO! I OVERSLEPT! Play-doh goes on sale at Toy Zoo for 39 cents in 15 minutes! Where are my keys!?!” And then you take one step and suddenly there’s a strange jingling sound coming from your stomach.

If you're in this picture, you really need to get a life.

By the way, if you go to Walmart on Black Friday, just don’t tell Paul Johnson, or he might punch you. (Actually, after Johnson …

Continue reading Stuffed Predictions: Dogs over Jackets; LSU and Bama roll »

Legend has it that W.C. Fields was lying in a hospital bed, his organs significantly pickled, when somebody walked in and was astonished to see Fields holding a Bible. When asked why he suddenly had interest in the Bible, Fields responded: “I’m looking for loopholes.”

I’m not sure why this story reminds me of Georgia. Maybe because at 0-2, nothing short of locusts overtaking the rest of the SEC East figured to leave the door open for the Bulldogs. Then came the Stephen Garcia-Marcus Lattimore-John Brantley trifecta of Old Testament plagues and suddenly Mark Richt had a loophole to drive his F-150 through.

W.C. and the Dogs found the loophole.

And now all the Bulldogs have to do is … beat Kentucky? This is sort of like the Allied Forces overrunning Eastern Europe and then being told, “OK. So there’s this nice little coffee and danish stand in Liechtenstein. Take over that, and we’ll declare you the winner.”

Georgia has won eight straight. It’s coming off a 45-7 win over …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: Dogs roll, Falcons win boring (please) »

Hello, and welcome back to another adventure of, “Yeah, I knew that would happen.”

Before getting to this week’s episode, “My Three Ideas To Fix Government: Um, uh … oops,” by Rick Perry, I have great financial news.

This is Weekend Predictions No. 11 for the season. And Friday’s date is 11/11/11. Ooh. Scary.

According to Chinese feng shui — OK, according to a story I saw about a chain letter going around that referenced the date being Chinese feng shui-friendly — calendar dates with repeating “1’s” in it are called “moneybags.” Word is that you need only refer this news to eight friends, assuming none work in State College, to assure yourself of riches, so sayeth, the proverb.

In gambling, this is what we like to refer to as, “A system.” Also bankruptcy.

Rick Perry should start with something easy: The Three Stooges.

My last system blew up. When Georgia started the season 0-2, I applied the, “They’re Toast” system and it didn’t work.  Two months later, the Bulldogs are going …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: Number align for Dogs, Falcons »

Yes. I decided to come back.

Did you lose the bet?

So there I was, sitting by the railroad tracks,  just me and my Pop-Tarts and my Florida-Clemson-Broncos  parlay ticket and some creepy guy who kept staring at my shoes, waiting for me to fall asleep, when it struck me: I was getting too good! Everybody needs a market correction now and then. Me. Wall Street. Everybody who plays running back for Georgia, at least when they’re not sitting in their dorm room, in a cloud of smoke, next to a bong and an open box of Ho Hos, staring at the same fly for like, I dunno, seven hours, wondering what it would be like to be a fly, then trying to catch the fly, giving up after 12 seconds, then napping for, I dunno, another seven hours. (Hey, did I miss class?)

Crowell better hope this isn't his career.

OK, so my strategy sorta went kaboom last week. Sort of like Custer, whose reported famous last words at Little Big Horn were, “Hurrah boys, we’ve got them!” And then he put $100 on …

Continue reading I’ve got guaranteed picks on Alabama-LSU, Dogs, Falcons! (no, seriously) »

Before we get to the SEC East, the Republican primary of college divisions where everybody looks like a 4-4 team with two soundbites, a new tax plan and reservations for the Liberty Bowl, this just in: We’ve officially gone to hell.

With the holiday shopping season just around the corner, Mattel is preparing to launch, “Tokidoki” Tattoo Barbie in the U.S. I am not making this up. She has pink hair, is covered with tattoos around her neck and arms and has another just above her Barbie Buttocks (copyright?) that reads, “Ken” (in a heart).

Mattel has come under criticism but says the doll is targeted at adult collectors, not children, which is why we can also soon expect Wowsa Mondo Implant Barbie, Underground Kim Kardashian Video Barbie (with rapper), Strung Out Lindsay Leg Chains Lohan Barbie, and, a sidekick: the Ha Ha How Does It Feel To Have That Tie Rod Jammed Into Your Forehead Ndamukong Suh Psychotic Ken doll (candy Thorazine in grape and cherry flavors included).

See? …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: Deja vu time (Gators over Dogs) »

What is going on with all of this violence lately? Coaches going after coaches. Coaches going after players who went after coaches. One player even punched another right in the soft part of his zone defense.

A man can’t even go hunting any more without the whole animal kingdom getting upset about it. True story: Some Alaskan moose hunter — and doesn’t every great story start that way? — went out the other day with his musket, hoping to blow off the head of one of nature’s, unarmed creatures, who were just sitting around playing gin-rummy.

Anyway, this guy gets attacked by a grizzly bear, because unbeknownst to the hunter, the Moose, the Grizzlies and the Deer (Wake Forest) have all formed some super alliance and soon plan to announce a conference championship game and a mega-TV deal with ESPN. (That part, I might’ve made up.).

Anyway, the hunter ends up escaping, and I think the grizzly’s head is now on somebody’s wall, and the moral of the story is that the guy with the …

Continue reading Fight predictions: Falcons win, Jackets fall, SEC cowers »

We will commence with this week’s blue chip indicators immediately following Steve Spurrier’s testimony to his superiors regarding the stolen strawberries aboard the U.S.S. Caine. Ssssh. I think he’s losing it …

“Lies! I tried to run the ship properly by the book but they fought me at every turn! They encouraged the crew to go around scoffing at me and spreading wild rumors about steaming in circles! And then old yellow stain! I was to blame for Lt. Merrick’s incompetence and poor seamanship. Lt. Merrick was the perfect officer but not Captain Queeg. Ah, but the strawberries! That’s where I had them! They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist! I … I … I …”

Darth Dawg! (I post this only because I stumbled on a "Dogs in Star Wars costumes" list at BWE.TV).

Come back to us, Steve.

I never really noticed the resemblance between Spurrier and Captain Queeg until …

Continue reading Falcons, Jackets, Dogs win (Lies! Lies, says Spurrier!) »

Dude. My head hurts. Here I am trying to psych myself up for My People’s annual 24-hour, sin-cleansing fast (on a football Saturday!) and Jordan Schafer has totally thrown me for a loop. It’s not about his marijuana arrest but what the police confiscated: three marijuana peanut butter cups.

Half of you emailed me asking if I had a recipe. Like that automatically comes with a California birth certificate. Sorry. Mama only taught me how to make lasagna.

Pot-infused Reeses? This could be the greatest/worstest potential vicious cycle of munchies known to mankind. Buzzed. Eat. Buzzed. Eat. More, more, more. MORE!!! Forget bombs. We should just drop pot-infused Reese’s on suspected Al-Qaeda hideouts. They’d all fall into helium-like, empty-calorie comas (at least after seven hours of the Cartoon Network).

Floating around the web: The Vols' Nike Pro Combat unis.

Which leads me to Georgia-Tennessee. (Transitions take up space.)

Barbara Dooley doesn’t need no wacky tobaccy to …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: Dogs and Falcons are going down »

It has been a difficult week, and I’m not just talking about the Braves’ exit or the fact that Nancy Graceless apparently had some sort of wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Mutants, which brought the world to a standstill, wiped out half the planet’s vegetation and destroyed the good and the innocence that exists inside all of us.

But the really difficult week has been in Flowery Branch, where everybody has been looking at game film and coming to the realization: “Wow. We really stink. Has Nancy ever played left tackle? Because really, she can’t be any worse than Sam Baker, although he might look better in sequins.”

Could Nancy at left tackle be an improvement?

The Falcons are 1-2 so, yeah, they’ve still got 13 games left. But they’ve got problems. When the quarterback seems to call plays better than the offensive coordinator, and too many guys on defense still look at each other with that Scooby Doo, rut-roh gaze in their eyeballs, and linemen aren’t even stopping …

Continue reading Falcons, Dogs, Jackets dance better than Nancy Graceless »

This week's tribute is to R.E.M. It's the end of the world as they know it. (But they feel fine.)

Before more solid-gold projections — and after going 12-0 last week and 10-2 against the spread, I believe you owe me a bow, if not a Pop-Tart — this week’s big news comes from the University of Haifa (which by the way shows no signs of joining the University of Baghdad, Teheran Tech and Kabul State in major global realignment).

Actual factual: Scientists have determined that marijuana blocks the development of post-traumatic stress disorder. They reached this conclusion by somehow stressing out laboratory rats and then, I guess, had them pass around a really small bong. Dr. Irit Akiray said that marijuana “did not erase the experience of the trauma, but it prevented the development of post-trauma symptoms in the rat model.”

Loser of the Post Traumatic Stress Bowl gets a chocolate cake!

The only problems that developed during the experiments were rats kept escaping the lab to run …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: Richt over Nutt in the Stress Bowl »