Archive for the ‘Weekend Predictions’ Category

Predictions: Dogs over Darth Rooster, Falcons over Skins

chalkboard

Before getting to this week’s big game between Georgia and the S.S. Columbia, captained by Coach Queeg, we have some news related to roosters: It’s World Farm Animals Week!

I checked PETA’s website, and fortunately they did not mandate that all SEC schools with animal mascots change their names to something more acceptable, like to the Fighting Whole Grain Muffins, but it did commemorate this event with a blog that read in part: “By the end of the day, 104,273 cows, 297,392 pigs, 702,383 turkeys, and 21,261,534 chickens will have been killed in the U.S. to satisfy an old eating habit.”

"Bread. Milk. Overthrow Lichteinstein."

"Bread. Milk. Overthrow Liechtenstein."

And I know what you heathens are thinking: Does that come with fries? Because I’m pretty sure if cows, pigs, turkeys and chickens were sitting at the top of the food chain instead of on the right side of the menu, they would pull into a “Bones” (same name) and ask: “Does the Spurrier chops come with a side? Actually, never mind. They had a weird bitter …

Continue reading Predictions: Dogs over Darth Rooster, Falcons over Skins »

Predictions: No bagels, but Dogs win, Jackets don’t collapse

board

Having just completed my annual day of Jewish repentance — 24 hours usually isn’t enough, so I tend to just focus on the top seven or eight sins — I was surprised to see a headline on the London Daily Mail website about, “Bagel Heads” taking over Japan. And I’m thinking, OK, I break my fast with bagels every year. I can see the Japanese liking bagels. Everybody likes bagels.

(The real bagels, not the press board at Kroger. There are two things that never should be considered acceptable: replacement bagels and replacement NFL officials. I swear, if Roger Goodell ever got on stage and said, “I think these replacement bagels are getting the job done,” he’d have 7,000 rabbis jump him and make him scream, “Onion! Sesame! Poppy!” within seven seconds.)

Where was I? Right, “Bagel Heads.”

Oy. Really? (via natgeotv.com)

Oy. Really? (via natgeotv.com)

So it turns out this actually is a “fashion trend” in Japan. I wish I was making this up: Misguided youth are having saline injected into their forehead, after which …

Continue reading Predictions: No bagels, but Dogs win, Jackets don’t collapse »

Predictions: Dogs win cage match, Falcons upset Chargers

chalk 003

We here at Weekend Predictions, Career Counseling Services and Psychological Services reached the conclusion long ago that all coaches eventually snap.

We’re not sure why this is. It probably has something to do with the 22-hour, Red Bull-fueled work days and going home, only to have the dog tinkle on your shoe and the 5-year-old ask, “Are you my daddy?” and then having a game plan spontaneously combust when the opening kickoff bounces off his top draft pick’s head.

Or the starting running back deciding to get his Magic City on and drive home at warp speed. Hypothetically speaking.

Last week, USC coach Lane Kiffin went bat crazy. He tried to ban a reporter from practice for reporting that a kicker had knee surgery, but was overruled by the Politburo. This week he ended a news conference after 28 seconds because he didn’t like a question, which guarantees he’ll be asked that same question again because if there’s one thing the media likes, it’s knowing that a news conference …

Continue reading Predictions: Dogs win cage match, Falcons upset Chargers »

Predictions: Falcons over No. 666, Tech wins, Pigs faceplant

week3 001

Welcome back for another week of almost-flawless investment advice. We’re off to a decent start here: 17-5 overall, 14-8 against the spread and 12-0 in the games I was really serious about. The “Sack Schultz 2012″ contest is not playing out as well. I went 8-7 last week, which puts me in 319th place, or right on track to win the trip to … Kabul.

If things don’t improve, I may have to reassess my marketing leverage and join the ACC (at least in softball and lacrosse).

And speaking of numbers:

OMG -- the Denver school people are right!

OMG — the Denver school people are right!

The Falcons face Beelzebub this week. No, not Bobby Petrino — Peyton Manning. Yes, Manning is pure evil. Or at least his jersey number is. The Greeley-Evans (Colo.) school district has barred kids from wearing Manning jerseys because he’s No. 18, and there’s concern that he has ties to the “18th Street” gang, or maybe because 666 (The Number of the Beast!) adds up to 18, or maybe because every single member of the Greeley-Evans School District is …

Continue reading Predictions: Falcons over No. 666, Tech wins, Pigs faceplant »

Predictions: Dogs, Falcons win, ‘Sack’ video update

week2 003

Before getting to this week’s investment advice, we have an important announcement from Weekend Predictions Storm Central: About 16,000 dead rats, and I’m not sure who actually counted, have washed up on the Mississippi coast since Hurricane Isaac. Officials are withholding names of the rodents until next-of-kin can be notified, although it’s believed none yet have been identified as Jackie Sherrill.

Two from UGA's recruiting class.

Two from UGA’s recruiting class.

Mississippi officials assured all that dead, smelly rats on the beach posed no health risk — I am not making this up — but decided to clean them up anyway because they thought the atmosphere at their “Cruisin’ The Coast” event in October might be slightly marred by the carcasses. Now THAT’S thinking ahead! Unlike Sheldon Richardson. (Aspiring writers: This is a transition.)

Richardson did about the dumbest thing a Missouri player could do before the school’s first SEC game. He said he watched some of Georgia’s game on TV last week but turned it …

Continue reading Predictions: Dogs, Falcons win, ‘Sack’ video update »

Weekend Predictions: Dogs yes, Jackets no, Hawaii (duh)

picks 007

(Updated)

Because Jim Donnan needs a little investment advice (and possibly a mallet to the head), because we’re either in the midst of economic recovery or one hiccup away from all sweeping streets in a Habitrail (depending on political affiliation, or whether Donnan has you on speed dial), and because Bobby Petrino was kind enough to give me another full season’s worth of material (”Watch me cry. Where’s camera 2?”) . . .

Hello. I am back.

Don’t worry. Your money is safe here. We rely neither on Jim Donnan’s economic indicators nor Todd Akin’s wealth of knowledge about the human anatomy  (”Two Pop Tarts before sex is a proven contraception method, and if you forget you can still do the Royal Zulu Dance to prevent pregnancy. Hey, where’d everybody go?”)

Jim Donnan carries his imaginary pot of gold.

Jim Donnan carries his imaginary pot of gold.

Weekend Predictions returns every year because we have a proven method of success. We don’t do market research. We don’t care about tendencies. Actually, we try to avoid facts all …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: Dogs yes, Jackets no, Hawaii (duh) »

Sack Schultz 2012: Hawaii, tickets, gift cards–I want it all!

Win nationally, and you're in this hammock.

Win nationally, and you're in this hammock.

In the first two years of the “Sack Schultz” contest, I deluded you, the reader, into believing that you could pick college football winners as expertly as me.

Hah! It was a trick. Finishing 1,177th out of 6,978 entries last season was all part of a master plan into making you think that my secret system for picking winners was something as pedestrian as, “Eenie, Meenie, Miny, Moe,” when in fact it’s, “Eenie, Meenie, Jelly, Beanie,” something far more spiritual (kids: Google “Bullwinkle”).

But this year, I’m serious. There’s too much at stake. It’s why I’m also going to

Win among local entries and you get tickets to this game. (Johnny Crawford/AJC)

Win among local entries, you'll get tickets to this game. (Johnny Crawford)

enter my dog, Lilly, in the contest as a backup plan, just to see if she can pick winners any better than me. (Her method of selection will be forthcoming.)

Let me start with the whopper prize: If you can pick winners better than me (and everybody else) among national entries, you will win a …

Continue reading Sack Schultz 2012: Hawaii, tickets, gift cards–I want it all! »

Weekend (Bowl) Predictions: Dogs, Jackets, Alabama win

pix 002

Hello. I am back.

Weekend Predictions, which like college football has no playoff system and often makes no sense, one difference being our advisory board has the built-in excuse of the shiitake’s mutant and illegal cousin, traditionally returns for one bowl edition.

It has been another profitable season. W.P. Inc. is 26 games above .500 against the line. But of course all I get are no tips, no thank-you notes, just emails that read, “Ya moron! Ya picked the Gators to beat the Dawgs! Coach Richt is going to smite your liberal West Coast beehind! Hey Marge, I got him good. Pop-Tarts ready yet?”

OK, let’s make this quick. Too many games to get to.

Georgia has had a good week. There has been no news of academic suspensions — fill in name of oft-speculated freshman running back — and I think the Dogs already have clinched the 2012 SEC East title, given Alabama has been dropped from the Hostess-wrapped schedule.

Here’s a nice consolation prize for having their limbs ripped off by …

Continue reading Weekend (Bowl) Predictions: Dogs, Jackets, Alabama win »

Weekend Predictions (will return after commercial messages)

off 002

Good morning. David Stern voided Weekend Predictions.

Seriously, it’s common for my staff of researchers — cough, cough — to close it down after the college football regular season. But we’ll return for a special bowl edition of Predictions in a couple of weeks.

Also wanted to mention that the national grand prize winner for the “Sack Schultz” contest was Atlanta’s Randy Miller (contest code name: Atlviper). Randy won a $5,000 trip to Hawaii, which I will be holding for him for $1,000 ransom.

Randy went 169-41 in 14 weeks. We had 10 other contestants with 168 wins. I finished with 157 wins, which placed me 1,177th place out of roughly 7,000 entries, which was as high as the AJC would permit me to finish.

More importantly, I’m kicking butt in Weekend Predictions and I’m absolutely destroying Zach Klein and Mark Bradley in Pro Football Challenge (which you’ll find in every Sunday AJC).

So who needs a trip to Hawaii?

OK. I do. Or did.

Congrats, Randy.

By Jeff …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions (will return after commercial messages) »

Weekend Predictions: LSU over Georgia, and BCS ducks

14

So let me see if I’ve got this straight.

If LSU beats Georgia, LSU and Alabama will play for the BCS title. Simple. Unless some anti-SEC sentiment leads voters to match LSU against Oklahoma State (and everyone suddenly gets amnesia about the Iowa State game).

But this doesn’t preclude the possibility that LSU may play Oklahoma State in the BCS game even if Georgia upsets LSU. Why? Because at least one SEC school will go, and Nick Saban getting snubbed is funnier, and if you dare put both LSU and Alabama in the BCS final when neither even won its conference, you’ll have red noses and exploding clown feet falling from the sky (thank you, Larry), and even the BCS has its limit when it comes to humiliation. I think.

So really, what Saturday’s SEC championship comes down to is this: Barring some complete, multi-touchdown, oh jeez, Curly-just-dropped-the-TNT-powder-in-the-pancake-batter-again-collapse by LSU against the Bulldogs in the Georgia Dome, the Tigers are really only …

Continue reading Weekend Predictions: LSU over Georgia, and BCS ducks »