Before we get to this week’s big question — will Georgia be caught looking ahead to the SEC Championship game, the BCS title game, world domination, next year’s rankings, global peace, contact with an alien life form and a voice from a burning bush somehow lose to Georgia Tech — let’s get to what really matters.
The continuing devolution of mankind. I speak, of course, of Black Friday.
Once we’ve finished our annual Thursday tradition of consuming four helpings of turkey, three pieces of ham, 17 side dishes, six rolls (or was it seven?), three desserts and a Diet Coke and lapsing into a food coma, we’ll segue into Shopping on Steroids. Black Friday is that wonderful time when we rise at 3 a.m. after four hours of sleep to save $40 on a laptop, $6 on a sweatshirt and 27 cents on Play-Doh.
We’ll be overcome by feelings of a tremendous conquest, until the following week when these same items are on sale for the same price, only without the 400-pound, fire-breathing woman who elbowed you in the head the week before as she reached for the $12 Crock-Pot.
The first Black Friday came following the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in 1924, when Santa Claus finished waving to little children, complained of a sore rump and a headache and said, “That wasn’t worth 50 bucks. Where’s my scotch?”
Stay in bed. I’ll generate riches for you so you can afford things full retail!
I’ll make this quick: Georgia is better than Georgia Tech at every single position. The Bulldogs have the added advantage of not having had to fire their defensive coordinator or seeing their athletic director quit for another job. Does Tech have a chance? Of course. Weird things happen in rivalry games. But I’ll side with facts: Better players, more at stake, home field.
It’s Red-and-Black Saturday: Dogs win and cover 13.
Sack Schultz Predictions: upset, Upset, UPSET!
Black Friday Hysteria! (Highlight: Woman who loses her wig)
And Down The Stretch They Come!
(Buy two picks, win of a copy of Maryland’s 10-point guide to financial freedom. Chapter 1: Blow all of your funding. Chapter 2: Join the Big Ten. Chapter 3: Whatever.)
Florida at FSU: The Gators have looked crummy the past few weeks. Will Muschamp’s retort: “We don’t win sexy, but my wife said, ‘You’re sexy.’” Show up in Tallahassee with leopard-skin briefs and a silk robe and just watch what Chief Osceola does with that flaming spear. However: Upset alert! Florida wins (but take the 8 just in case).
Auburn at Alabama: Nick Saban on Gene Chizik: “I personally think he’s done a really fine job.” Think of a fisherman praising the dead flounder in his boat. Bammy covers 31½.
LSU at Arkansas: Three future 7-Eleven night managers have recorded a song, pleading Jon Gruden to take the Arkansas job. The “Hey Grude” (sung to “Hey Jude”) video went viral — kind of like smallpox. Gruden hasn’t responded. He’s hoping Chernobyl comes through with a better benefits package. Tigers cover 12.
Three non-MBA’s from Arkansas
South Carolina at Clemson: Steve Spurrier has a chance to become South Carolina’s all-time winningest coach. I think that’s like holding the Double-A career hits record. (Bang! And here comes the email.) Clemson covers 4.
Help Wanted Bowl: Kentucky and Tennessee meet in the annual “Battle for the Barrel. But with two fired coaches and 14 SEC losses between them, UT might need a lure to get students to show up, like free sandwiches. Or tuition. Vols cover 13.
Miami at Duke: The NCAA sent semi-threatening letters to former Miami players, demanding evidence against infamous rich creep Nevin Shapiro. If the NCAA just throws a party on a yacht instead, I’m sure all of the players would show up. Canes cover 6½.
Maryland at North Carolina: Question: When Maryland cut a deal with the Big Ten, did school administrators have to dress up as, you know, like naughty nurses or something? Or was everybody just cool with the cash being left on the nightstand? Heels cover 24½.
Welcome to the Maryland School of Bidness
Falcons at Tampa Bay: Matt Ryan threw five interceptions last week. Hey, maybe he just wanted to get it out of his system before the playoffs. (Sorry. Can’t help myself.) Falcons cover 1.
Packers at Giants: Jermichael Finley on Aaron Rodgers: “If I could throw myself the ball and run under it, I’d do it every play because he’s just not throwing me the ball like he used to.” Smart. He might want to bring a book this week. Giants cover 2½.
49ers at Saints: Paul Tagliabue says he’ll rule on the Saints’ bounty penalties by Dec. 4. So don’t be surprised if Jonathan Vilma jumps bail after the Falcons’ game in two weeks and hides in your bushes. San Fran covers 2.
Bounty Hearings=Disorder In The Court
TIME TO SETTLE UP
“Eat your betting money but don’t bet your eating money.” – Proverb.
Last week (feh): 9-2 straight up, 6-5 against the line.
Bottom dollars (fab): 100-34 straight up, 78-55-1 against the line.
“Sack Schultz” update: Congrats to Richard Schoenfeld of Duluth for winning the UGA-Tech tickets, Chick-fil-A Bowl tickets and a one night stay at Hotel Indigo in Athens. The $5,000 trip to Hawaii will be decided in two weeks.
Lilly Pick of the Week: Lilly is on a four-game winning streak since her one-week furlough. This week, it was a choice between cheese-accessorized pictures of Uga and Buzz. She went with her species. Dogs win.
By Jeff Schultz