According to legend, and also Wikipedia, my two favorite sources when I have other things to do, the expression, “Eureka!” dates to the Greek scholar Archimedes, who noticed that when he stepped into a bathtub the water level rose and he exclaimed, “Eureka!” because, I dunno, “Wow,” just didn’t sound scholarly. Archimedes then continued this research into volume by seeing what would happen if he sat in a hot tub with five co-eds from Palermo State, but that didn’t work out so good, he lost his grant and now can be found teaching sociology at junior college in Poughkeepsie.
So last week, Georgia punched Florida in the mouth, and I’m certain I heard Mark Richt exclaim, “Eureka! No more Mr. Nice Guy!” See, because I’m sure the Bulldogs played tough because they were angry at being called “soft” by teammate Shawn Williams.
So coddling days are over. This week Richt called in appropriate inspirational speakers to address his players:
Oz: “You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of collagenous junk!”
Lucky Day (Three Amigos): “You sons of a Motherless Goat.”
Alexandra (Witches of Eastwick): “You’re physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell.”
Groucho Marx: “Now there’s a man with an open mind. You can feel the breeze from here.”
Nino (New Jack City): “Sit your $5 (butt) down before I make change.”
Principal (Billy Madison): “At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.”
Cyril Bench (Vertical Limit): “100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?”
French Soldier (Monty Python and the Holy Grail): “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”
There. That should do it.
The SEC East title gets a little closer. Georgia covers 14 against Mississippi.
Sack Schultz video update (with special guest Steve Spurrier)
This never gets old
Getting some requests for this also, so …
Georgia Tech at Maryland: Last man out, don’t forget to turn out the light. Dan Radakovich left two days after the Jackets couldn’t score an offensive touchdown against BYU. Coincidence? OK, maybe. But if they can’t beat a Maryland team down to its No. 5 quarterback (a converted linebacker), Paul Johnson may be sitting alone in the dark. Jackets cover 7½.
Old Dominion at Georgia State: The Panthers kicked off a player, Isaiah Howard, who had ripped athletic director Cheryl Levick on Twitter. Fortunately, Howard already had an offer from Mensa. Old Dominion by two touchdowns.
Alabama at LSU: Alabama has won eight games by an average score of 41-8. A.J. McCarron: 18 TDs, 0 interceptions. So oddsmaker R.J. Bell of Pregame.com decided to set odds on how the
Tide would do against the worst NFL team. Pointspread: Jacksonville would be favored by 24. Question: Has he seen Mike Mularkey call plays? Bama covers 9½.
Missouri at Florida: Missouri commemorated its first SEC win like it was a moon landing. The T-shirt reads, “Oct. 27, 2012, Columbia, Mo: Caged the Cats!” Would’ve gone over better if it wasn’t Kentucky. Mizzou took so much flak that the shirt is off the market. But Kentucky is selling shirts that read, “Somebody made a shirt about us.” Gators cover 17.
Texas A&M at Mississippi State: Texas A&M didn’t make a T-shirt to commemorate its 63-21 win over Auburn last week. But I think somebody came home with Gene Chizik’s shorts. Aggies cover 6½.
MAPQUESTING BOURBON ST.
America’s Meltdown at Falcons: The Falcons (7-0) probably aren’t a threat to the ‘72 Dolphins. Tony Romo (13 interceptions) probably isn’t a threat to George Blanda (season-record 42). But I’m starting to wonder about both. Dallas has one win in the last four and that came over Carolina, which doesn’t really count. Make that 8-0: Falcons cover 4.
Eagles at Saints: Suspended linebacker Jonathan Vilma and assistant coach Joe Vitt returned to the Saints last week and the team lost 34-14 to Denver. This is what it looked like when Custer rallied his troops. Take the 3 — and Eagles in a straight upset.
Broncos at Bengals: Points to ex-Techie Demaryius
Thomas, who dressed as an NFL replacement official on Halloween. Wonder if Roger Goodell dressed up as a visionary? Denver covers 3½.
Steelers at Giants: This game is expected to go on despite the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Steelers fans are upset because Troy Polamalu is out again. Somehow, I don’t sense the same level of compassion. New York covers 3½.
Panthers at Redskins: DeAngelo Hall last week went cuckoo on a referee, got hit with two unsportsmanlike-conduct penalties, was ejected from the game and generally looked like the same overrated, petulant phoney we’ve come to mock. But hey, for $55 million, he puts on a show! Skins win, but take Carolina and 3½.
D-Hall continuing to make friends
TIME TO SETTLE UP
“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: Go there with a large one.” — Jack Yelton
Last week: 8-4 straight up, 8-4 against the line.
Where’s my commission? 79-23 straight up, 59-41-2 against the line.
Lilly Pick of the Week: The pup did something I didn’t last week: She picked Georgia. Evened her record at 4-4. This week, it was Alabama or LSU. Winner of the Cookie Chase: Alabama.
By Jeff Schultz