Before getting to this week’s big game — Florida vs. The Indecipherable Dogs of Athens — a world news update: Police in northern England tasered a 61-year-old blind man the other day after — and I’m not making this up — they mistook his white cane for a Samurai sword. Fortunately, the man, Colin Farmer, seems OK after being hit with 50,000 volts of electricity and handcuffed by England’s finest nincompoops, although he may own half the United Kingdom and be knighted before the next attorney knocks on his door.
The po-po chief, Stuart Williams, said, “It became apparent that this man was not the person we were looking for, and officers attended to him straight away. Lancashire Constabulary deeply regrets what has happened.” And then he excused himself for his new job — walking behind elephants.
He said police were responding to reports of a man walking around with a sword. Of course. So their intentions were honorable.
Hey, Shawn Williams can relate. When he called Georgia’s defense “soft” the other day, half of the team’s Budweiser-infused fan base probably agreed with him. At least Williams didn’t taser anybody. But mandating lineup changes usually gets you duct-taped to the goal post.
This is the Georgia team that’s going to pull together and beat Florida?
Let’s look at this. The defense has played well in one full game this season — Vanderbilt, and Vanderbilt almost never counts. Special teams are a mess. The offense line: feh. After losing to South Carolina and getting a week off to hit the reset button and then work themselves into frenzy for Kentucky, they barely won.
Over Kentucky. Which lost to Arkansas. The week before. 49-7.
Now you factor in that the Gators are pretty good and getting better every week. They’ve actually beaten ranked teams. Georgia’s record against ranked opponents since 2009: 3-11 (two wins over Georgia Tech, one over Cam-less Auburn last year).
Not saying the Dogs can’t do it. Just saying they won’t do it. Tired of waiting. Tired of assuming. Only because of Aaron Murray do I declare: Take the 6½ points.
But the scoreboard says: Gators.
How is Mississippi State like Universal studios? Click “play”. . .
BYU at Georgia Tech: Welcome to Football Anonymous. The Jackets not only are playing home games before 20,000 empty seats, but they just returned more tickets from their 8,000-seat allotment for the Georgia game (1,900) than Georgia Southern did (1,400). Maybe instead of firing Al Groh, Paul Johnson should’ve just put him in a dunk tank in the concession area for marketing purposes. Jackets cover 2½.
Mississippi State at Alabama: Mississippi State has wins over all Seven Dwarfs: Jackson State, Auburn, Troy, South Alabama, Kentucky, Tennessee, Middle Tennessee State. Wait, did I forget Sneezy? Well, here’s their three-part reality check: Alabama, Texas A&M and LSU in the next three weeks. Bammy covers 24.
Tennessee at Pompeii: Steve Spurrier talked smack at 6-0. Now he’s spitting out teeth. Set your watches, because after South Carolina beats up on Tennessee, Arkansas and Wofford, the “The schedule-makers are out to get us” whines are going to kick into overdrive. Roosters cover 14.
Kentucky at Missouri: Missouri’s director of video operations used his athletic department credit card to charge a $7,600 bill at a Las Vegas strip club. I don’t know what the big deal is. The Tigers are 0-4 in the SEC. They clearly need athletes. The Boom Boom Lounge covers 13½.
Ole Miss at Arkansas: Bobby Petrino is back, sorta. He’s the most popular Halloween costume in Arkansas. Post-motorcycle faceplant, of course, complete with neck brace, bloody face and several souls falling out of his back pocket. On a related note, John L. Smith is dressing up as a coach. Piggies win, but take Ole Miss and 5½.
Duke at Florida State: Duke is bowl-eligible before Oklahoma, Stanford, West Virginia, Texas A&M, Michigan and Texas. David Cutcliffe should push for his raise now because he might lose the next four (FSU, Clemson, Georgia Tech, Miami). Seminoles cover 27½.
Missouri video guy goes on a recruiting trip
ROGER GOODELL AND LESS-IMPORTANT PEOPLE
Falcons at Eagles: Michael Vick has 28 interceptions, 30 fumbles and 74 sacks since 2010. In his only start against the Falcons last year, he had an interception and three fumbles (two lost) and left with a concussion. At some point, Ripley’s hopes to have a display of Vick’s thumbs, right next to the three-headed goat and the box score from Charlie Weiss’ last win. Take the 2½, but Falcons win straight up.
Saints at Broncos: The Saints have won a probation-record two straight. Back to your corner: Broncos cover 6.
Panthers at Bears: Not a huge Brian Billick fan, but I think he’s onto something with this analysis of Cam Newton: “He’s not only pouting because they’re 1-5, I think he also realizes he’s not the prettiest girl in the room anymore.” Another blemish: Bears cover 8.
Giants at Cowboys: As the season gets longer, the Cowboys get funnier. Giants cover 1.
Dolphins at Jets: The Jets reportedly will try to trade Tim Tebow before the Oct. 30 deadline. Hey, Ohio State needs a backup. Jets cover 2.
Jets sent Tim Tebow’s highlight tape to other teams
TIME TO SETTLE UP
“Luck sometimes visits a fool, but it never sits down with him.” — Proverb
Last week (kiss the king): 12-0 straight up, 8-4 against the line.
So far, so awesome: 71-19 straight up, 51-37-2 against the line.
Lilly Pick of the Week: After being furloughed for a week, the puppy returns with a 3-4 record. Her weekly cookie choice: Dogs vs. Gators. She couldn’t go against her species: Georgia.