Weekend Predictions: Bulldogs, Jackets rise from dead

chalk8

Before getting to this week’s expected resurrection, I felt the need to do some research on raising the dead. See, a year ago, Georgia lost its first two games of the season and was declared kaputski, only to win its next 10 games, thereby saving the season, the head coach and all hope for those who embrace the idea of bringing a corpse back to life, particularly in an election year. (”How much for that Lincoln or FDR on the top shelf? Can I at least get a discount on Andrew Jackson with a Kroger Plus Card?)

So here we are again, with the Bulldogs having flat-lined in South Carolina. This prompted some research on what it would take to raise the dead. (Street term: black magic, potions or campaign speeches). This is what I found on SpellsOfMagic.com. (Back off. I’m a journalist.):

This is a job for Dr. Frankstein (pronounced: franken-STEEN).

It's a job for Dr. Frankenstein (pronounced: franken-SHTEEN).

This spell will raise the dead and make them immortal . Don’t use this spell no matter what resion[sic]. There is consequences. NOTE this will not work if the person was a vampire, the body was burnt, they are pure of heart, you love them.
• 1. berry[sic] the fang
(Presumably, a fang from a late Uga or a Willie Martinez bicuspid would work.)
• 2. place skin on the grave

(Pork rinds?)
3. write their name in blood, full name
4. evenly space the candles, 1 per person, btw you count as a person
5. light candles clock wise, one after the other
6. hold clothing in your hand, then chant: “adeo mihi proficiscor vos solvo, alive undead vos vadum exsisto imbibo, cruor quod erant fang, imbibo mihi mote is exsisto.” (Translation: Dear God: If Steve Spurrier wins the East, I’m moving to Bolivia.)
7. wait till full moon then go back alone
Warning you may die.

Wait. What was that last one?

Forget it. It’s Kentucky. I’ll let this happen organically.

I don’t know how good Georgia is after the South Carolina game. But I know how bad Kentucky is. The Mildcats are 1-6. They lost to Arkansas 49-7. They have lost their last four games by a combined 152-38. Good luck raising Joker Phillips from the dead.

Not sure what this means for Florida, but this week the Dogs are alive. They win and cover 27½.

The critics rave: “Must-see video of the year! I laughed, I cried.”

FABER COLLEGE

(Where Knowledge Is Good)

Birds and Bees: Paul Johnson said of his team’s defensive scheme, “We don’t need 80 calls,” a nice backhand at the brain-straining Al Groh, who was sling-shotted last week. Kinda makes sense really. Johnson’s offense has, like, what, four plays? Jackets cover 14 against B.C. Eagles.

South Carolina at Florida: The Gamecocks looked three seconds slower, two feet shorter and 70 pounds lighter at LSU than they did at home against Georgia. Well, except for defensive tackle Kelcy Quarles, who slugged an LSU player when he was on the ground, prompting this comment from Spurrier: “I guess you’d call it a punch — I’ve seen a lot bigger punches.” He just dropped another notch on the food chain. Say hello to your statue in Gainesville, Steve. And goodbye to the SEC East: Gators cover 3.

Here’s what Spurrier considered minor

Villanova at Georgia State: The Panthers conquered the state of Rhode Island, their first win of the season, and now move on to more significant territory: Fulton County. It’s Homecoming. You know, the road wasn’t so bad. Villanova covers two TDs.

This is a caption (via @cr529 on Twitter)

So much for inspirational messages. (Via @cr529 on Twitter)

Alabama at Tennessee: There’s a famous zillion-pound rock on the Tennessee campus that’s frequently painted with messages. Earlier this week, messages included: “Derek Dooley Fan Club” followed by logos of SEC opponents. Ouch. By the way, if you move the rock, you’ll probably find Bobby Petrino underneath. Tides covers 20.5

Auburn at Vanderbilt: Gene Chizik is now 27-53 in his Auburn/Iowa State coaching career without Cam Newton (including 9-27 in conference games). On a related note, there’s something wrong with his plane ticket to Nashville. It says, “Coach.” Vandy covers 7.

Chizik has a new idea to convert fans

Spumoni! Spumoni!

LSU at Texas A&M: The Aggies beat Louisiana Tech 59-57 last week. I’m not sure what sport that was but unfortunately they’re going to have to play football this week. Tigers cover 3½.

Florida State at Miami: The Hurricanes will have 40 members of the 1987 national championship team at the game. Twenty-five years from now, the 2012 team will be honored in the parking lot of a Shoney’s. Seminoles cover 20½.

NFL SNACK PACK

(Buy any two games, receive a free copy of Michael Vick’s buyout clause.)

Saints at Bucs: Jonathan Vilma says he will play while his suspension is legal limbo. No worries. He has been working out with Jeff Gillooly. Saints cover 3.

Packers at Rams: The Packers lost three of five, then rolled for six touchdowns at Houston. I’m sensing a market correction. Cheese covers 5½.

• Redskins at Giants: If the playoffs opened today, the Falcons would get a first-round bye and then probably face the New York Giants. Feeling confident? Giants cover 6½.

• Cowboys at Panthers: Jerry Jones has a Taj Mahal for a stadium but a Walmart dinette set for a team. Nonetheless: Dallas covers 2.

VISITING THE CASHIER’S WINDOW

But first, pick a number between 1 and 10

Last week: 9-3 straight up, 5-7 against the line.

Through 7 laps: 59-19 straight up, 43-33-2 against the line.

Lock the Week: Deadbolt.

Lilly Pick of the Week: Lilly was furloughed this week after picking South Carolina over LSU and falling to 3-4. She has filed a grievance with the union.

By Jeff Schultz

93 comments Add your comment

gatorphil

October 18th, 2012
12:23 pm

even with a losing record last week, your picks against the spread is impressive. do you know a reputable bookie?

Steve Nash's Pick and Roll

October 18th, 2012
12:27 pm

I think my GSU boys will surprise you this wknd Jeff. Nova is going down!

Buzzed

October 18th, 2012
12:27 pm

Class act by SC player. Same with Spurrier. First.

Black Coffee & Bourbon

October 18th, 2012
12:27 pm

LOL at the comment about the 2012 ‘Canes being honored in the parking lot of a Shoney’s. Go Noles!

Buzzed

October 18th, 2012
12:28 pm

Hanky Panky

October 18th, 2012
12:33 pm

Eli da truth

October 18th, 2012
12:42 pm

THe dawgs will take out thier aggression on UK but really need to save it for Florida. Truth

Day Old Fries

October 18th, 2012
12:45 pm

Love Me Sexy.

Roll Dawg Roll!

October 18th, 2012
12:48 pm

So Jeff, you went with all the favorites huh? Georgia NEVER covers the spread, except for Vandy. I am sure we will find a way to keep the Wildcats in this one. Bama won’t cover against TN. Panthers coming off bye and at home AND Cecil’s pep talk with his son….Carolina wins. The rest are good Jeff!

Paddy

October 18th, 2012
12:52 pm

Steve Nash………after beating ODU last week, Villanova will only play the scout team Sat. and still cover!

THE Dixie Redcoat Band

October 18th, 2012
12:58 pm

We doubt UGA can beat UK by 27 points, or anybody else.

DawgNole

October 18th, 2012
12:59 pm

FSU not likely to cover 20 vs Miami on the road. That game is a struggle more often than not, and it’s a season-saver for the Canes at this point.

Dennis

October 18th, 2012
1:03 pm

All of the UGA plans align with a UF win over SC and an UGA win next week over UF. But this is 2012 not 2011 and things will be different. UGA will then lose to Ole Miss by 2 and the rivers will run red with all of the bridge jumping.

Howard

October 18th, 2012
1:06 pm

Jeff…when Gene Chizik is axed at Auburn answer me this…which man will be back in coaching sooner–him or Bobby Petrino? Why the hell did Auburn ever hire that guy?? Chizik was very mediocre at Iowa State for crying out loud! I will say one thing…Cam Newton was worth every cent Auburn paid for him.

SIX and O Falcons

October 18th, 2012
1:08 pm

Rise Up “`

Red Stick

October 18th, 2012
1:08 pm

The Gators are catching the Gamecocks at a fortunate time after the physical game with LSU. SC has numerous players banged up including Lattimore and Clowney. UF covers.

I think UGA, Bama and LSU cover as well.

FSU and Tech win but don’t cover.

I think Auburn beats Vandy.

Geaux Tigers

dick whiskey

October 18th, 2012
1:10 pm

jeff,liked the dig at derek dooley,his daddy told him not to get into coaching(he should have listened) and the cocks come back this week UF is overated

DawginLex

October 18th, 2012
1:15 pm

A&M and Johnny Football gonna give LSU a fit. That game is at 11 am CST at A&M.

If we don’t cover=dissappointment

I had SC winning all week and I’m not changing my mind. 20-17 SC

Verdawg

October 18th, 2012
1:26 pm

Jeff – did you notice that Quarles wasn’t the only SC player to throw a punch on that play? Looked like more of a haymaker against the ball carrier!

TheBabe

October 18th, 2012
1:27 pm

SC is overrated. FL wins and covers big time.

bali

October 18th, 2012
1:28 pm

lilly…..lilly……….come on girl just one more pick

Paul in NH

October 18th, 2012
1:28 pm

UGA covers
Last time GT lost to a religiously-affiliated school Matt Ryan was the opposing QB – GT wins by 10
Alabama big over UT
Florida by 6 over USC
LSU & FSU cover; Vandy wins
Real over Vigo
Barca ties with Deportivo La Coruna – Messi is worn out from playing for Argentina in WCQ
Chelsea ties Spurs

gtt

October 18th, 2012
1:35 pm

some sense

October 18th, 2012
1:39 pm

FRAHNKENSHTEEN, Jeff.

cb

October 18th, 2012
1:39 pm

Dang – Spurrier really irked you bad with the whole Ron Morris thing. You journalists sure know how to hold a grudge.

StingerSplash

October 18th, 2012
1:40 pm

So you’re saying your house is a guild shop, Jeff? Careful not to mess with Lilly’s overtime, or vacation, for that matter.

DONNAN OF A NEW ERA

October 18th, 2012
1:57 pm

“Gene Chizik is now 27-53 in his Auburn/Iowa State coaching career without Cam Newton ”

Gene Chizik – 1 national championship

CMR – ZERO

Hate on the man all you want but it won’t change the fact that GA sports are a laughing stock to the rest of the country. In fact, Atlanta was voted worst sports town.

OUCH!

Mask of False Bravado

October 18th, 2012
1:58 pm

….but what everybody REALLY wants to know is….Lynx or Fever???

DONNAN OF A NEW ERA

October 18th, 2012
1:59 pm

“when Gene Chizik is axed at Auburn answer me this…which man will be back in coaching sooner–him or Bobby Petrino?”

What is it with people in GA and utter stupidity?

Teacher, Too

October 18th, 2012
2:08 pm

Happy Birthday to me….a big birthday gift if the Gators win! GO GATORS!

Aggieconway

October 18th, 2012
2:09 pm

What, Jeff? No Marty Feldman? There wolf.

Spumoni

October 18th, 2012
2:18 pm

Hooray to UK for making the “politically correct” HC hire a few years ago … how’s that working out for the Mildcats?

UGA might not cover b/c of the UF game on 10/27, but UK is bad. Dogs should cover.
Wildcard for GT is how the D plays. BC can pass, but the Eagles have a bad run D. If GT’s D doesn’t improve it’s shootout. I’ll give GT the edge based on BC making to long road trips in consecutive weeks.
Take the Gators over the physically exhausted Gamecocks. However, if SC pulls out a W the East is over for the Dogs

Spumoni

October 18th, 2012
2:19 pm

BC make TWO (not to or too, Im an idiot) long road trips.

GFY

October 18th, 2012
2:28 pm

LOL….somebody from the Aw Barn family impugning another’s intelligence…..I thought the Barn was a community college not a comedy college

zamboni_racer

October 18th, 2012
2:49 pm

In an episode of Family Guy, Peter and Lois go to see The Vagina Monologues and the performer mentions that since the government has not been able to find Osama bin Laden, they have a new tactic to hire Jeff Gillooly.

Way to bring back some fond redneck memories for us Schultzy.

Thomas Brown Barks At The Moon

October 18th, 2012
2:50 pm

Funny, SC already making excuses for losing at FloRiDuh, LMAO! Steverino will not wear his headset for the game. It was keeping him from throwing his visor like “road-kill-sail-cats”, bwaaaaaahaaaaaahaaaa. UGA & UF TAKE THE LEAD IN THE SECe race Sat. Showdown in Jaxtonville. If UGA shows up, it will be a really good game. If UGA screws the pooch, then I guess Coach Richt better prepare to buy up all the eggs & toilet paper in the state, now that’s Funny!

DawgNole

October 18th, 2012
2:50 pm

Spumoni
October 18th, 2012
2:19 pm

BC make TWO (not to or too, Im an idiot) long road trips.
___________________

At least you admit it. That’s a rarity on these blogs. By the way, that’s “I’m”–not Im.

DawgNole

October 18th, 2012
2:53 pm

Thomas Brown Barks At The Moon
October 18th, 2012
2:50 pm
_____________________

Barking at the moon is the very least of Thomas Brown’s issues.

Alphare

October 18th, 2012
2:55 pm

Yeah, UGA will beat up some teams as long as they are bad.

Can be a totally different matter if the opponents are good, especially if they are good.

Buckeye

October 18th, 2012
2:59 pm

Buckeye

October 18th, 2012
3:01 pm

Is Lilly SEIU?

Buckeye

October 18th, 2012
3:09 pm

Does Lilly have a presidential pick coming soon?

Pitbull

October 18th, 2012
3:12 pm

If my team were 2-4 with wins only over Presbyterian and Virginia, and a scorching by MTSU, I think I would have enough sense to stay off the blogs and not talk smack.

GT

October 18th, 2012
3:17 pm

Pitbull – It’s arguable that UGA’s season has been far more dissapointing than GT’s this year. GT had no hopes at a conference championship from the start, UGA had the easiest NCAA Division I schedule in years and ruined their shot within the first month and a half.

DONNAN OF A NEW ERA

October 18th, 2012
3:25 pm

“Does Lilly have a presidential pick coming soon?”

Jeff is an Obama supporter.

DONNAN OF A NEW ERA

October 18th, 2012
3:25 pm

“Is Lilly SEIU?”

LOL!!!!!!

Herschel

October 18th, 2012
3:26 pm

Clarke Central is calling Derek.

Run, Bobo, Run!

October 18th, 2012
3:47 pm

Enter your comments here

Run, Bobo, Run!

October 18th, 2012
3:49 pm

I think if Ga scores more than Fla, they have a great chance of winning in Jax.

Thomas Brown Barks At The Moon

October 18th, 2012
3:52 pm

DawgNole
When the guys in the white-coats & butterfly-nets realize he’s escaped, he will disappear again for a couple of months and dazzle us with his world of stats. Watched Sutter Island the other night and thought about him. I wonder how many different blog-sites he is banned from?