Before getting to this week’s expected resurrection, I felt the need to do some research on raising the dead. See, a year ago, Georgia lost its first two games of the season and was declared kaputski, only to win its next 10 games, thereby saving the season, the head coach and all hope for those who embrace the idea of bringing a corpse back to life, particularly in an election year. (”How much for that Lincoln or FDR on the top shelf? Can I at least get a discount on Andrew Jackson with a Kroger Plus Card?)
So here we are again, with the Bulldogs having flat-lined in South Carolina. This prompted some research on what it would take to raise the dead. (Street term: black magic, potions or campaign speeches). This is what I found on SpellsOfMagic.com. (Back off. I’m a journalist.):
This spell will raise the dead and make them immortal . Don’t use this spell no matter what resion[sic]. There is consequences. NOTE this will not work if the person was a vampire, the body was burnt, they are pure of heart, you love them.
• 1. berry[sic] the fang
(Presumably, a fang from a late Uga or a Willie Martinez bicuspid would work.)
• 2. place skin on the grave
• 3. write their name in blood, full name
• 4. evenly space the candles, 1 per person, btw you count as a person
• 5. light candles clock wise, one after the other
• 6. hold clothing in your hand, then chant: “adeo mihi proficiscor vos solvo, alive undead vos vadum exsisto imbibo, cruor quod erant fang, imbibo mihi mote is exsisto.” (Translation: Dear God: If Steve Spurrier wins the East, I’m moving to Bolivia.)
• 7. wait till full moon then go back alone
Warning you may die.
Wait. What was that last one?
Forget it. It’s Kentucky. I’ll let this happen organically.
I don’t know how good Georgia is after the South Carolina game. But I know how bad Kentucky is. The Mildcats are 1-6. They lost to Arkansas 49-7. They have lost their last four games by a combined 152-38. Good luck raising Joker Phillips from the dead.
Not sure what this means for Florida, but this week the Dogs are alive. They win and cover 27½.
The critics rave: “Must-see video of the year! I laughed, I cried.”
(Where Knowledge Is Good)
• Birds and Bees: Paul Johnson said of his team’s defensive scheme, “We don’t need 80 calls,” a nice backhand at the brain-straining Al Groh, who was sling-shotted last week. Kinda makes sense really. Johnson’s offense has, like, what, four plays? Jackets cover 14 against B.C. Eagles.
• South Carolina at Florida: The Gamecocks looked three seconds slower, two feet shorter and 70 pounds lighter at LSU than they did at home against Georgia. Well, except for defensive tackle Kelcy Quarles, who slugged an LSU player when he was on the ground, prompting this comment from Spurrier: “I guess you’d call it a punch — I’ve seen a lot bigger punches.” He just dropped another notch on the food chain. Say hello to your statue in Gainesville, Steve. And goodbye to the SEC East: Gators cover 3.
Here’s what Spurrier considered minor
• Villanova at Georgia State: The Panthers conquered the state of Rhode Island, their first win of the season, and now move on to more significant territory: Fulton County. It’s Homecoming. You know, the road wasn’t so bad. Villanova covers two TDs.
• Alabama at Tennessee: There’s a famous zillion-pound rock on the Tennessee campus that’s frequently painted with messages. Earlier this week, messages included: “Derek Dooley Fan Club” followed by logos of SEC opponents. Ouch. By the way, if you move the rock, you’ll probably find Bobby Petrino underneath. Tides covers 20.5
• Auburn at Vanderbilt: Gene Chizik is now 27-53 in his Auburn/Iowa State coaching career without Cam Newton (including 9-27 in conference games). On a related note, there’s something wrong with his plane ticket to Nashville. It says, “Coach.” Vandy covers 7.
Chizik has a new idea to convert fans
• LSU at Texas A&M: The Aggies beat Louisiana Tech 59-57 last week. I’m not sure what sport that was but unfortunately they’re going to have to play football this week. Tigers cover 3½.
• Florida State at Miami: The Hurricanes will have 40 members of the 1987 national championship team at the game. Twenty-five years from now, the 2012 team will be honored in the parking lot of a Shoney’s. Seminoles cover 20½.
NFL SNACK PACK
(Buy any two games, receive a free copy of Michael Vick’s buyout clause.)
• Saints at Bucs: Jonathan Vilma says he will play while his suspension is legal limbo. No worries. He has been working out with Jeff Gillooly. Saints cover 3.
• Packers at Rams: The Packers lost three of five, then rolled for six touchdowns at Houston. I’m sensing a market correction. Cheese covers 5½.
• Redskins at Giants: If the playoffs opened today, the Falcons would get a first-round bye and then probably face the New York Giants. Feeling confident? Giants cover 6½.
• Cowboys at Panthers: Jerry Jones has a Taj Mahal for a stadium but a Walmart dinette set for a team. Nonetheless: Dallas covers 2.
VISITING THE CASHIER’S WINDOW
But first, pick a number between 1 and 10
Last week: 9-3 straight up, 5-7 against the line.
Through 7 laps: 59-19 straight up, 43-33-2 against the line.
Lock the Week: Deadbolt.
Lilly Pick of the Week: Lilly was furloughed this week after picking South Carolina over LSU and falling to 3-4. She has filed a grievance with the union.
By Jeff Schultz