Before getting to this week’s big game between Georgia and the S.S. Columbia, captained by Coach Queeg, we have some news related to roosters: It’s World Farm Animals Week!
I checked PETA’s website, and fortunately they did not mandate that all SEC schools with animal mascots change their names to something more acceptable, like to the Fighting Whole Grain Muffins, but it did commemorate this event with a blog that read in part: “By the end of the day, 104,273 cows, 297,392 pigs, 702,383 turkeys, and 21,261,534 chickens will have been killed in the U.S. to satisfy an old eating habit.”
And I know what you heathens are thinking: Does that come with fries? Because I’m pretty sure if cows, pigs, turkeys and chickens were sitting at the top of the food chain instead of on the right side of the menu, they would pull into a “Bones” (same name) and ask: “Does the Spurrier chops come with a side? Actually, never mind. They had a weird bitter taste last time. Used to be better when I had them back in Florida.”
OK, so let me bring you up to date on Steve Spurrier: He hasn’t banned any writers from news conferences this week, or even threatened to blow up Alderaan. But he has put his little Napoleon foot down.
True story: The AJC’s Chip Towers was supposed to have a phone interview with South Carolina quarterback Connor Shaw, a hometown kid from Flowery Branch. Spurrier nixed it Wednesday night. No reason was
given. Apparently, Spurrier either feared Shaw would spill state secrets — “Where are the nukes hidden, Shaw? Tell me. Tell me!” — or Darth Steve just had his feelings hurt because World Farm Animals like me are beating him up for being a paranoid, schizophrenic.
Then again, Chip is kind of intimidating.
He’s 5-foot-7, but he’s Bogart tough and his eyes spit fire.
Oh, Steve. Don’t look now but the eyes in that painting are following you.
Onto Saturday: Georgia’s defense will be better than in the Tennessee game. Aaron Murray will make plays in the fourth quarter. Spurrier will blame a writer. Then his head will explode.
South Carolina is giving 2 points. Take ‘em but you won’t need ‘em. Dogs win this straight up.
Can’t figure out if I like Spurrier better as Captain Queeg ...
… Or Foghorn Leghorn (You can stop after 42 seconds)
Is This Going To Be On The Test?
Georgia Yech at Clemson: Al Groh’s key card still worked this week. Pay all tickets. From Paul Johnson: “If we play like we did Saturday, they may not have enough lights on the scoreboard for Clemson.” Funny. Did he have practice as the lounge act on the Titanic? Clemson wins but take Tech and 10½.
New Hampshire at Ga. State of Confusion: The Panthers hired a search firm for their next coach. I guess when you lose 35-3 to 0-4 Bill & Mary, the program doesn’t sell itself. Hey, Al Groh is available! N.H. by 2 TDs.
LSU at Florida: Zach Mettenberger has progressed since felonious bar-groping charges at Georgia but he is struggling a bit at LSU. And something’s wrong when a team drops in the rankings twice after wins. I smell upset. Take the 2½ as a gift — Gators win.
Arkansas at Auburn: A bankruptcy filing shows John L. Smith $40.7 million in debt. He should open a lemonade stand with Jim Donnan. Louisville’s Charlie Strong denied rumors he’s interested in the Arkansas job, nor is he interested in the toxic waste cleanup business. Tigers cover 9½.
VaTech at North Carolina: Stat trumpeted by the Hokies: They’ve won 23 straight road conference openers. Sounds better than saying they’ve lost to Cincinnati and Pittsburgh. But: Take the 4½ and Hokies on the road.
Miami at Notre Dame: It’s not at Catholics vs. Convicts level but at least both programs are competitive again. Can Nevin Shapiro get this on the big screen in the mess hall? Irish cover 13.
John L. Smith is still smiling, and he has a new pep talk
Pros and Cons
Falcons at Redskins: Matt Ryan’s street cred is off the charts: He engineered a last-minute winning field goal drive from the 1-yard-line despite being sacked seven times and losing three major organs. Then he screamed from the sideline to Carolina, “Get the [bleep] off our field!” Turf war! Can Arthur Blank capitalize and charge for PSL’s in Ryan’s new cheering section: “Matty’s ’Hood”? Birds cover 3.
Eagles at Steelers: Philly has won three games by four points. Pittsburgh’s defense gets back Troy Polamalu and James Harrison. Check? Steelers cover 3½.
Chargers at Saints: If Drew Brees throws a touchdown pass, he will break the consecutive game TD mark previously set by Johnny Unitas at 47. Hey, the timing’s not great, but it’s not like Unitas has a won a game this year, either. Saints cover 4.
Texans at Jets: Jets owner Woody “Inheritance Doesn’t Make You A Visionary” Johnson reportedly is pushing Rex Ryan to start Tim Tebow at quarterback. Because what every good grease fire needs is an aerosol spray can. (Boom!) Houston wins but take New York and 7½.
Here’s your “Sack Schultz” video update
Dollars and sense
“A gambler with a system must be, to a greater or lesser extent, insane.” – George Augustus Sala.
Last week (doh!): 8-2 straight up, 4-5-1 against the line.
Through Chapter 5 (ahh): 43-12 straight up, 32-21-2 against the line.
Sack Schultz 2012 update: “KarlaMoshe” of Kansas still leads the pack with 62 wins but it’s a tight race. David DuBose (Flowery Branch) and Gerald Schmelzle (Kansas) were among those who went 15-0 last week and were our national and local winners.
Lilly Pick of the Week: She’s 3-2. This week, she went for the salami under Uga before the Rooster. (She’s 2-0 when picking her species.)
By Jeff Schultz
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