Predictions: No bagels, but Dogs win, Jackets don’t collapse

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Having just completed my annual day of Jewish repentance — 24 hours usually isn’t enough, so I tend to just focus on the top seven or eight sins — I was surprised to see a headline on the London Daily Mail website about, “Bagel Heads” taking over Japan. And I’m thinking, OK, I break my fast with bagels every year. I can see the Japanese liking bagels. Everybody likes bagels.

(The real bagels, not the press board at Kroger. There are two things that never should be considered acceptable: replacement bagels and replacement NFL officials. I swear, if Roger Goodell ever got on stage and said, “I think these replacement bagels are getting the job done,” he’d have 7,000 rabbis jump him and make him scream, “Onion! Sesame! Poppy!” within seven seconds.)

Where was I? Right, “Bagel Heads.”

Oy. Really? (via natgeotv.com)

Oy. Really? (via natgeotv.com)

So it turns out this actually is a “fashion trend” in Japan. I wish I was making this up: Misguided youth are having saline injected into their forehead, after which somebody presses their thumb on the area and leaves an imprint.

Hence, “Bagel Head.”

Or, “Idiot.”

I’m not sure who came up with this idea. But I think having an anvil dropped on your head and being called, “Commissioner” was second choice.

One male (uncertain species) who had this makeover looked in the mirror and said, “I’m impressed.” And immediately everybody wondered if John L. Smith had been cloned.

So why address “Bagel Heads” to lead into the Georgia-Tennessee game? Simple. I was too hungry Wednesday to break down game tapes. Besides, I can’t remember the last time there was a less-compelling Georgia-Tennessee game.

There’s this: It will be the first Bulldogs game this season that won’t have a player suspended for past sins. (Hey, they had Yom Kippur, too!) But I expect a Georgia loss as much as I expect Mark Richt to walk out for the postgame press conference and say, “Hey, look what I did to my forehead!”

No dramatic makeover: Dogs cover 13½.

Sis-Boom-Blah

(Unofficially Bad Game Week)

I'm not sure which of these monkeys is Al Groh.

I'm not sure which of these monkeys is Al Groh.

Mid-Tennessee State at Georgia Tech: Four days after his defense allowed 609 yards and blew a game to Miami, Al Groh said Wednesday he was done talking about it. Never mind that it was the first time there was any media access to him. Way to go, Slick. Blow this one, and the next words out of your mouth are going to be, “Hello, I’m Al Groh. Can I get you started with some jalapeno poppers?” Jackets cover 27½.

South Carolina at Kentucky: Steve Spurrier, channeling his inner-second-grader, threw another fit over a Columbia columnist second-guessing his decision to start battered quarterback Connor Shaw against UAB, which seems to qualify as a legitimate second-guess. So Spurrier made an opening statement on a conference call with reporters, then just hung up. Hey, maybe as halftime entertainment against Kentucky, he can stomp his feet, hold his breath and pass out. Oh wait. Lane Kiffin has copyright on that. Roosters cover 20½.

Maybe if everybody just ignored Spurrier, like Stewie

Arkansas at Texas A&M: John L. Smith, the gift that keeps on giving, mistakenly referred to Arkansas as “Alabama” in a speech this week. Hey, he was only talking to Razorbacks fans. For a moment they all thought they had died and gone to heaven. The reality: Not heaven. Texas A&M: This is your Bar Mitzvah! Aggies win and cover 13½.

Old Ms. at Alabama: The Tide has won four games by an average score of 42-5. Of course, Nick Saban is worried and says Mississippi’s option offense gets “defenses out of their comfort zone.” I think Patton said that just before he took Casablanca. Alabama covers 31.

Pros and Cons

Has Superman morphed into Hello Kitty? (Kevin Siers of Charlotte Observer)

Goodbye Superman? Hello Kitty? (Kevin Siers of Charlotte Observer)

Panthers at Falcons: Cam Newton is a pouting, sulking, blubbering, emotional tub of goo, or something to that effect. Steve Smith called him out, and a Charlotte Observer cartoonist mocked his “Superman” touchdown celebration by depicting him with a “Hello Kitty” T-shirt under his jersey instead of an “S.” Ouch. Goodbye kitties: Falcons cover 7½.

Saints at Packers: Amid the hysterical, Wile E. Coyote-esque disaster that the Saints have turned into, here’s the biggest pie in the face: The defense, which figured to be solid after the hiring of Steve Spagnuolo, allowed 520 yards to the Chiefs and has given up 102 points in three games. I think at 110, you’re clinically dead. Packers cover 7½.

Patriots at Bills: If a replacement official wants to press charges for being assaulted by Bill Belichick in last week’s game, does he appeal to the Replacement Officials Union. Or is that kind of like trying to find the Wal-Mart Workers Union? The Patriots (1-2) have a losing record for the first time since 2003. This helps. Pats cover 4.

Giants at Eagles: The Eagles have 12 turnovers. That doesn’t even include Michael Vick’s contract. Take the 2 and the Giants in a mild road upset.

Seahawks at Rams: Personally, the Seahawks didn’t see a problem with the replacement officials. Take the 2½ and St. Louis straight up.

Steve Spagnuolo had the perfect plan. And then … Oops.

Credits and debits

sports_betting_1“Luck never gives; it only lends.” –  Swedish Proverb.

Last week (yech): 8-3 straight up, 3-7-1 against the line.

Overall (better): 35-10 straight up, 28-16-1 against the line.

Lock of the week: Kwikset.

Sack Schultz update: “KarlaMoshe” of Kansas has had four straight 13-2 weeks and leads the pack at 52-8. I like to think I’m in the cool pack at 48-12 (tied for 290th).

Lilly Pick of the Week: She’s 2-2. This week, the biscuit choice was between Drew Brees (Saints) and Aaron Rodgers (Packers). She hesitated, then lunged toward — Packers.

Lilly and I had a little peptalk . . .

I told Lilly that Drew Brees is 0-3 and likes bounties ...

. . . And then she chose wisely.

... And Aaron Rodgers is 1-2 and likes dogs. She chose wisely.

By Jeff Schultz

For previous episodes of Weekend Predictions, click here

226 comments Add your comment

Skillet

September 27th, 2012
1:36 pm

First…huzzah.

Benjamin

September 27th, 2012
1:41 pm

Two things:

I. The Carolina turn against Newton may have been done in record time. That was fast…
II. I’m a Georgia game, but view this week vs. Tennessee as a good trap game. Tennessee is better than most people think. I think we’ll win, but I don’t think it’ll be easy. Georgia takes it by less than seven.

dawggirl

September 27th, 2012
1:43 pm

Best. Column. Ever.

Glad to hear both of us survived our fast, Jeff.

Go Dawgs, Go Falcons. No upsets that I can see. I wish I could show you the picture I saw last night at Break Fast on someone’s phone. It was a Tennessee fan with the “T” shaved into their goatee. Great publicity this week from them, not. Glad you didn’t talk about that story at PKA.

2BT

September 27th, 2012
2:01 pm

Congrats Skillet! You won yourself a free trip for you and the horse you rode in on to NOBODYCARES land!!

Grape Nuts are neither grapes or nuts

September 27th, 2012
2:02 pm

Pancakes for lunch. That’s how I roll.

Scott

September 27th, 2012
2:03 pm

Enter your comments here

The Braves, they...

September 27th, 2012
2:03 pm

UT upsets UGA in overtime. Braves win division. Tech wins out. Cam benched on first series. Lottery numbers: 22, 24, 34, 40, 56, Mega Ball 3.

Scott

September 27th, 2012
2:04 pm

Jeff, fyi, the Saints are 0-3, so you told Lilly wrong

The Vapors

September 27th, 2012
2:06 pm

How about the Gilligan’s Island clip of the Japanese sailor who doesn’t know the war is over? Vewy, vewy good wooking. Was that culturally insensitive? Oops.

"told Lilly that Drew Brees is 1-2 and likes bounties ..."

September 27th, 2012
2:15 pm

GeoffDawg

September 27th, 2012
2:15 pm

1) Lilly is 2-2. It’s almost like she’s not putting any thought into this at all. 2) That bagel head thing disturbs me. 3) If Georgia can avoid giving up too many big plays to those elite WRs, then I think they cover.

JSS

September 27th, 2012
2:19 pm

@ Jeff Schultz…

Did you catch “your boy” Roger Goodell?

Jeff Schultz

September 27th, 2012
2:23 pm

Scott — Yikes! I told her right but typed wrong. Fixed. Thanks.

JSS

September 27th, 2012
2:24 pm

Man, Lilly doesn’t have her normal perk… What ya done to her? She likes the Honda just so you know!

Steve

September 27th, 2012
2:24 pm

@ “The Braves, they…” Are you high? UT wins? Tech wins out? Hilarious! Tech has at least 3 more losses ahead of them.

Vain Jangling

September 27th, 2012
2:25 pm

“3-7-1 against the line.” Words are hurtful, aren’t they, Jeff.

Jeff Schultz

September 27th, 2012
2:26 pm

JSS — Roger Goodell is “my boy”?…. Kinda like Matt Ryan is “your boy”?

Jeff Schultz

September 27th, 2012
2:27 pm

Vain Jangling — Don’t I get points for honesty?

notfit

September 27th, 2012
2:30 pm

off topic… But does anyone know where I can purchase these fantastic foam ATL falcon claws!?
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/nfl/teams/atlanta-falcons/gallery/

JSS

September 27th, 2012
2:34 pm

Ha ha, touche…

How can a man’s mouth not be moving and a lie come out? Goodell is a peach!

Call It Like It Is

September 27th, 2012
2:35 pm

So Jeff what is the over/under for the first Packer player to say “The replacment ref’s did a better job then these guys” after their next loss?

Spanky

September 27th, 2012
2:37 pm

Jeff, are we absolutely sure that these aren’t Tech female students, trying to keep the ….”trendly-challenged” guys from staring elsewhere??

Eric C.

September 27th, 2012
2:37 pm

Jeff — an entertaining picks column as always. The Dawgs are prone to giving up big plays on defense so it is hard to see them covering, but I’m hopeful that you are right.

Hayseed Dixie

September 27th, 2012
2:38 pm

“Way to go, Slick. Blow this one and the next words out of your mouth are going to be, “Hello, I’m Al Groh. Can I get you started with some jalapeno poppers?””

I’m a Tech fan, and that’s pretty darn funny.

Glad to see Cam Newton getting exposed as the over-indulged man-boy he really is. School is in session, here’s Professor Ryan.

dagadawgs

September 27th, 2012
2:39 pm

Anyone who has ever actually bet on Georgia to cover is an idiot. I bet they haven’t covered twice since Richt got here. Dawgs win, but Tennessee is better than people think. Dawgs 31-21.

Spanky

September 27th, 2012
2:40 pm

As far as the Georgia game is concerned, I think that the dawgs will run away with it in the fourth qtr, due to Tennessee’s lack of depth..shown in the Fla. game!

Eric C.

September 27th, 2012
2:42 pm

Dagadawgs, your score seems reasonable, but they’ve covered twice this year (MO, Vandy).

Vain Jangling

September 27th, 2012
2:45 pm

What, Jeff? You’re wanting “points for honesty?” Remember, dude, “getting” and “giving” points is what got you in this mess in the first place! But, no big deal, I guess. Apparently you don’t have to atone for last week’s failings until sometime next year. If only us Baptists could be so lucky!

dagadawgs

September 27th, 2012
2:48 pm

You know what you are right Eric. That makes 4. Trust me nobody wants to see them win by 30 more than I do.

Paddy

September 27th, 2012
2:51 pm

Jeff,,,,,,,,I think you are wrong on this one. That bagel head thing might gain some momentum here if it is started in the right state, like say, Aabama!

Habersham Dawg

September 27th, 2012
2:52 pm

Bagel Heads, I become nauseated just looking at it. Jeff, some things you just can’t un-see. Thank you, thank you sooooooooo much.

Gary

September 27th, 2012
2:53 pm

Dawgs pass D has something to prove this weekend. Will give Jones time to get in the back field. Tennessee forced to stick with short routes and field goals. Georgia Offense plays great except for the stupid turnovers. Closer than people want it to be.

DIT

September 27th, 2012
2:53 pm

“Anyone who has ever actually bet on Georgia to cover is an idiot.”
________________

Just open mouth and insert here….. Dawgs covered last week, but don’t let facts get in the way!

dagadawgs

September 27th, 2012
2:55 pm

DO some research and see how often they cover DIT. Tool

Paul in NH

September 27th, 2012
2:55 pm

UGA covers
GT wins but doesn’t cover
USC, aTm, ALA all cover

Everton 2-0 over Southampton
Liverpool win their first of the season in the EPL 2-1 @ Norwich

US over Europe in a close one at Medinah. Over/under on MJ sightings on TV – 50

Eric C.

September 27th, 2012
2:57 pm

Dagadawgs, the feeling is mutual

DIT

September 27th, 2012
2:58 pm

@dagadawgs

Did they cover last week or against Mizzou??? And you have the nerve to call me a Tool??? You made the statement my friend. I can’t help that several had called you out on it. You did not say how often. Only a Tool would say one thing and try and change what he says even though it’s already in print. Good grief, good day!

Eric C.

September 27th, 2012
2:58 pm

Ha, the feeling at 2:48 that is

dagadawgs

September 27th, 2012
2:59 pm

Good day tool

DIT

September 27th, 2012
3:00 pm

Sorry that I hurt your feelings with facts! l.o.l.

JSS

September 27th, 2012
3:02 pm

Hey, I’ve seen that ‘Family Guy’ clip somewhere before… :-)

JSS

September 27th, 2012
3:04 pm

Paul in NH…

What happened to Swansea?

dick whiskey

September 27th, 2012
3:06 pm

love some weekend predictions,always laugh my azz off(and you were kidding about that jewish bullcrap were’nt you)

Eric C.

September 27th, 2012
3:06 pm

Well, if memory serves correct, the last couple of “big” home games for the Dawgs include last year’s games vs Auburn and KY. They more than covered Auburn but dang near threw away the division vs KY. Which will it be this week?

The difference between last year and this year is Crowell vs Gurley/Marshall…smile.

JB

September 27th, 2012
3:07 pm

I think Georgia has one of the best offenses in the country…..and a pretty good defense. But, you can only fake dancing for so long till folks figure out you can’t dance……Dawgs let Tenn hang around for a half, say 17 -10…..then blow out the second half with Tree and Jarvis blitzing about every play and pulling away 41-17

dagadawgs

September 27th, 2012
3:11 pm

Can you see my handle? I am a dawgs fan, I’m not GTBob. If you go back and bet every game over Richt’s 11 years you would lose the majority of the time. That is why I was saying. Like I said I hope we win by 30

DIT

September 27th, 2012
3:22 pm

Fair enough my fellow Dawg. I thought you were speaking of this year. Yes, if you go back over the 11 years you would be correct we don’t cover. I too hope we win by 30!

JSS

September 27th, 2012
3:23 pm

Oh oh, Mel Gibson has hit the blog!

Jesus H. Christ

September 27th, 2012
3:36 pm

Hey dick whiskey what’s wrong with all that “jewish bullcrap”?

Concrete Jungle

September 27th, 2012
3:39 pm

Thanks for the GSU prediction Schultz.

Panthers 21

Tribe 17