Having just completed my annual day of Jewish repentance — 24 hours usually isn’t enough, so I tend to just focus on the top seven or eight sins — I was surprised to see a headline on the London Daily Mail website about, “Bagel Heads” taking over Japan. And I’m thinking, OK, I break my fast with bagels every year. I can see the Japanese liking bagels. Everybody likes bagels.
(The real bagels, not the press board at Kroger. There are two things that never should be considered acceptable: replacement bagels and replacement NFL officials. I swear, if Roger Goodell ever got on stage and said, “I think these replacement bagels are getting the job done,” he’d have 7,000 rabbis jump him and make him scream, “Onion! Sesame! Poppy!” within seven seconds.)
Where was I? Right, “Bagel Heads.”
So it turns out this actually is a “fashion trend” in Japan. I wish I was making this up: Misguided youth are having saline injected into their forehead, after which somebody presses their thumb on the area and leaves an imprint.
Hence, “Bagel Head.”
I’m not sure who came up with this idea. But I think having an anvil dropped on your head and being called, “Commissioner” was second choice.
One male (uncertain species) who had this makeover looked in the mirror and said, “I’m impressed.” And immediately everybody wondered if John L. Smith had been cloned.
So why address “Bagel Heads” to lead into the Georgia-Tennessee game? Simple. I was too hungry Wednesday to break down game tapes. Besides, I can’t remember the last time there was a less-compelling Georgia-Tennessee game.
There’s this: It will be the first Bulldogs game this season that won’t have a player suspended for past sins. (Hey, they had Yom Kippur, too!) But I expect a Georgia loss as much as I expect Mark Richt to walk out for the postgame press conference and say, “Hey, look what I did to my forehead!”
No dramatic makeover: Dogs cover 13½.
(Unofficially Bad Game Week)
Mid-Tennessee State at Georgia Tech: Four days after his defense allowed 609 yards and blew a game to Miami, Al Groh said Wednesday he was done talking about it. Never mind that it was the first time there was any media access to him. Way to go, Slick. Blow this one, and the next words out of your mouth are going to be, “Hello, I’m Al Groh. Can I get you started with some jalapeno poppers?” Jackets cover 27½.
South Carolina at Kentucky: Steve Spurrier, channeling his inner-second-grader, threw another fit over a Columbia columnist second-guessing his decision to start battered quarterback Connor Shaw against UAB, which seems to qualify as a legitimate second-guess. So Spurrier made an opening statement on a conference call with reporters, then just hung up. Hey, maybe as halftime entertainment against Kentucky, he can stomp his feet, hold his breath and pass out. Oh wait. Lane Kiffin has copyright on that. Roosters cover 20½.
Maybe if everybody just ignored Spurrier, like Stewie
Arkansas at Texas A&M: John L. Smith, the gift that keeps on giving, mistakenly referred to Arkansas as “Alabama” in a speech this week. Hey, he was only talking to Razorbacks fans. For a moment they all thought they had died and gone to heaven. The reality: Not heaven. Texas A&M: This is your Bar Mitzvah! Aggies win and cover 13½.
Old Ms. at Alabama: The Tide has won four games by an average score of 42-5. Of course, Nick Saban is worried and says Mississippi’s option offense gets “defenses out of their comfort zone.” I think Patton said that just before he took Casablanca. Alabama covers 31.
Pros and Cons
Panthers at Falcons: Cam Newton is a pouting, sulking, blubbering, emotional tub of goo, or something to that effect. Steve Smith called him out, and a Charlotte Observer cartoonist mocked his “Superman” touchdown celebration by depicting him with a “Hello Kitty” T-shirt under his jersey instead of an “S.” Ouch. Goodbye kitties: Falcons cover 7½.
Saints at Packers: Amid the hysterical, Wile E. Coyote-esque disaster that the Saints have turned into, here’s the biggest pie in the face: The defense, which figured to be solid after the hiring of Steve Spagnuolo, allowed 520 yards to the Chiefs and has given up 102 points in three games. I think at 110, you’re clinically dead. Packers cover 7½.
Patriots at Bills: If a replacement official wants to press charges for being assaulted by Bill Belichick in last week’s game, does he appeal to the Replacement Officials Union. Or is that kind of like trying to find the Wal-Mart Workers Union? The Patriots (1-2) have a losing record for the first time since 2003. This helps. Pats cover 4.
Giants at Eagles: The Eagles have 12 turnovers. That doesn’t even include Michael Vick’s contract. Take the 2 and the Giants in a mild road upset.
Seahawks at Rams: Personally, the Seahawks didn’t see a problem with the replacement officials. Take the 2½ and St. Louis straight up.
Steve Spagnuolo had the perfect plan. And then … Oops.
Credits and debits
“Luck never gives; it only lends.” – Swedish Proverb.
Last week (yech): 8-3 straight up, 3-7-1 against the line.
Overall (better): 35-10 straight up, 28-16-1 against the line.
Lock of the week: Kwikset.
Sack Schultz update: “KarlaMoshe” of Kansas has had four straight 13-2 weeks and leads the pack at 52-8. I like to think I’m in the cool pack at 48-12 (tied for 290th).
Lilly Pick of the Week: She’s 2-2. This week, the biscuit choice was between Drew Brees (Saints) and Aaron Rodgers (Packers). She hesitated, then lunged toward — Packers.
By Jeff Schultz
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