Predictions: Dogs win cage match, Falcons upset Chargers

chalk 003

We here at Weekend Predictions, Career Counseling Services and Psychological Services reached the conclusion long ago that all coaches eventually snap.

We’re not sure why this is. It probably has something to do with the 22-hour, Red Bull-fueled work days and going home, only to have the dog tinkle on your shoe and the 5-year-old ask, “Are you my daddy?” and then having a game plan spontaneously combust when the opening kickoff bounces off his top draft pick’s head.

Or the starting running back deciding to get his Magic City on and drive home at warp speed. Hypothetically speaking.

Last week, USC coach Lane Kiffin went bat crazy. He tried to ban a reporter from practice for reporting that a kicker had knee surgery, but was overruled by the Politburo. This week he ended a news conference after 28 seconds because he didn’t like a question, which guarantees he’ll be asked that same question again because if there’s one thing the media likes, it’s knowing that a news conference might morph into a cartoon, or possibly self-immolation.

John L. Smith consulting with his friend, Harvey.

John L. Smith consulting with his friend, Harvey.

Maybe Kiffin can hire John L. Smith as his life coach. Meet: denial and delusional crazy. Two weeks after declaring bankruptcy and three days after watching Arkansas lose to Alabama 52-0, Smith started a news conference by admonishing the media to, “Smile! SMILE!” And then he introduced everybody to six-foot tall rabbit, Harvey.

Somewhere in the middle, we have this week’s We Know You’re Really Crazy Bowl between Georgia (Todd Grantham) and Vanderbilt (James Franklin).  Last year these two had to be separated by players, coaches, officials and a dozen Green Berets. But now they say, hey, it’s all good. They are compadres. ”

Franklin: “Our families went on vacation together. Disney World. We were floating in the pool together, drinking Mai Tais.”

What I hear: “Come here little mouse, I won’t hurt you.”

Over/under on forearm shivers: 3½. The only difference this year is Georgia knows what’s coming. Unlike last year, this won’t go to the judges scorecards. The Dogs are favored by 16 bicuspids. They’ll cover.

What Grantham and Franklin meant to say (This never gets old)

This week’s video theme: Damn, I’m good

Sis Boom Bah

NCAA is walking to get Miami on the Green Mile.

NCAA is walking to get Miami on the Green Mile.

Miami at Georgia Tech: The Yellow Jackets have scored 50 or more points (59, 56) in consecutive games for the first time since 1936, and they actually won both. Progress for the defense! Miami has been waiting 19 months for the NCAA to drop the hammer, so players might seem a little skittish. Paul Johnson should totally have a guy with a suit and a briefcase run a post pattern. Nobody would go near him. Tech covers 14.

Richmond at Georgia State: The Panthers have been outscored by 89 points in their first three games and now play their first game in a conference (Colonial Athletic Association) that they’ve decided they’re too good for. Or something like that. No lines on FCS, but Richmond wins by 21-plus.

LSU at Auburn: Gene Chizik called beating Louisiana-Monroe a “great win.” This is a first for an overtime win by an SEC team over a Sun Belt team that was paid $1.050 million, ostensibly to come to Auburn and take a whipping. Can’t wait for this week’s adjectives. Coming: A deeply spiritual, enriching and educational experience: LSU covers 20½.

Mizzou at South Carolina: The newbies play their first SEC road game. It won’t look like Iowa State. Gamecocks cover 10.

Clemson at Florida State: The Seminoles have beaten Murray State, Savannah State and Wake Forest by a combined score of 176-3, which really won’t mean anything if they can’t win the first game that actually means something. The winner laps the loser for the ACC Atlantic title. Dabo? Dabo, where did you go? Noles cover 14.

Rutgers at Arkansas: Arkansas put a motorcycle and a cardboard cutout of a blonde in John L. Smith’s office, hoping he’ll take the bait. Didn’t work. They’re stuck with him. Piggies cover 7.

In case you missed Kiffin singing, “Hello, I must be going” …

NFL Snack Pack

Oh look: Michael Turner was here.

Oh look: Michael Turner was here.

Falcons at Chargers: I’m not sure about the DUI charge, but I would think Michael Turner could get off for speeding if he just shows some recent game film. I know the concerns: Short week, long trip, banged up team. But the Chargers’ defense isn’t great. Expect another aerial assault: Take the 3, but Falcons win in an upset.

Rams at Bears: Jay Cutler had four interceptions, seven sacks and pushed one of his offensive linemen last week. He might be safer dressing in the Rams’ locker room. Bears win, but take St. Louis and 7½.

Chiefs at Saints: The Saints are 0-2 and rank 32nd in defense. What these players really need is some sort of financial incentive. Anybody got any ideas? Help arrives: Chiefs are awful. New Orleans covers 9.

Patriots at Ravens: An Arizona Cardinals coach said Tom Brady was tipping his plays last week. Think: Roseanne Barr tells Gisele Bundchen she has a zit. Ravens cover 3.

Bottom Dollars

footballbetting“Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.” — R.E. Shay

Last week: 10-2 straight up, 11-1 against the line.

So far, so great: 27-7 straight up, 25-9 against the line.

“Sack Schultz” update: Last week’s winners were Barry Slaton of Dawsonville and Jim Miller of Beaver Crossing, Neb. Both went 13-2. The overall leader so far is “KarlaMosqu” of Kansas at 39-6, six wins ahead of me.

dog 003

Lilly's record dropped to 1-2, but she's 1-0 in Georgia games.

Lilly’s Pick of the Week: She’s fallen to 1-2 but blames replacement officials. This week, Lilly quickly went for the biscuit under the picture of Uga before the picture of the Commodore. Smart dog.

By Jeff Schultz

For previous episodes of Weekend Predictions, click here


164 comments Add your comment

JSS

September 20th, 2012
1:51 pm

Goodness, Phyton out-polled the Engineers from LV-223!

JSS

September 20th, 2012
1:56 pm

Unless you’re living in Montana or West Texas, an Audi R8 is a waste… He should have waited 4 weeks and come to Petit LeMans!

explosive JACKET

September 20th, 2012
1:59 pm

johnm

September 20th, 2012
2:05 pm

seems like lily always goes to the left

Jeff Schultz

September 20th, 2012
2:12 pm

Johnm — Liberal.

Concrete Jungle

September 20th, 2012
2:13 pm

GSU will beat Richmond by 2 touchdowns. Go Panthers!

Billyho55

September 20th, 2012
2:20 pm

GOOD LUCK THIS WEEK FELLAS! GREAT READING AS ALWAYS MR. SCHULTZ! I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOUR HUMOR TO GET ME THOUGH THE LAST 2 DAYS OF THE WEEK UNTIL IT’S TIME FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

Steve

September 20th, 2012
2:23 pm

But I don’t want to buy an Hyundai : ( Great video!

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

LOL at the Braves

September 20th, 2012
2:32 pm

Enter your comments here

beanster

September 20th, 2012
2:37 pm

Man I want to know what the reporter asked Kiffin that pissed him off so much. Hilarious.

Mitch Kumstein

September 20th, 2012
2:45 pm

Of course Lily is a liberal…she depends on someone else for her sustinance.

Go dogs! Go Falcons! Whatever, Tech

Tyler Durden

September 20th, 2012
2:45 pm

Mr. Schultz, aka: “My personal ATM”. Nice capping, keep it going. Go Dawgs!

Falcon Jim

September 20th, 2012
2:46 pm

I guess Lilly will vote for O. I’m sure she is registered and has a photo ID.

JSS

September 20th, 2012
2:52 pm

Gee Jeff Schultz, a “bowling alley?” Ha ha, hadn’t been to one of those since undergrad in Michigan… My stalkers have no imagination!

JSS

September 20th, 2012
2:53 pm

“Rocky Road?” Do they still make that stuff?

JSS

September 20th, 2012
3:01 pm

Why don’t you quit before to bite off more than you can chew…

JSS

September 20th, 2012
3:03 pm

They never learn…

HUH?????

September 20th, 2012
3:09 pm

Jeff, I agree and think Auburn will get their clock cleaned again.

As for UGA, when do they actually play a ranked team?

Vain Jangling

September 20th, 2012
3:22 pm

Who vetted John L. Smith for Arkansas? A squirrel on crack?

Vain Jangling

September 20th, 2012
3:27 pm

And a note to Michael Turner: We understand your obvious confusion. Magic City is indeed a trick shop, it’s just a different kind of trick shop. Nudge nudge, wink wink. Say no more!

Really?

September 20th, 2012
3:33 pm

Without the NFL helping out by missing those late hits and throwing flags for phantom fouls the taint’s show how good they REALLY are. Too bad for all the drunks and crack heads in cesspool central aka new orleans they tried to actually earn some respect instead of living off of pity and hand outs. That was a bad idea. Kind of like jss pretending someoen else is using his name to post lame posts.

Malcolm

September 20th, 2012
3:40 pm

JSS, what’s wrong with bowling? You don’t have to deny it.

SSIgator

September 20th, 2012
3:42 pm

Jeff -

“Gene Chizik called beating Louisiana-Monroe a “great win.” This is a first for an overtime win by an SEC team over a Sun Belt team that was paid $1.050 million, ostensibly to come to Auburn and take a whipping. Can’t wait for this week’s adjectives.”
______________________________

They will probably be similar to the ones UGA used after the UCF bowl game – Oops, UGA lost that game. Sorry.

GeoffDawg

September 20th, 2012
3:50 pm

Lilly is likely fiscally conservative and socially liberal. She buries bones in the backyard for rainy days but doesn’t object to same sex pack mates.

HUH?????

September 20th, 2012
3:50 pm

What’s gotta really suck for people like Jeff is the fact that the ONLY team in the entire state of GA to win a recent championship is the 95 Braves.

That’s sad.

The state of Alabama, with ZERO professional teams, has won the last 3 national titles and will win another one this year.

HUH?????

September 20th, 2012
3:51 pm

“Lilly is likely fiscally conservative and socially liberal.”

So she kills puppies and wants everyone else to pay for her vet bills?

GeoffDawg

September 20th, 2012
3:52 pm

SSIgator, you’re bringing up a bowl game from two seasons ago? Really?

JB

September 20th, 2012
3:52 pm

Chizik in trouble….Dooley in trouble…..Joker ’s wife at Kentucky already packing. Arkansas is looking.
Lot’s of job’s coming open….and here sits Bobo……at the controls of a prolific offense, tutored under Richt…..Will someone call??? Nahhhhhhhhh….

GeoffDawg

September 20th, 2012
3:53 pm

Did the puppies commit some sort of capital crime?

JB

September 20th, 2012
3:54 pm

If someone hired Bobo, a recruit visiting would look at him and say,. ” come on, really, where’s the head coach”….

BobDawg

September 20th, 2012
4:00 pm

Schultzie…. love it! ” Are you my Daddy??”"…. Classic….

Kramer

September 20th, 2012
4:00 pm

Classic Python! Now that was some funny Kiffin Jeff! (Play on words, hope you got it).

JSS

September 20th, 2012
4:02 pm

Bowling is fine if that is your thing… Malcolm, it is not my thing… I rather kayak and enjoy nature or hit a trail… But, I’ve never been fond of marshmallows in anything! Dude’s need to stick to using their user-names and stop trying to be witty in ways that aren’t very clever!

JSS

September 20th, 2012
4:03 pm

Y’all just mad cause that dog is living large!

JSS

September 20th, 2012
4:12 pm

Did Kennesaw State and Augusta State return those national championship? Shoot the hedge crappers have NCAA titles since 95… Just not in the sports they long so deeply to have… Even though those “Huh” mentioned are “mythical” in nature…

Kramer

September 20th, 2012
4:19 pm

Shultz, a liberal? You seem to intelligent and to accountable to be a liberal. Oh well, maybe Bradley is the brains of the operation.

Esquire

September 20th, 2012
4:28 pm

5-6-7-8
Everywhere we goooO,
Everywhere we goooO,
People wanna knooOw,
People wanna knooOw,
Who we aaa are,
Who we aaa are,
So we tell theem, So we tell theem,
We are the FALCONS!! We are the FALCONS!!
MIGHTY MIGHTY FALCONS, MIGHTY MIGHTY FALCONS !!
OHH AHH OHH YEEAHH

.NFL ATLANTA FALCONS NFC SOUTH CHAMPIONS 2012

THAT’S WHAT WE TELL THEM

LOL at The Aints

September 20th, 2012
4:38 pm

Carefull,, JSS as been known to go for the Jugular LOL!

Howard

September 20th, 2012
4:46 pm

Jeff…John L. Smith had debts of $25 million…doing what? Stiffing Weber State after being their coach for what…3 days??? He deserves Arkansas and Arkansas deserves him. Gene Chizik will show finally what an over-rated coache he reall is…while Lane Kiffin?? When are you gonna try to interview him??? That alone would be priceless reading.

dawggirl

September 20th, 2012
4:49 pm

“Shultz, a liberal? You seem to intelligent and to accountable to be a liberal. Oh well, maybe Bradley is the brains of the operation.”

This is rich, really. Three errors and you’re commenting on others’ intelligence?

Lilly’s a smart dog. Period.

Kiffin clip, just classic. Loser.

Paul in NH

September 20th, 2012
4:51 pm

Grantham’s and Franklin’s role models

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51-4sJTf7iQ

Reg, the founder and glorious leader of the PFJ

September 20th, 2012
4:55 pm

Hey Schultz…thanks for the link to all the Python greats…oh…and your predictions are good enough for Jehovah!

Paul in NH

September 20th, 2012
5:03 pm

UGA covers
GT covers over the U
Richmond big over GSU – GSU may be too good for the CAA but their only chance of a win in conference is if Mary leaves William at home
LSU covers
FSU by 10

In the big games of the weekend
Liverpool 1 Man U 1 – the fans stop singing offensive songs (for this game only)
Swansea 2 Everton 2

DawgFan

September 20th, 2012
5:07 pm

Always like your articles, Jeff! Too dadburn funny and what a wit! Don’t pay any attention to the negative comments about Lilly as I think she is a darn good dog! Keep it up and keep us laughing.

Paul in NH

September 20th, 2012
5:08 pm

Reg is from the PFJ? I thought the PJF were the true patriots.

UGA ECONOMICS MAJOR

September 20th, 2012
5:09 pm

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS MY ATLANTA FALCONS….I,M A LIFELONG FALCON FAN..LETS GO FALCONS 3-0 WOULD BE SWEET

Big Crimson 75

September 20th, 2012
5:14 pm

I was 1 for 2 with upsets straight up last week :
Stanford over USC…good!
Old Mrs over TX….bad!

This week :
Clemson over FSU. Tigers win straight up, but I’ll definitely take the 14 points!!
Aubie cover 20.5 against LSU.

KC WILL cover 9 against the Saints. Curtis Lofton has been the difference for NO!!
Falcons win straight up!!

JSS

September 20th, 2012
5:14 pm

LOL, is nap time over? Were the PBJs and milk good today?

JSS

September 20th, 2012
5:18 pm

Wow Paul, when did Swansea get so offensive?