We here at Weekend Predictions, Career Counseling Services and Psychological Services reached the conclusion long ago that all coaches eventually snap.
We’re not sure why this is. It probably has something to do with the 22-hour, Red Bull-fueled work days and going home, only to have the dog tinkle on your shoe and the 5-year-old ask, “Are you my daddy?” and then having a game plan spontaneously combust when the opening kickoff bounces off his top draft pick’s head.
Or the starting running back deciding to get his Magic City on and drive home at warp speed. Hypothetically speaking.
Last week, USC coach Lane Kiffin went bat crazy. He tried to ban a reporter from practice for reporting that a kicker had knee surgery, but was overruled by the Politburo. This week he ended a news conference after 28 seconds because he didn’t like a question, which guarantees he’ll be asked that same question again because if there’s one thing the media likes, it’s knowing that a news conference might morph into a cartoon, or possibly self-immolation.
Maybe Kiffin can hire John L. Smith as his life coach. Meet: denial and delusional crazy. Two weeks after declaring bankruptcy and three days after watching Arkansas lose to Alabama 52-0, Smith started a news conference by admonishing the media to, “Smile! SMILE!” And then he introduced everybody to six-foot tall rabbit, Harvey.
Somewhere in the middle, we have this week’s We Know You’re Really Crazy Bowl between Georgia (Todd Grantham) and Vanderbilt (James Franklin). Last year these two had to be separated by players, coaches, officials and a dozen Green Berets. But now they say, hey, it’s all good. They are compadres. ”
Franklin: “Our families went on vacation together. Disney World. We were floating in the pool together, drinking Mai Tais.”
What I hear: “Come here little mouse, I won’t hurt you.”
Over/under on forearm shivers: 3½. The only difference this year is Georgia knows what’s coming. Unlike last year, this won’t go to the judges scorecards. The Dogs are favored by 16 bicuspids. They’ll cover.
What Grantham and Franklin meant to say (This never gets old)
This week’s video theme: Damn, I’m good
Sis Boom Bah
Miami at Georgia Tech: The Yellow Jackets have scored 50 or more points (59, 56) in consecutive games for the first time since 1936, and they actually won both. Progress for the defense! Miami has been waiting 19 months for the NCAA to drop the hammer, so players might seem a little skittish. Paul Johnson should totally have a guy with a suit and a briefcase run a post pattern. Nobody would go near him. Tech covers 14.
Richmond at Georgia State: The Panthers have been outscored by 89 points in their first three games and now play their first game in a conference (Colonial Athletic Association) that they’ve decided they’re too good for. Or something like that. No lines on FCS, but Richmond wins by 21-plus.
LSU at Auburn: Gene Chizik called beating Louisiana-Monroe a “great win.” This is a first for an overtime win by an SEC team over a Sun Belt team that was paid $1.050 million, ostensibly to come to Auburn and take a whipping. Can’t wait for this week’s adjectives. Coming: A deeply spiritual, enriching and educational experience: LSU covers 20½.
Mizzou at South Carolina: The newbies play their first SEC road game. It won’t look like Iowa State. Gamecocks cover 10.
Clemson at Florida State: The Seminoles have beaten Murray State, Savannah State and Wake Forest by a combined score of 176-3, which really won’t mean anything if they can’t win the first game that actually means something. The winner laps the loser for the ACC Atlantic title. Dabo? Dabo, where did you go? Noles cover 14.
Rutgers at Arkansas: Arkansas put a motorcycle and a cardboard cutout of a blonde in John L. Smith’s office, hoping he’ll take the bait. Didn’t work. They’re stuck with him. Piggies cover 7.
In case you missed Kiffin singing, “Hello, I must be going” …
NFL Snack Pack
Falcons at Chargers: I’m not sure about the DUI charge, but I would think Michael Turner could get off for speeding if he just shows some recent game film. I know the concerns: Short week, long trip, banged up team. But the Chargers’ defense isn’t great. Expect another aerial assault: Take the 3, but Falcons win in an upset.
Rams at Bears: Jay Cutler had four interceptions, seven sacks and pushed one of his offensive linemen last week. He might be safer dressing in the Rams’ locker room. Bears win, but take St. Louis and 7½.
Chiefs at Saints: The Saints are 0-2 and rank 32nd in defense. What these players really need is some sort of financial incentive. Anybody got any ideas? Help arrives: Chiefs are awful. New Orleans covers 9.
Patriots at Ravens: An Arizona Cardinals coach said Tom Brady was tipping his plays last week. Think: Roseanne Barr tells Gisele Bundchen she has a zit. Ravens cover 3.
“Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.” — R.E. Shay
Last week: 10-2 straight up, 11-1 against the line.
So far, so great: 27-7 straight up, 25-9 against the line.
“Sack Schultz” update: Last week’s winners were Barry Slaton of Dawsonville and Jim Miller of Beaver Crossing, Neb. Both went 13-2. The overall leader so far is “KarlaMosqu” of Kansas at 39-6, six wins ahead of me.
Lilly’s Pick of the Week: She’s fallen to 1-2 but blames replacement officials. This week, Lilly quickly went for the biscuit under the picture of Uga before the picture of the Commodore. Smart dog.
By Jeff Schultz
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