Welcome back for another week of almost-flawless investment advice. We’re off to a decent start here: 17-5 overall, 14-8 against the spread and 12-0 in the games I was really serious about. The “Sack Schultz 2012″ contest is not playing out as well. I went 8-7 last week, which puts me in 319th place, or right on track to win the trip to … Kabul.
If things don’t improve, I may have to reassess my marketing leverage and join the ACC (at least in softball and lacrosse).
And speaking of numbers:
The Falcons face Beelzebub this week. No, not Bobby Petrino — Peyton Manning. Yes, Manning is pure evil. Or at least his jersey number is. The Greeley-Evans (Colo.) school district has barred kids from wearing Manning jerseys because he’s No. 18, and there’s concern that he has ties to the “18th Street” gang, or maybe because 666 (The Number of the Beast!) adds up to 18, or maybe because every single member of the Greeley-Evans School District is a complete boob.
One elementary school sent home an 8-year-old in a Manning jersey. But hey, he brought red jello for lunch, and … well do I even need to say it?
The school district has banned (I’m not making this up) 18, 13, 14 (all with supposed “gang” links), as well as 81, 31 and 41 (uh, the dreaded, “Transposed Gang”?), as well as an assortment of square roots, fractions and pi (which I believe is Latin for: “Luca Brazi sleeps with the fishes”). Thank you, educators.
Now, learn something: There’s panic in Falconland. Brent Grimes is injured. Manning is coming to town. He’s bringing the entire underworld with him! Oh wait, Mike Shanahan is in Washington now. Never mind. But I don’t see the Broncos stopping the Falcons’ offense, and the second-half defense in Kansas City was impressive.
It will be close. But evil shall fall. Falcons win and cover 3.
Total Frat Moves
Virginia at Georgia Tech: Paul Johnson responded to the news of Notre Dame becoming a sorta ACC member as you would expect. He punched a leprechaun. All obnoxious little punks may be at risk if Johnson drops to 0-2 in the ACC for the first time. Also Al Groh. But no worries. Jackets cover 10½.
FAU at Georgia: Big week for Georgia. They get back two suspended players but still have to wait for two others, Bacarri Rambo and Alec Ogletree, who totally accidentally, mistakenly, keep eating the same pot brownies, thinking they were straight from Kroger. (Honest.) Half the team could be in leg chains this week, and it wouldn’t matter. Dogs win but take FAU and 43.
Georgia has had a problems with “Certain Substances”
Alabama at Pig Remnants: After losing to Louisiana-Monroe, Arkansas coach John L. Smith needed a rallying cry. He settled on: “We’re still undefeated in the league.” Now there’s a statement with a limited shelf life. The laughter continues: Tide covers 20.
Florida at Tennessee: Vols quarterback Tyler Bray got a tattoo of his name across his back — and the letters in stars. OK. So now we know he can’t audible. Take Florida and 3 and the Gators in a straight upset.
La.-Monroe at Auburn: The NCAA continues to hover over Auburn. Now it’s about a recruit (Jovon Robinson) having his high school transcript altered, which led to him being declared academically ineligible. I’m not declaring guilt or innocence here. But given the amount of time NCAA investigators spend in Auburn, wouldn’t buying a condo save on hotel costs? Tigers win, but take ULM and 16½.
Wake Forest at FSU: Wake has won four of the past six meetings, including last season as a 10-point underdog. I hate research: Clouds the judgment. Seminoles cover 28.
USC at Stanford: Lane Kiffin banned a reporter from practice and “suspended” his credential for a home game for reporting (accurately) that a Trojans kicker underwent knee surgery. Kiffin doesn’t want any medical news to get out. Like that metal plate in his head, for example. (Postscript: The school reversed the decision and told Kiffin no cartoons for a week.) Trojans win, but give me Stanford and 8.
Maybe Lane just got the wrong brain
Saints at Panthers: The Saints’ defense allowed 40 points in their season opener to the Redskins. The good news is they don’t have to convince anybody that the bounty program is over. Feeling an upset: Take the 2½, but Carolina wins straight up.
Ravens at Eagles: Michael Vick threw four interceptions in Game 1. Somewhere in Philadelphia, there are a roomful of lawyers looking for an escape route in his $100 million contract. Take the 2½ and Baltimore in a mild upset.
Bucs at N.Y. Giants: The defending Super Bowl champions lost their season opener. Tom Coughlin firing rumors start in 3…2…1… Giants cover 7½.
Lions at 49ers: Jim Harbaugh promises if the 49ers win he won’t give Jim Schwartz another semi-assault handshake like he did last season. Maybe a pile-driver this time. San Francisco covers 6½.
“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” – W.C. Fields.
Last week: 7-4 straight up, 7-4 against the line.
Season to date: 17-5 straight up, 14-8 against the line.
“Sack Schultz” update: Nicholas Norys (Dacula) and Petr Kasparek (Harrison, Ark.) were the weekly winners, each going 13-2. Punks. Contest is still open for a chance to win game tickets and a trip to Hawaii. Go to AJC.com/go/sackschultz2012.
Lilly’s Pick of the Week: The mutt is 1-1. This week’s race for the biscuit was between the Falcons and Broncos. I put up pictures of Matt Ryan and Peyton Manning. She didn’t hesitate: Manning and Broncos win.
By Jeff Schultz
– Previous episodes of Weekend Predictions: Click here
– To win $1 million, click here (again … again …)
Recent past episodes (no charge):