Weekend Predictions: Dogs yes, Jackets no, Hawaii (duh)

picks 007

(Updated)

Because Jim Donnan needs a little investment advice (and possibly a mallet to the head), because we’re either in the midst of economic recovery or one hiccup away from all sweeping streets in a Habitrail (depending on political affiliation, or whether Donnan has you on speed dial), and because Bobby Petrino was kind enough to give me another full season’s worth of material (”Watch me cry. Where’s camera 2?”) . . .

Hello. I am back.

Don’t worry. Your money is safe here. We rely neither on Jim Donnan’s economic indicators nor Todd Akin’s wealth of knowledge about the human anatomy  (”Two Pop Tarts before sex is a proven contraception method, and if you forget you can still do the Royal Zulu Dance to prevent pregnancy. Hey, where’d everybody go?”)

Jim Donnan carries his imaginary pot of gold.

Jim Donnan carries his imaginary pot of gold.

Weekend Predictions returns every year because we have a proven method of success. We don’t do market research. We don’t care about tendencies. Actually, we try to avoid facts all together. Details. Feh.

For newbies, this is how it works. Every week, I give you the winners. It’s just your job to find them. What you may think is a complete whiff on a pick in reality was a deliberate errant selection to throw off competing investment firms. By now, you should have received your Weekend Predictions Decoding Kit in the mail, which will enable you to tell the good picks from the “bad” ones. If not, please send $237.50 (cash) and I’ll get that out to you. If you’re not satisfied, keep the paring knife as a gift.

Before getting to the picks, here’s the really big announcement: “Sack Schultz” is back! You, yes, you — no, not you, the other guy — can win a $5,000 trip to Hawaii, tickets to the Georgia-Georgia Tech game with a hotel stay in Athens, Chick-fil-A Bowl tickets, $100 restaurant gift cards and Fatheads. Just pick the winners among 15 games each week, and those with the most wins wins. Register at AJC.com/go/sackschultz2012. But hurry because the sooner you enter, the better chance you have to win.

About Georgia: The Dogs open this week with yoga class. Seriously. Buffalo? Actually, that make that SUNY-Buffalo. Is that a team or a life insurance company?

Some players will sit out with suspensions. Coach Mark Richt won’t say which ones or how many, possibly out of concern the line might drop from 37½ to 37 3/8. I was tempted to dance with the points here but something tells me this one gets ugly. Dogs win and cover.

Oh my God. I talk.

The Late Show

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech: ACC presidents are so committed to academics that they endorsed ESPN moving this game to late Monday night, ensuring that sleepless Tech “student”-athletes will land back in Atlanta Tuesday morning and still be walking into classroom walls on Wednesday. As always, ESPN will leave the cash on the nightstand. Reform, my patootie. The Jackets will be good, but playing their toughest conference game in Week 1 probably wouldn’t have been Paul Johnson’s first choice. Hokies cover 7½.

* * * Thursday Internet-Only Specials * * *

S.C. State at Georgia State: The Panthers won their first two season openers by a combined score of 82-14. That would mean something if the opponents weren’t Shorter and Clark Atlanta. South Carolina State is a step up. But GSU can run the ball, and far be it for me to go against the Bill Curry Final Season Mojo. GSU wins (no line).

South Carolina at Vanderbilt: South Carolina’s Connor Shaw was the SEC’s second highest rated quarterback last year. His score: 148.3. Vanderbilt’s Jordan Rodgers dressed up as a cheerleader the other day. His score: 6.2. Hairy legs. Check? Gamecocks cover 6½.

Value Menu

(With two picks, you get a free inflated test score from Emory.)

Tennessee gathers for a recent team photo.

Tennessee gathers for a recent team photo.

Tennessee vs. N.C. State: Derek Dooley is 4-12 in the SEC and ended last season by losing to Kentucky for the first time in 27 years. But there is good news: When Dooley goes back to practicing law, he can defend all of the geranium recruits he had to suspend or throw off the team. (I’d say more but Barbara might punch me.) Vols cover 3.

Clemson vs. Auburn: Gene Chizik went 8-0 in the SEC with Cam Newton as his quarterback and 7-9 without him. That at least partially explains why offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn fled for a lower-paying job at Arkansas State, or possibly a Citgo in Pine Bluff, I can’t remember which. The defensive coordinator also left. Welcome to scapegoat central. Clemson covers 3½.

Michigan at Alabama: The last time Alabama lost to a non-SEC opponent was Utah in the 2008 Sugar Bowl. The Tide is 36-4 since with two BCS titles. Michigan coach Brady Hoke was a huge Lynyrd Skynyrd fan as a kid, but I’m guessing that by the 37th time he hears, “Sweet Home Alabama” on Saturday he’ll be siding with Neil Young. Tide covers 13½.

Jacksonville State at Arkansas: Remember all of those zombie movies when soul-less corpses would wander through streets and shopping malls, looking lost and hopeless? That’s what it’s looked like in Fayetteville since Bobby Petrino fell off a motorcycle with his tall, blonde, mid-life crisis toy. Arkansas officials have told Piggy zombie fans that they’re willing to refund money for season tickets, but they will not be voiding any deals for souls. Damn those marriages made in hell. Arkansas by two touchdowns. (No line.)

Night of the Living Dead Razorbacks (Jessica Dorrell appears at :31)

Miami at Boston College: Miami coach Al Golden on the weather in south Florida: “It feels like we’ve been in a storm for 19 months. I feel like Lieutenant Dan on a shrimp boat.” Cute. Except he left out the part about Nevin Shapiro owning the boat. Canes cover 2.

North Texas at LSU: Buffalo, Bowling Green, North Texas -- was Alderaan the only small peaceful planet the SEC missed is scheduling this week? Tigers win but I’ll dance with North Texas and the 43 points.

Kentucky at Louisville: Charlie Strong is turning into a pretty good head coach. Hopefully one day Rick Pitino spills his soup on him and somebody in Louisville will actually notice him. Cardinals cover 13½.

Financial review

football-gambling

“In a bet there is a fool and a thief.” — Proverb

2011: Last year, our little enterprise went 125-51 straight up (with upsets) and 102-72-2 against the line.

2012: Still undefeated.

Lilly Pick of the Week: My dog will pick one game among “Sack Schultz” games. This week it’s the Tech game. She struggled. No, seriously. I put pieces of salami under “Virginia Tech” and “Georgia Tech” signs and she sat on the floor for five minutes, just staring. So we added biscuits, and then she attacked. My dog has gone vegan. Winner: Virginia Tech (-7½).

Lilly in deep thought (or lazy).

Lilly in deep thought (or lazy).

Finally she picks Hokies (and then looks at Jackets).

Finally she picks Hokies (and then looks at Jackets).

By Jeff Schultz

Some selections from the jukebox

Paul Johnson will defend Tech’s offense, but not defense

Countdown: Vandy’s she-QB, ESPN’s ‘power,’ creepy bobble

Video blog: Talking Georgia, Georgia Tech, ‘Sack Schultz’

College football, Week 1: Somehow it keeps getting better

Predicting Georgia Tech’s season, game-by-game

Isaiah Crowell ‘happy,’ seeking fresh start at Alabama State

“Sack Schultz 2012″: Hawaii, tickets, gift cards … I want it all!

Da’Rick Rogers suspended, and Dooley still cleaning up

Now on Internet: It’s Mike Vick Injury Bingo! (ouch)

MLB’s drug policy too soft — teams should be docked wins

NFL is damaging its own product with replacement officials

207 comments Add your comment

Hankie Aron

August 30th, 2012
10:04 am

Thanks Mr. Schultzie- thanks for the laughs

Hankie Aron

August 30th, 2012
10:05 am

Lilly dog is really cute also

Taylor Wooten

August 30th, 2012
10:08 am

Dang…youre a Yankee. Where YOU from??

Mike Bell 790

August 30th, 2012
10:11 am

CC

August 30th, 2012
10:19 am

Tech is going to get spanked.

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

Ah, the internet...

August 30th, 2012
10:22 am

Schultz… please stop saying “backslash” in your web addresses… It makes all your Techie readers cringe and think there’s something funny in Lilly’s dog biscuits. A simple “slash” will suffice…

Buckeye

August 30th, 2012
10:23 am

Vandy over Gamecocks!

dogs hump buffloes, run up score and claim #1

Steve

August 30th, 2012
10:24 am

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

dacula dawg

August 30th, 2012
10:29 am

Love your stuff, Schultzie. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Larry Nalls

August 30th, 2012
10:36 am

You, Jeff, are a funny man!

GIVE ME A BREAK

August 30th, 2012
10:38 am

People think that UGA will play for the NC and they open with Buffalo.

UGA Owns Tech

August 30th, 2012
10:42 am

I agree with ya Schultzie!

UGA Owns Tech

August 30th, 2012
10:44 am

Tired of hearing about UGA’s schedule…take a look at USC’s. No one on ESPN is talking about how easy theirs is. And to all you Tech fans, you play in the ACC (=joke) so you have no room to talk!

Tide Rising

August 30th, 2012
10:45 am

Jeff,

I’m going to experiment this year with some play money and use your picks along with Oscar’s grind to see where I end up at the end of the year. I’ll let you know how it goes. Should be interesting. At the end I’ll either be sending you that $237.50 in cash or I’ll want to git after ya like a pack a wild hyenas- JK.

Tide Rising

August 30th, 2012
10:47 am

UGA owns Tech,

South Carolina plays top 10 Arkansas out of the west if I’m not mistaken. That’s a tough one. And that game was the difference last year in Carolina not winning the east and Georgia winning it.

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

Chuck

August 30th, 2012
10:56 am

All Tennessee needs to do to complete their fall from grace is fire Dooley and hire Petrino.

GT University....Starbury

August 30th, 2012
10:59 am

All those techsters are going to sleep walk through their tutoring sessions for managment?

GFY

August 30th, 2012
11:01 am

Well ol’ Petrino has proven he can call up a hog…..let’s see if he can remember the rendition of Rocky Top….

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

Hankie Aron

August 30th, 2012
11:03 am

Tide Rising,

South Carolina plays top 10 Arkansas out of the west if I’m not mistaken. That’s a tough one. And that game was the difference last year in Carolina not winning the east and Georgia winning it.

And LSU is still 1-1 against Napoleon and Mulligan U waiting on their rubber match

John Heisman

August 30th, 2012
11:04 am

Team picture of UTee was a pretty good zinger Jeff!

“It’s better to die as a young child than to fumble the football”

HUH?????

August 30th, 2012
11:10 am

Guess Jeff still doesn’t realize that Roof left Auburn because he was about to get fired. Gus left because his offense can’t work without Cam Newton.

ClemPson is highly overrated and don’t be shocked if Auburn wins. BVG is a great defensive coach and that ClemPson team will not put up numbers like they did last year.

Sucks to be Jeff.

HUH?????

August 30th, 2012
11:12 am

“Tired of hearing about UGA’s schedule…take a look at USC’s. ”

USC’s conference sucks. UGA’s conference is fantastic. It’s just that UGA doesn’t play any of the great teams like LSU and Bama.

Scott

August 30th, 2012
11:13 am

UGA does not control who the play from the SEC West, next year they play Alabama. Everyone has these easy non conference games. Maybe UGA should drop Tech and play a real team!

HUH?????

August 30th, 2012
11:13 am

BTW Jeff, you DO realize that Auburn’s offensive coordinator is Tom Brady’s personal QB coach, right? The guy has coached 6 NFL QB’s in his time. Brady was down in Auburn during the summer training with him.

Also, since you’re a Falcons cheerleader, BVG is now Auburn’s defensive guru. Not his fault the crappy dirty birds can’t score on offense.

HUH?????

August 30th, 2012
11:14 am

“next year they play Alabama.”

Auburn and LSU play them every year.

Flo-Ri-Duh

August 30th, 2012
11:16 am

Upset Alert: Vanderbilt over the Game Clucks by 4. Lattimore will play but carry the ball less than 20 times. He won’t be back to full strength for 6 more months. Game Clucks best receiver will be a true freshman. Spurrier has supreme confidence his team will win – good.

HUH?????

August 30th, 2012
11:17 am

“My dog will pick one game among “Sack Schultz” games. ”

Your dog has a higher IQ than you.

Buckeye

August 30th, 2012
11:17 am

Crowell owns Bama

Spanky

August 30th, 2012
11:18 am

”Watch me cry. Where’s camera 2?”…LOL!! Awesome!

BTW- Schultzy, I think you are dead-the-f-on with the picks, but I wanted to read your take on the scab-refs officiating NFL -week 1. I picture Cuba Gooding Jr. in the movie “Rat Race”.

HUH?????

August 30th, 2012
11:18 am

“Crowell owns Bama”

In fantasy football?

Goldenrod

August 30th, 2012
11:20 am

I hate you Shultz! You are always HATIN’ on my Jackets, but we’re going to shock the college football world this fall and We Will Run This State!

David C

August 30th, 2012
11:21 am

Looks like great minds think a like. I picked the exact same teams to win. Glad to see Football Season is now upon us.

Richard Williams

August 30th, 2012
11:23 am

So Lilly is the power behind the throne!

i don't want no stinkin salami

August 30th, 2012
11:35 am

win a trip to the copacabana…..sack shultz’ dog

Spanky

August 30th, 2012
11:36 am

Goldenrod…”shock the college football world?…you mean by winning?? LOL!! ..I guess that’s why we call you “Joke by the Coke”!! I mean, seriously! With that defense, I’ll be shocked if the Hokies aren’t running up the score in the 4th!

www

August 30th, 2012
11:38 am

the dog in the pics probably knows as much about football as schultz.

vt over gt?

tenn over nc state?

gtfoh.

Rodster

August 30th, 2012
11:41 am

Jeff, hilarious column as always. Very nice. You didn’t call Michigan State and Boise State?

glass houses

August 30th, 2012
11:45 am

Who does lsu open against? oh yeah
schedules are cyclical and every team plays their share of high schools.
some years are tougher than others….is that a revelation to anyone? pick any school and they will have had their tough schedules and years of easy schedules depending on how good opponents were in that particular year. not very long ago the sec west was horrible and mocked. while the sec east was considered a beast. just teams going through cycles. happens everywhere.

GStateBen

August 30th, 2012
11:52 am

Jeff.. you coming to the Dome tonight?

The Daughter

August 30th, 2012
11:54 am

BravesFan79

August 30th, 2012
11:54 am

Your dogs a Traitor! ….. Arrgggg. Lets go GT!

The Daughter

August 30th, 2012
11:55 am

& the jackets will never run this state.

that’s all.

Sam

August 30th, 2012
11:55 am

Hankie Aaron

I love that you said the dog is cute. One picture is the back of the dog’s head, while the other is it’s butt. Nice.

dick wiskey

August 30th, 2012
11:56 am

gene chizik’s record with cam newton 13-0,without cam newton 12-32

SEC Fact Finder

August 30th, 2012
11:56 am

Jeff,

Nice of you to get the ” Family” involved in the picks. I am sure Lily is happy to keep giving you help in making your picks each week…

Good Job Jeff!