Countdown: Vandy’s she-QB, ESPN’s ‘power,’ creepy bobble

Here's Jerry and I walking out of Schwab's.

So I was a young bat with stars in my beady eyes, sitting at the soda counter next to Lana Turner (tramp) at Schwab’s Pharmacy on Sunset when this guy named Jerry approaches me and asks, “How much would a 12 percent tip be on cheeseburger and a plasma float?” And right away I responded, “$1.27.” Soon after, Jerry said he would help cast me in a new TV show, and there was even a chance I could become the show’s star because all I had to do was beat out a green frog who for some reason had a thing for a pig, and even in Hollywood, I’m thinking, “Really? A frog and a pig?” Alas, the unpredictable whims of  5-year-olds left me with a supporting role. But at least I’m here to say: It’s time to count down . . .

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10. Goodbye to my mentor, my fingers

The Count has been overwhelmed (and somewhat amused) by the number of people who have sent “condolences” on email, Twitter and Facebook — I have yet to check messages via Ouija board — since the passing of Jerry Nelson. He was a puppeteer for the Muppets who gave me my cues at Sesame Street. The Count would like to take this opportunity to thank Jerry for never suing him for using my unauthorized likeness, given I sold my rights away before I had adequate legal representation. We also should acknowledged that as Jerry was a Massachusetts resident, it’s comforting to know he’s in a better place now than when he was in front of his TV watching the Red Sox implode.

The Elevator Operator: I beat out Jerry Lewis for this part

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9. Nevermind about Vandy uprising: QB wears a dress

It's Jordan Rodgers, starring in: "Vandy Gender Swap."

You know, I really thought Vanderbilt had started to make some strides under coach James Franklin. But then the Commodores starting quarterback, Jordan Rodgers, the sibling (brother/sister?) of Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers, recently dressed up as a cheerleader and even proudly posed for a picture as permanent photographic evidence. I bring this up now for two reasons: 1) Vanderbilt is a fine academic institution, but there are some things a parent should know before letting their child attend there. Maybe I’m prejudice but I just don’t want my kid going to a school where the quarterback wears a dress; 2) Vandy plays South Carolina this week, and I’m sensing a big move in the point spread. Also can’t wait to hear what Todd Grantham yells from the sideline the next time Vandy plays Georgia. Via Outkickthecoverage.

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8. The bobblehead craze gets a little, uh, creepy

It's Gooby and the "Bobble Baby." (Really?)

Sports bobbleheads can be popular. The recent Chipper Jones one is going for as high as $65 on eBay (or $300 autographed, allegedly). But this promotion borders on creepy. The Bradenton (Fla.) Marauders, a Class A affiliate of the Pittsburgh Pirates, will have a “Babies on Deck” night on Saturday. (This originally was scheduled for Tuesday but the threat of a hurricane prompted a delay, and I guess team officials didn’t want to induce labor. Hah! See what I did there? Anyway…) The centerpiece of this promotion for expectant mothers is a “Bobble Babies” giveaway. It commemorates the night last February when team director of operations Trevor Gooby delivered the baby from a  fan, Latisha Kirk, who went into labor five weeks early. Gooby summarizes: “We were waiting for the ambulance, and she kept saying, ‘This baby’s coming. She gave one push, the baby came out and I caught it. I did my best [Andrew] McCutchen impersonation.” Funny. Great story to share with family for years. But who wants to see this on a bookshelf?

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7. Dateline: Croatia (and this week’s moment of insanity)

The Count searches the globe for the greatest and possibly most idiotic sports events known to mankind. Unfortunately, all we found this week was a female tightrope walker crossing on a wire from one speeding truck to the other while approaching a tunnel that could possibly behead her. Wait. What?

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6. Will this be a burial or a scattering of ashes in the Hudson?

So I guess we can assume this isn't a formal affair.

Notwithstanding that we’re all sick of Tim Tebow, and notwithstanding that ESPN spends far too much time chronicling the New York Jets, and notwithstanding that the last thing I want to hear is another Rex Ryan foot fetish joke — actually, scratch that last one — you gotta love this picture. Via SportsNetNY.

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5. The minds of Rick Neuheisel and other Lost Boys

Oh you silly, silly man . . .

Do you know why the SEC has won six straight BCS titles and eight of 14 overall, when only one other conference (Big) even has two? It’s not because the SEC has the best coaches. Or the best players. Or generally the most physical teams that play the best defense. Nope, it’s actually because of ESPN. This is what  former (fired) UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel told Tom Hoffarth of the Los Angeles Daily News: “You wonder how the SEC became so powerful? It’s a direct correlation to how ESPN has been talking them up over the years, because they have a financial interest in them. So all the sudden, it’s a monster conference.” Neuheisel now works for the Pac-12 Network. I’m not sure if his show will come on before or after SpongeBob. TV coverage can play a role in conference strength: Exposure helps in recruiting. Revenue helps everything. But Neuheisel’s analysis qualifies  humorously mutant overstatement. The Pacific 12 has a 12-year, $3 billion rights deal with ESPN. So should we expect a string of national titles out west? ESPN also has a major rights deal with the ACC. Further, the SEC’s biggest games aren’t even on ESPN — they’re on CBS. We believe Neuheisel’s ramblings qualify as further medical evidence that losing four games to USC by a combined score of 134-28 does strange things to a man’s theories.

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4. Step 1: Forget powerlessness, Dez.

Is there also moratorium on press conferences with mom?

The Count admits: Losing a fang has always been traumatic and he believed in the Tooth Fairy until he was, like, I dunno, 237. But nobody lives in fantasy land like Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. So let me understand this: The Cowboys have told Dez Bryant that he can’t drink, he can’t go to strip clubs and he has to be home by a midnight curfew, because, we can safely assume, he drinks too much, he goes to strip clubs too often and he’s NEVER home by midnight. (Aspiring journalists: This is a short-hand version of, “Interpretive Reporting.”) Is this really supposed to work? Because if all it takes to stop somebody with a drinking problem is for Jones to scream, “Stop!” I guess that whole 12-step and humility thing is a complete waste of time. Maybe next, Jones can simply give edicts to convicted felons. Or world dictators. Or Congress. On a related note, did Jones also ask Bryant to stop assaulting his mother, because the player has been accused of that, too.

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3. While we’re on the subject of Jerry Jones . . .

Oh, woe be the ramblings of delusional old white men who hitch their wagons to Tony Romo (and Dez Bryant) and are forced to suffer the consequences. Question: Who at Papa John’s got paid to think of this commercial, and did they really come to the conclusion: “Wait! If we have Jerry Jones rap, that would totally make people like our pizza!” Feh.

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2. NFL divas — don’t give up hope!

Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson and Plaxico Burress — at one time the apple of every NFL fantasy player’s eyes — all are out of work. Owens hasn’t given up hope for employment. But unless JobsDirectUSA.com owns a football team, I don’t think this Twitter exchange he had with the company Monday is going to help. (Postscript: Owens has deleted his Tweet on his timeline but the exchange lives on @JobsDirectUSA.) Via BlackSportsOnline

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1. And finally . . .

Two football players at Ball State — get ready for the easy jokes — were arrested for shoplifting male enhancement pills. Question: Should this be factored into match-ups for the Eastern Michigan game? The players are defensive end Jonathan Newsome and running back Toney Williams. Newsome apparently has some other legal issues, like possession of marijuana and driving with an expired license. But the locker room jokes won’t center on those incidents. We’re all efforting to discern what NCAA drug enforcement considers a “performance-enhancing” product.

By Jeff Schultz

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Some selections from the jukebox

– Video blog: Talking Georgia, Georgia Tech, ‘Sack Schultz’

– College football, Week 1: Somehow it keeps getting better

– Predicting Georgia Tech’s season, game-by-game

– Isaiah Crowell ‘happy,’ seeking fresh start at Alabama State

– “Sack Schultz 2012″: Hawaii, tickets, gift cards … I want it all!

– Da’Rick Rogers suspended, and Dooley still cleaning up

– Now on Internet: It’s Mike Vick Injury Bingo! (ouch)

– MLB’s drug policy too soft — teams should be docked wins

– NFL is damaging its own product with replacement officials