Countdown: Vandy’s she-QB, ESPN’s ‘power,’ creepy bobble

Here's Jerry and I walking out of Schwab's.

Here's Jerry and I walking out of Schwab's.

So I was a young bat with stars in my beady eyes, sitting at the soda counter next to Lana Turner (tramp) at Schwab’s Pharmacy on Sunset when this guy named Jerry approaches me and asks, “How much would a 12 percent tip be on cheeseburger and a plasma float?” And right away I responded, “$1.27.” Soon after, Jerry said he would help cast me in a new TV show, and there was even a chance I could become the show’s star because all I had to do was beat out a green frog who for some reason had a thing for a pig, and even in Hollywood, I’m thinking, “Really? A frog and a pig?” Alas, the unpredictable whims of  5-year-olds left me with a supporting role. But at least I’m here to say: It’s time to count down . . .

10. Goodbye to my mentor, my fingers

The Count has been overwhelmed (and somewhat amused) by the number of people who have sent “condolences” on email, Twitter and Facebook — I have yet to check messages via Ouija board — since the passing of Jerry Nelson. He was a puppeteer for the Muppets who gave me my cues at Sesame Street. The Count would like to take this opportunity to thank Jerry for never suing him for using my unauthorized likeness, given I sold my rights away before I had adequate legal representation. We also should acknowledged that as Jerry was a Massachusetts resident, it’s comforting to know he’s in a better place now than when he was in front of his TV watching the Red Sox implode.

The Elevator Operator: I beat out Jerry Lewis for this part

9. Nevermind about Vandy uprising: QB wears a dress

Jordan Rodgers, starring in: "Vandy Gender Swap."

It's Jordan Rodgers, starring in: "Vandy Gender Swap."

You know, I really thought Vanderbilt had started to make some strides under coach James Franklin. But then the Commodores starting quarterback, Jordan Rodgers, the sibling (brother/sister?) of Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers, recently dressed up as a cheerleader and even proudly posed for a picture as permanent photographic evidence. I bring this up now for two reasons: 1) Vanderbilt is a fine academic institution, but there are some things a parent should know before letting their child attend there. Maybe I’m prejudice but I just don’t want my kid going to a school where the quarterback wears a dress; 2) Vandy plays South Carolina this week, and I’m sensing a big move in the point spread. Also can’t wait to hear what Todd Grantham yells from the sideline the next time Vandy plays Georgia. Via Outkickthecoverage.

8. The bobblehead craze gets a little, uh, creepy

Gooby and the "Bobble Baby." (Cover your eyes.)

It's Gooby and the "Bobble Baby." (Really?)

Sports bobbleheads can be popular. The recent Chipper Jones one is going for as high as $65 on eBay (or $300 autographed, allegedly). But this promotion borders on creepy. The Bradenton (Fla.) Marauders, a Class A affiliate of the Pittsburgh Pirates, will have a “Babies on Deck” night on Saturday. (This originally was scheduled for Tuesday but the threat of a hurricane prompted a delay, and I guess team officials didn’t want to induce labor. Hah! See what I did there? Anyway…) The centerpiece of this promotion for expectant mothers is a “Bobble Babies” giveaway. It commemorates the night last February when team director of operations Trevor Gooby delivered the baby from a  fan, Latisha Kirk, who went into labor five weeks early. Gooby summarizes: “We were waiting for the ambulance, and she kept saying, ‘This baby’s coming. She gave one push, the baby came out and I caught it. I did my best [Andrew] McCutchen impersonation.” Funny. Great story to share with family for years. But who wants to see this on a bookshelf?

7. Dateline: Croatia (and this week’s moment of insanity)

The Count searches the globe for the greatest and possibly most idiotic sports events known to mankind. Unfortunately, all we found this week was a female tightrope walker crossing on a wire from one speeding truck to the other while approaching a tunnel that could possibly behead her. Wait. What?

6. Will this be a burial or a scattering of ashes in the Hudson?

So we can assume this isn't a formal affair?

So I guess we can assume this isn't a formal affair.

Notwithstanding that we’re all sick of Tim Tebow, and notwithstanding that ESPN spends far too much time chronicling the New York Jets, and notwithstanding that the last thing I want to hear is another Rex Ryan foot fetish joke — actually, scratch that last one — you gotta love this picture. Via SportsNetNY.

5. The minds of Rick Neuheisel and other Lost Boys

Oh you silly, silly man . . .

Oh you silly, silly man . . .

Do you know why the SEC has won six straight BCS titles and eight of 14 overall, when only one other conference (Big) even has two? It’s not because the SEC has the best coaches. Or the best players. Or generally the most physical teams that play the best defense. Nope, it’s actually because of ESPN. This is what  former (fired) UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel told Tom Hoffarth of the Los Angeles Daily News: “You wonder how the SEC became so powerful? It’s a direct correlation to how ESPN has been talking them up over the years, because they have a financial interest in them. So all the sudden, it’s a monster conference.” Neuheisel now works for the Pac-12 Network. I’m not sure if his show will come on before or after SpongeBob. TV coverage can play a role in conference strength: Exposure helps in recruiting. Revenue helps everything. But Neuheisel’s analysis qualifies  humorously mutant overstatement. The Pacific 12 has a 12-year, $3 billion rights deal with ESPN. So should we expect a string of national titles out west? ESPN also has a major rights deal with the ACC. Further, the SEC’s biggest games aren’t even on ESPN — they’re on CBS. We believe Neuheisel’s ramblings qualify as further medical evidence that losing four games to USC by a combined score of 134-28 does strange things to a man’s theories.

4. Step 1: Forget powerlessness, Dez.

Is there also moritorium on press conferences with mom?

Is there also moratorium on press conferences with mom?

The Count admits: Losing a fang has always been traumatic and he believed in the Tooth Fairy until he was, like, I dunno, 237. But nobody lives in fantasy land like Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. So let me understand this: The Cowboys have told Dez Bryant that he can’t drink, he can’t go to strip clubs and he has to be home by a midnight curfew, because, we can safely assume, he drinks too much, he goes to strip clubs too often and he’s NEVER home by midnight. (Aspiring journalists: This is a short-hand version of, “Interpretive Reporting.”) Is this really supposed to work? Because if all it takes to stop somebody with a drinking problem is for Jones to scream, “Stop!” I guess that whole 12-step and humility thing is a complete waste of time. Maybe next, Jones can simply give edicts to convicted felons. Or world dictators. Or Congress. On a related note, did Jones also ask Bryant to stop assaulting his mother, because the player has been accused of that, too.

3. While we’re on the subject of Jerry Jones . . .

Oh, woe be the ramblings of delusional old white men who hitch their wagons to Tony Romo (and Dez Bryant) and are forced to suffer the consequences. Question: Who at Papa John’s got paid to think of this commercial, and did they really come to the conclusion: “Wait! If we have Jerry Jones rap, that would totally make people like our pizza!” Feh.

2. NFL divas — don’t give up hope!

Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson and Plaxico Burress — at one time the apple of every NFL fantasy player’s eyes — all are out of work. Owens hasn’t given up hope for employment. But unless JobsDirectUSA.com owns a football team, I don’t think this Twitter exchange he had with the company Monday is going to help. (Postscript: Owens has deleted his Tweet on his timeline but the exchange lives on @JobsDirectUSA.) Via BlackSportsOnline

terrell-owens-jobs

1. And finally . . .

We're not sure if this should be factored into matchups for the Eastern game.

Two football players at Ball State — get ready for the easy jokes — were arrested for shoplifting male enhancement pills. Question: Should this be factored into match-ups for the Eastern Michigan game? The players are defensive end Jonathan Newsome and running back Toney Williams. Newsome apparently has some other legal issues, like possession of marijuana and driving with an expired license. But the locker room jokes won’t center on those incidents. We’re all efforting to discern what NCAA drug enforcement considers a “performance-enhancing” product.

By Jeff Schultz

Some selections from the jukebox

Video blog: Talking Georgia, Georgia Tech, ‘Sack Schultz’

College football, Week 1: Somehow it keeps getting better

Predicting Georgia Tech’s season, game-by-game

Isaiah Crowell ‘happy,’ seeking fresh start at Alabama State

“Sack Schultz 2012″: Hawaii, tickets, gift cards … I want it all!

Da’Rick Rogers suspended, and Dooley still cleaning up

Now on Internet: It’s Mike Vick Injury Bingo! (ouch)

MLB’s drug policy too soft — teams should be docked wins

NFL is damaging its own product with replacement officials

73 comments Add your comment

juvenal

August 28th, 2012
8:50 am

juvenal

August 28th, 2012
8:51 am

truly eclectic, Jeff…

Drunkdawg

August 28th, 2012
8:59 am

Jeff- nit a big Uga fan huh? And u write for the Ajc…brilliant

Vince

August 28th, 2012
9:06 am

Nicely done, Mr. Schultz !!

flamboyant upset

August 28th, 2012
9:07 am

Jackets over Hokies.

PMC

August 28th, 2012
9:20 am

If all ESPN had to do is to talk about you to make you great, the NY Jets would be the Pittsburgh Steelers, The Arena League wouldn’t have folded and Lane Kiffin would have won a championship already.

The top of the SEC is better than in other conferences becuase there are more very good teams in the SEC than there are in other leagues so when they play a team at the end that has equitable talent they don’t panic when they take a hit and they are ready for it.

SEC offenses haven’t been much to write home about but the defenses are much better across the board than anywhere else in college football.

If Nieuheisel/Mora whomever could even beat Stanford or Oregon or USC then maybe I’d listen. But UCLA is hot garbage and has been for quite a while now. If Nieuheisel could recruit like he did at Colorado… you know maybe they could win.

SimpleDawg

August 28th, 2012
9:24 am

I’m not sure where to start……

Ball State players and Extenze is a joke needing neither a base nor a punch line. It’s like the little boy, who when asked by the preacher what he knew about the resurrection, said, “If you have one that lasts more than 4 hours, you should call a doctor.”

Rick Neuheisel is also a joke…..and has been for 20 years. He’s the Todd Marinovich of coaching.

And of course, there’s Dez Bryant, who’s Momma just happened to walk in after Dez ate some Big Dave’s BBQ that was so good “it will make you Slap yo’ Momma”…… Having a curfew and behavior guidelines, makes him look like a juvenile delinquent. Only the Cowboys and Jerry Jones……

And The Count losing out in stardom shows how far a frog can go with the right pig behind him……just like Tony Montana said.

gt4ever

August 28th, 2012
9:33 am

Only at Vandy! Pathetic! SC sill beat them like a drum…

Dr. Phil

August 28th, 2012
9:34 am

Jerry Jones makes a better commercial for Papa John than Mitt Romney did. I doubt if either Jerry or Mitt ever took a bite.

Drago

August 28th, 2012
9:36 am

Lovin the stunt woman tightrope walker gal.

Agree Tebow is utterly unprepared for the NFL and Urban Meyer should be ashamed for using Tebow to win a couple of champshps, yet not preparing him for the NFL.

Rick N is wrong. If you look at the college football SEC surge, it can be traced to the hiring of a one Mark Richt. After Richt dominated the conference for a few years, teams panicked and starting hiring big time coaches who could compete.

Mark Richt is responsible for the SEC dominance.

Jekyll

August 28th, 2012
9:38 am

Is there a Guinness World Book of Stupid?

Drago

August 28th, 2012
9:38 am

The Count always delivers, great job Jeff!

gt4ever

August 28th, 2012
9:41 am

Hey, UGA may even beat Vandy this year…..

dean

August 28th, 2012
9:44 am

I think the dancing girl hurdler from the Olympics ought to be a permanent fixture on Countdown.

Speaking of bobbleheads, you can have my The Slide bobblehead when it is pried from my cold dead fingers!

5150 UOAD

August 28th, 2012
9:56 am

No ROE v WADE jokes?

I don’t care how people get out of New Orleans for Isaac but I would think Roeing would be faster.

The Count still has a VOICE with Schultz.

If you have facebook here is your Hottie for the day.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=270139563056391&set=a.270139036389777.58499.100001810481214&type=1&theater

Q

August 28th, 2012
9:57 am

They sure as hell will beat Tech.

Q

August 28th, 2012
10:00 am

This is the year UGA runs Manoobies out of town.

Q

August 28th, 2012
10:00 am

This is the year UGA runs Manoobies out of town.

Q

August 28th, 2012
10:00 am

Man, I love this new fangled AOL interweb thing. Nice blazer too Jeff.

Howard

August 28th, 2012
10:01 am

Jeff…a lot of folks out here like Tebow but like me we’re tired of the brothers Ryan being foistered on everyone as coaching material…at least Tebow has won football titles and games…what in the blue hell has Rex Ryan ever done…except eat whole bakeries and play toe suck with his wife. What does this guy have on the NFL?? Oh and I’m a bit disappointed you left Bobby Petrino off your listing!!!

gt4ever

August 28th, 2012
10:03 am

Hey Q, UGA might beat us, but it’s not a sure thing….

dean

August 28th, 2012
10:05 am

5150.
I don’t have facebook and I can see the transvestite just fine!

Ol' Ball Coach Dawg

August 28th, 2012
10:10 am

Mark Richt responsible for SEC dominance? ahh ha haha ha ha ahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha haahh ha haha ha ha click clack!

Brian

August 28th, 2012
10:14 am

I think ESPN needs to change to TWPN. Tiger can be ten shots back and ESPN will have a live look in. For what? They do give the Jets a lot of coverage but nothing tops Tiger. ESPN must have money invested in Tiger.

Q

August 28th, 2012
10:18 am

Nope, just checked. It’s a sure thing.

Brian

August 28th, 2012
10:18 am

5150 do they not teach you how to spell row at Tech? I understand it might be your sense of humor but it makes no sense. Troll

Taylor Wooten

August 28th, 2012
10:29 am

Funny! It seemed apparent to me that ESPN was pro Big 10 and Pac 10, and not all that “excited” over the SEC. They promote and talk up what contracts, leagues, teams they have deals with, bottom line.

Teblows

August 28th, 2012
10:30 am

it’s here! youoee! sexy time dawgers! i love a footba=ll rock and roll sexy time. hunker down you hairy backed dogs arf arf! aaron mcmurray for presidnert! i love in usa football beer sexy time tv/

iBall

August 28th, 2012
10:30 am

Jeff, is that the only story you could find about a Vandy football player? At least he goes to class & he is not a criminal. It’s a lot of good going on at Nashville!

dick whiskey

August 28th, 2012
10:33 am

jerry jones looks like walking death how old is he about 102

HUH?????

August 28th, 2012
10:39 am

“Urban Meyer should be ashamed for using Tebow to win a couple of champshps, yet not preparing him for the NFL.”

Typical UGA fan mentality. Vapid, ignorant and ridiculous.

5150 UOAD

August 28th, 2012
10:40 am

Brian
August 28th, 2012
10:18 am

5150 do they not teach you how to spell row at Tech? I understand it might be your sense of humor but it makes no sense. Troll
==================================

1. Fool you can’t TROLL a Schultz blog because he writes about all sports things.
2. it is ROE v WADE not ROW therefore Roeing not Rowing.
3. You are a good argument for ROE.

Really?

August 28th, 2012
10:42 am

Hey Brian – thanks for letting everyone know you’re an uncultured nitwit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roe_v._Wade

The Ghost of Wally Butts

August 28th, 2012
10:43 am

Did Susan Sarandon (you know, Bull Durham) teach Jordan Rodgers to wear that hot girly suit?

hell i thought the bobble headed

August 28th, 2012
10:43 am

chipper was holding the bobble head of his black illegitimate child.

5150 UOAD

August 28th, 2012
10:44 am

dean
August 28th, 2012
10:05 am

5150.
I don’t have facebook and I can see the transvestite just fine!
===========================================

You are a lil stupid if you think that is a tranny. Are you a Dwag fan? If you are i know you don’t know what a Lady looks like unless they are passed out drunk face down butt up.

She is a lot better looking than this UGa tranny.

http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/training-day/201201/college-footballs-strongest-cheerleader

UGA Insider

August 28th, 2012
10:56 am

“GOP spared by Isaac! NOLA prolly f—-again!”

-Samual Jackson

Invited by Greg McGarity to talk to football team last week.

Real nice work there Greg.

Buckeye

August 28th, 2012
10:58 am

The Vandy QB Rogers is ripped. He will take it to the dogs and cocks.

azdawg

August 28th, 2012
11:05 am

“Dude looks like a lady”

Buckeye

August 28th, 2012
11:10 am

Yes, I’m a “Dork Fish”

E$PN

August 28th, 2012
11:10 am

Neuheisel is an idiot, but in this case he has a point.

Georgiana Bulltiger

August 28th, 2012
11:18 am

Wow! A five-star combo for only $10.99?

Rodster

August 28th, 2012
11:29 am

Ah, go easy on Jerry. The commercial is kind of funny. Hate the Cowboys, don’t hate the playa.

dean

August 28th, 2012
11:41 am

5150,

I was a Tech fan for a long time while growing up in ATL. My dad took me to many games or just gave me the tickets. I finally got to attend at GT-UGA game. After that game I changed my allegiance to UGA since they played REAL football. Thanks for asking.

jeffrey d

August 28th, 2012
11:45 am

Why is it that every college football fan thinks every writer for every publication is against their team?

5150 UOAD

August 28th, 2012
12:07 pm

dean…How many marriages are you on if you change favorites that easy.

dean

August 28th, 2012
12:12 pm

I wasn’t married to Tech, 5150. It was just in the neighborhood.

Pitbull

August 28th, 2012
12:20 pm

Regarding Jordan Rodgers, leave her alone.

Its not nice to pick on girls, other than the Tech football team.

5150 UOAD

August 28th, 2012
12:42 pm

Wasn’t married to Tech but now married to UGa……..Sounds like most UGa fans. never stepped in a classroom or in the stadium but some how think they are DWAGS. It must be a GED/state of Georgia government school education kinds thing. ;)

Georgian in exile

August 28th, 2012
12:43 pm

SEC dominates college football due to one simple factor: SEC schools cheat better than other conferences cheat. Now that Urban Meyer is at Ohio State and Lane Kiffin at SoCal, expect to see Big/Pac 10-12-14-19-whatever schools start to narrrow the gap.