Countdown: Mizzou paranoia, Mora rant and Auburn (again)

School time means counting time!

The Count never liked back-to-school sales as a young winged mammal. Back-to-school sales meant going back to school. Also getting out of bed. Also going to Sears instead of the cool dudes store and, “No mom, I don’t think that shirt hanging by the deluxe set of 68 screwdrivers and drill bits is cute. Can we go now?” But now back-to-school stuff is great, because we get things like spies in sports bras at Missouri football practice, and Jim Mora trying to feign innocence at UCLA, and more potential problems at Auburn. Here we go again. We count down . . .

•

10. Is that just a clever disguise?

Capt. Gary Pinkel Queeg: "Ahh, but the strawberries. That's where I had them. They laughed at me but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with geometric logic... Hello?"

Lilly is hoping for some company.

The paranoia of football coaches never ceases to amaze the Count. The Falcons, like every NFL team, doesn’t want media to report on certain things in practices and often shoos local TV news crews off the field during  parts of practice (even though there are fans with flip cams on the hillside pushing “record”). I used to watch the 49ers practice back in the day when the king of paranoia, Bill Walsh, presided. We would whisper to each other on the sideline, “Sssshhh. Montana is throwing to No. 80.” Walsh never thought that was funny. Anyway, I bring this up because Missouri coach Gary Pinkel seems to be getting a little paranoid before his first SEC game against Georgia. The Tigers were holding practice the other day and noticed two lovely coeds running the stadium steps. He had an assistant coach chase them out. The photo was snapped by Eric Blumberg of KOMU-TV. We don’t know if Pinkel thought the young women were spies or figured might just be distracting his players. In either case: Really? If things are that fragile, Mizzou is going to have problems this season. (On a related note, the Count wishes to extend an open invitation to the pictured Missouri coeds. They are welcome to jog around my kitchen while I’m working. Also, Lilly The Wonder Dog would enjoy the company.)

•

9. Feeling a little dizzy? . . .

I’m really hoping the “SEC moment” on Sept. 8 isn’t too much for the folks from Missouri. (I suspect not. Just needed something to lead into this video.) Via SI’s Hot Clicks.

•

8. Jim Mora keeps tripping over his tongue …

Jim Mora has habit of saying wrong thing. (Getty Images)

I don’t know how good of a coach Jim Mora really is — I suspect average — because his mouth and possibly a secret room in some dark corner of his cranium keeps getting in the way. Mora could be a charming guy when you got him alone for 7½ minutes when he was with the Falcons. But he said and did a lot of really dumb things. Like going on a Seattle radio show to say he wanted the Washington job (while his team was scrambling to try to make the playoffs). Like when he chose to defend the team’s mandate of having the offensive linemen not talk to the media — ever. When somebody referenced past Atlanta greats like Mike Kenn and Jeff Van Note, who spoke to the media and were team leaders, Mora responded something along the lines of, “Did they ever win a Super Bowl?” There was more, but you get the point. But Mora’s worst shoot-from-the-lip moment may have came the other day. He attempted to praise his current employer, UCLA, by saying on a radio show, “We don’t have murders a block from our campus.” Oy. Two grad students at crosstown rival USC had been shot and killed just off campus back in April. Mora later denied knowing that. Of course. He also denied that he was specifically referencing USC. Of course. He also denied being psychotic. Duh. Mora says stupid things, then plays innocent, then tries to backtrack when forced by a superior (read: Arthur Blank or UCLA chancellor). The tone in this video reminds me a lot of the apology press conference he was forced to have in Blank’s office following the Washington radio mishap.

•

7. Still waiting . . .

Shirts will fit coaches or Student Athlete Development Coordinators.

•

•

•

The Count has been waiting anxiously for the next addition to his back-to-school wardrobe. It’s pictured to the left. Made the purchase last week from Skreened.com and it still hasn’t arrived. So they must either be back-ordered or the whole thing is a scam by Bobby Petrino to raise funds until he can find a Division III school to hire him. When it arrives, we promise a followup photo.

•

•

•

6. Does she need an agent?

As a public service announcement, this Jewish bat would like to assure all of you that Jews do NOT own all of the banks and Hollywood, and if they do then clearly I’m not getting my share of the wealth. But as long as we’re on the subject of stereotypes (with apologies to Sandy Koufax and Hank Greenberg) . . . (via someecards)

•

5. Once more, with feeling …

I think it’s become a tradition now for jilted fans to burn their replica jerseys and sports memorabilia when a star athlete changes teams. We saw it in Cleveland with LeBron James. We’re now seeing it in Orlando with Dwight Howard. It was different in Atlanta. People burned Joe Johnson jerseys when he actually was here. (Kidding! We kid! Sort of.) Anyway, here’s one video of a poster burning. I’m avoiding posting some other video burnings because of profanity from the narrator (but feel free to check YouTube) . . . .

•

4. Just when the hangover was healing . . .

Blast from the past: Cecil Newton. (Getty Images)

Nobody has brought up any conspiracy theory involving Auburn, Cam Newton or Cecil “Huggy Bear” Newton for a while. But the Count senses there may be problems again down Auburn way. Coveted recruit Jovon Robinson, a running back from Memphis, is being held out of practice while the NCAA looks into allegations that his transcripts were falsified. His former guidance counselor in Memphis has resigned after admitting she falsified a transcript to get him into Auburn. And then she climbed into her new Trans Am and drove off, although I might have made that up. This is where we should insert that Auburn is not being accused of any wrongdoing, much like the school never was accused of any wrong doing after Cam Newton transferred there. Also in the news: The recruitment of former Alabama commitment Reuben Foster is being looked into after he suddenly changed his school of choice to Auburn. For the record: I’m not into recruiting. At all. Just the conspiracies. Also for the record: The standard bid for a top SEC recruit is $180,000.

•

3. This week’s Dumbest Man on Earth: Terrance Knighton (or Chad Johnson)

Chad Johnson after his release from prison, maybe on his way to Terrance Knighton's house. (AP photo)

So after Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco/Oucho Grease Fire was appropriately drop-kicked by the Miami Dolphins for allegedly head-butting his wife, Evelyn Lozada — although Dolphins coach Joe Philbin claimed: ““It was not reactive nor was it based on one single incident.” (read: He stunk) — there were some interesting reactions. The dumbest, not surprisingly, came on Twitter, which allows people the opportunity to vent without the annoying delays of a filter between the brain (go with it) and the finger tips (nimble and athletic). We give you: Jacksonville defensive tackle Terrance Knighton. He had these consecutive Tweets at @YouGotRoasted96 the other night after hearing the news of Johnson’s arrest:

“8/12. 9:42 p.m.: Did evelyn know that when she called the police that she was putting her mans job in jeopardy?”

“8/12: 9:45 p.m.: I’m not saying that it was OK for the headbutt, but did she really feel like her life was threatened enough to call the police?

So let me get this straight: 1) A woman should allow herself to be assaulted and not tell anybody if there’s a chance that her husband might lose his job; 2) A woman should allow herself to be assaulted and not tell police if she doesn’t think she is going to die. Because then it’s really not a big deal. Did I get that right, Terrance? I would say Terrance Knighton needs to be locked up simply for being a geranium. But he already plays for Jacksonville, so I guess there’s only so much punishment one man can take.

•

2. Ryan Lochte: “I pee gold.”

I don’t know about you,  but I think Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte has a real future as a high school health teacher. (Pretty funny stuff from Funnyordie.com, which I somehow missed before now.)

•

Of course, this reminds me of the greatest pool cleaner known to mankind, Carl Spackler …

1. And finally: The Chia Panther?

Would you fear this defensive lineman? Doh!

Carolina defensive end Thomas Keiser admits that he consumes chia seeds — yes, the same seeds used to grow those tacky “Chia Pets.” He told a writer for the team’s website: “People ask me all the time if it’s the same stuff that’s in Chia Pets. It is. I’ll have probably two or three tablespoons [in water] every day. … It helps hydrate you, because it absorbs 10 times its weight in water. And instead of the water just going in your system and flushing right out, it’s going to sit in you longer.” I’m not going to debate the alleged nutritional benefits of the seeds. I just wouldn’t want to risk waking up one morning and looking like Chia Homer or Chia Scooby.

By Jeff Schultz