Countdown: Mizzou paranoia, Mora rant and Auburn (again)

School time means counting time!

School time means counting time!

The Count never liked back-to-school sales as a young winged mammal. Back-to-school sales meant going back to school. Also getting out of bed. Also going to Sears instead of the cool dudes store and, “No mom, I don’t think that shirt hanging by the deluxe set of 68 screwdrivers and drill bits is cute. Can we go now?” But now back-to-school stuff is great, because we get things like spies in sports bras at Missouri football practice, and Jim Mora trying to feign innocence at UCLA, and more potential problems at Auburn. Here we go again. We count down . . .

10. Is that just a clever disguise?

Gary Pinkel: "Ahh, but the strawberries. That's where I had them. They laughed at me but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with geometric logic..."

Capt. Gary Pinkel Queeg: "Ahh, but the strawberries. That's where I had them. They laughed at me but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with geometric logic... Hello?"

Lilly is hoping for some company.

Lilly is hoping for some company.

The paranoia of football coaches never ceases to amaze the Count. The Falcons, like every NFL team, doesn’t want media to report on certain things in practices and often shoos local TV news crews off the field during  parts of practice (even though there are fans with flip cams on the hillside pushing “record”). I used to watch the 49ers practice back in the day when the king of paranoia, Bill Walsh, presided. We would whisper to each other on the sideline, “Sssshhh. Montana is throwing to No. 80.” Walsh never thought that was funny. Anyway, I bring this up because Missouri coach Gary Pinkel seems to be getting a little paranoid before his first SEC game against Georgia. The Tigers were holding practice the other day and noticed two lovely coeds running the stadium steps. He had an assistant coach chase them out. The photo was snapped by Eric Blumberg of KOMU-TV. We don’t know if Pinkel thought the young women were spies or figured might just be distracting his players. In either case: Really? If things are that fragile, Mizzou is going to have problems this season. (On a related note, the Count wishes to extend an open invitation to the pictured Missouri coeds. They are welcome to jog around my kitchen while I’m working. Also, Lilly The Wonder Dog would enjoy the company.)

9. Feeling a little dizzy? . . .

I’m really hoping the “SEC moment” on Sept. 8 isn’t too much for the folks from Missouri. (I suspect not. Just needed something to lead into this video.) Via SI’s Hot Clicks.

8. Jim Mora keeps tripping over his tongue …

Jim Mora has a habit of saying the wrong thing. (Getty Images)

Jim Mora has habit of saying wrong thing. (Getty Images)

I don’t know how good of a coach Jim Mora really is — I suspect average — because his mouth and possibly a secret room in some dark corner of his cranium keeps getting in the way. Mora could be a charming guy when you got him alone for 7½ minutes when he was with the Falcons. But he said and did a lot of really dumb things. Like going on a Seattle radio show to say he wanted the Washington job (while his team was scrambling to try to make the playoffs). Like when he chose to defend the team’s mandate of having the offensive linemen not talk to the media — ever. When somebody referenced past Atlanta greats like Mike Kenn and Jeff Van Note, who spoke to the media and were team leaders, Mora responded something along the lines of, “Did they ever win a Super Bowl?” There was more, but you get the point. But Mora’s worst shoot-from-the-lip moment may have came the other day. He attempted to praise his current employer, UCLA, by saying on a radio show, “We don’t have murders a block from our campus.” Oy. Two grad students at crosstown rival USC had been shot and killed just off campus back in April. Mora later denied knowing that. Of course. He also denied that he was specifically referencing USC. Of course. He also denied being psychotic. Duh. Mora says stupid things, then plays innocent, then tries to backtrack when forced by a superior (read: Arthur Blank or UCLA chancellor). The tone in this video reminds me a lot of the apology press conference he was forced to have in Blank’s office following the Washington radio mishap.

7. Still waiting . . .

Shirts come in all sizes for fans, mockers, coaches and xxx

Shirts will fit coaches or Student Athlete Development Coordinators.

The Count has been waiting anxiously for the next addition to his back-to-school wardrobe. It’s pictured to the left. Made the purchase last week from Skreened.com and it still hasn’t arrived. So they must either be back-ordered or the whole thing is a scam by Bobby Petrino to raise funds until he can find a Division III school to hire him. When it arrives, we promise a followup photo.

6. Does she need an agent?

As a public service announcement, this Jewish bat would like to assure all of you that Jews do NOT own all of the banks and Hollywood, and if they do then clearly I’m not getting my share of the wealth. But as long as we’re on the subject of stereotypes (with apologies to Sandy Koufax and Hank Greenberg) . . . (via someecards)

aly-raisman-jewish-olympics-gold-sports-ecards-someecards

5. Once more, with feeling …

I think it’s become a tradition now for jilted fans to burn their replica jerseys and sports memorabilia when a star athlete changes teams. We saw it in Cleveland with LeBron James. We’re now seeing it in Orlando with Dwight Howard. It was different in Atlanta. People burned Joe Johnson jerseys when he actually was here. (Kidding! We kid! Sort of.) Anyway, here’s one video of a poster burning. I’m avoiding posting some other video burnings because of profanity from the narrator (but feel free to check YouTube) . . . .


4. Just when the hangover was healing . . .

Blast from the past: Cecil Newton. (Getty Images)

Blast from the past: Cecil Newton. (Getty Images)

Nobody has brought up any conspiracy theory involving Auburn, Cam Newton or Cecil “Huggy Bear” Newton for a while. But the Count senses there may be problems again down Auburn way. Coveted recruit Jovon Robinson, a running back from Memphis, is being held out of practice while the NCAA looks into allegations that his transcripts were falsified. His former guidance counselor in Memphis has resigned after admitting she falsified a transcript to get him into Auburn. And then she climbed into her new Trans Am and drove off, although I might have made that up. This is where we should insert that Auburn is not being accused of any wrongdoing, much like the school never was accused of any wrong doing after Cam Newton transferred there. Also in the news: The recruitment of former Alabama commitment Reuben Foster is being looked into after he suddenly changed his school of choice to Auburn. For the record: I’m not into recruiting. At all. Just the conspiracies. Also for the record: The standard bid for a top SEC recruit is $180,000.

3. This week’s Dumbest Man on Earth: Terrance Knighton (or Chad Johnson)

Chad Johnson after his release from prison, maybe on his way to Terrance Knighton's house. (AP photo)

Chad Johnson after his release from prison, maybe on his way to Terrance Knighton's house. (AP photo)

So after Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco/Oucho Grease Fire was appropriately drop-kicked by the Miami Dolphins for allegedly head-butting his wife, Evelyn Lozada — although Dolphins coach Joe Philbin claimed: ““It was not reactive nor was it based on one single incident.” (read: He stunk) — there were some interesting reactions. The dumbest, not surprisingly, came on Twitter, which allows people the opportunity to vent without the annoying delays of a filter between the brain (go with it) and the finger tips (nimble and athletic). We give you: Jacksonville defensive tackle Terrance Knighton. He had these consecutive Tweets at @YouGotRoasted96 the other night after hearing the news of Johnson’s arrest:

“8/12. 9:42 p.m.: Did evelyn know that when she called the police that she was putting her mans job in jeopardy?”

“8/12: 9:45 p.m.: I’m not saying that it was OK for the headbutt, but did she really feel like her life was threatened enough to call the police?

So let me get this straight: 1) A woman should allow herself to be assaulted and not tell anybody if there’s a chance that her husband might lose his job; 2) A woman should allow herself to be assaulted and not tell police if she doesn’t think she is going to die. Because then it’s really not a big deal. Did I get that right, Terrance? I would say Terrance Knighton needs to be locked up simply for being a geranium. But he already plays for Jacksonville, so I guess there’s only so much punishment one man can take.

2. Ryan Lochte: “I pee gold.”

I don’t know about you,  but I think Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte has a real future as a high school health teacher. (Pretty funny stuff from Funnyordie.com, which I somehow missed before now.)

Of course, this reminds me of the greatest pool cleaner known to mankind, Carl Spackler

1. And finally: The Chia Panther?

Would you fear this defensive lineman? Doh!

Would you fear this defensive lineman? Doh!

Carolina defensive end Thomas Keiser admits that he consumes chia seeds — yes, the same seeds used to grow those tacky “Chia Pets.” He told a writer for the team’s website: “People ask me all the time if it’s the same stuff that’s in Chia Pets. It is. I’ll have probably two or three tablespoons [in water] every day. … It helps hydrate you, because it absorbs 10 times its weight in water. And instead of the water just going in your system and flushing right out, it’s going to sit in you longer.” I’m not going to debate the alleged nutritional benefits of the seeds. I just wouldn’t want to risk waking up one morning and looking like Chia Homer or Chia Scooby.

By Jeff Schultz

199 comments Add your comment

gatorphil

August 14th, 2012
12:35 pm

That one coed WAS wearing black and red!

Resident Georgia Fan

August 14th, 2012
12:38 pm

They fall like trees, those fainters!

Curious Water guy

August 14th, 2012
12:44 pm

I don’t think Thomas Keiser has that whole hydration thing figured out………..

Dog Island Gator

August 14th, 2012
12:48 pm

The sporting life. How funny. Jim Mora, priceless!

PMC

August 14th, 2012
12:49 pm

It should be a front page column when Jimmy Mora wins ANYTHING.

Spanky

August 14th, 2012
12:52 pm

Jeff, those t-shirts come in different sizes? I’ll take “XH”..”extra-hilarious”!!

AuburnCreed

August 14th, 2012
12:56 pm

That’s it. Keep on spreading crud like this about Auburn. It’s so full of journalistic integrity. Especially seeing how almost everything you said is WRONG! Just like that hack Carvell getting his “facts” wrong about the NCAA talking to Foster. All you people do is go with the flow and then write whatever suits you.

Great job!

Buckeye

August 14th, 2012
1:00 pm

Daughter is now in Grad School at Auburn but I will still root for Vandy over dogs/Auburn and Auburn over dogs, Mizzou over dogs, The BIG over dogs and last but not least, Conf USA over dogs.

RC--apoi

August 14th, 2012
1:01 pm

Well, it’s not the girls so much that spy and tattle on you. It’s the dogs. You shouldn’t practice any play in front of a dog. They’ll spill their guts to Russ the Temporary Mascot because they’re all in it together and before you know it the Dawgs are all set up to ruin your play and beat you in your first SEC game. No offense to Lilly of course.

I won’t even talk about the cameras hidden in the water bucket.

BillS

August 14th, 2012
1:01 pm

Funny stuff, Jeff. And sometimes really appalling stuff (think Terrance Knighton).

Tommy

August 14th, 2012
1:02 pm

Chia Obama! Remember those?

Dawglasville

August 14th, 2012
1:03 pm

That’s one, (two) tigers I’d like to hold. I hope Mrs. Dawglasville doesn’t read this. Very funny Jeff.

Randy Marsh

August 14th, 2012
1:07 pm

Jeff, Buttermaker was an awesome pool cleaner. I’d give him the edge over Carl.

Buckeye, that’s good info to know. Please keep us all informed more.

JRHD

August 14th, 2012
1:10 pm

Chia seeds, good stuff. They have only been around thousands of years. Don’t knock things just because you don’t understand them.

Matt "CHOKE" Ryan

August 14th, 2012
1:11 pm

Jeff

When can we expect that “CHOKE MUST GO” Column?

Vick fans want to know.

Thanks buddy :)

Falcon Jag Fan

August 14th, 2012
1:12 pm

Terrance Knighton (Better known as Pot Roast) almost lost an eye this Spring when hit in the eye with a beer bottle related to a bar dispute. He’s just barely smarter than an actual pot roast.

Matt "CHOKE" Ryan

August 14th, 2012
1:13 pm

Speaking of Jim Mora Jr……

Still the last coach to win a playoff game for th Falcants :)

khaki-wearing effiminate UGA fan

August 14th, 2012
1:13 pm

Auburn just sounds dirty!

War Town

August 14th, 2012
1:16 pm

You think Auburn will ever learn??????????

GB's Hamburgers

August 14th, 2012
1:17 pm

Forget sports … just keep posting fainting videos. It’s funny, non-controversial, you are universally liked … plus you don’t have to write and raise questions your noggin.

ARdawg

August 14th, 2012
1:20 pm

Buckeye is a bitter loser. Are most Buckeye fans as bad as you? 0-10 beeyotch

bucket

August 14th, 2012
1:22 pm

@ Randy Marsh – loved your response to Buckeye. I’m gonna have to take half a baby aspirin to get over Buckeye’s rejection of UGA!

Ted M

August 14th, 2012
1:24 pm

Ha… Mora even smirked after his fake apology, which literally a lie.

StingerSplash

August 14th, 2012
1:28 pm

Jeff, you also may want to pass on apologies to…
Former Blue Jays/Dodgers outfielder Shawn Green
Current Texas Rangers second baseman Ian Kinsler
Current Chicago White Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis
Current Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun
NFL great Sid Luckman
And a little bit for boxing great Max Baer.

And I’m Irish-Catholic.

dean

August 14th, 2012
1:28 pm

Would someone please send me a Chubby Decker?

GT Alum

August 14th, 2012
1:31 pm

Jeff, congratulations on also debunking the myth that all Jews are funny.

And don’t complain too much about not getting a bunch of bank or Hollywood money. You’re plenty lucky to apparently have this job for life despite being a moronic hack.

68??

August 14th, 2012
1:32 pm

Can we please get some real players at UGA, NOT walk-ons. Are we a charity now?

tooltime

August 14th, 2012
1:32 pm

Yeah chia seeds are consumed by the tarahumara people for their amazing health properties

Najeh Davenpoop

August 14th, 2012
1:34 pm

Sears isn’t that bad. Beats Wal-Mart.

Najeh Davenpoop

August 14th, 2012
1:36 pm

Jim Mora is a good guy. I met him once. But he is a horrible, horrible coach, and Seahawks fans will agree.

TallaDawg

August 14th, 2012
1:38 pm

Chia seeds are great, not just for water/hydration retention, but also for the protein, fiber and omegas.

coach13

August 14th, 2012
1:45 pm

Personally I think UGA fans should be more worried about MIzzou than vice versa. Their place, 1st SEC game, pass happy offense meets a UGA program that has jumped head first into inconsistency and unreliability. Did I mention we missing several key defensive starters in the secondary for that game?

Sundrop Kid

August 14th, 2012
1:47 pm

Saw some comments yesterday on two different NFL city newspapers voicing unhappiness with their offensive coordinators. Both mentioned Bobby Petrino’s name. Had not occurred to me before, but that’s probably what will happen to him. He will end up in someplace like Oakland CA as an OC, betcha!

Heisenberg

August 14th, 2012
1:49 pm

As I explained on the Braves blog yesterday, Chad Johnson was misunderstood. His wife thought the box of condoms was for his use and went flying off the handle before he could explain. They were to be sent to the Olympic village as his way of showing support for team USA.

Really?

August 14th, 2012
1:51 pm

Ryan Lochte… really? pee in the pool???
Well, as W. C. Fields said… I don’t drink water, fish f**k in it.
Well, I don’t swim in pools because Lochte pees in it

Jeff Schultz

August 14th, 2012
1:51 pm

Gatorphil: “That one coed WAS wearing black and red!” << Good eye.

Jeff Schultz

August 14th, 2012
1:53 pm

Randy Marsh — “Jeff, Buttermaker was an awesome pool cleaner. I’d give him the edge over Carl.” << You might a good point. Also his daughter was the wise-cracking Tatum O’Neal, correct?

Michael

August 14th, 2012
1:54 pm

Auburn and Foster are not being investigated by the NCAA. .

Michael

August 14th, 2012
1:54 pm

Auburn and Foster are not being investigated by the NCAA. .

Jeff Schultz

August 14th, 2012
1:54 pm

Matt “Choke” Ryan — “Speaking of Jim Mora Jr……
Still the last coach to win a playoff game for th Falcants :) ” << Don’t you have a job or something?

Falcons 62 - Saints 7

August 14th, 2012
1:54 pm

……. with Coach Norm Van Brocklin in 1973.

Hillbilly D

August 14th, 2012
1:55 pm

1) A woman should allow herself to be assaulted and not tell anybody if there’s a chance that her husband might lose her job;

Shouldn’t that be “his” job? (I always wanted to be an editor but I didn’t have the foot speed.)

I would say Terrance Knighton needs to be locked up simply for being a geranium.

A low blow to geraniums everywhere.

just keep posting fainting videos. It’s funny

I bet the weightlifter who fell and hit his head didn’t see the humor in it.

Jeff Schultz

August 14th, 2012
1:57 pm

“GT Alum” — “Jeff, congratulations on also debunking the myth that all Jews are funny.
And don’t complain too much about not getting a bunch of bank or Hollywood money. You’re plenty lucky to apparently have this job for life despite being a moronic hack.”

<<< I want to thank you for being such an important member of society that you consider me a “moronic hack” and yet you still read this and took the time to comment. We’re all better for it.

WDE

August 14th, 2012
1:57 pm

@GT Alum lets get this straight you don’t like Jeff’s work but yet your on Jeff’s blog..explain that to me…I understand troll logic “its an article about football” so I live on the UGA blogs to pump sewage because…just because ….however this is a man’s blog that you profess to not care for his work..why would you do that?

Jeff Schultz

August 14th, 2012
1:58 pm

Najeh — Haha. Actually Sears a lot better now than when I was a kid. Also, we didn’t have Wal-mart back in the day (and on the Leftist Coast).

dawgfan

August 14th, 2012
1:58 pm

If he thinks those girls are a distraction, wait until Jarvis Jones comes off the edge and rips his QB’s freaking head off. Pretty girls in the stands will be the least of his worries. Mizzou sounds nervous, or at least that’s the message he sends to his team with crap like that. They aren’t ready for prime time. Mizzou is a poser. They will be doing good to go .500 this year.

Thanks.

1eyedJack

August 14th, 2012
1:59 pm

It would seem that running stadium steps would preclude one from spying. One misstep could cause you to face plant as in the fainting video.

Speaking of fainting, it seems an inordinate amout of fainting goes on at weddings. Imagine that.

Petrino and Mora Jr. in the same column. Now that’s killing two idiots with one stone.

Jeff Schultz

August 14th, 2012
1:59 pm

Michael — “Auburn and Foster are not being investigated by the NCAA.” … <<< You might be right. I just know what the kid’s mother said, which is what was quoted.

Jeff Schultz

August 14th, 2012
2:01 pm

Hillbilly — Yes. Fixed. Thanks.

@LukeDixonATL

August 14th, 2012
2:01 pm

Knighton’s latest tweet: @Yougotroasted96 “Last day on twitter…..”
Whoops… great read Jeff