Countdown: Comic relief, Olympic mudwrestling, UK urinal

Let me tell you about "Honest Abe."

Let me tell you about "Honest Abe."

There’s nothing like a good movie to escape reality once in a while. The Count loves to kick back with a trough of popcorn and a banana-and-plasma smoothie, then wait for the lights to dim in the theater and just hope it’s not a full moon outside because, well, you don’t want to know. Anyway, The Count walked into the wrong theater the other day. He thought he was about to see “Snow White And The Huntsman” because Charlize Theron kind of does something for him in a full length coat of evil (again, you don’t want to know).  But instead, he inadvertently walked into, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” and he has been catatonic ever since. Abe — yeah, yeah, president, freed the slaves, wore a hat, blahblahblah. Let me tell you: Abe wasn’t cool. He was obsessed withvampire obliterating The Count’s entire family, just because I dunked on him in high school. (Abe was tall but couldn’t jump. Think: Mel Counts. But The Count could flyyyyy! No really, I could fly. It’s a tradeoff for the whole eternal damnation thing.) So Abe goes out one night with has damn axe and sees my uncle Mortimer, who was just heading down to Walgreens for some dental floss, and he chops his damn head off! There’s your Mr. Perfect President. I vowed revenge in the afterlife. Unfortunately, we ended up in different places. Abe had a better PR guy. But at least we’ll all end up in better place than that guy from Penn State. We count down . . .

(Apologies for the earlier Abraham Lincoln-cherry tree reference. The Count mixed up his Presidential fairy tales.)

10. Welcome to Hell, Jerry

Andy heard Red was a man who could get things.

Andy heard Red was a man who could get things.

I think you know how The Count feels about Jerry Sandusky. Basically, the same as most humans. And most subhumans. I mean, you know it’s bad when convicted felons look down on you. Seriously, there’s this hierarchy in prisons: If you’re a mob boss, you’re, like, golden. You’re like “Red” in Shawshank, only with superpowers. If you did what Sandusky did, you make pondscum look like Callaway Gardens. Is it material for a monolgue? As a general rule, no. However . . .

9. Worthy of mocking . . .

The Count has immense respect for those who can find just the right device to find needed comic relief amid evil and tragedy. We stumbled upon this cartoon by the talented Tim Campbell, who managed to work a classic Peanuts scene — Lucy pulling away the football from Charlie Brown — into Sandusky’s jail sentence. You can find more of Tim’s work here, and The Counts thanks him for permission to share his latest with you.

AwOykunCIAAZTpl

8. Strike up the band

And finally, we may never knew if this is actually true, but everybody seems to be going with it, including CBS News, so: When Sandusky reported to the Centre County Correctional Facility, inmates reportedly started serenading him with a line from Pink’s Floyd’s “The Wall.” It’s not like they sang the whole song, but according to The Daily and another inmate known only as “Josh”:

Other prisoners were barred from communicating directly with Sandusky, but they could see him. And when the lights went out, inmates serenaded the disgraced coach with a famous line from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.”

“At night, we were singing ‘Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone,’ ” Josh said, adding that everyone knew who Sandusky was because inmates had access to television and newspapers. The jail can hold 349 inmates.

Probably not what Roger Waters had in mind (although the old guy in the animation below actually looks like Sandusky.) A little music break:

7. I finished third! I finished third! Less filling! Tastes great!

We need to settle the tie. Justin Gatlin has a great idea!

We need to settle the tie. Justin Gatlin has a great idea! (Getty Images)

The Count loved that old politically incorrect Miller Lite commercial. You know, the one where two girls get into a cat fight and then mudwrestle, something that was created by obnoxious, sexist, chauvinistic pigs in advertising who glorify women as sex objects, something of course every vampire is prone to. (Don’t blame me. It’s in the plasma.) So you might ask: How did I get on this track? Simple. At the U.S. Olympic track and field trials over the weekend, Allyson Felix and Jeneba Tarmoh tied for third place in the women’s 100 meters. I mean, REALLY tied for third. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal in most events, but the the top three finishers in the Trials go to the Olympics in London. Of course, leave it to a male to solve the problem. Sprinter Justin Gatlin said, “I’m voting for Jell-O wrestling match. Red Jell-O. That’s my favorite.” He later went on ESPN and suggested mudwestling. My man! Of course, the snooty USTAF is offering a more boring resolution: Felix and Tarmoh can flip a coin or run a match race. Seriously, would either be as riveting as this … ?

6. “Altanta” Thrashers’ fan gets refund … a year later

Everett Duke celebrated Columbus Cottonmouth's (Southern Pro Hockey League) title.

It took year for Thrashers' fan to get balance of ticket refund.

The Count again wishes to commend the Hawks for landing Danny Ferry as general manager. However, as we’ve come to learn, it has become very difficult for the Atlanta Spirit to get through a week without a pie in the face. The Count was contacted on Twitter by Everett Duke, a former Thrashers’ season-ticket holder. It seems that while Duke had been refunded for 2011-12 season tickets rendered worthless when the team was sold and moved to Winnipeg, he was still owed a balance of $149.40. There’s some confusing story about tickets being sold back and the matter needing to be resolved between the Spirit and Ticketmaster, but let’s move on. Duke was informed that he inexplicably wouldn’t get his money back until after this NBA season — a full year after the team moved. We believe accounting needed to verify that there would still be funds available after Joe Johnson’s final paycheck of the season. Duke emailed me: “Got a call on May 22nd saying they could finally close out my account. Check came today.” But guess what? The check came from the “Altanta” Hawks. Hey, I’m not one to mock somebody else for their typos because, well, never mind. But at least I can spell my name: Count. But a check? The evidence is below. (By the way, that is Duke pictured to the left. He is seen lifting the Southern Pro Hockey League champions’ cup won by the Columbus Cottonmouths, where he works as the team’s mascot. It seems disenfranchised fans will do anything to get their hockey fix.)

Everett Duke's final refund check had Atlanta misspelled.

Everett Duke's belated ticket refund check reads "Altanta Hawks & Philips Arena."

5. Bobby Petrino lost money on his house (everybody say, “awww”)

You know, I can't look at this photo enough times.

I could see this photo a million times and I'd still laugh. (AP photo)

Has anybody seen Bobby Petrino? The creature has competely dropped out of sight since his motorcycle accident with his goochie girl riding shotgun led to his firing and relative excommunication from Arkansas. The only evidence that Petrino hasn’t done a swan dive into a ravine: He and wife (still) Becky sold their Fayetteville mansion for $1.7 million. Petrino took a $550,000 loss, largely because he could not get the smell of Brimstone out of the carpeting.

4. Wow, talk about taking a shot at your rival

This is not going to go over well with Big Blue.

This is not going to go over well with Big Blue.

Charlie Strong has proven to be a pretty good head coach at Louisville. Maybe it’s his motivational techniques. This won’t go over well in Lexington (like anybody in Louisville cares) but Strong has placed the Kentucky logo right in the target area of urinals in the Cardinals’ locker room. If Joker Phillips wants to one-up Strong, it’s not hard to figure out what the next level up (down?) is.  Anyway, this story was broken by the blog East Coast Bias, which wrote: “This picture was tweeted by a Louisville player and is reminiscent of things Urban Meyer did at Florida and Utah to motivate players for rivalry game.” Honestly, I wasn’t aware Meyer did that. But if somebody could provide The Count with photographic evidence of a “G” or little Uga in a urinal, we would be to forward it to the appropriate parties in Athens.

3. Anthony Davis planning to make money on his unibrow (go for it)

Anthony Davis wants you to "Fear The Unibrow."

Anthony Davis wants you to "Fear The Unibrow."

The Count tries not to make fun of another man’s grooming habits. But Anthony Davis makes me want to jump on a John Deere and plow right over through that unibrow over his eyeballs. Davis? He likes it. In fact, the former Kentucky forward sees that hedge bush like others would see two adjoining oil wells. He want to turn it into money (a hedge fund?). Davis, who is likely to be the first pick in the NBA draft Thursday night, has trademarked the phrases, “Fear the brow” and “Raise the brow.”  Quoting: “I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it. Me and my family decided to trademark it because it’s very unique.” Yes, it will stay that way. He doesn’t have anything to worry about. There’s as much chance of somebody intentionally growing a unibrow as there is somebody going to a cosmetic surgeon and asking, “Hey, can you give me Marty Feldman eyes? That guy’s really funny.”

2. Headline . . .

I am not making this up: A New Jersey woman is suing a Little League player after she was hit by the baseball. The incident apparently happened two years ago when Matthew Migliaccio was 11 years old. He was a catcher in the bullpen area when his overthrow back to the pitcher apparently struck the picnicking Elizabeth Lloyd in the face. She’s seeking $150,000 in medical expenses and an unspecified amount for pain and suffering. According to the suit, Migliaccio’s actions were negligent and careless through “engaging in inappropriate physical and/or sporting activity” and she “continues to suffer pain and anguish, incur medical expenses and has been unable to carry out her usual duties and activities.” Somebody needs to get their house egged.

1. And finally . . .

"Not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 ..."

"Not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 ..."

I know the world lost a lot of LeBron James jokes when the Miami Heat won the NBA championship. This is sort of like when Richard Nixon got kicked out of the White House and all of the comics just looked at each other. NOW, what are we going to make fun of? But the New York Post managed to find a way to keep it going. Look to the left.

By Jeff Schultz

Video: Talking about the Hawks and Danny Ferry

Later: The Braves and Jason Heyward

48 comments Add your comment

Matt

June 26th, 2012
11:33 am

Wasn’t the cherry tree story about Washington instead of Lincoln?

Burdell

June 26th, 2012
11:33 am

Ahhh…the Countdown is back! Thanks Jeff!

Larry Nalls

June 26th, 2012
11:33 am

Very funny Jeff. Good to see you back in good humor.

Matt

June 26th, 2012
11:34 am

NVM, it’s gone now.

Larry Nalls

June 26th, 2012
11:37 am

You just refuse to let me proof-read your stuff before you post it…ha!

Jeff Schultz

June 26th, 2012
11:50 am

Matt — A slight mixup by the Count, which has since been amended. Congrats. You get an A.

Dr. Phil

June 26th, 2012
11:58 am

I’m happy to see the Count return. Here is an appropriate video for Mr. Sandusky. I wish the the AD and President could share a cell with the coach.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSq8mnDH_1o

Najeh Davenpoop

June 26th, 2012
12:01 pm

That New York Post cover is pretty good.

Benjamin

June 26th, 2012
12:02 pm

I have to admit, the LeBron NY Post cover made me laugh.

Red Stick

June 26th, 2012
12:26 pm

Funny stuff Jeff.

Never a dull moment with the NY Post lol

DH9387

June 26th, 2012
12:32 pm

I do not know whether Florida has ever taken its hatred of Ugag to the bathroom, but Georgia Tech had this urinal art in the bathroom of Brittain Dining Hall when I first arrived on campus in 2006:

http://www.stingtalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=33628

DawginLex

June 26th, 2012
12:34 pm

DH9387

When you aim for the urinal, do you miss?

Like 10 out of the last 11 times?

Ol Bobby Lee

June 26th, 2012
1:01 pm

Abe freed SOME slaves. He never freed his own personal slaves (as many as 23) or the slaves in Maryland, KY, or other Yankee states.

5150 UOAD

June 26th, 2012
1:03 pm

DiLex do you use toilet paper or just lick yourself clean after a trip to the toilet? :)

CP

June 26th, 2012
1:07 pm

“It seems disenfranchised fans will do anything to get their hockey fix.” Truer Words….

5150 UOAD

June 26th, 2012
1:10 pm

Jeff…………..no Lolo Jones photos? She looks great from the back in her running suit after the race. LOL She is built.

Gravy Train

June 26th, 2012
1:23 pm

Thanks for the mid day laugh, Mr. Jeff. In your years at the AJC have you ever wondered why Techsters see blue collar support for the UGA as something to ridicule? It wreaks of weakling snobbery. Perhaps that is why the Joke by Coke is always half empty.

Gravy Train

June 26th, 2012
1:27 pm

Also, tell the Count he should be happy that he didn’t waste his time and money on Prometheus. Does anyone really know what was happening in that movie? I bet the Techsters can fill us in.

Sad Sack

June 26th, 2012
1:37 pm

And to think I’d given up on the Countdown!

iTiSi

June 26th, 2012
1:42 pm

JS left out part of the story about the Little Leaguer being sued. The woman’s husband has jumped in and made himself a part of the suit. It’s the typical “loss of services, affection, etc.” Those two must be the epitome of lowlife and are truly pathetic human beings. One thing about it. There’s always a “lower than lowlife” lawyer ready to step in and make it happen.

jhughes

June 26th, 2012
1:43 pm

beware of calling for an egging of Elizabeth Lloyd’s house if she finds out she might sue you too!
haha

TuffShhhtuff

June 26th, 2012
1:45 pm

Story about John Rocker and what he’s doing today in the Macon Telegraph. Interesting if you care.

5150 UOAD

June 26th, 2012
1:45 pm

iTiSi………….you mean like a UGa grad Lawyer?

Gravy Train………give up now. You still can’t make a good argument about anything involving Tech.

C. Tampa Ironworse

June 26th, 2012
1:48 pm

Jeff…didn’t you say we can’t think about this kind of sutff while the Sandusky scandal was in the news?

Chris

June 26th, 2012
1:55 pm

I like UK urnial logo. Down in Statesboro a lot of the local bars would have App Sate or Furman logos in their urinals. It really promotes the intensity of the rivalry and most importantly no one gets hurt.

Old GT Grad

June 26th, 2012
2:15 pm

I hate to say it, DawginLex, but that’s funny. But so is the urinal.

DawginLex

June 26th, 2012
2:16 pm

DiLex do you use toilet paper or just lick yourself clean after a trip to the toilet?

***************************

That question reminds me of the two Tech guys watching UGA lick himself. 1 guy says, “I wish I could do that”. 2nd guy says “Man, that dog would bite you!!!”

:) :)

Sage of Bluesland

June 26th, 2012
2:31 pm

I miss going to Thrashers games. My wittle boycott blew up in my wittle face :’(

5150 UOAD

June 26th, 2012
2:41 pm

DiLex that is a L. Grizzard joke and it is 2 Uga fans watching the game in Athens.

5150 UOAD

June 26th, 2012
2:42 pm

DiLex that is a L. Grizzard joke about 2 UGa fans at a UGa game. You can buy the download on I-tunes.

DawginLex

June 26th, 2012
3:02 pm

Erk russell told 1 about the Tech guy walking into the bathroom at Grant field at halftime with UGA ahead 24-0.

He had on a long tweed coat, leather gloves and a buttondown shirt with wool slacks and leather shoes.

He had to take a leak and he dropped a glove into the urinal and watched as it flowed downstream.

Georgia guy looked at him and said “This just ain’t your night is it?”

and all this time i thought the

June 26th, 2012
3:06 pm

story about the urinal was going to be about uga…

either the infamous stench at their fred sanford stadium or

an update on this story…….

Michael Adams, UGA President:
There was urination, there was defecation, there were 70 tons of trash. Buildings like the Law School or the library, we’ve had to close because when we left them open the destruction was too significant.

Augusta Chronicle – (UGA) has to close the library on game days because … “people were peeing in the stacks, vomiting in the stairwell and getting into fights in the lobby that the people who worked (there) got fed up with all the abuse.”

i was thinking that since they are the no 1 partay school in the country they had upped the anty by adding some more classrooms to urinate in.

only those classly dawgs would have such a story associated with it.

if this post gets posted i suspect your column will get more than just 31 replies.

and all this time i thought the

June 26th, 2012
3:09 pm

should read ‘classless’

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
4:33 pm

Anthony Davis looks like half a raccoon. Got that Frito Bandito upper lip going for him too. Don’t worry fella in 10 or 15 years you’ll have hair growing every where on your head ‘cept on top. And that caterpillar will look like a hedge in Normandy.

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
4:37 pm

7. I finished third! I finished third! Less filling! Tastes great!
I think they should decide it in a no-holds barred Texas Death Cage match, with chainsaws and sharp farm tools adorning the cage. Two women enter one woMAN leaves.

Jeff, if you let this video play to the end, then it lists some much better b1tch fights.

Najeh Davenpoop

June 26th, 2012
4:40 pm

There are few things in Atlanta sports sadder than UGA and Tech fans fighting with each other, considering that neither team manages to win anything meaningful in either of their respective conferences. Fans of their more powerful conference rivals look at this and laugh.

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
4:40 pm

Good thing they didn’t have picnic tables in the bullpen area where I played little league ball. I’d still be on the chain gang.

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
4:43 pm

“I could see this photo a million times and I’d still laugh.”

The only thing that could be better is if this was the result after his wife found out the truth. Are there any pictures of that?

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
4:46 pm

Elizabeth Loyd’s husband is suing too for loss of usual duties and activities.

Hasn’t he ever heard of the paper bag method?

[...] Countdown: Comic relief, Olympic mudwrestling, UK urinal [...]

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
5:17 pm

@1eyedJack

You’re an idiot!

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
5:18 pm

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
5:17 pm
@1eyedJack

You’re an idiot!

Once again you’re showing your ignorance. Putz.

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
5:20 pm

@1eyedJack and 1eyedJack

Nobody wants to hear what you two doofys think anyway.

Delbert D.

June 26th, 2012
5:36 pm

That guy with the white tattoo of a dog on his head may not be fully grounded in reality. The TV guys like him, though.

1eyedJack

June 26th, 2012
7:58 pm

I’m all better now.

like shaq said...eat my @*#

June 27th, 2012
3:09 pm

Jeff, I’ve taken craps on fl, aub, bamalama, tn, sc, and lsu for years….they’re now a replacement verb for a bowel movement.

5150 UOAD

June 28th, 2012
11:15 am

Brendan

July 10th, 2012
2:41 pm

Hard to believe that hockey fans are still taking pot shots at Sage of Bluesland. That’s the highest form of flattery, you know.

Even harder to believe that someone who plunked down season ticket money for the 2011-12 season had to wait this long … to get a refund. I would have hoped that these millionaire owners could have at least ponied up 5% in interest for this Everett Duke. Seeing as how … it was their fault he didn’t get his money. Okay. Stop. Stop right there. Knowing these guys’ penchant for law suits, they’re apt to sue Ticketmaster for that 5% and 149.50 that was owed to Mr. Duke.

Harder still to believe … is that whole lame, pathetic situation was created by the acquisition of Joe Johnson. And now, he’s been identified as the problem, at long last, and shipped out of town, and off their books forever. And so, the question remains … just how much DID the Atlanta Spirit spend on 5.5 years of litation against Mr. Belkin? In the end, did they make anything?

Not saying David McDavid would have won an NBA title for the Hawks, or a Stanley Cup for the Thrashers. But I’d be at least willing to suggest that the Thrashers would still be here. And that McDavid would have made sweeping reforms at the GM and Head Coaching positions. The desire to sell and/or relocate the Thrashers was one of the worst kept secrets in Atlanta sports history.