Like most people in the regular and underworlds, The Count likes the Super Bowl, not for the game but for the food and the commercials, and that rare occasion when the the NFL halftime show morphs into a night at the “Club Hubba Hubba,” less for the split-second look at part of one of Janet Jackson’s breastacles (I saw it! I saw it!) but because it looked like somebody had just connected jumper cables to the toes of then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue, who said, “We were extremely disappointed by the MTV-produced halftime show. The show was offensive, inappropriate and embarrassing to us and our fans.” After which the league showed more commercials to help you get drunk and correct erectile dysfunction. (”Daddy, why did mommy laugh at the Viagra commercial?”) Any way, this is Super Bowl week, and that means more new commercials and hopefully nothing to surprising at the halftime show, because it stars a 52-year-old Madonna (which is 97 in human years and 7000 in “Like A Virgin” years) Where was I? Oh yes, the commercials. Can any of them of equal these? Doubt it. We count down . . .
10. It’s The Count’s Top 5 — and a poll
So following are The Count’s top 5 all-time Super Bowl commercials. My only regret is the one that includes former Miss USA Ali Landry (doing her laundry in the Doritos commercial) is not more in focus, and does not last, like, I dunno, an hour, because to heck with the game. The Count Poll is listed below for you to vote on your favorite of the five, and you’re welcome to suggest one we have missed in The Count’s In-Box down below.
The Swear Jar (Bud Light)
Mean Joe’s Smelly Jersey (Coke)
Ali Landry’s Laundry Talents (Doritos)
Stinkin’ Badgers (Toyota Corolla)
The Party Monkeys (CareerBuilder.com)
9. Note to PETA: The Count fully endorses wingless chickens
Most Super Bowl parties will have chicken wings. Why wings and not just carrot sticks? Because we’re at the top of the food chain, damn’t, and we’re going to enjoy it while we can. I mean, if The Count, who comes from the bat family, isn’t offended at people eating wings, why should PETA be? But of course, they are. This from PETA’s food commies web site: “It’s estimated that some 600 million chickens are killed for the wings consumed just during the Super Bowl. Yikes! And that’s after the abuse they all suffered through on factory farms. Not only is this wing-eating obsession cruel, it also shows a lack of imagination. After all, there are so many mouth-watering alternatives to the old same-old same-old. For vegan game-day treats that will satisfy the most ravenous sports fan, check out these recipes for fab finger foods that won’t cost birds their limbs.” Those “mouth-watering alternatives” include vegan burgers, meatless hotdogs and fake BBQ riblets.” Mmmm.
8. About the Super Bowl: Giants win/won
I realize this is a free advertisement for a video game company, but I got suckered in by the email. EA Sports informs me that the Super Bowl was played on “Madden NFL 12″ and the New York Giants defeated New England 27-24 on a last-second field goal by Lawrence Tynes. I need to phone EA Sports how many times they had to play the Giants-Falcons game before the Falcons finally scored a friggin’ touchdown. Also, is there updated game software where you can duct tape Mike Mularkey to the goal post? The “game” highlights are below. (Post-script: The Madden game has correctly predicted six of the last eight winners, but missed on Green Bay-Pittsburgh last year.)
It’s only a game
7. Did Saban get recruit’s girlfriend a job?
Gotta be honest — I’ve never obsessed over this recruiting stuff. But some of the conspiracy theories are funny . . . and maybe even true. Here’s one we bring to you, via OutkickTheCoverage (and other sites). Remember that touted “five-star” recruit, Landon Collins, who upset his mother by picking Alabama over LSU? (Video below.) Well, the word going around — from April Collins, Landon’s mother — is that the player chose Alabama because the Nick Saban promised a job to his girlfriend (who can be seen in the video, standing behind her man). This is from the website, MomsTeam.com, that originally ran the interview with April Collins: “In all fairness to Saban and Alabama, I have been unable to independently confirm April’s story on this point (Citing NCAA rules, Doug Walker, Associate Athletics Director, Communications, at the University of Alabama, stated in an email to MomsTeam that the school “would not comment on anything relating to the recruitment of a prospective student-athlete.” Asked if Landon’s girlfriend had been offered a job, he stated, “I have no information regarding that.”). All I know is what April told me.” The Count’s long belief: Momma knows. Momma always knows.
6. Earth to Suh . . .
In his latest vehement denials of being a dirty football player, to say nothing of a weasel and a crumb (OK, I added that), Ndamukong Suh tells ESPN’s Hannah Storm that he can’t possibly have anger-management issues because, “I don’t have issues of beating up people in bars. I think people try and make their own opinion and I think it’s a storyline. It’s a great storyline. It’s kind of comical to me to keep saying something and really don’t have any substance behind it.” The unfortunate thing about Suh is that not only is he in denial about his own relative felonious acts but that the NFL is determined to make him a face of the league. And about the no-substance thing: I mean, seriously? Let’s cue up this clip from the CountTube.
This apparently doesn’t count as substance
5. Can it be — The Cameron Lazies?
Wow. We knew college basketball was off the radar — but even at Duke? This comes from The Duke Chronicle, via Lost Letterman. About only 650 students are filling the 1,200-seat student section at Cameron Indoor Stadium, which means 550 nerds are MIA. As a result, Duke is selling general admission tickets to the student section, no matter how dumb you are or what your SAT score was. One of Duke’s marketing guys, Mike Forman, said: “The enthusiasm hasn’t been there. [Coach Mike Krzyzewski] has had to drum up enthusiasm himself, which he shouldn’t have to do.” No. We don’t want to see Mikey grouchy. That would be … well, funny.
4. If a women’s sports league fell in a forest . . .
The Count gets a hard time from women’s sports fan(s) for not giving more coverage to things other than the sports leagues that people actually care about. So in the interest of equal time, here we go. The Atlanta Beat has folded. Again. Temporarily, any way, at least until it becomes permanent. The Beat was a women’s soccer team in a league called WUSA that folded in 2003. Now it’s in a league called WPS, which has suspended play for the 2012 season, largely because nobody cared. Officially, there’s something about a dispute with one of the owners. But that strikes me as a convenient excuse to fold a league, something along the lines of, “Oh look: It’s Tuesday.” Thriving leagues don’t fold because of disputes with an owner. (Even the NHL doesn’t fold — they just move teams to Winnipeg. Gary Bettman doesn’t want to lose his expense account or his official press conference step stool.) This is not me editorializing on whether women have the right to have pro sports leagues. It’s just recognizing the reality of the situation: If nobody’s watching and nobody cares, nobody’s going to show up with a camera and a notepad.
3. Tim Tebow and Porn Convention: It’s Pageview Armagedoon!
Yeah, really, I don’t have much to say about this. I just didn’t want to be the only one not to put Tim Tebow and porn convention in the same headline. The Las Vegas Review-Journal reports Tebow and “performers” at the AVN Awards (the Oscars for naughty movies) both stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel last weekend.
Tebow reportedly was in town to shoot a commercial, attended Cirque du Soleil, ate popcorn and stayed clear of all rubberized actresses.
2. Hawks: an undervalued stock?
The Hawks, playing without Al Horford, have the third best record in the Eastern Conference and are getting great play from Josh Smith and Jeff Teague. But if you’re wondering why the Atlanta Spirit have had a hard time attracting a buyers, here’s a clue: Forbes just released its annual NBA franchise valuations and the Hawks’ finished 28th out of 30 teams. Their estimated value of $270 million was an eight percent drop from last season and less than one-third the value of the league-leading Los Angeles Lakers ($900 million). Local television, radio and arena deals carry more weight in franchise values than whether Tracy McGrady is still walking. That’s what potential buyers look at. We like to consider Atlanta a major market, but the Hawks are even behind Sacremento ($300 million), New Orleans ($285 million), Indiana ($283 million), Charlotte ($277 million) and Minnesota ($272 million). The only two teams behind the Hawks are Memphis ($269 million) and Milwaukee ($268 million). The Hawks are in the same division as Miami ($457 million), Orlando ($385 million), Washington ($328 million) and Charlotte.
1. And finally . . .
The Count likes the Giants. They’ve been the most impressive team in the playoffs and the thought of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick losing another Super Bowl has the greatest mocking potential.
By Jeff Schultz