Countdown: Super ads, PETA’s wings, Saban’s job offer?

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Now on Stage 3, at the Super Bowl . . .

If this was Pledge of Allegiance, Janet would have right hand over her heart, not left hand over ... you know.

Like most people in the regular and underworlds, The Count likes the Super Bowl, not for the game but for the food and the commercials, and that rare occasion when the the NFL halftime show morphs into a night at the “Club Hubba Hubba,” less for the split-second look at part of one of Janet Jackson’s breastacles (I saw it! I saw it!) but because it looked like somebody had just connected jumper cables to the toes of then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue, who said, “We were extremely disappointed by the MTV-produced halftime show. The show was offensive, inappropriate and embarrassing to us and our fans.” After which the league showed more commercials to help you get drunk and correct erectile dysfunction. (”Daddy, why did mommy laugh at the Viagra commercial?”) Any way, this is Super Bowl week, and that means more new commercials and hopefully nothing to surprising at the halftime show, because it stars a 52-year-old Madonna (which is 97 in human years and 7000 in “Like A Virgin” years) Where was I? Oh yes, the commercials. Can any of them of equal these? Doubt it. We count down . . .

10. It’s The Count’s Top 5 — and a poll

What's the best Super Bowl commercial?

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So following are The Count’s top 5 all-time Super Bowl commercials. My only regret is the one that includes former Miss USA Ali Landry (doing her laundry in the Doritos commercial) is not more in focus, and does not last, like, I dunno, an hour, because to heck with the game. The Count Poll is listed below for you to vote on your favorite of the five, and you’re welcome to suggest one we have missed in The Count’s In-Box down below.

The Swear Jar (Bud Light)

Mean Joe’s Smelly Jersey (Coke)

Ali Landry’s Laundry Talents (Doritos)

Stinkin’ Badgers (Toyota Corolla)

The Party Monkeys (CareerBuilder.com)

9. Note to PETA: The Count fully endorses wingless chickens

I wasn't aware the chickens walked around wingless. Go figure. (via PETA.org)

I wasn't aware the chickens walked around wingless. Go figure. (via PETA.org)

Most Super Bowl parties will have chicken wings. Why wings and not just carrot sticks? Because we’re at the top of the food chain, damn’t, and we’re going to enjoy it while we can. I mean, if The Count, who comes from the bat family, isn’t offended at people eating wings, why should PETA be? But of course, they are. This from PETA’s food commies web site: “It’s estimated that some 600 million chickens are killed for the wings consumed just during the Super Bowl. Yikes! And that’s after the abuse they all suffered through on factory farms. Not only is this wing-eating obsession cruel, it also shows a lack of imagination. After all, there are so many mouth-watering alternatives to the old same-old same-old. For vegan game-day treats that will satisfy the most ravenous sports fan, check out these recipes for fab finger foods that won’t cost birds their limbs.” Those “mouth-watering alternatives” include vegan burgers, meatless hotdogs and fake BBQ riblets.” Mmmm.

8. About the Super Bowl: Giants win/won

I realize this is a free advertisement for a video game company, but I got suckered in by the email. EA Sports informs me that the Super Bowl was played on “Madden NFL 12″ and the New York Giants defeated New England 27-24 on a last-second field goal by Lawrence Tynes. I need to phone EA Sports how many times they had to play the Giants-Falcons game before the Falcons finally scored a friggin’ touchdown. Also, is there updated game software where you can duct tape Mike Mularkey to the goal post? The “game” highlights are below. (Post-script: The Madden game has correctly predicted six of the last eight winners, but missed on Green Bay-Pittsburgh last year.)

It’s only a game

7. Did Saban get recruit’s girlfriend a job?

Gotta be honest — I’ve never obsessed over this recruiting stuff. But some of the conspiracy theories are funny . . . and maybe even true. Here’s one we bring to you, via OutkickTheCoverage (and other sites). Remember that touted “five-star” recruit, Landon Collins, who upset his mother by picking Alabama over LSU? (Video below.) Well, the word going around — from April Collins, Landon’s mother — is that the player chose Alabama because the Nick Saban promised a job to his girlfriend (who can be seen in the video, standing behind her man). This is from the website, MomsTeam.com, that originally ran the interview with April Collins: “In all fairness to Saban and Alabama, I have been unable to independently confirm April’s story on this point (Citing NCAA rules, Doug Walker, Associate Athletics Director, Communications, at the University of Alabama, stated in an email to MomsTeam that the school “would not comment on anything relating to the recruitment of a prospective student-athlete.”  Asked if Landon’s girlfriend had been offered a job, he stated, “I have no information regarding that.”).  All I know is what April told me.” The Count’s long belief: Momma knows. Momma always knows.

6. Earth to Suh . . .

In his latest vehement denials of being a dirty football player, to say nothing of a weasel and a crumb (OK, I added that), Ndamukong Suh tells ESPN’s Hannah Storm that he can’t possibly have anger-management issues because, “I don’t have issues of beating up people in bars. I think people try and make their own opinion and I think it’s a storyline. It’s a great storyline. It’s kind of comical to me to keep saying something and really don’t have any substance behind it.” The unfortunate thing about Suh is that not only is he in denial about his own relative felonious acts but that the NFL is determined to make him a face of the league. And about the no-substance thing: I mean, seriously? Let’s cue up this clip from the CountTube.

This apparently doesn’t count as substance

5. Can it be — The Cameron Lazies?

The lunatic geek fringe appears to be on the decline.

The lunatic geek fringe appears to be on the decline.

Wow. We knew college basketball was off the radar — but even at Duke? This comes from The Duke Chronicle, via Lost Letterman. About only 650 students are filling the 1,200-seat student section at Cameron Indoor Stadium, which means 550 nerds are MIA. As a result, Duke is selling general admission tickets to the student section, no matter how dumb you are or what your SAT score was. One of Duke’s marketing guys, Mike Forman, said: “The enthusiasm hasn’t been there. [Coach Mike Krzyzewski] has had to drum up enthusiasm himself, which he shouldn’t have to do.” No. We don’t want to see Mikey grouchy. That would be … well, funny.

4. If a women’s sports league fell in a forest . . .

The storefront for too many women's sports leagues.

The storefront for too many women's sports leagues.

The Count gets a hard time from women’s sports fan(s) for not giving more coverage to things other than the sports leagues that people actually care about. So in the interest of equal time, here we go. The Atlanta Beat has folded. Again. Temporarily, any way, at least until it becomes permanent. The Beat was a women’s soccer team in a league called WUSA that folded in 2003. Now it’s in a league called WPS, which has suspended play for the 2012 season, largely because nobody cared. Officially, there’s something about a dispute with one of the owners. But that strikes me as a convenient excuse to fold a league, something along the lines of, “Oh look: It’s Tuesday.” Thriving leagues don’t fold because of disputes with an owner. (Even the NHL doesn’t fold — they just move teams to Winnipeg. Gary Bettman doesn’t want to lose his expense account or his official press conference step stool.) This is not me editorializing on whether women have the right to have pro sports leagues. It’s just recognizing the reality of the situation: If nobody’s watching and nobody cares, nobody’s going to show up with a camera and a notepad.

3. Tim Tebow and Porn Convention: It’s Pageview Armagedoon!

AVN2012225px-PNS_2707Yeah, really, I don’t have much to say about this. I just didn’t want to be the only one not to put Tim Tebow and porn convention in the same headline. The Las Vegas Review-Journal reports Tebow and “performers” at the AVN Awards (the Oscars for naughty movies) both stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel last weekend.

Tebow reportedly was in town to shoot a commercial, attended Cirque du Soleil, ate popcorn and stayed clear of all rubberized actresses.

2. Hawks: an undervalued stock?

forbes-nbaThe Hawks, playing without Al Horford, have the third best record in the Eastern Conference and are getting great play from Josh Smith and Jeff Teague. But if you’re wondering why the Atlanta Spirit have had a hard time attracting a buyers, here’s a clue: Forbes just released its annual NBA franchise valuations and the Hawks’ finished 28th out of 30 teams. Their estimated value of $270 million was an eight percent drop from last season and less than one-third the value of the league-leading Los Angeles Lakers ($900 million). Local television, radio and arena deals carry more weight in franchise values than whether Tracy McGrady is still walking. That’s what potential buyers look at. We like to consider Atlanta a major market, but the Hawks are even behind Sacremento ($300 million), New Orleans ($285 million), Indiana ($283 million), Charlotte ($277 million) and Minnesota ($272 million). The only two teams behind the Hawks are Memphis ($269 million) and Milwaukee ($268 million). The Hawks are in the same division as Miami ($457 million), Orlando ($385 million), Washington ($328 million) and Charlotte.

1. And finally . . .

The Count likes the Giants. They’ve been the most impressive team in the playoffs and the thought of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick losing another Super Bowl has the greatest mocking potential.

By Jeff Schultz

85 comments Add your comment

goldwreck

January 31st, 2012
9:31 am

I agree with your number 1.

5150 UOAD

January 31st, 2012
9:33 am

Long List well it takes a lot of Space.

5150 UOAD

January 31st, 2012
9:34 am

Hot chick of the day…..http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/training-day/201201/college-footballs-strongest-cheerleader

5150 UOAD

January 31st, 2012
9:37 am

I bet the Ali Landry commercial gave The Count a Poll. LoL

Hankie Aron

January 31st, 2012
9:37 am

juvenal

January 31st, 2012
9:41 am

Mean Joe-nolo contendere-’pends on Grond’s ankle………

Pawwwwl

January 31st, 2012
9:41 am

FYI Landon Collins’ mom’s last name is “Justin,” not “Collins.”

VOLinATL

January 31st, 2012
9:41 am

Welcome back, Count!!

Big Crimson 75

January 31st, 2012
9:42 am

I’d believe Mrs. Collins. She looks like she wouldn’t lie, about anything.

Big Crimson 75

January 31st, 2012
9:47 am

The Hawks have been run into the ground by the Spirit. Sad to see. This team actually plays with more heart than any of our other “pro” teams, plus they actually show up in the post-season. Why are these clowns still in hiding in the back-ground???? They got rid of Belkin(supposedly), they have a team with the 2nd best record in the East. Where are they?? They should be seen & heard!

Larvell Blanks

January 31st, 2012
9:50 am

Math’s not my strong suit, but if the Hawks are valued at $280 million, how are they behind Charlotte ($277 million) and Minnesota ($272 million)?

Najeh Davenpoop

January 31st, 2012
9:57 am

The best Super Bowl commercial of all time is the Miller Lite catfight commercial. Great taste! Less filling!

Bulldog Blackout

January 31st, 2012
9:57 am

Jeff, your hate for Bama always come through. Landon’s high school coach indicated that Landon has been wearing Bama stuff for two years and had planned on going to Bama for a long time. His girl friend is following him to Bama not the other way around. But, don’t let facts get in the way of a “put down Bama” story.

Corkylovesbeer

January 31st, 2012
10:00 am

Jeff, I am impressed that you read Clay Travis

Najeh Davenpoop

January 31st, 2012
10:00 am

By the way, Ndamukong Suh might be dirty but the Falcons sure could use someone like him since they decided Harvey Dahl’s services were no longer needed.

Najeh Davenpoop

January 31st, 2012
10:01 am

^^I realize they play on opposite sides of the ball, but I am referring to the mean streak, not the position played.

Call it like it is

January 31st, 2012
10:05 am

Saban doing something underhanded? Say it aint so count. Shock I tell you, shocked.

icallbs

January 31st, 2012
10:09 am

Jeff, excellent. Great stuff. Thanks for having a sense of humor – too rare these days. Please continue to take no prisoners. I’m “feeling” chicken wings for lunch today for some reason.

Good Grief

January 31st, 2012
10:10 am

Agreed, Larvell. I’m assuming Jeff meant $270 million. If not, maybe Jeff’s planning a run for Congress, where monetary figures mean nothing…

Good Grief

January 31st, 2012
10:15 am

Big Crimson 75 – The Spirit Group could run anything into the ground. They are quite possibly the worst ownership group in the history of sports. Honestly, I’d rather have the b%#^# owner from Major League (the movie) than the Spirit.

Just Asking

January 31st, 2012
10:15 am

What’ll it take for the Hawks to get some respect? Barkley hates to watch them but all they are doing this year is winning. They aren’t valued by Forbes, but how much will Orlando ($385 million) be valued without their big center? New Orleans is valued higher but no one even owns them (Owned by the NBA).

Good Grief

January 31st, 2012
10:16 am

Barkley hates to watch the Hawks because he can’t eat them.

Tide Rising

January 31st, 2012
10:19 am

You really should do a better job of research Jeff. Landon Collins had stated that he had known for 2 years that he wanted to go to Bama. Also his girlfriend is already enrolled at Alabama. Kinda hard to offer her a job when she is already enrolled fulltime as a student.

Secondly, if she needed a part time job to help make ends meet schools often help students find full or part time work not to mention full time careers when their schooling is over. There’s nothing illegal or dubious if he had told her the school would help her find some part time work. Why not? Schools do it for countless other students.

Once again you have done a very poorly researched article.

SawThat1nce

January 31st, 2012
10:25 am

#9. Note to PETA………PETA doesn’t say anything, or concern it’s self, with all of the soy bean plants that have to die, in order to make their disgusting finger food recipes.

Big Crimson 75

January 31st, 2012
10:25 am

Who cares what Chuck Barkley thinks?
The Spirit are the reason the Hawks are valued so low. Did you see the attendance at these Basketball meccas we played in on our current road trip — Detroit, Milwaukee, and before that Philly? Half-filled arena’s at best! But according to the media heads, Atl is the lousy pro town!
Uncle Ted will never be forgiven!!! I know, I know he sold to AOL/Time then they sold to the Spirit.
As far as Mrs. Collins — first off, never trust a woman with a weave. Secondly, how atrocious to steal the thunder from your own son. You can take a gal from the ghetto……….

SimpleDawg

January 31st, 2012
10:37 am

I like the Giants, also.

The coaches area wash.
The Giants have the better defense.
The Giants have the better running game.
The Giants have the better receivers.
The Patriots most dangerous weapon is injured.
The only plus for the Patriots is Tom Brady, and he may be on his back for much of the game.

Should be Giants by 17 points.

SawThat1nce

January 31st, 2012
10:51 am

“97 in human years and 7000 in Like A Virgin years”
That is some pretty funny stuff.

Teacher, Too

January 31st, 2012
10:53 am

The Count is back! The Count is back!

show up

January 31st, 2012
10:57 am

the hawks “show up” in the post-season?? ha ha ha—funny stuff! they choke every year.

DP

January 31st, 2012
10:59 am

Jeff, I guess you missed this story yesterday because as a real journalist I’m sure you wouldn’t want to drop some innuendo about an allegation from a website nobody has ever heard of, but Landon Collins’ pathetic excuse for a mother says the “job” that has been offered to her son’s girlfriend is being one of the hostesses who shows recruits around when they’re on campus.

http://www.al.com/sports/index.ssf/2012/01/landon_collins_mother_offers_r.html#incart_mce

Landon Collins has lived away from Mama with his Dad for years and it looks to me like she deeply regrets losing control of a kid who now appears to be a potential meal ticket for her. An ESPN article on them said when Landon told her he was going to commit to Alabama at the Under Armour game she wouldn’t come. He talked her into coming and then she embarrassed him on national TV, as shown in the picture posted with this column. But notice that while she’s acting like his relatively new girlfriend has flipped him to Alabama she tells al.com that they visited Alabama 2 years ago and fell in love with it. Landon has said he’s wanted to play there since he was in the 10th grade.

6IML

January 31st, 2012
11:09 am

DP,

This is no place for facts and the truth. This blog is about rumors and innuendo.

I’m sure Collin’s mother played a big part in his decision to go to BAMA. Meaning, he wanted to get away.

1eyedJack

January 31st, 2012
11:19 am

Let PETA eat soybeans, bean sprouts, and kelp. I’ll take the barnyard pimp any day, grilled, baked, or fried. I don’t care what they eat and I wish to hell they’d quit worrying about what I eat.

5150 UOAD

January 31st, 2012
11:21 am

Recruiting…..Sometimes your Sandusky and sometimes your the kid…..What Too Soon?

1eyedJack

January 31st, 2012
11:21 am

All professional basketball teams are overvalued. Way overvalued.

5150 UOAD

January 31st, 2012
11:22 am

1eyedJack you think PETA people are for or against oral sex? LOL

Tide Rising

January 31st, 2012
11:24 am

“alleges in an interview that Alabama head coach Nick Saban offered a job to Collins’ girlfriend. According to NCAA bylaws, however, this would not constitute a violation.”

So its just a non-paying job as a hostess anyway. Doesn’t matter. Even if Saban had offered her a paid job it still isn’t against NCAA rules.

Justin stated that she was involved in an altercation with her son’s girlfriend Victoria Lowery just before Collins announced his commitment to Alabama. Justin also told ESPN Magazine that she was offended by Saban’s recruiting tactics saying “I think he stereotyped me.”-ESPN magazine

You would think Jeff would learn his lesson about doing shoddy research. You would think anyway.

A pile of sh!t has 1,000 eyes

January 31st, 2012
11:25 am

You should listen to this DP fella. He knows what he’s talking about. More butthurt jealousy. Cue the Dawgs with their 4-loss “morals” and “ethics” in 3, 2, 1 …

Ted Striker

January 31st, 2012
11:27 am

I always (translation: sometimes) give credit when it is due.

So good column. Striker liked.

However I have to point out that Madonna doesn’t have the body of the typical 52 year old woman. She may have the STD count exceeding half the attendees at the AVN convention however her bod is pretty rockin’.

CAPTAIN CRUNCH.....

January 31st, 2012
11:31 am

Well, let me think about this…Nick “the Prick” getting jobs for a recruit’s girlfriend…Absolutely against NCAA rules….Nick “the Prick” getting 16 tailor made suits for his top wide receiver…Absolutely against NCAA rules….But Alabama says that Nick “the Prick” did nothing wrong….So who are we to question Alabama…Certainly not the NCAA…….So STFU….Move along…Nothing to see here….Alabama has said so……….

lucky21

January 31st, 2012
11:38 am

I award Jeff +1 for using the word “breastacles”

A pile of sh!t has 1,000 eyes

January 31st, 2012
11:46 am

Captain Crunch: Go get the f’n rule book you galactic jackass. You cannot offer friends of recruits jobs in college basketball. It’s legal in college football. Never let facts get in the way of a good argument. What a douche.

Dr. Phil

January 31st, 2012
11:46 am

The Mean Joe commercial was a classic, but my favorite was the cat herders. “Get along little kitty.” Louie the Lizard was pretty good too. I had a Louie tee shirt that mysteriously disappeared, and I suspect my wife destroyed it. What about the mud wrestlers?

Tide Rising

January 31st, 2012
11:50 am

I see that clueless Captain Crunch is devoid of facts and living in an imaginary world. And when you are ready please provide your evidence of 16 tailor made suits for his top wide receiver. You can do that right???

Tide Rising

January 31st, 2012
11:52 am

Still waiting on Captain coolaid to provide evidence of Saban getting 16 tailor made suits for his top wide receiver…

Moves like Jagger

January 31st, 2012
11:53 am

The Doritos commercial should be used every year!

Steve Jobs

January 31st, 2012
11:55 am

Best Superbowl commercial ever?

My 1984 commercial for the Mac. I’ve owned you wankers ever since.

1eyedJack

January 31st, 2012
11:57 am

5150, I’m not sure PETA folks have sex at all. Most of them are from the planet Uranus and come out of a test tube.

Joe Tess Fish House

January 31st, 2012
12:00 pm

How about Ray Lewis comercial for the ginsu knive! LOLOLOL!!!

He rueined the Superbowel 4 Altanta

A pile of sh!t has 1,000 eyes

January 31st, 2012
12:09 pm

I loved the one last year of little kid Darth Vader and Volkswagen

Columbus Dawg

January 31st, 2012
12:18 pm

I can’t believe that no columnist has written about the fact that the little boy brained p.o.s. Cameron Newton was selected to the Pro Bowl over Matthew Stafford who put himself in with some all time greats with over 5000 yards passing in regular season in 2011. Has anyone else noticed that just about everything that would appear to be right in this country is overlooked and replaced by something that is just plain wrong or corrupt? I watched some of every Carolina Panther game that I had time to watch this past season in hopes that a big bad lb or d lineman would end Newton’s career. It is a damn shame that just about anything and everything these days is noticeably corrupt.