Hello. I am back.
Weekend Predictions, which like college football has no playoff system and often makes no sense, one difference being our advisory board has the built-in excuse of the shiitake’s mutant and illegal cousin, traditionally returns for one bowl edition.
It has been another profitable season. W.P. Inc. is 26 games above .500 against the line. But of course all I get are no tips, no thank-you notes, just emails that read, “Ya moron! Ya picked the Gators to beat the Dawgs! Coach Richt is going to smite your liberal West Coast beehind! Hey Marge, I got him good. Pop-Tarts ready yet?”
OK, let’s make this quick. Too many games to get to.
Georgia has had a good week. There has been no news of academic suspensions — fill in name of oft-speculated freshman running back — and I think the Dogs already have clinched the 2012 SEC East title, given Alabama has been dropped from the Hostess-wrapped schedule.
Here’s a nice consolation prize for having their limbs ripped off by LSU: sunshine (Outback Bowl) and Michigan State (good defense but No. 60 offense). And to think, 12 months ago, Georgia was losing to Central Florida in the Liberty Bowl.
A season completed in the alternate universe: Dogs cover 3½.
Get Your Hands Off My Wings
Sun: Tech-Utah: Paul Johnson’s offense has managed only 24 points in the past three bowls. Al Groh’s defense has allowed 99 points in the past three games. Also, the Jackets haven’t won a bowl game since I think 1937. But wait! Here comes the Sun! Tech covers 2½.
Chick-fil-A: Virginia-Auburn: All-SEC running back Michael Dyer has been suspended for unknown reasons. Funny. Last year Cam Newton wasn’t suspended and everybody thought the reasons for one were obvious. Auburn covers 3.
Capital Uno: Nebraska-South Carolina: So now everyone’s giving Steve Spurrier a warm embrace for his coaching this year. Never mind that he took enabling to new levels with Stephen Garcia. The guy would go to an AA meeting and suggest everybody just switch to light beer if he thought it would help him win a game. Take the 2½ and Nebraska in an upset.
Urban Gator Bowl: Ohio State-Florida: It’s the “Beatles at Shea,” with Urban Meyer in the roles of all four Beatles. He’ll arrive by helicopter, sing “Twist And Shout” and “Can’t Buy Me Love” (he’ll lie) and then bask in the afterglow of his former and future kingdoms. Gators cover 2.
The Fab 1 . . .
Fiesta: Stanford-Oklahoma State: Andrew Luck, Stanford kid, noted this week that Frank Lloyd Wright had a winter home named Taliesin West in Scottsdale, Ariz., near the Fiesta Bowl. Yeah. I think he probably can read a defense. Cardinal covers 3½.
BCS Zit Of The Year: Virginia Tech earned its way to the Sugar Bowl by losing its last game to Clemson 38-10. Your honor: The prosecution rests. Michigan covers 2½.
Rose: Empire vs. Wisconsin: Just saw Oregon’s latest uniforms to be unveiled. The Ducks will make it to the game, assuming they don’t miss their connecting flight on the Death Star. Ducks cover 6.
Orange: Clemson-West Virginia: Once again, the Tigers have enough talent to overcome Dabo Swinney. Clemson covers 3.
Cotton: Arkansas vs. K-State: Bobby Petrino lost his three coordinators in the past few weeks. He hates it when people just walk out like that. Piggies win, but take K-State and 7½.
And, drum roll …
BCS Sorta Championship: Alabama over LSU: Yeah, I hate rematches, too. But these are the two best teams, and the best of the two didn’t win the last time because of a crooked-footed kicker. Not going to happen twice. Bama wins and covers 1.
NFL Fridge Pack
Bucs at Falcons: I have a question for anybody who’s upset that the Saints drove to that final touchdown Monday night to get Drew Brees the passing record: Would you really feel that much better if the final score were 38-16? Falcons cover 13.
Cowboys at Giants: There are no bad outcomes here, Dallas losing and Jerry Jones spontaneously combusting when the Cowboys don’t make the playoffs again gets the edge over miserable New York fans. Giants cover 3.
Lions at Packers: The Lions can clinch the No. 5 seed with a win, and Ndamukong Suh is psyched. He just eye-gouged a Salvation Army bell-ringer in front of Kroger. It’s a risk, but take Packers and 3½ as a home ‘dog.
Redskins at Dream Team: It will be fascinating to watch Michael Vick vs. DeAngelo Hall in the playoffs. Oh, wait a minute. Eagles cover 9.
Chiefs at Broncos: Some survey just named Tim Tebow the most desirable celebrity neighbor for 2012. John Elway voted for Sofia Vergara, who did not throw four interceptions last week in Buffalo. Broncos wins, but take the Chiefs and 3½.
Chargers at Raiders: There’s something wrong with Norv Turner’s plane ticket to Oakland. It says “coach.” Oakland covers 3.
Damn, I’m Good
“A gambler with a system must be, to a greater or lesser extent, insane.” — George Augustus Sala
In our last episode: 7-3 straight up, 5-5 against the line.
Your 2011 financial report: 116-44 straight up; 92-66-2 against the line.
By Jeff Schultz