Hello and welcome to that special time of year, and I speak of course of when we overindulge on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, potatoes au gratin, Mr. Potato, potato chips and onion dip, creamed corn, that string-bean-mushroom soup-Styrofoam-onion-ring thing that nobody really eats but the dog loves it when you mix it in his kibble, probably something with cheese, rolls (three kinds), margarine (light) and three to seven desserts, after which we fall face down in our plate of Cool Whip remnants and lapse into a tryptophan coma … until we wake up at 3:45 a.m. and scream, “NOOO! I OVERSLEPT! Play-doh goes on sale at Toy Zoo for 39 cents in 15 minutes! Where are my keys!?!” And then you take one step and suddenly there’s a strange jingling sound coming from your stomach.
By the way, if you go to Walmart on Black Friday, just don’t tell Paul Johnson, or he might punch you. (Actually, after Johnson mocked a barking Georgia fan on his call-in show, saying, “He just got off from Walmart,” I had this vision of Johnson’s version of Hades: Handing out happy face stickers as a greeter .)
So here we are again: It’s Georgia (Tech) vs. Georgia (Tech). (You decide which school goes first. I’m Switzerland. Or Snellville.)
Georgia has the advantage of a better defense. But it has the disadvantage of every running back always seemingly injured, suspended or sufficiently numbed.
Georgia Tech has the advantage of a running game that Georgia hasn’t really stopped in three years. But it has suffered from the hiccups of youth and just allowed 31 points to Duke.
If Tech wins, Johnson may smile.
If Georgia wins, I figure the Richts get to at least second base.
Ever see that famous kiss scene in, “From Here to Eternity?” Get ready for Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr on the Georgia sideline.
Pucker up: Dogs win and cover 6.
Mark and Katharyn (or Burt and Deborah)
Hey! He got two!
Black Friday Blowouts!
(Guaranteed until 3:15 a.m.)
Arkansas at LSU: The Piggies think they can pull the upset, but I don’t see how getting waxed by Alabama 38-14 puts you in the same category as LSU (which beat Alabama). Rest easy, BCS. Tigers win but take Arkansas and 12½.
Alabama at Auburn: Bama blew a 24-0 lead to Auburn in Tuscaloosa last year and lost 28-27. Nick Saban probably still remembers the deli guy who accidentally put mayo on his turkey sandwich 37 years ago, you think he’s forgetting this? He even had a “Never Again” poster with images of the scoreboard and Cam Newton plastered on the locker room wall. Duck. Tide covers 21.
Clemson at South Carolina: Clemson has gone from BCS contender to getting dropped by Georgia Tech and N.C. State and beating Wake Forest by a field goal. For about seven minutes, they had everybody fooled. Gamecocks cover 4½.
Florida St. at Florida: Urban Meyer claims he hasn’t had coaching relations with Ohio State, at least not as he defines it, which should not to be confused with the truth. Just wondering: Given that gut-wrenching, emotional exit from Gainesville, will there be a “quality family time” clause in his new contract? Seminoles cover 2½.
It’s Urban Meyer as “Tommy Flanagan”
Laid An Egg Bowl: I’m not sure why Ole Miss subjected its fan base to extra weeks of Houston Nutt. Does masochism now qualify as a tax deduction? Miss State covers 17½.
Boston College at Miami: Miami president Donna Shalala didn’t consult with Al Golden before declaring the Hurricanes dead for bowl season, which is fine with Golden because he had planned to meet with realtors in State College that week, anyway. Canes work out their anger, cover 14.
NFL Fridge Pack
Minnesota at Falcons: The Vikings got themselves back into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes by breaking Adrian Peterson’s ankle. At least, that’s the story I’m going with. Biggest question this week is whether Matt “No Huddle” Ryan let Mike Mularkey call any plays Sunday. Birds cover 9½.
Gainesville West at San Diego: Tebowmaniacs are mad at Denver exec John Elway because he refused to pledge his undying devotion to Tim Tebow. So I guess this means winning two Super Bowls and being recognized as one of the 10 best quarterbacks in NFL history doesn’t qualify somebody as an expert. Blasphemy! Chargers cover 6½.
Buffalo at N.Y. Jets: Rex Ryan’s stock has dropped so much, his wife just put her socks on. (Lost? Google.) Jets win but take Buffalo and 8.
Sorry, I just had to revisit this
Chicago at Oaktown: Jay Cutler is out with a broken thumb. Bears fans are irate. This makes two straight years he ducked out for something less kidney failure. For the love of Nagurski. Raiders cover 4½.
New England at Dream Team: The Eagles have won one in a row and LeSean McCoy thinks they can run the table and make the playoffs. Is there drug testing this week? Patriots cover 3.
Important “Sack Schultz” update: Congrats to Tony Vinelli (brother of Milli?), who won tickets to the Georgia-Georgia Tech game. He is 143-37 to this point. There are four contestants tied for first for the Hawaii trip and 27 folks within two of the lead going into the final week! I’m in 3,080th place. I think that means I have to drive the winner to the airport and feed their dog while they’re gone.
“No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.” — Thomas Robert Dewar.
Last week (hot garbage): 9-2 straight up, 2-8-1 against the line.
Overall (still profitable): 99-39 straight up; 78-58-2 against the line.
By Jeff Schultz