Weekend Predictions: Dogs roll, Falcons win boring (please)

Legend has it that W.C. Fields was lying in a hospital bed, his organs significantly pickled, when somebody walked in and was astonished to see Fields holding a Bible. When asked why he suddenly had interest in the Bible, Fields responded: “I’m looking for loopholes.”

I’m not sure why this story reminds me of Georgia. Maybe because at 0-2, nothing short of locusts overtaking the rest of the SEC East figured to leave the door open for the Bulldogs. Then came the Stephen Garcia-Marcus Lattimore-John Brantley trifecta of Old Testament plagues and suddenly Mark Richt had a loophole to drive his F-150 through.

W.C. and the Dogs found the loophole.

And now all the Bulldogs have to do is … beat Kentucky? This is sort of like the Allied Forces overrunning Eastern Europe and then being told, “OK. So there’s this nice little coffee and danish stand in Liechtenstein. Take over that, and we’ll declare you the winner.”

Georgia has won eight straight. It’s coming off a 45-7 win over Auburn. Kentucky is 1-5 in the SEC. Its only victory was the last pie in the face Ole Miss could take before drop-kicking Houston Nutt. When you provide a new level of humiliation for Ole Miss, you know something is wrong.

Kentucky? Great. Can I get a latte to go?

I know. Everybody’s assuming that even if the Dogs put the wraps on the East, they’re going to get plucked, stuffed and roasted by LSU. Whatever. In the words of the poet, Otter, who turned to Hoover as the Delta House was circling the Faber College drain: “I’ve got news for you, pal. They’re going to nail us no matter what we do. So we might as well have a good time.”

Toga party!

(Granted, I’m struggling with the visual of Mark Richt in a toga.)

The line is a whopper: 30½. Not really comfortable with that. But after last week, I’ll err to the side of a wrecking ball. Dogs win, cover and float on air to the Georgia Dome.

Toga, Toga, Toga . . .

Faber College

(Where Knowledge is Good)

Georgia Tech at Duke: The fact it’s been a better-than-expected season for the Jackets is overshadowed by the gut-punch that a win over Virginia Tech could’ve turned Tech-Duke into a potential ACC Coastal clincher. Instead, Tech-Duke is preserved in its usual state. Nobody cares. That’s just how Mike Krzyzewski likes it. Tech covers 10½.

Alternate Universe Bowl: Tennessee is 0-6 in the SEC . Vanderbilt is one win from being bowl eligible. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of the school in Nashville holding up the football end of things in Tennessee. It’s clear Vandy coach James Franklin has changed the culture on campus: safety Andre Simmons was just charged with armed robbery. Vandy, this is your SEC Bar Mitzvah! Commies cover 1½ on the road.

LSU at Ole Miserable: The Rebels’ quarterback and running back were suspended, but they’ve been playing without a coach for years. Watching Nutt go down in flames is the hardest I’ve laughed since Wile E. Coyote suddenly realized too late that he had run off the mountain road. Don’t look down, Houston: LSU covers 29½.

Houston: You have a problem (poof)

Georgia Southern at Alabama: It’s the battle of No. 3s: FBS vs. FCS. Both are 9-1. One couldn’t get past LSU. The other couldn’t get past Appalachian State. I give the coaching edge to Jeff Monken over Nick Saban because his team hasn’t been held to two field goals in any game this season. I’ll dance with the 45 (sucker). Tide win, but don’t cover.

Virginia at Florida State: Virginia is rolling, but something tells me the love train is derailing. Just as well. Al Groh is starting to get really irritated. Seminoles cover 17½.

Mississippi State at Arkansas: Dan Mullen is looking a week ahead to a win (Mississippi). Bobby Petrino is looking a week ahead to an oncoming train (LSU). Piggies win, but take the Bulldogs and 13½.

Packers and Lesser Beings

Tennessee at Falcons: And for his next trick, Mike Smith is going to do a “Triple Lindy” off the top of the hot-dog stand behind section 243 into an empty box of Milk Duds, from where he will signal for a triple-reverse halfback option. Please. No more daredevil acts on fourth down. Just give me a grilled cheese and a side of boredom. Falcons cover 6.

Smitty’s Triple Lindy (through YouTube, damn embedding police)

OK, last editorial on the decision (because Herm is funny)
Philly at N.Y. Giants: The Eagles are 3-6, which basically means they have to win the last seven games and get four losses reversed on replay to meet 14-2 projections. They are so dead. Fortunately, it’s not like they’ve tied up $100 million in one player. Oh, wait a minute. Giants cover 4½.

Sick Bay at Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers: 28 touchdowns, 3 interceptions and a bottomless beer mug at any Fantasy football draft. Packers cover 14 over Tampa.

Carolina at Detroit Correctional Institute: After tearing off Jay Cutler’s helmet and nearly his head last week, Lions assault weapon Ndamukong Suh declared, “Part of the game.” Where, Leavenworth? Lions cover 7.

Buffalo at Miami: After scoring a touchdown in Dallas last week, David Nelson ran down the sideline and hugged a Cowboys cheerleader (his girlfriend) and gave her the football. I figure if there’s hope for a Bills’ player, there’s hope for everybody. “Hey, babycakes. Wanna see my steno pad?” Fish win, but take Buffalo and 2½.

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Toteboard

“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”  — Kin Hubbard.

Last week (not so hot): 9-3 straight up, 5-7 against the line. Overall: 90-37 straight up; 76-50-1 against the line. “Sack Schultz” update: Jim Layfield of Millsboro, DE., went 15-0 last week. He used darts. It’s still a tight race for the UGA-Tech tickets and the trip to Hawaii.

By Jeff Schultz

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