Weekend Predictions: Dogs roll, Falcons win boring (please)

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Legend has it that W.C. Fields was lying in a hospital bed, his organs significantly pickled, when somebody walked in and was astonished to see Fields holding a Bible. When asked why he suddenly had interest in the Bible, Fields responded: “I’m looking for loopholes.”

I’m not sure why this story reminds me of Georgia. Maybe because at 0-2, nothing short of locusts overtaking the rest of the SEC East figured to leave the door open for the Bulldogs. Then came the Stephen Garcia-Marcus Lattimore-John Brantley trifecta of Old Testament plagues and suddenly Mark Richt had a loophole to drive his F-150 through.

W.C. and the Dogs found the loophole.

W.C. and the Dogs found the loophole.

And now all the Bulldogs have to do is … beat Kentucky? This is sort of like the Allied Forces overrunning Eastern Europe and then being told, “OK. So there’s this nice little coffee and danish stand in Liechtenstein. Take over that, and we’ll declare you the winner.”

Georgia has won eight straight. It’s coming off a 45-7 win over Auburn. Kentucky is 1-5 in the SEC. Its only victory was the last pie in the face Ole Miss could take before drop-kicking Houston Nutt. When you provide a new level of humiliation for Ole Miss, you know something is wrong.

Kentucky? Great. Can I get a latte to go?

I know. Everybody’s assuming that even if the Dogs put the wraps on the East, they’re going to get plucked, stuffed and roasted by LSU. Whatever. In the words of the poet, Otter, who turned to Hoover as the Delta House was circling the Faber College drain: “I’ve got news for you, pal. They’re going to nail us no matter what we do. So we might as well have a good time.”

Toga party!

(Granted, I’m struggling with the visual of Mark Richt in a toga.)

The line is a whopper: 30½. Not really comfortable with that. But after last week, I’ll err to the side of a wrecking ball. Dogs win, cover and float on air to the Georgia Dome.

Toga, Toga, Toga . . .

Faber College

(Where Knowledge is Good)

Georgia Tech at Duke: The fact it’s been a better-than-expected season for the Jackets is overshadowed by the gut-punch that a win over Virginia Tech could’ve turned Tech-Duke into a potential ACC Coastal clincher. Instead, Tech-Duke is preserved in its usual state. Nobody cares. That’s just how Mike Krzyzewski likes it. Tech covers 10½.

Alternate Universe Bowl: Tennessee is 0-6 in the SEC . Vanderbilt is one win from being bowl eligible. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of the school in Nashville holding up the football end of things in Tennessee. It’s clear Vandy coach James Franklin has changed the culture on campus: safety Andre Simmons was just charged with armed robbery. Vandy, this is your SEC Bar Mitzvah! Commies cover 1½ on the road.

LSU at Ole Miserable: The Rebels’ quarterback and running back were suspended, but they’ve been playing without a coach for years. Watching Nutt go down in flames is the hardest I’ve laughed since Wile E. Coyote suddenly realized too late that he had run off the mountain road. Don’t look down, Houston: LSU covers 29½.

Houston: You have a problem (poof)

Georgia Southern at Alabama: It’s the battle of No. 3s: FBS vs. FCS. Both are 9-1. One couldn’t get past LSU. The other couldn’t get past Appalachian State. I give the coaching edge to Jeff Monken over Nick Saban because his team hasn’t been held to two field goals in any game this season. I’ll dance with the 45 (sucker). Tide win, but don’t cover.

Virginia at Florida State: Virginia is rolling, but something tells me the love train is derailing. Just as well. Al Groh is starting to get really irritated. Seminoles cover 17½.

Mississippi State at Arkansas: Dan Mullen is looking a week ahead to a win (Mississippi). Bobby Petrino is looking a week ahead to an oncoming train (LSU). Piggies win, but take the Bulldogs and 13½.

Packers and Lesser Beings

Tennessee at Falcons: And for his next trick, Mike Smith is going to do a “Triple Lindy” off the top of the hot-dog stand behind section 243 into an empty box of Milk Duds, from where he will signal for a triple-reverse halfback option. Please. No more daredevil acts on fourth down. Just give me a grilled cheese and a side of boredom. Falcons cover 6.

Smitty’s Triple Lindy (through YouTube, damn embedding police)

OK, last editorial on the decision (because Herm is funny)
Philly at N.Y. Giants: The Eagles are 3-6, which basically means they have to win the last seven games and get four losses reversed on replay to meet 14-2 projections. They are so dead. Fortunately, it’s not like they’ve tied up $100 million in one player. Oh, wait a minute. Giants cover 4½.

Sick Bay at Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers: 28 touchdowns, 3 interceptions and a bottomless beer mug at any Fantasy football draft. Packers cover 14 over Tampa.

Carolina at Detroit Correctional Institute: After tearing off Jay Cutler’s helmet and nearly his head last week, Lions assault weapon Ndamukong Suh declared, “Part of the game.” Where, Leavenworth? Lions cover 7.

Buffalo at Miami: After scoring a touchdown in Dallas last week, David Nelson ran down the sideline and hugged a Cowboys cheerleader (his girlfriend) and gave her the football. I figure if there’s hope for a Bills’ player, there’s hope for everybody. “Hey, babycakes. Wanna see my steno pad?” Fish win, but take Buffalo and 2½.

Toteboard

“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”  — Kin Hubbard.

Last week (not so hot): 9-3 straight up, 5-7 against the line. Overall: 90-37 straight up; 76-50-1 against the line. “Sack Schultz” update: Jim Layfield of Millsboro, DE., went 15-0 last week. He used darts. It’s still a tight race for the UGA-Tech tickets and the trip to Hawaii.

By Jeff Schultz

Follow me on Twitter (@JeffSchultzAJC). Friend me on Facebook (Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC).

267 comments Add your comment

Finebalm

November 17th, 2011
1:13 pm

WitStream

November 17th, 2011
1:15 pm

For the last time: the only thing wrong with the decision was the play call. Not only did they not simply spread the field and run a sneak, but they ran the exact same formation they had prior to the Saints time out, taken to detect what sort of play the Falcons were planning. Just incredibly bad coaching.

The good part is any expectations of this team being elite any time soon are gone, so Sundays will be more relaxing and less of an emotional rollercoaster. Thanks?

SSIgator

November 17th, 2011
1:15 pm

“and float on air to the Georgia Dome”

Only is the new stash has arrived in time for the Doobie Brothers backfield. Oh, and don’t forget to have the equipment manager stock up on the Doritos and Twinkies.

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:16 pm

Meanwhile, Crowell said he will be 100 percent for Saturday’s game. However, he said has been playing with ailments all season.

“I have always stayed pretty healthy,” said Crowell, who leads the Bulldogs with 821 yards rushing in nine games. “I’ve had, you know, small stuff, but it wasn’t back-to-back like this. … Something hurts all the time, but I’m getting used to it. It’s mostly aches and bruises.”

Nothin a lil Mary Jane won’t cure…

TooSmart4Skewl

November 17th, 2011
1:17 pm

Tech to el paso! LOL! Have Fun!

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:18 pm

Schultz : “Then came the Stephen Garcia-Marcus Lattimore-John Brantley trifecta of Old Testament plagues and suddenly Mark Richt had a loophole to drive his F-150 through.”

LMAO !

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:21 pm

“After scoring a touchdown in Dallas last week, David Nelson ran down the sideline and hugged a Cowboys cheerleader (his girlfriend) and gave her the football.”

Dudes, look at that creepy photographer on the right of the cheerleader…

Jamaaliver

November 17th, 2011
1:21 pm

Am I in the minority in thinking GT has had a successful season after exceeding expectations from pre-season?

Winning Record. Bowl Eligible. Record setting victory/revenge on Kansas.
Optimism going into next season. Upset of a top ten ACC rival.

Not bad considering what I was anticipating back in August. Hopefully the good press helps in recruiting come January. Especially on the DEFENSIVE side of the ball.

Chuck

November 17th, 2011
1:21 pm

Yet another dig from a program whose entire starting unit could test positive for grass and nobody would ever know.

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:24 pm

Jeff, did you check out the What A Woderful World Death Metal version on youtube ?

Gdawg

November 17th, 2011
1:24 pm

SSIgator, when is Jenoris Jenkins delivering that stash you are talking about??????
Gayters are so 2008!

Finebalm

November 17th, 2011
1:25 pm

Yeah, the gaters run a clean program no one on their team smokes. All their off field arrests, murder threats, etc. were just misunderstandings with the man.

gtne80

November 17th, 2011
1:27 pm

They say not to pick an underdog unless you believe that they can actually win the games. I’m bucking that. Give me Duke and the 10 1/2 and Virginia and the 17 1/2.

Tech SHOULD beat Duke. However several factors make me believe that it will be closer than expected if not an outright upset.
1. Week and a half off since Thursday game.
2. No energy in stadium from opposing crowd. Tech’s not famous for bringing their own energy to these games.
3. Duke’s played several common opponents tough.
4. Cutcliffe is likely to have some offensive wrinkles for Al’s defense.

Something tells me that Tech will come out flat. I hope we don’t come out so flat that we let Duke get a sizeable early lead.

UVa has surprised a lot of people this year. They’re not the pushover that people expect them to be (it’s hard to live down a long held reputation). FSU was eliminated from the running in their division last week. Should be closer than 2 and a half touchdowns.

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:29 pm

Jordan Rodgers is pretty impressive as QB for Vandy. He’s too short but the guy can throw the ball and is fearless running it !

gtne80

November 17th, 2011
1:31 pm

Give me Duke +10 1/2 and UVa +17 1/2. Tech and FSU should win, but suspect both will come out flat and won’t cover.

juvenal

November 17th, 2011
1:32 pm

Jeff, you predict bladder is out at fifyfofum?

Paul in NH

November 17th, 2011
1:32 pm

I knew Georgia’s season wasn’t over when they started 0-2. Was it over when the German’s bombed Pearl Harbor?

WKH

November 17th, 2011
1:35 pm

Your Delta Tau Chi name is....

November 17th, 2011
1:35 pm

[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt [...]

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:36 pm

Jeff, put a Dennis Green “tired of this” or the infamous “playoffs” Jim Mora video on next week please !

Dan the man

November 17th, 2011
1:37 pm

Georgia wins the Big East? More like the Weak East lol. Have fun getting your butts kicked losers. Georgia sux

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:40 pm

What A Wonderful World Death Metal version : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6z1wA20hrA

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:43 pm

dean

November 17th, 2011
1:44 pm

College FB upsets are KILLING me @ Sack Schultz. Anyone who was 15 out of 15 the last couple of weeks are either hackers or future lottery winners!

dean

November 17th, 2011
1:46 pm

Uh, Paul in NH.

If it was the Germans who bombed Pearl Harbor we nuked the wrong country.

Bristol Palin 2012

November 17th, 2011
1:47 pm

Not so fast my friend!

Dooley rallies the Vols for an epic, OT signature win. GBO!

juvenal

November 17th, 2011
1:50 pm

dean-pretty sure he was joking…..

Pick 'Em Hard

November 17th, 2011
1:51 pm

I think Virginia covers 17.5 against FSU. Remember Virginia beat Ga Tech…

dean

November 17th, 2011
1:54 pm

Hmmmm. Not sure he was joking. If he was, it was funny in a Castanza kind of funny.

Joey

November 17th, 2011
1:55 pm

0 for October.

You know who you are . . .

Ernmeister

November 17th, 2011
1:56 pm

UGA-Tech tickets? Oh good Lord! I’m riding along in 7th right now, but faced with the threat of Tech tickets, I’m taking a dive this weekend that will make Rodney Dangerfield look like an Olympic professional. Why didn’t somebody warn me before I entered Sack Shultz? Bottom, here I come!

DawgInaTruck

November 17th, 2011
1:56 pm

dean, please tell me you have seen Animal House. If not, you need to watch it. THEN, you’ll get the joke.

Dawggum

November 17th, 2011
1:57 pm

Paul in NH
I got the Animal House reference and thought it was daggum funny!

dean

November 17th, 2011
2:01 pm

Oh God. I’m busted. I have NEVER watched Animal House! My apologies Paul in NH.

But I have watched GWTW twice and The Wizard of Oz 1,368 times(Hey. I have kids.).

robodawg

November 17th, 2011
2:02 pm

I don’t think the Dawgs will struggle against Kentucky. They give us fits when all we have left to play for is bowl position. Or when we’re looking ahead. Not this time, not one win away from clinching the East. We should be plenty motivated.

Joey

November 17th, 2011
2:05 pm

UK gave us fits in ‘08, then beat us in Athens in ‘09.

The Cats won’t come close Saturday because of Todd Grantham and his D.

DC

November 17th, 2011
2:07 pm

poor girl didn’t know what to do after she got the football haha

juvenal

November 17th, 2011
2:08 pm

so, dean, why would anyone leave anywhere, especially a neat place like oz, to go to KANSAS?

D Fence

November 17th, 2011
2:09 pm

Meanwhile the Gaytors and their just another Orgeron headcoach squeak by the Paladians, As the famous Furman cheer goes, FU Once, FU Twice, FU all the time. How’s it looking at the bottom of the SEC? You guys are lucky UT and Ole Miss stink. Get used to your position in the East, the tide has turned.

gbal

November 17th, 2011
2:10 pm

Great write Jeff…. Stick to this humor and lay off TG’s extension stories alright!!HAHA

Simeon Rice N Gravy

November 17th, 2011
2:10 pm

Congrats on the new Muppets movie coming out, Jeffie. Your writing stinks, though. It is borderline yellow journalism. Again, my most sarcastic congrats.

Jeff in G-ville

November 17th, 2011
2:12 pm

Why did Georgia Southern agree to play Alabama a week before the FCS playoffs begin? What a great idea! Let’s get pounded by some of the biggest guys in the country the week before we begin the playoffs. If I’m GSU, I don’t play any starters.

GSUEagles

November 17th, 2011
2:12 pm

The Bama game is a paycheck game that will go to help build our stadium project coming up. Nothing more.

egeagle

November 17th, 2011
2:19 pm

Just a few remarks from the GS Eagle Nation. We’re ready to soften the Tide up for Auburn and we look forward to another playoff run. With a break or two, we could bring home title #7. Y’all want to know what makes being a GS fan so good? Titles EARNED on the field, upcoming playoff runs,and a team and coaching staff dedicated to giving 110 per cent each time we tee it up. There will be even more of a mirror effect going on at Bama this weekend than Jeff mentions with our both being #3 in our respective divisions. Our unis are of similar design, we are both back to our dominant ways, and we share a winning tradition. We were even called the Blue Tide in the 1930’s.
Our biblical loophole is the story of David vs. Goliath, Maybe we can bring a few stones from Beautiful Eagle Creek and fell the giant, but if not, we’ll give it all we have and hope to avoid any injuries that might hurt us in the playoffs.
Count on this: We’ll show up, play hard, and do our best.
See y;all in Tuscaloosa.

1eyedJack

November 17th, 2011
2:20 pm

I can’t believe anybody has never seen Animal House. Younger Generation. No respect for the classics.

“I put it to you, Dean. Isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society?”

ICMIII

November 17th, 2011
2:23 pm

My advice to you,…drink heavily.

Georgian in exile

November 17th, 2011
2:32 pm

Jeff, great read as always. Quick question – whatcha got against Houston Nutt?