Hello, and welcome back to another adventure of, “Yeah, I knew that would happen.”
Before getting to this week’s episode, “My Three Ideas To Fix Government: Um, uh … oops,” by Rick Perry, I have great financial news.
This is Weekend Predictions No. 11 for the season. And Friday’s date is 11/11/11. Ooh. Scary.
According to Chinese feng shui — OK, according to a story I saw about a chain letter going around that referenced the date being Chinese feng shui-friendly — calendar dates with repeating “1’s” in it are called “moneybags.” Word is that you need only refer this news to eight friends, assuming none work in State College, to assure yourself of riches, so sayeth, the proverb.
In gambling, this is what we like to refer to as, “A system.” Also bankruptcy.
My last system blew up. When Georgia started the season 0-2, I applied the, “They’re Toast” system and it didn’t work. Two months later, the Bulldogs are going into a weekend with a chance to clinch the SEC East, just like absolutely nobody thought, and I’m talking to you, Mr. Bulldog Boxer Shorts who wakes up next to an empty PBR can and now claims he knew it all along. This kind of mutant evolution is why I’m thoroughly convinced that Perry is on his way to the White House despite telling the world in a Republican debate this week that he wants to eliminate three agencies of the U.S. government: “Commerce. Education. And um … um … uh.”
It’s Moe. People always forget Moe.
So back to things that don’t make sense: If South Carolina loses to Florida, the Dogs can clinch the East with a win over Auburn. And then they’ll face Arkansas in the SEC title game. Because the Piggies will upset LSU in three weeks. I’m convinced is feng shui destiny and it actually would be cool because it would be Coach Pigface’s first game back in the Georgia Dome since he sacrificed a goat, blew out of town and I think stole six folding chairs.
I know. Makes no sense. So what are we doing here?
Las Vegas has so bought into the Dogs that bookie dudes have made them 13-point favorites. Whoa. Too much feng shui gives me gas.
My moneybags are going the other way. Dogs win but won’t cover 13.
Rick Perry Breaks Down The BCS
*** Thursday Internet Only Special ***
VaTech at GaTech: The Hokies were bodyslammed at home by Clemson, 23-3. Clemson is the team Georgia Tech just beat. The Jackets also are 2-0 against ranked teams this season, 6-0 at home against top-25 teams under Johnson, 5-0 at home this season, 3-0 in night games this season and, most amazing of all, undefeated in school history when time expires and they have more points than the other team. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention. This is the week I read the press notes. Take the 1 but Jackets win straight up.
Update: one loss down. The Jackets lost Thursday night 37-26. But at least now we know where my only loss this weekend is.
Just Football (Please)
Florida at South Carolina: Hey, not saying this game means a lot to Will Muschamp or anything. But he recalled sitting outside of Steve Spurrier’s office when he wanted to walk-on as a player at Florida and Spurrier never showed up. Muschamp: “He was 2-under at the turn, so I guess we didn’t get a chance to see him.” Little joke. Gamecocks win but take the Gators and 3½.
Alabama at Road Kill: Mississippi State’s wins this season: Memphis, Louisiana Tech (in overtime), UAB, Kentucky, Tennessee Martin. The losses: Everybody who matters. At least Dan Mullen gets to face Nick Saban in a good mood this week. Or not. Tide covers 17½ — by halftime.
Road Kill II at LSU: Somebody just asked Les Miles who his predecessor was. He couldn’t remember. Tigers cover 41½.
Louisiana Tech at Mississippi: Karma has a mean left hook. Ole Miss fired coach Houston Nutt and athletic director Pete Boone, who had fired David Cutcliffe. He later hired Nutt because, I dunno, Nutt had some great real estate tip on a landfill and a cool ‘72 Impala. If I’m Cutcliffe, I’m crank-calling these bozos 24/7. LaTech covers 2.
Houston Nutt, starring in “Breaking Away”
Miami School of Bidness at FSU: First, Canes safety Ray-Ray Armstrong was suspended four games for mixing with Nevin Shapiro. Now he’s suspended again after Tweeting about dinner with a woman who owns a PR agency (NCAA’s sometimes-loose translation: agent runner). I’m assuming this kid’s halfway to his MBA by now. Seminoles cover 9.
Tennessee at Arkansas: Derek Dooley is 3-10 in SEC games. I realize he inherited a mess, but even the Lane Kiffin virus wears off at some point. I think. Piggies cover 14.
Winners, Losers, Dream Teams
New Orleans at Falcons: Not sure anybody has noticed but the Falcons’ defense has allowed only three touchdowns in the last 12 quarters. I just wish I could find Ray Edwards. The Saints are fairly psychotic. Lose to the Rams? Really? That’s enough for me. Birds win a pick ‘em.
Arizona at Dream Team: From Michael Vick on the 3-5 Eagles: “When certain things happen in a game, we kind of go into a panic.” No problem. Philly fans are forgiving. I think Sunday is small assault weapons day. Eagles win but take Arizona and 14.
Houston at Tampa Bay: The Bucs were the only team to put in a waiver claim for Albert Haynesworth. You know it’s bad when even the Dolphins are saying, “Wow, glad we’re not as dumb as those guys.” Houston covers 3.
Detroit at Chicago: Players polled by The Sporting News just voted Ndamukong Suh the NFL’s dirtiest player. He had four times as many votes as James Harrison, who came into the season with 27 felonies. Bears cover 2½.
No worries about Suh. Bullies always get theirs in the end
Last week: 7-3 straight up, 8-2 against the line.
Overall (Don’t lack to brag, but…): 81-34 straight up; 71-43-1 against the line.
“Sack Schultz” update: Michael Perciful of Atlanta was last week’s cheater/winner by going 14-1.
By Jeff Schultz