I’ve got guaranteed picks on Alabama-LSU, Dogs, Falcons! (no, seriously)
Yes. I decided to come back.
Did you lose the bet?
So there I was, sitting by the railroad tracks, just me and my Pop-Tarts and my Florida-Clemson-Broncos parlay ticket and some creepy guy who kept staring at my shoes, waiting for me to fall asleep, when it struck me: I was getting too good! Everybody needs a market correction now and then. Me. Wall Street. Everybody who plays running back for Georgia, at least when they’re not sitting in their dorm room, in a cloud of smoke, next to a bong and an open box of Ho Hos, staring at the same fly for like, I dunno, seven hours, wondering what it would be like to be a fly, then trying to catch the fly, giving up after 12 seconds, then napping for, I dunno, another seven hours. (Hey, did I miss class?)
Crowell better hope this isn't his career.
OK, so my strategy sorta went kaboom last week. Sort of like Custer, whose reported famous last words at Little Big Horn were, “Hurrah boys, we’ve got them!” And then he put $100 on Tim Tebow to slay the Lions. Tool.
But I couldn’t miss this week: It’s Homecoming!
Isaiah Crowell, Carlton Thomas and Ken Malcome will not be in uniform for the Georgia-New Mexico State game. Their urine specimens blew up the laboratory. Hey, I know kids do dumb things. But how dumb do you have to be to get your ganja on in the middle of the football season? I mean, what was Crowell planning to do when a linebacker came up to tackle him: Offer him a toke and a brownie? Come on Gator Man, it’s all good.
Cheech, Chong and Spicoli were at practice this week, pushing weighted sleds – eyes fixated I believe on the 12 bags of Nacho Cheese Doritos that strength coach Joe Tereshinski had dangling from a fishing pole.
Georgia is still favored by 33 points, which makes you wonder: How many players would have to flunk a drug test for the spread to go down? Forty?
I think Mark Richt pulled some kid out of the Poultry Sciences building to play running back. No matter. I’m not biting on the spread. Conservative week for me. Dogs cover 33.
After last week, my Thanksgiving plans are set
Do I Smell A Comeback?
(Or did I just step in something?)
LSU at Alabama: It’s the two best teams with the two best defenses and possibly the two best coaches, and this lovely postseason system of ours means the winner is going to the BCS championship and the loser is going to Six Flags and some place where kids eat free. Short breakdown: Everything LSU can do, Alabama can do. But Alabama has Trent Richardson, LSU doesn’t. And it’s in Tuscaloosa, where as one of the 600 media in attendance I fully expect to be set up with a folding chair and a TV tray somewhere in the parking lot. Oh look, there’s Mike Price. Roll Tide! Bama covers 4½.
South Carolina at Arkansas: Doggy fans, here’s your choice: Pull for South Carolina, which is ahead of Georgia in the SEC East, or pull for Bobby Petrino, which could lead you to an afterlife of whiffing brimstone. You’re going the soul-selling route, aren’t you? Richt said this week he might have to learn the pig-sooie chant. And when you lose Richt to the underword, it’s over. Piggies win and cover 5.
So if you’re selling your soul, just like Homer…
Vanderbilt at Florida: The Gators are 94th in the nation in offense — just ahead of UAB and behind Rice. But they’re still ahead of Vanderbilt (106th). Flawida wins, but give me Vandy and 13.
Old and Decrepit Miss at Kentucky: The Rebels have lost 11 straight SEC games. Athletic director Pete Boone gave coach Houston Nutt a vote of confidence this week, saying: “I think that we’re at the point in the season that we just let the season play itself out.” OK, maybe not so much a vote of confidence. More like, “If you need any empty boxes, they’re out back by the dumpsters.” Take the Cats and the gift 1.
The Packers and Everybody Below
Oh yeah. They look ready.
Falcons at 0-8: Sports Illustrated this week listed Matt Ryan as the 17th-best quarterback so far this NFL season, behind Alex Smith,Ryan Fitzpatrick and I think leftover road kill from Atlanta Public Schools. Whatever. I can’t even name the Colts’ quarterback. Also, Indy’s defense is allowing the most points (31.5) and the second-most rushing yards (144) per game. Geez, all this research. What’s come over me? Falcons cover 7.
Bucs at Saints: New Orleans just lost to 0-6 St. Louis. It is just me or are the Saints starting to look like the Colts of the past couple of years — a great quarterback but little else. Yeah, I went there. But: Saints cover 8.
Giants at Patriots: In the past week, the Patriots have seen Rob Gronkowski photographed with a porn star and Julian Edelman arrested for groping at a Halloween party (maybe he went dressed as Herman Cain). OK, story of the Kim Kardashian-Bill Belichick secret weekend in Cape Cod breaks in 3, 2, 1 … Pats cover 8½.
Watch Bill Belichick open up to the media
Ravens at Steelers: These are the kind of games you watch and when it’s over you look down and ask yourself, “Why is that bone sticking out of my leg?” Pitt wins (but take the Ravens and 3).
Packers at Chargers: Green Bay has won 13straight going back to last season. It’s Godzilla vs. Bambi all over again. Packers cover 5½.
I won’t tell you how it ends
•
Toteboard
Last week (slightly cloudy): 4-6 straight up, 2-8 against the line.
Overall (Real. And spectacular): 74-31 straight up; 63-41-1 against the line.
“Sack Schultz” update: I’m sinking like a stone, but enough about me. Last week’s winners were Richard Stone (Mt. Airy, Ga.) and Doreen Schweki (Roy, Wash.).
By Jeff Schultz
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274 comments Add your comment
OkieDawg
November 3rd, 2011
11:53 pm
You have an opinion, I am DIM.
I have a fact, GT is on PROBATION, again.
Good Nite
YellowJacket
November 3rd, 2011
11:53 pm
Life is Good.
5150 UOAD
November 4th, 2011
12:23 am
$1000K jersey is 4 games and Tech gets an ACC CG for $312 SUIT? WHAT IS that?
Alias444
November 4th, 2011
12:57 am
Jeff, you shoulda picked the Old Ball Coach’s boys to beat the Hogs.
Weed Rules
November 4th, 2011
3:29 am
Do the players smoke higher quality weed at Georgia, Miami or Lsu? This could be a recruiting advantage.
Buzz ME
November 4th, 2011
4:40 am
No one claimed it so…………………….FIRST!!!
CW
November 4th, 2011
5:57 am
Jeff: One question about Georgia’s drug testing policy is whether they do it every week, or selectively….as in, lets drug test and get the results in the week before the N. Mexico St. game just in case………
Gator
November 4th, 2011
6:23 am
headley
Surely you jest about Tech. The problem is the dogs lead the nation in only one category—arrests and suspensions. We won’t bother to mention bad behavior by coaches, an example for the players i am sure.
bamaguy
November 4th, 2011
7:04 am
The most dangerous drug out there for college students is alcohol. When they raised the legal drinking age to 21 college students became unable to get into bars so now they drink without adult supervision. Binge drinking, DUI, etc. is much more dangerous than smokin’ a little.
Take a trip to any college football game and sit near the student section. So until a “drug test” includes alcohol, it’s all a PC sham.
doc
November 4th, 2011
7:30 am
Not everybody can be Saban===============but we beat Florida.
doc
November 4th, 2011
7:31 am
yea me too===gotta go with SC this week===the old ball coach will be ready.
Doc
November 4th, 2011
7:38 am
LSU wins because of their offensive lines.
bamaguy
November 4th, 2011
7:39 am
I think/hope my team wins. Even match except for two things.
1. Alabama is the least penalized team in the nation.
2. Trent Richardson.
Kramer
November 4th, 2011
7:47 am
Gator
November 4th, 2011
6:23 am
headley
Surely you jest about Tech. The problem is the dogs lead the nation in only one category—arrests and suspensions. We won’t bother to mention bad behavior by coaches, an example for the players i am sure.
You gots to be kidding Gator! You all have your own issues with players and have had them for years. The difference is your coach and AD do a great job of covering up your messes. Integrity is not a word spoken very often at “Flarida”. I see you struggle with it as well.
Stupid is the New Black
November 4th, 2011
7:55 am
In a game featuring the two best defensive squads in the nation, the team with the superior offense will prevail. My guess is that it will be the home team.
Bama 24-17
Tom
November 4th, 2011
7:57 am
ESPN.com’s Radi Nabulsi (formerly with the UGA Rivals.com site) laid out the scenario for the suspensions based on his inside sources on the radio.
Coaches/staff were aware of the issue with these players and needed to handle it (hey, give them credit for that!), but timed the testing so the positive results they KNEW would come back wouldn’t be available until after UF but before New Mexico State.
Test a couple of days earlier, and the players miss Florida.
Wait and test sometime this week, and maybe the results aren’t available until it’s too late to suspend for NMS…and they’d have to suspend for Auburn.
They accomplished everything they wanted to do. they sent the message they felt needed to be sent to these guys (again….credit for taking action!), but they didn’t risk it impacting a big game. At the same time, they fulfilled the mandate that suspensions are immediate…..even though the timing was by design.
Nobody (McG, CMR, etc…) “lied” about the results timing. They didn’t have to. They CREATED the timing.
Stupid is the New Black
November 4th, 2011
8:02 am
@Tom
You’re exactly right… And who cares?
Those responsible for the UGA football program would much rather have the fan-base spewing gossip about this reefer-madness nonsense than discussing the Dawgs’ pathetic on-field performance this year.
Proud-Dawg
November 4th, 2011
8:11 am
5150 UOAD….You need to get online and look for a job. Better yet, go to a temp agency so they can find you work. No one gets paid posting garbage on a blog. By the way, those “redneck fratboys” come from Atlanta. Check out the demographics. If we are labeling schools, I guess the annual beatdown will consists of the “Rednecks” vs. The Foreign Exchange Program known as Tek. Feel better now?
gt45
November 4th, 2011
8:11 am
A Pulitzer awaits!
Proud-Dawg
November 4th, 2011
8:12 am
Tech breeds Terrorists
Stupid is the New Black
November 4th, 2011
8:15 am
Proud-Dawg,
UOAD already has a good job. Chief Janitor at Techwood don’t pay that much, but you get free Internet access and fish fry.
Tom
November 4th, 2011
8:18 am
Stupid is the New Black
November 4th, 2011
8:02 am
Those responsible for the UGA football program would much rather have the fan-base spewing gossip about this reefer-madness nonsense than discussing the Dawgs’ pathetic on-field performance this year.
*****
Except LAST YEAR, they were losing games like this year’s UF and Vandy wins. Last year’s team is probably 4-4 at this point, at best.
All Saints
November 4th, 2011
8:24 am
Just a reminder that we’ll be having our regular tribute and moment of silence on Saturday for Saint Jan Kemp, the courageous martyr who exposed UGA and Vince Dooley’s “remedial studies” fraud.
Please approach this special moment with reverence as we honor her sacred name.
Tom
November 4th, 2011
8:27 am
Then again, the 5 SEC teams they’ve beaten have a combined conference record of 4-22? Not that stuff like that matters when trying to get to the Dome.
Old Fart
November 4th, 2011
8:28 am
whoever the person is that says crowell needs to be kicked off is a idiot atleast he is being punished for what he done if he would of been on any other team no punishment would of come up and never would of heard about it so hum…. wonder where he will grow up more of a man at UGA or anywhere else because these kids are 17 and 18 years old my gosh kids do stupid things and there is the caught and the ones who never get caught ….
Stupid is the New Black
November 4th, 2011
8:32 am
@Tom
This year’s Florida and Vandy teams ain’t last year’s. Georgia might be better this year, but not by much. They barely scraped by Vandy and only beat Florida because of a gimpy QB.
Tennessee and Florida won’t stay down forever. Georgia won’t get this cupcake schedule every year. Hold onto this rope too long and the Dawgs will go down with the USS CMR. Have to give them credit for their masterful handling of this doobie deal though. Maybe they’re getting better?
LSU Dad
November 4th, 2011
8:48 am
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news to the Bama contingent, but if you checked in with LSU historians you would know this is the best LSU team to ever enter Bryant-Denny stadium. They are a confident bunch, not cocky as some suspect, just determined and talented. They have been humbled by the significant events this season that would have been set backs to mere mortals, but they not only survived, they strived through these adversities. This game will be another test to showcase the dominance of their will. So you see, their focus is not on the distractions of the Bama win lost record at home, or the crowd noise of screaming fans, or the “Fail Room” name over the visitor’s locker room that was designed to serve as a subliminal message to jinx the play of the visiting team, or the fact they are 4 1/2 – 5 pts underdog according to betting odds makers. None of these distractions will impede the strong desire and the positive end results that went into the preparations for this game. Sure, Alabama also spent quality time in preparations, but in the end, you will see and agree, this is the year of the TIGERS! GEAUX TIGERS!!!
Smokewagon
November 4th, 2011
9:08 am
All Saints – Put on your Duran Duran disc and bring back those ooooold memories Son. I be you have a poster of Ms. Kemp hanging in your bedroom.
Rodster
November 4th, 2011
9:08 am
The Belichick clip is hilarious. Reminds me of when I was a kid and a reporter asked Bud Grant the stoic coach of teh Vikings if he ever smiled and with a completely deadpan expression he said “I am smiling.”
Richt Back
November 4th, 2011
9:16 am
Florida fans–very happy that Ga is doing well enough so that Mark Richt will get a long term contract extension after the season! That’s the one positive from their terrible season, the worst since the 1980s.
ncdawg
November 4th, 2011
9:24 am
Bama needs to win that is all that pathetic state has is college football….oops I left out fishing and deer hunting. I know I lived in B’ham for 8 years. Thank God I got out.
Alphare
November 4th, 2011
9:44 am
LSU wins.
The reason is special team. LSU punter is unbelievable while BAMA punter is average. Making matter worse, BAMA return coverage has holes from time to time, while LSU return coverage rarely has a leak.
I believe that will make the biggest difference in this game.
GADawgs
November 4th, 2011
9:49 am
@ Tom – you are wrong and so is your ESPN source. The test were given Thursday before the game, results not back from lab until Monday afternoon. Protocol requires that a meeting happens with player, parents (if any, that’s the problem), coaches, AD and Univ. Pres. Once this meeting occurs then the public notice of suspension happens. This was a random test. Now all three can be tested whenever and however many time UGA wants to.
So, on Tuesday press conference Richt knew the results but because protocol had not been completed he could not say anything. This all comes from a source that has better insight than ESPN does.
dean
November 4th, 2011
9:52 am
Anyone want to guess which team last won the Super Bowl after starting the season 4-3?
gdawginkalamazoo
November 4th, 2011
9:56 am
“$1000K jersey is 4 games and Tech gets an ACC CG for $312 SUIT? WHAT IS that?”
One university told the truth and withheld their start player, one university stonewalled and played their guy.
Men's body groomer
November 4th, 2011
9:58 am
Bama/LSU game is going to be a good one, but UGA/New Mexico State, come on, how exciting a game will that be? UGA is going to annihilate them, guaranteed win right tharr.
IL Jacket
November 4th, 2011
9:59 am
Schultz, you are hilarious, seriously. This was a very good column, the beginning was so evocative. You are a worthy heir to Lewis Grizzard. Are you working on a book?
01HAWK
November 4th, 2011
10:18 am
VANDERBILT has some cheap shot players indeed. Look at the comments from LB Courtney Upshaw of BAMA below:
The only other trouble Upshaw has been in was recent. He kicked a Vanderbilt player in the helmet on Oct. 8 and sat out the first quarter of the next game.
“He said the guy was trying to hurt him,” Leigh McKenzie said. “Courtney told the guy to stop, and the guy didn’t.”
D man
November 4th, 2011
10:27 am
Shultz- you got it right this week. You should have a 100% sunny prediction day…
SCAR GO!
November 4th, 2011
10:30 am
We cookin’ up some Slaw Hawgs.
Mmmm… Tasty!
SCAR GO!
November 4th, 2011
10:31 am
@Alphare
What makes you think Bama’s gonna punt?
beebee
November 4th, 2011
10:45 am
SHADDUP ROSE! You know the rules. You more than compromised the integrity of the game. Go on and live your remaining life to the fullest, with all that money you got. You are still blessed. Nobody gives a shat about you/your name in some fr.e.aking Hall of Fame!
sheeesh!
Bee
wonder dawgs..I wonder how badly they'll lose to Bama
November 4th, 2011
10:49 am
Jeff, the parking lot in Tuscaloosa is great, and with the tv tray, you can sit and watch the game without getting rib sauce on your Sansabelt slacks.
Dawgs win straight up, but I’m betting the kids, dog, cat and the wife on Nexico State. Too many points to pass up, and I lose I can always get the kids, dog and cat back.
Alphare
November 4th, 2011
10:53 am
SCAR,
I should include kickoff in there too.
LSU impressed me the most with the WVU game.
SCAR GO!
November 4th, 2011
10:57 am
The same WVU that lost to Syracuse?
Whatever. You must be a Techie.
Jimmy Crack
November 4th, 2011
11:01 am
SCHUUULTZ! You dummkopf!
You could be forgiven for taking a #5 Clemson team over a sliding Tech squad, but that GA vs FLA game was a toss up and you pulled an anti-homer. Bad move for a local sports prognosta…prognasti…guesser.
For that you get 10 lashes with a wet APSE award, and you MUST watch Lingerie Football this weekend.
SCAR GO!
November 4th, 2011
11:04 am
I’ve been a bad boy too. Get us an extra ticket and I’ll join Jeff for our “punishment”.
Brainiac(Dawg for life)(Richt fan for life)
November 4th, 2011
11:05 am
Bronko: What about Larry Munson and Ed Thelenious(or hower you spell it)
SCAR GO!
November 4th, 2011
11:07 am
Alshon’s hot and Arky is in a Sophomore Slump and primed for an upset.
BOOM! Cackalacky lacky!
BOOM! Cackalacky lacky!
SCAR GO!
November 4th, 2011
11:08 am
SCAR 35-27