I’ve got guaranteed picks on Alabama-LSU, Dogs, Falcons! (no, seriously)

Yes. I decided to come back.

Did you lose the bet?

So there I was, sitting by the railroad tracks,  just me and my Pop-Tarts and my Florida-Clemson-Broncos  parlay ticket and some creepy guy who kept staring at my shoes, waiting for me to fall asleep, when it struck me: I was getting too good! Everybody needs a market correction now and then. Me. Wall Street. Everybody who plays running back for Georgia, at least when they’re not sitting in their dorm room, in a cloud of smoke, next to a bong and an open box of Ho Hos, staring at the same fly for like, I dunno, seven hours, wondering what it would be like to be a fly, then trying to catch the fly, giving up after 12 seconds, then napping for, I dunno, another seven hours. (Hey, did I miss class?)

Crowell better hope this isn't his career.

OK, so my strategy sorta went kaboom last week. Sort of like Custer, whose reported famous last words at Little Big Horn were, “Hurrah boys, we’ve got them!” And then he put $100 on Tim Tebow to slay the Lions. Tool.

But I couldn’t miss this week: It’s Homecoming!

Isaiah Crowell, Carlton Thomas and Ken Malcome will not be in uniform for the Georgia-New Mexico State game. Their urine specimens blew up the laboratory. Hey, I know kids do dumb things. But how dumb do you have to be to get your ganja on in the middle of the football season? I mean, what was Crowell planning to do when a linebacker came up to tackle him: Offer him a toke and a brownie? Come on Gator Man, it’s all good.

Cheech, Chong and Spicoli were at practice this week, pushing weighted sleds – eyes fixated I believe on the 12 bags of Nacho Cheese Doritos that strength coach Joe Tereshinski had dangling from a fishing pole.

Georgia is still favored by 33 points, which makes you wonder: How many players would have to flunk a drug test for the spread to go down? Forty?

I think Mark Richt pulled some kid out of the Poultry Sciences building to play running back. No matter. I’m not biting on the spread. Conservative week for me. Dogs cover 33.

After last week, my Thanksgiving plans are set

Do I Smell A Comeback?

(Or did I just step in something?)

LSU at Alabama: It’s the two best teams with the two best defenses and possibly the two best coaches, and this lovely postseason system of ours means the winner is going to the BCS championship and the loser is going to Six Flags and some place where kids eat free. Short breakdown: Everything LSU can do, Alabama can do. But Alabama has Trent Richardson, LSU doesn’t. And it’s in Tuscaloosa, where as one of the 600 media in attendance I fully expect to be set up with a folding chair and a TV tray somewhere in the parking lot. Oh look, there’s Mike Price. Roll Tide! Bama covers 4½.

South Carolina at Arkansas: Doggy fans, here’s your choice: Pull for South Carolina, which is ahead of Georgia in the SEC East, or pull for Bobby Petrino, which could lead you to an afterlife of whiffing brimstone. You’re going the soul-selling route, aren’t you? Richt said this week he might have to learn the pig-sooie chant. And when you lose Richt to the underword, it’s over. Piggies win and cover 5.

So if you’re selling your soul, just like Homer…

Vanderbilt at Florida: The Gators are 94th in the nation in offense — just ahead of UAB and behind Rice. But they’re still ahead of Vanderbilt (106th). Flawida wins, but give me Vandy and 13.

Old and Decrepit  Miss at Kentucky: The Rebels have lost 11 straight SEC games. Athletic director Pete Boone gave coach Houston Nutt a vote of confidence this week, saying: “I think that we’re at the point in the season that we just let the season play itself out.” OK, maybe not so much a vote of confidence. More like, “If you need any empty boxes, they’re out back by the dumpsters.” Take the Cats and the gift 1.

The Packers and Everybody Below

Oh yeah. They look ready.

Falcons at 0-8: Sports Illustrated this week listed Matt Ryan as the 17^th-best quarterback so far this NFL season, behind Alex Smith,Ryan Fitzpatrick and I think leftover road kill from Atlanta Public Schools. Whatever. I can’t even name the Colts’ quarterback. Also, Indy’s defense is allowing the most points (31.5) and the second-most rushing yards (144) per game. Geez, all this research. What’s come over me? Falcons cover 7.

Bucs at Saints: New Orleans just lost to 0-6 St. Louis. It is just me or are the Saints starting to look like the Colts of the past couple of years — a great quarterback but little else. Yeah, I went there. But: Saints cover 8.

Giants at Patriots: In the past week, the Patriots have seen Rob Gronkowski photographed with a porn star and Julian Edelman arrested for groping at a Halloween party (maybe he went dressed as Herman Cain). OK, story of the Kim Kardashian-Bill Belichick secret weekend in Cape Cod breaks in 3, 2, 1 … Pats cover 8½.

Watch Bill Belichick open up to the media

Ravens at Steelers: These are the kind of games you watch and when it’s over you look down and ask yourself, “Why is that bone sticking out of my leg?” Pitt wins (but take the Ravens and 3).

Packers at Chargers: Green Bay has won 13straight going back to last season. It’s Godzilla vs. Bambi all over again. Packers cover 5½.

I won’t tell you how it ends

•

Toteboard

Last week (slightly cloudy): 4-6 straight up, 2-8 against the line.

Overall (Real. And spectacular): 74-31 straight up; 63-41-1 against the line.

“Sack Schultz” update: I’m sinking like a stone, but enough about me. Last week’s winners were Richard Stone (Mt. Airy, Ga.) and Doreen Schweki (Roy, Wash.).

By Jeff Schultz
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