I’ve got guaranteed picks on Alabama-LSU, Dogs, Falcons! (no, seriously)

10

Yes. I decided to come back.

Did you lose the bet?

So there I was, sitting by the railroad tracks,  just me and my Pop-Tarts and my Florida-Clemson-Broncos  parlay ticket and some creepy guy who kept staring at my shoes, waiting for me to fall asleep, when it struck me: I was getting too good! Everybody needs a market correction now and then. Me. Wall Street. Everybody who plays running back for Georgia, at least when they’re not sitting in their dorm room, in a cloud of smoke, next to a bong and an open box of Ho Hos, staring at the same fly for like, I dunno, seven hours, wondering what it would be like to be a fly, then trying to catch the fly, giving up after 12 seconds, then napping for, I dunno, another seven hours. (Hey, did I miss class?)

If Crowell's not careful, "Up In Smoke" might describe his career.

Crowell better hope this isn't his career.

OK, so my strategy sorta went kaboom last week. Sort of like Custer, whose reported famous last words at Little Big Horn were, “Hurrah boys, we’ve got them!” And then he put $100 on Tim Tebow to slay the Lions. Tool.

But I couldn’t miss this week: It’s Homecoming!

Isaiah Crowell, Carlton Thomas and Ken Malcome will not be in uniform for the Georgia-New Mexico State game. Their urine specimens blew up the laboratory. Hey, I know kids do dumb things. But how dumb do you have to be to get your ganja on in the middle of the football season? I mean, what was Crowell planning to do when a linebacker came up to tackle him: Offer him a toke and a brownie? Come on Gator Man, it’s all good.

Cheech, Chong and Spicoli were at practice this week, pushing weighted sleds – eyes fixated I believe on the 12 bags of Nacho Cheese Doritos that strength coach Joe Tereshinski had dangling from a fishing pole.

Georgia is still favored by 33 points, which makes you wonder: How many players would have to flunk a drug test for the spread to go down? Forty?

I think Mark Richt pulled some kid out of the Poultry Sciences building to play running back. No matter. I’m not biting on the spread. Conservative week for me. Dogs cover 33.

After last week, my Thanksgiving plans are set

Do I Smell A Comeback?

(Or did I just step in something?)

LSU at Alabama: It’s the two best teams with the two best defenses and possibly the two best coaches, and this lovely postseason system of ours means the winner is going to the BCS championship and the loser is going to Six Flags and some place where kids eat free. Short breakdown: Everything LSU can do, Alabama can do. But Alabama has Trent Richardson, LSU doesn’t. And it’s in Tuscaloosa, where as one of the 600 media in attendance I fully expect to be set up with a folding chair and a TV tray somewhere in the parking lot. Oh look, there’s Mike Price. Roll Tide! Bama covers 4½.

South Carolina at Arkansas: Doggy fans, here’s your choice: Pull for South Carolina, which is ahead of Georgia in the SEC East, or pull for Bobby Petrino, which could lead you to an afterlife of whiffing brimstone. You’re going the soul-selling route, aren’t you? Richt said this week he might have to learn the pig-sooie chant. And when you lose Richt to the underword, it’s over. Piggies win and cover 5.

So if you’re selling your soul, just like Homer…

Vanderbilt at Florida: The Gators are 94th in the nation in offense — just ahead of UAB and behind Rice. But they’re still ahead of Vanderbilt (106th). Flawida wins, but give me Vandy and 13.

Old and Decrepit  Miss at Kentucky: The Rebels have lost 11 straight SEC games. Athletic director Pete Boone gave coach Houston Nutt a vote of confidence this week, saying: “I think that we’re at the point in the season that we just let the season play itself out.” OK, maybe not so much a vote of confidence. More like, “If you need any empty boxes, they’re out back by the dumpsters.” Take the Cats and the gift 1.

The Packers and Everybody Below

Oh yeah. They look ready.

Oh yeah. They look ready.

Falcons at 0-8: Sports Illustrated this week listed Matt Ryan as the 17th-best quarterback so far this NFL season, behind Alex Smith,Ryan Fitzpatrick and I think leftover road kill from Atlanta Public Schools. Whatever. I can’t even name the Colts’ quarterback. Also, Indy’s defense is allowing the most points (31.5) and the second-most rushing yards (144) per game. Geez, all this research. What’s come over me? Falcons cover 7.

Bucs at Saints: New Orleans just lost to 0-6 St. Louis. It is just me or are the Saints starting to look like the Colts of the past couple of years — a great quarterback but little else. Yeah, I went there. But: Saints cover 8.

Giants at Patriots: In the past week, the Patriots have seen Rob Gronkowski photographed with a porn star and Julian Edelman arrested for groping at a Halloween party (maybe he went dressed as Herman Cain). OK, story of the Kim Kardashian-Bill Belichick secret weekend in Cape Cod breaks in 3, 2, 1 … Pats cover 8½.

Watch Bill Belichick open up to the media

Ravens at Steelers: These are the kind of games you watch and when it’s over you look down and ask yourself, “Why is that bone sticking out of my leg?” Pitt wins (but take the Ravens and 3).

Packers at Chargers: Green Bay has won 13straight going back to last season. It’s Godzilla vs. Bambi all over again. Packers cover 5½.

I won’t tell you how it ends

Toteboard

Last week (slightly cloudy): 4-6 straight up, 2-8 against the line.

Overall (Real. And spectacular): 74-31 straight up; 63-41-1 against the line.

“Sack Schultz” update: I’m sinking like a stone, but enough about me. Last week’s winners were Richard Stone (Mt. Airy, Ga.) and Doreen Schweki (Roy, Wash.).

By Jeff Schultz

Follow me on Twitter (@JeffSchultzAJC). Friend me on Facebook (Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC).

274 comments Add your comment

2010 BCS CHAMPS

November 3rd, 2011
2:32 pm

Jeff, are you drunk?

Burma Shave

November 3rd, 2011
2:34 pm

Crowell’s an addict
That’s plain to see
He fails every time
They ask him to pee

BURMA SHAVE

Flat Tire on I-95 in Jacksonville

November 3rd, 2011
2:37 pm

They need to kick Crowell off the team if it happens again

I Love You, Alice B. Toklas

November 3rd, 2011
2:39 pm

Schultz was actually funny this week. Amazing.

ARdawg

November 3rd, 2011
2:39 pm

Demmit Schultz, do you HAVE’TA pick the dogs?

Ouch

November 3rd, 2011
2:42 pm

Crowell should have gone to AL. Then, in the remote chance he was tested for weed, he would not have been suspended.

ROTFLAMO

And So Does Gertrude Stein

November 3rd, 2011
2:42 pm

By the way, Richt lied his azz off.

evil empire

November 3rd, 2011
2:42 pm

anybody else tired of this “OCCUPY” bs…i’m about ready to stomp out the pilot light on some hippy behind…

TooSmart4Skewl

November 3rd, 2011
2:42 pm

put your life savings on lus +4.5 and you will be rewarded

TooSmart4Skewl

November 3rd, 2011
2:43 pm

what now?

November 3rd, 2011
2:43 pm

If IC can’t play this weekend, what is he going to do with that extra free time?

Herschel Talker

November 3rd, 2011
2:43 pm

Schultzie:

FIRE MARK RICHT!!!

HT

Najeh Davenpoop

November 3rd, 2011
2:43 pm

“These are the kind of games you watch and when it’s over you look down and ask yourself, “Why is that bone sticking out of my leg?” ”

Wow, that is one weird fetish you have.

Chopper

November 3rd, 2011
2:44 pm

sixth! Go Dawgs and Hawgs! And by the way, LSU wins!

evil empire

November 3rd, 2011
2:46 pm

LSU wins outright…Bama is great, LSU is greater…

ARdawg

November 3rd, 2011
2:47 pm

Oh BTW, fix the link to Sack Schultz please?

Old Dawg

November 3rd, 2011
2:48 pm

Bambi vs. Godzilla is one of my all-time favorite shorts. Not so much for the awesome battle scene but for the detailed film credits. It’s the sign of a 1st class production, don’t ya think?

For similar shorts, watch 18-wheelers vs. Coyotes. There are no credits, the results, obviously, are the same and occur on a regular basis on every interstate in the US of A.

Ouch

November 3rd, 2011
2:48 pm

what now?
November 3rd, 2011
2:43 pm

If IC can’t play this weekend, what is he going to do with that extra free time?

You might want to ask your mom. Ouch!

Jeff Schultz

November 3rd, 2011
2:51 pm

2010 BCS Champs — Just high on life, man. Just high on life.

Jeff Schultz

November 3rd, 2011
2:52 pm

ARdawg — OK, even in my most idiotic and hallucinogenic state, you’d never get me to pick New Mexico State. (But I admit I was tempted by the 33.)

Liz

November 3rd, 2011
2:52 pm

Brilliant!!!

Russ, the Temporary Mascot

November 3rd, 2011
2:52 pm

I was trying to do it the “Georgia Way” and I messed up. The Georgia Way isn’t what it used to be. The new Georgia Way is a little embarrassing but it is what it is. Next time you see me, I’ll be packing heat.

BAMA dude

November 3rd, 2011
2:52 pm

Nice pick Schultz. Bama 27-13.

Jeff Schultz

November 3rd, 2011
2:55 pm

Old Dawg — I’ve never seen the 18 wheelers vs. Coyotes. I’ll have to check it out. First time I saw Bambi vs. Godzilla was at an animation festival almost 30 years ago. I swear I fell out of the chair laughing.

Inquiring minds want to know

November 3rd, 2011
2:56 pm

why doesn’t AL suspend players after the first failed drug test?

Bronko Nagurski

November 3rd, 2011
2:56 pm

Looking forward to the Bama-LSU game, should be an old fashioned slobberknocker. I agree Jeff, Tide 23 – LSU 17.

Unfortunately...

November 3rd, 2011
2:57 pm

..the LSWhoo v ALdambama will be one of those where BOTH teams play NOT TO LOSE, rather than playing to win (it will look like Mike BooBoo is calling plays)…score will be something like 13-12, or 10-9, which is always what time it is in TX…

Inquiring minds want to know

November 3rd, 2011
2:57 pm

Russ, was the old “Georgia Way” before or after Jane Kemp?

1eyedJack

November 3rd, 2011
2:59 pm

I thought Custer’s famous last words were “just a little of the top, please”.

headley lamar

November 3rd, 2011
3:00 pm

If Crowell had failed a drug screen at Tech he wouldn’t have been suspended for even one game.

Sort of like Matt ” DUI ” Skole

Georgia has stricter rules and enforces them.

Its a shame not everyone does.

DRUG POLICY SUSPENSION LENGHTS

The minimum required number of games a student-athlete is suspended for each of the 68 automatic-qualifying BCS conference football programs, using next year’s conference affiliations, based on a (1) first-positive test for recreational drugs; (2) second-positive test; (3) third-positive test; (4) fourth-positive test and (5) fifth-positive test. Drug policies are obtained through public records requests or from the school’s official website.

ACC

Georgia Tech: (1) none; (2) 10 percent of games; (3) one year; (4) dismissal.

SEC

Georgia: (1) 10 percent of games; (2) 50 percent of games; (3) dismissal.

Funny how the fact that it wouldn’t have even been an issue at Tech wasn’t mentioned in any of the articles by Bradley or Schultz.

Thank You Schultz

November 3rd, 2011
3:00 pm

LSU 20 Bama 13……..wrong again Schultz

UGA Playbook

November 3rd, 2011
3:01 pm

This weekend’s new offensive set features the Puff Puff Pass. Zero yards and cloud of smoke. Munchies on 2! Hit! Hit!

Bronko Nagurski

November 3rd, 2011
3:01 pm

BTW Jeff, here are my picks for best/favorite football broadcasters ever:

5) Chris Schenkel

4) Todd Blackledge

3) Keith Jackson

2) Charlie Jones

1) Curt Gowdy

What ‘cha think?

ARdawg

November 3rd, 2011
3:02 pm

Jeff

I don’t like you cursing us. You know how you are…L

DawginLex

November 3rd, 2011
3:02 pm

bronco

Mr enberg replaces Blackledge on my list

Russ, the Temporary Mascot

November 3rd, 2011
3:03 pm

Coach Richt was talking about the Georgia Way being something other than we’ve been seeing for the past several years what with all the arrests and suspensions and coaches out of control with bad manners on the sideline and on the field after the games. The new Georgia Way seems to be a bit thuggish with a little attitude and some felonious felonies along the way. I’m pretty sure the Georgia Way he was talking about is Gone With the Wind. Now, it’s pretty much Clarke County Sheriff’s Department stuff.

Mater Man

November 3rd, 2011
3:04 pm

Funny stuff Jeff ! The funny Ha Ha not the funny quiar…

The Herman Cain shot was awesome….

If TamponGator had a house he would bet it on that Ky.-Ole Pizz game…

I’m thinking Crowell’s gonna have the munchies until next Saturday.

Saint Richt looks bad once again. Preaching doing good while players are doing bad…

McGarity

November 3rd, 2011
3:08 pm

“If 241 more players get into off-field trouble then I will call Richt into my office. You have my word on that.”

Ole Smoky

November 3rd, 2011
3:09 pm

Can Belichick deliver or what ? Just imagine covering one of his press conferences…

GT Dude

November 3rd, 2011
3:10 pm

Jeff, me thinks you and Crowell share the same dealer…

RXDAWG

November 3rd, 2011
3:10 pm

For FLAT TIRE- UGA drug policy-1st offense=10% of season 2nd=30% of season 3rd=loss of scholarship and kicked off team. This is the toughest drug policy in college sports. Some have a tougher 1st offense policy( LSU=15% which they round down if you are about to play Alabama), but overall this is the toughest.

Stephen Garcia

November 3rd, 2011
3:14 pm

Lay off Crowell. He still has 3 suspensions to catch me.

Ouch

November 3rd, 2011
3:15 pm

Russ the Temporary Mascot is licking his balls again and its making him crazy.

McGarity

November 3rd, 2011
3:17 pm

But that policy is truthfully about as weak as the MLB steriod policy. There should be a ZERO drug use policy. Kicked off team for 1st offense. All teams,all sports.

joe cox

November 3rd, 2011
3:19 pm

man i love the dogs.

Flat Tire on I-95 in Jacksonville

November 3rd, 2011
3:19 pm

Enter your comments here

neverquit

November 3rd, 2011
3:20 pm

(pot)headley……your point is moot. It happened at uga. pass that thing around!

jay

November 3rd, 2011
3:20 pm

Why are they testing these guys for weed? Does the guy who got the academic scholarship get tested for weed, the music scholarship etc? Maybe they should test for tobacco too. SMH

Falcon Hardy

November 3rd, 2011
3:20 pm

We had 1 player get a DUI and he gets 2 games off, but smoking dope which is totally illegal gets 1 game off, They should be EXPELLED!!!

Pete Rose

November 3rd, 2011
3:22 pm

I got banned from MLB for gambling. Yet other athletes can murder (D.Stallworth),shoot (R.Lewis),rape (Roethlisberger),do drugs (too many to list R.Palmeiro,Clemens,etc.),DUI’s (Lowe,Furcal,etc.) but they aren’t banned. MFers…