Weekend Predictions: Deja vu time (Gators over Dogs)

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Before we get to the SEC East, the Republican primary of college divisions where everybody looks like a 4-4 team with two soundbites, a new tax plan and reservations for the Liberty Bowl, this just in: We’ve officially gone to hell.

With the holiday shopping season just around the corner, Mattel is preparing to launch, “Tokidoki” Tattoo Barbie in the U.S. I am not making this up. She has pink hair, is covered with tattoos around her neck and arms and has another just above her Barbie Buttocks (copyright?) that reads, “Ken” (in a heart).

tattooedbarbie[1]Mattel has come under criticism but says the doll is targeted at adult collectors, not children, which is why we can also soon expect Wowsa Mondo Implant Barbie, Underground Kim Kardashian Video Barbie (with rapper), Strung Out Lindsay Leg Chains Lohan Barbie, and, a sidekick: the Ha Ha How Does It Feel To Have That Tie Rod Jammed Into Your Forehead Ndamukong Suh Psychotic Ken doll (candy Thorazine in grape and cherry flavors included).

See? You just can’t count on anything any more.

Oh wait. It’s Georgia-Florida week. Never mind.

I know. This is the year, right? Aaron Murray is better

tattoo_barbie[1]

That "Indonesia" branding had to really hurt.

than whatever remains of John Brantley.

The Georgia defense is better than Florida’s.

Chris Rainey? He hasn’t been a threat since Gainesville police revoked his texting privileges. (”Time To Die…Hello? Hello?”)

Will Muschamp? Look at those eyes. We never trusted him!

And the Dogs have won five in a row!

Whatever.

Let’s look at this. The teams have one common opponent so far: Tennessee. They both won. Whoop.

Florida got boat-raced by Alabama and LSU. Like Georgia wouldn’t?

Georgia’s four SEC wins have come over teams with a combined conference record of 1-15. Murray has been average. The defense has been better but will be missing two starters (Kwame Geathers, Shawn Williams) for suspensions in the first half, and can’t really be sure what they’ll get from two other starters just back (Cornelius Washington, suspension; Alec Ogletree, broken foot). Also, Malcolm Mitchell likely won’t play.

Florida’s average. Maybe below average. But this is close enough to a push. Sorry, but a push ain’t pushing me over to the anemic side of 3-18.

Florida is getting 3. I’ll take the points. And the upset. Gators win.

Saturday Value Menu

(Add fries and a used car from Houston Nutt for 99 cents)

Paul Johnson is not taking losing well.

Paul Johnson is not taking losing well.

Clemson at Tech: The Jackets have three offensive touchdowns in the last nine quarters. I think it’s clear Al Groh needs to fire Paul Johnson and hire a new offensive coordinator. Tevin Washington’s confidence looks shot and sources say Johnson is miserable, which explains the stockades on the sideline at practice. Clemson covers 3½.

South Carolina at Tennessee: Your Poultry update: Marcus Lattimore is done, Stephen Garcia is plotting his next career move at Barbizon, and Alshon Jeffery seems as relevant as Gummo Marx without his brothers. But it’s Tennessee. The Vowels have been outscored 95-25 in their last three games, and Derek Dooley wonders, “Why did I give up law again?” Gamecocks cover 4.

Mississippi at Auburn: I just learned Houston Nutt has a $6 million buyout. Do they not offer classes in high finance in the land of Faulkner? Nutt’s SEC losing streak runs to 11, and Auburn covers 11.

Arkansas at Vanderbilt: The Commodores were painted as dirty against Georgia and last week had to apologize for blasting music over the loud speaker and drowning out the Army alma mater. So now they’re un-American. The Vandy bad boys. If this keeps up and they may be allowed back in the SEC. Hey, can anybody cut-block Bobby Petrino? Arkansas wins but give me Vandy and 10.

Georgia State at Texas-San Antonio: It turns out the Longhorn Network does exist. It’s carrying this game. I believe GSU-UTSA comes on right after, “In The Kitchen With Fred Akers” and “Texas A.D. DeLoss Dodds At The Yalta Conference: Revisionists History, Brought To You By ESPN.” No line. Panthers make it two straight.

NFL Snack Pack

Lions' defense warms up for this week's game. That's Suh on the left.

Lions' defense warms up for this week's game. That's Suh on the left.

Paper Lions at Broncos: It’s Matthew Stafford vs. Tim Tebow. That’s timely. (Advice to Lions: If you score, don’t empty the bench and celebrate in the end zone. Leaves a hangover.) Stafford is banged up and struggling to hold together an imploding team with defense of cretins. Was that Suh robbing a blood bank this week? Take the 3 but Denver wins in an upset.

Cowboys at Dream Team: Philadelphia’s Asante Samuel ripped management, saying they’re “playing fantasy football.” Hah! Nobody in my league would’ve been dumb enough to sign Ronnie Brown. Take Dallas and 3½, and in an upset.

Patriots at Steelers: Tom Brady vs. Pittsburgh: 6-1, 14 touchdowns, three interceptions. Check? New England covers 3.

Dolphins at Giants: Miami’s quarterback depth chart: Matt Moore, J.P. Losman. My eyes! My eyes! Giants cover 10.

Toteboard

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”  — Kin Hubbard

footballbettingLast week (slightly cloudy): 11-1 straight up, 8-4 against the line.

Overall (Real. And spectacular): 70-25 straight up; 61-33-1 against the line.

“Sack Schultz” contest: Last week’s winners: Local–Mitchell Hunter (13-2) of Sharpsburg, GA. National–Olivia Trebino (14-1) of Pomona, Ca. I’m slipping. Badly. Not entered? Click here for details.

By Jeff Schultz

Follow me on Twitter (@JeffSchultzAJC). Friend me on Facebook (Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC).

544 comments Add your comment

juvenal

October 27th, 2011
3:15 pm

UOAD misses you…..

juvenal

October 27th, 2011
3:18 pm

heather, SI, & now you-Tech may have a chance…..

tonyb

October 27th, 2011
3:18 pm

Proud to say Jeff, the Dawgs are ending this streak. They will beat the Gators in Jacksonville.

DawginLex

October 27th, 2011
3:20 pm

Can’t argue with your logic. I just hope you are wrong like you were in picking UT to beat us.

I don’t get your Lions pick. Tebow doesn’t have the supporting cast he had at Florida and willie Martinez is nowhere on the sidelines or in the booth for the Lions. Denver might not score.

Jimmy the Greek

October 27th, 2011
3:20 pm

Gators win?…………..So your telling me that slavery doesn’t have anything to do with blacks being good at sports?………DAWGS Cover!!!

Fierce Dawg

October 27th, 2011
3:21 pm

hope the game doesn’t come down to a Blair Walsh field goal. then again, it could be just what he needs to get the confidence back

Baldy Eagles

October 27th, 2011
3:23 pm

Jeff : “I’ll the points”. What the hell ?

Hot Dawg

October 27th, 2011
3:24 pm

Jimmy The Greek, I don’t follow your post at all. Pass the doobie.

Baldy Eagles

October 27th, 2011
3:24 pm

I like Dawgs,Clemson,Tenn,Auburn,Arkansas to win. The other games ? Who cares ?

5150 UOAD

October 27th, 2011
3:25 pm

SCHULTZ………..Finally I thought you got sucked into the Black Hole that is the NBA.

TexGT

October 27th, 2011
3:26 pm

Can’t disagree with the GT-Clemson pick – Tevin look like a deer in headlights. Needless to say I am a bit worried this weekend turns into a whooping.

But, I have to disagree with UGA-UF pick. UF is not good. No running game. No real quaterback. If UGA can’t beat them this year, they never will. UGA wins in close one.

Bogey

October 27th, 2011
3:26 pm

Sorry, Jeff, but time for Dawgs to get it done and Jackets will upset the Tigers.

Baldy Eagles

October 27th, 2011
3:26 pm

Wow ! Barbie’s now got a tramp stamp ?

gtne80

October 27th, 2011
3:27 pm

My boys have NO shot at Clempson. That game would be a lock if the line was 10.

Hot Dawg

October 27th, 2011
3:27 pm

Baldy Eagles, exactly. This clown calls himself a sports columnist, but doesn’t even proof read his own stuff. LOL!

Birmingham Jacket

October 27th, 2011
3:27 pm

Clemson -3.5 shows how very little folks GT football.

This team’s 1-2 star recruits won’t keep it closer than 34-14.

Chanticleer

October 27th, 2011
3:28 pm

Clemson covers in the first 10 minutes and the 1st teamers will be back in the upstate before the game is over, sorry nerds.

chem

October 27th, 2011
3:28 pm

Baldy Eagles: Jeff crams down a couple red bulls then empties his bowels onto his keyboard for these intros. I wouldn’t worry about a misplaced word in that.

Steve

October 27th, 2011
3:29 pm

I think GT keeps it close. Clemson has had trouble defending the option and mobile QBs this year, and PJ probably has a couple trick plays up his sleeve. But, so long as Clemson doesn’t turn the ball over a lot, I think Clemson ultimately wins by about a TD.

On paper, UGA should beat UF without much effort. But, history suggests that UF stuns UGA… again.

btgt69

October 27th, 2011
3:30 pm

My fantasy dream last night,,,GT wins, TN wins,,, uga loses,,, perfect weekend

Salami Swami

October 27th, 2011
3:31 pm

I agree. UGA finally beats Florida convincingly. Pepperoni anyone ?

DawginLex

October 27th, 2011
3:32 pm

btgt69

October 27th, 2011
3:30 pm
My fantasy dream last night,,,GT wins, TN wins,,, uga loses,,, perfect weekend

********************************

Most of the UGA folks on here dream about Kate Upton…………

Hankie Aron

October 27th, 2011
3:32 pm

insert a take Baldy. Really? You were stuck on that?

Mary

October 27th, 2011
3:33 pm

I’ll take some Salami.

Baldy Eagles

October 27th, 2011
3:34 pm

Coulda been “give” Hanky.

Jeffery the Clown

October 27th, 2011
3:34 pm

You speak of the schedule, it rotates every year and not sure that the Dawgs can change that. An SEC win is a WIN. Uga is ready to take this game back for many years to come JEFF! They (UF) has a coaching staff that is about to explode and this game will put them in the position to blow up. This Junkyard D will be something that they are not used to seeing in UGA since CBV left. Can not wait to hear your excuse come Sunday!

1eyedJack

October 27th, 2011
3:35 pm

“……and has another just above her Barbie Buttocks (copyright?) that reads, “Ken” (in a heart).”

I hope Biff don’t get his feelings hurt when he’s banging her.

Jeff, could you ask Bradley to pick the Gators also?

Ole Smoky

October 27th, 2011
3:35 pm

SC with no Lattimore & Garcia is a different team.. Very average at best. Gimme that small dog @ home !

Hankie Aron

October 27th, 2011
3:36 pm

DawginLex- I always enjoy reading your level headed comments. Also, there really are some nice people up there in horse country. Been there a few times for business.

DawginLex

October 27th, 2011
3:37 pm

or in my day, Kim Basinger

she was a DGD

although calling her a dog is a serious misuse of the term

Baldy Eagles

October 27th, 2011
3:37 pm

My fantasy dream last night had SI swimsuit models in it…

Jason

October 27th, 2011
3:39 pm

Stop the presses!! Schultz picks the Dawgs to lose..again. Boring.

Hankie Aron

October 27th, 2011
3:39 pm

Could have been “give” I guess

DawginLex

October 27th, 2011
3:40 pm

hankie

Thanks

i just hope we win but the injuries and the return of brantley makes this dicey

Not going to vote!

October 27th, 2011
3:40 pm

UGA- 42
UF – 17

GT- 20
Clemson- 51

Baldy Eagles

October 27th, 2011
3:41 pm

Jeff’s dream was about hippies with really long hair in a rogaine commercial.

Baldy Eagles

October 27th, 2011
3:43 pm

UGA 27
Florida 17

Clemson 38
Tech 17

Tenn 24
SC 21

Arky 34
Vandy 14

Auburn 41
Ole Pisss 13

Ron Swanson

October 27th, 2011
3:43 pm

Are we so mentally uptight for this one that we are dreading the return of John Brantley? Brantley? I know Murray is no Heisman candidate but give me a break.

GTBob

October 27th, 2011
3:44 pm

I agree with Jeff. I can’t see GT or UGA winning this weekend. The Lions are going to beat the Broncos though.

tonyb

October 27th, 2011
3:44 pm

The Georgia fans who are picking the Dawgs are saying close game. Nope, this thing has Georgia blowing out the Gators written all over it. UGA has the better team. Florida is operating under new schemes while UGA has a coaching staff in place for many seasons. UGA is the hot team, they are getting better every week, and Jeff, its all about defense. And UGA is playing some outstanding defense. The transformation under Grantham has been amazing. And lets be honest, GA is the hungry team. I get a sense they have had it with the beat downs in Jacksonville, and they will come out with fire in their eyes. I don’t care how many points Las Vegas gives us, the Dawgs destroy the Gators this year and march to Atlanta as the SEC east champs.

1eyedJack

October 27th, 2011
3:45 pm

“Jeff’s dream was about hippies with really long hair in a rogaine commercial.”

Nah, Jeff is a Nancy Pelosi in black garters with a whip kind of guy. ;)

j prince

October 27th, 2011
3:46 pm

yo jeff– whats up with the chalk board. woody paige wanta be?

Pickled Pigs Feet

October 27th, 2011
3:46 pm

GA TECH… hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha

Ricky D

October 27th, 2011
3:47 pm

Anybody gots $10 I can borry ?

5150 UOAD

October 27th, 2011
3:47 pm

LEX how long was Kim B. at UGA? She couldn’t have been there too long cause she was modeling and making movies pretty young wasn’t she?

joeygt1

October 27th, 2011
3:47 pm

if gt plays good on offense like the first 5 games we win 38-35 if we played liked the last 3 weeks we get killed 35-10

Ron Swanson

October 27th, 2011
3:48 pm

tony, I would love to see the Dawgs play with fire, while at the same time, keeping a level-headed businesslike approach. Otherwise, they will get sloppy and turn the ball over 4 times like we do every other year.

GTJeff

October 27th, 2011
3:48 pm

The spreadis 3.5? Whats that 3.5 touchdowns?

Vain Jangling

October 27th, 2011
3:48 pm

What in tarnation? Schultz predicts the Gators over the Dawgs, when everyone knows that since the AJC is, like, in Georgia and everything, he should be an unrepentant homer for UGA! Stop the madness, I want to get off! (Or something like that.) Jaws are dropping from Hahira to Hiawassee, and the same people (and their mom and them) are saying, “I told you so!” Well, let the unabashed bashing of the unfaithful scribe begin!

Stinger2

October 27th, 2011
3:50 pm

Jeff: Thorazine as the tranquilizer? You need to brush up on your pharmaceutical prescribing. It was outdated 20 years ago. How about Xanax? Works much better.