Before we get to the SEC East, the Republican primary of college divisions where everybody looks like a 4-4 team with two soundbites, a new tax plan and reservations for the Liberty Bowl, this just in: We’ve officially gone to hell.
With the holiday shopping season just around the corner, Mattel is preparing to launch, “Tokidoki” Tattoo Barbie in the U.S. I am not making this up. She has pink hair, is covered with tattoos around her neck and arms and has another just above her Barbie Buttocks (copyright?) that reads, “Ken” (in a heart).
Mattel has come under criticism but says the doll is targeted at adult collectors, not children, which is why we can also soon expect Wowsa Mondo Implant Barbie, Underground Kim Kardashian Video Barbie (with rapper), Strung Out Lindsay Leg Chains Lohan Barbie, and, a sidekick: the Ha Ha How Does It Feel To Have That Tie Rod Jammed Into Your Forehead Ndamukong Suh Psychotic Ken doll (candy Thorazine in grape and cherry flavors included).
See? You just can’t count on anything any more.
Oh wait. It’s Georgia-Florida week. Never mind.
I know. This is the year, right? Aaron Murray is betterthan whatever remains of John Brantley.
The Georgia defense is better than Florida’s.
Chris Rainey? He hasn’t been a threat since Gainesville police revoked his texting privileges. (”Time To Die…Hello? Hello?”)
Will Muschamp? Look at those eyes. We never trusted him!
And the Dogs have won five in a row!
Let’s look at this. The teams have one common opponent so far: Tennessee. They both won. Whoop.
Florida got boat-raced by Alabama and LSU. Like Georgia wouldn’t?
Georgia’s four SEC wins have come over teams with a combined conference record of 1-15. Murray has been average. The defense has been better but will be missing two starters (Kwame Geathers, Shawn Williams) for suspensions in the first half, and can’t really be sure what they’ll get from two other starters just back (Cornelius Washington, suspension; Alec Ogletree, broken foot). Also, Malcolm Mitchell likely won’t play.
Florida’s average. Maybe below average. But this is close enough to a push. Sorry, but a push ain’t pushing me over to the anemic side of 3-18.
Florida is getting 3. I’ll take the points. And the upset. Gators win.
Saturday Value Menu
(Add fries and a used car from Houston Nutt for 99 cents)
Clemson at Tech: The Jackets have three offensive touchdowns in the last nine quarters. I think it’s clear Al Groh needs to fire Paul Johnson and hire a new offensive coordinator. Tevin Washington’s confidence looks shot and sources say Johnson is miserable, which explains the stockades on the sideline at practice. Clemson covers 3½.
South Carolina at Tennessee: Your Poultry update: Marcus Lattimore is done, Stephen Garcia is plotting his next career move at Barbizon, and Alshon Jeffery seems as relevant as Gummo Marx without his brothers. But it’s Tennessee. The Vowels have been outscored 95-25 in their last three games, and Derek Dooley wonders, “Why did I give up law again?” Gamecocks cover 4.
Mississippi at Auburn: I just learned Houston Nutt has a $6 million buyout. Do they not offer classes in high finance in the land of Faulkner? Nutt’s SEC losing streak runs to 11, and Auburn covers 11.
Arkansas at Vanderbilt: The Commodores were painted as dirty against Georgia and last week had to apologize for blasting music over the loud speaker and drowning out the Army alma mater. So now they’re un-American. The Vandy bad boys. If this keeps up and they may be allowed back in the SEC. Hey, can anybody cut-block Bobby Petrino? Arkansas wins but give me Vandy and 10.
Georgia State at Texas-San Antonio: It turns out the Longhorn Network does exist. It’s carrying this game. I believe GSU-UTSA comes on right after, “In The Kitchen With Fred Akers” and “Texas A.D. DeLoss Dodds At The Yalta Conference: Revisionists History, Brought To You By ESPN.” No line. Panthers make it two straight.
NFL Snack Pack
Paper Lions at Broncos: It’s Matthew Stafford vs. Tim Tebow. That’s timely. (Advice to Lions: If you score, don’t empty the bench and celebrate in the end zone. Leaves a hangover.) Stafford is banged up and struggling to hold together an imploding team with defense of cretins. Was that Suh robbing a blood bank this week? Take the 3 but Denver wins in an upset.
Cowboys at Dream Team: Philadelphia’s Asante Samuel ripped management, saying they’re “playing fantasy football.” Hah! Nobody in my league would’ve been dumb enough to sign Ronnie Brown. Take Dallas and 3½, and in an upset.
Patriots at Steelers: Tom Brady vs. Pittsburgh: 6-1, 14 touchdowns, three interceptions. Check? New England covers 3.
Dolphins at Giants: Miami’s quarterback depth chart: Matt Moore, J.P. Losman. My eyes! My eyes! Giants cover 10.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” — Kin Hubbard
Last week (slightly cloudy): 11-1 straight up, 8-4 against the line.
Overall (Real. And spectacular): 70-25 straight up; 61-33-1 against the line.
By Jeff Schultz