Fight predictions: Falcons win, Jackets fall, SEC cowers

What is going on with all of this violence lately? Coaches going after coaches. Coaches going after players who went after coaches. One player even punched another right in the soft part of his zone defense.

A man can’t even go hunting any more without the whole animal kingdom getting upset about it. True story: Some Alaskan moose hunter — and doesn’t every great story start that way? — went out the other day with his musket, hoping to blow off the head of one of nature’s, unarmed creatures, who were just sitting around playing gin-rummy.

Anyway, this guy gets attacked by a grizzly bear, because unbeknownst to the hunter, the Moose, the Grizzlies and the Deer (Wake Forest) have all formed some super alliance and soon plan to announce a conference championship game and a mega-TV deal with ESPN. (That part, I might’ve made up.).

Anyway, the hunter ends up escaping, and I think the grizzly’s head is now on somebody’s wall, and the moral of the story is that the guy with the musket usually wins and the SEC will never admonish him for being an idiot because it’s easier to look tough when you pick on the kid because he’s going to be off campus soon anyway. (See how I did that?)

So the SEC suspends Georgia and Vanderbilt players, but not even a reprimand for the coaches. The conference hasn’t been this whipped since it was taking orders from Urban Meyer.

Meanwhile, on to the less violent ACC. Georgia Tech plays Miami. The Hurricanes will be without defensive tackle Micanor Regis, who last week punched a North Carolina player, Dwight Jones, in the groin. Miami suspended him for “violation of team rules,” which should cover most felonies, post-Jimmy Johnson.

The Jackets have their own issues. The offense produced two touchdowns against Virginia. That’s like a punch to the groin for Paul Johnson. The defense has given up 520 yards rushing in the last two games. On second thought, maybe Johnson should punch Al Groh in the groin.

Tech suddenly has too many warning signs. Also, Miami hasn’t been a garden spot for them. Jackets lose. Canes cover 3.

Mr. Blutarsky: Zero. Point. Zero.

"Classy" Freddie Blassie has a plan for Florida.

Todd Grantham: Off this week. Studying the poetry of Freddie Blassie to prepare for the Florida game.

South Alabama at Georgia State: The Panthers have lost five straight. The problem isn’t Bill Curry’s coaching. The problem is, at the age of 69, he can tackle better than some of his players. No line: State wins.

Tennessee at Alabama: Nick Saban responded to questions about conference expansion and the Heisman race with something from Bartletts’ Quotations: “I could give a s— about all that, excuse my French.” Why do we blame the French every time we swear? And hey, if Saban thinks he has problems, Derek Dooley can look at Tennessee game film and give you an entire dissertation in French. Tide covers 29.

North Carolina at Clemson: Dwight Jones will sing the national anthem. Clemson covers 10½.

Auburn at LSU: Three LSU players have been suspended, reportedly for “synthetic” marijuana, which further magnifies the tragedy of today’s youth because they don’t know the first thing about planting seeds, putting a grow light in your closest, and … wait, where was I? LSU covers 22½.

Three LSU players go to class

Arkansas at Old Ms.: Houston Nutt is the first Mississippi coach to lose nine straight conference games. You know a guy has lost it when he can’t even cheat good. Piggies cover 16.

Army at Vanderbilt: The Commodores  might want to watch the chop-blocking this week. The other team is armed. Vandy wins but take Army and 10½.

Pros and Ex-Cons

This week from Don King Productions: Mike Smith (red) vs. Jim Schwartz (blue).

Falcons at Lions: I keep having this vision: Brent Grimes staring at the navel of Calvin Johnson at the goal line. But the Lions can’t stop the run. And on the Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots coaching front, I like Mike Smith to take out Jim Schwartz inside of six rounds. Take the 4 but Falcons win this straight up.

Redskins at Panthers: I just saw a picture of Mark Rypien’s daughter, Angela, who plays quarterback in the Lingerie Football League. The Manning tree just slipped to second place. (Did you really want me to debate the merits of John Beck over Rex Grossman?) Carolina covers 2½.

This is Angela Rypien of the Lingerie Football League's Seattle Mist. Sorry, I can't identify No. 13 in green. Like it matters.

Broncos at Dolphins: Tim Tebow lays hands on the 1-4 Broncos. Fortunately, he only faces 0-5 Miami, so this is sort of like asking a faith-healer: Can you mow my lawn? Take Denver straight up and 1½.

Packers at Vikings: The Packers might be the most powerful force since the Romans, although I’m quite sure if Augustus was in Green Bay he’d look around and say, “Wow, I thought Milwaukee was bad.” Packers cover 9.

Chiefs at Raiders: Oakland traded potentially two first-round picks for Carson Palmer, who last year threw 20 interceptions and won four games. He makes his first start in over nine months. If this is craps, the Raiders are trying to the roll the hard eight. But it’s the Chiefs. Raiders cover 4.

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Toteboard

“Nine gamblers could not feed a single rooster.” — Yugoslav proverb

Last week (slightly cloudy): 8-3 straight up, 6-5 against the line.

Overall (Real. and spectacular): 59-24 straight up; 53-29-1 against the line.

“Sack Schultz” contest: Last week’s local and national winner (cheater) was Dan Lott of Roswell. He went 15-0. I didn’t. Don’t want to talk about it.

By Jeff Schultz

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