Fight predictions: Falcons win, Jackets fall, SEC cowers

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What is going on with all of this violence lately? Coaches going after coaches. Coaches going after players who went after coaches. One player even punched another right in the soft part of his zone defense.

A man can’t even go hunting any more without the whole animal kingdom getting upset about it. True story: Some Alaskan moose hunter — and doesn’t every great story start that way? — went out the other day with his musket, hoping to blow off the head of one of nature’s, unarmed creatures, who were just sitting around playing gin-rummy.

Anyway, this guy gets attacked by a grizzly bear, because unbeknownst to the hunter, the Moose, the Grizzlies and the Deer (Wake Forest) have all formed some super alliance and soon plan to announce a conference championship game and a mega-TV deal with ESPN. (That part, I might’ve made up.).

Anyway, the hunter ends up escaping, and I think the grizzly’s head is now on somebody’s wall, and the moral of the story is that the guy with the musket usually wins and the SEC will never admonish him for being an idiot because it’s easier to look tough when you pick on the kid because he’s going to be off campus soon anyway. (See how I did that?)

So the SEC suspends Georgia and Vanderbilt players, but not even a reprimand for the coaches. The conference hasn’t been this whipped since it was taking orders from Urban Meyer.

Meanwhile, on to the less violent ACC. Georgia Tech plays Miami. The Hurricanes will be without defensive tackle Micanor Regis, who last week punched a North Carolina player, Dwight Jones, in the groin. Miami suspended him for “violation of team rules,” which should cover most felonies, post-Jimmy Johnson.

The Jackets have their own issues. The offense produced two touchdowns against Virginia. That’s like a punch to the groin for Paul Johnson. The defense has given up 520 yards rushing in the last two games. On second thought, maybe Johnson should punch Al Groh in the groin.

Tech suddenly has too many warning signs. Also, Miami hasn’t been a garden spot for them. Jackets lose. Canes cover 3.


Mr. Blutarsky: Zero. Point. Zero.

"Classy" Freddie Blassie has a plan for Florida.

"Classy" Freddie Blassie has a plan for Florida.

Todd Grantham: Off this week. Studying the poetry of Freddie Blassie to prepare for the Florida game.

South Alabama at Georgia State: The Panthers have lost five straight. The problem isn’t Bill Curry’s coaching. The problem is, at the age of 69, he can tackle better than some of his players. No line: State wins.

Tennessee at Alabama: Nick Saban responded to questions about conference expansion and the Heisman race with something from Bartletts’ Quotations: “I could give a s— about all that, excuse my French.” Why do we blame the French every time we swear? And hey, if Saban thinks he has problems, Derek Dooley can look at Tennessee game film and give you an entire dissertation in French. Tide covers 29.

North Carolina at Clemson: Dwight Jones will sing the national anthem. Clemson covers 10½.

Auburn at LSU: Three LSU players have been suspended, reportedly for “synthetic” marijuana, which further magnifies the tragedy of today’s youth because they don’t know the first thing about planting seeds, putting a grow light in your closest, and … wait, where was I? LSU covers 22½.

Three LSU players go to class

Arkansas at Old Ms.: Houston Nutt is the first Mississippi coach to lose nine straight conference games. You know a guy has lost it when he can’t even cheat good. Piggies cover 16.

Army at Vanderbilt: The Commodores  might want to watch the chop-blocking this week. The other team is armed. Vandy wins but take Army and 10½.

Pros and Ex-Cons

This week from Don King Productions: Mike Smith (red) vs. Jim Schwartz (blue).

This week from Don King Productions: Mike Smith (red) vs. Jim Schwartz (blue).

Falcons at Lions: I keep having this vision: Brent Grimes staring at the navel of Calvin Johnson at the goal line. But the Lions can’t stop the run. And on the Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots coaching front, I like Mike Smith to take out Jim Schwartz inside of six rounds. Take the 4 but Falcons win this straight up.

Redskins at Panthers: I just saw a picture of Mark Rypien’s daughter, Angela, who plays quarterback in the Lingerie Football League. The Manning tree just slipped to second place. (Did you really want me to debate the merits of John Beck over Rex Grossman?) Carolina covers 2½.

This is Angela Rypien of the Seattle "Mist." Sorry but I can't identify No. 13 of the other team.

This is Angela Rypien of the Lingerie Football League's Seattle Mist. Sorry, I can't identify No. 13 in green. Like it matters.

Broncos at Dolphins: Tim Tebow lays hands on the 1-4 Broncos. Fortunately, he only faces 0-5 Miami, so this is sort of like asking a faith-healer: Can you mow my lawn? Take Denver straight up and 1½.

Packers at Vikings: The Packers might be the most powerful force since the Romans, although I’m quite sure if Augustus was in Green Bay he’d look around and say, “Wow, I thought Milwaukee was bad.” Packers cover 9.

Chiefs at Raiders: Oakland traded potentially two first-round picks for Carson Palmer, who last year threw 20 interceptions and won four games. He makes his first start in over nine months. If this is craps, the Raiders are trying to the roll the hard eight. But it’s the Chiefs. Raiders cover 4.

Toteboard

“Nine gamblers could not feed a single rooster.” — Yugoslav proverb

footballbettingLast week (slightly cloudy): 8-3 straight up, 6-5 against the line.

Overall (Real. and spectacular): 59-24 straight up; 53-29-1 against the line.

“Sack Schultz” contest: Last week’s local and national winner (cheater) was Dan Lott of Roswell. He went 15-0. I didn’t. Don’t want to talk about it.

By Jeff Schultz

Follow me on Twitter (@JeffSchultzAJC). Friend me on Facebook (Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC).

320 comments Add your comment

Danny O

October 20th, 2011
2:24 pm

Great column as always!

Stinger2

October 20th, 2011
2:37 pm

Jeff: You are probaly right on all but the Falcons. I have a question: When will all the UGA Vandy stuff stop?

oldfart

October 20th, 2011
2:38 pm

I think Dusty Rhodes would be more appropriate both in looks and poetic meter, ‘cept he didn’t use that kind of language on the teevee.

LHarding Dawg

October 20th, 2011
2:38 pm

That last photo is football we can all agree on.

Dawglasville

October 20th, 2011
2:39 pm

Don’t have anything to say but I’m so close to the top… I think that the Falcons will win also. Our schedule sets up pretty well with the 2 against the Saints, this Lions game and the game at Houston on the road being the biggest question marks left. Would like to see some mis-direction stuff with Quiz.

Danny O

October 20th, 2011
2:40 pm

Dwight Smith is the best pre-game national anthem singer. I don’t know why teams stopped asking him to sing after he retired from playing.

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
2:41 pm

I see you took my advice and took the Canes to cover. I maintain that I was the first (and maybe only) last week to predict a straight-up UVA beat down of my team (although I admit that I didn’t expect it to be so humiliating, as humiliating as a 3-point loss on the road can be.)

Lots of big (point) spreads this week and it’s tempting to go with the underdogs and the large wads of cushion until you start looking at who you’d have to pick (Awbrun, Tennessee, et. al.).

Punch in the groin…that’s what the UVA loss felt like.

ClinchPanther

October 20th, 2011
2:41 pm

You still trying to get Grantham fined. What a loser you are. What if the ajc fined you every time you said something dumb. You would be bankrupt by now.

dawgfacedboy

October 20th, 2011
2:42 pm

Last time I checked shouting profanity and pointing fingers werern’t agaisnt the rules. Stop trying to make something out of nothing. Good grief. Nobody is even talking about the Lions and Niners coaches anymore and the reason for their “disagreement” was over the ferocity of a handshake.

Get over it.

DIT

October 20th, 2011
2:43 pm

Have to disagree with you on the tech game. Not a tech fan, but think they will handle Miami. Miami is just not that good this year and have their own issues.

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
2:44 pm

Forget Angela Rypien…I’m in love with #13.

MarineDog

October 20th, 2011
2:45 pm

@Stinger@,

Sadly, it probably will keep going until the FL game and it will only end if we win.

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
2:46 pm

DIT – “Miami is just not that good this year.” Agreed….but have you watched the Jackets the last three weeks? “Not that good” beat “inept” every time.

DIT

October 20th, 2011
2:48 pm

@gtne80
I have, but I’ll take your coach over Miami’s anyday. Hang in there y’all be alright.

Danny O

October 20th, 2011
2:48 pm

Wow. Dawg fans really got their panties in a wad about Jeff’s comments on Grantham. Is it really so intolerable to have a columnist point out that a coach should set a better example for his players?

Russ, the Temporary Mascot

October 20th, 2011
2:48 pm

I have so many degrees from UGA since I’ve been hanging around as Temporary Mascot. I wish one or two of them would help me get a full time job somewhere. If Coach Grantham is going to study up on Freddie Blassie he will have to learn to call other coaches names like, “pencil neck geek” . . . or, he might try that on Dr Adams. Coach Grantham was a last choice hire after 6 or 7 coaches turned down the job so we get what we got. He’s not very smart but who is in Athens these days? Most of our players have names that defy the alphabet. I hear Grantham may have our players rub pepper in the eyes of the other team while they are on the ground. When they get up he’s going to call ‘em crybabies and give ‘em the choke sign. I really like the fire he brings to this team. We’re pretty close to being a gang if we can find that one good fight.

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
2:50 pm

@DIT – Agreed about the coach, but I haven’t seen CPJ out there trying to block the nose tackle.

Dawglasville

October 20th, 2011
2:51 pm

For what it is worth Jeff I think you have overkilled the Tebow – the Messiah- joke. We may have to agree to disagree, not that you are going to stop writing it. The guy is a Christian and he doesn’t hide it. I’m not sure why it continues to be fashionalbe to mock him.

oldfart

October 20th, 2011
2:51 pm

I for one would also vote to stop the debate on the mythical sportsmanship in the SEC at least in lieu of more lingerie football pictures, er talk. I may be old but when I get to preferring sportsmanship over sporting get the shovel.

Hollywould

October 20th, 2011
2:54 pm

Jeff, Glad u came back/ I thought the leg humpers were gonna pull an occupy ajc. btw, tech beats Miami and my War Eagles go down. I am taking the points though.

5150 UOAD

October 20th, 2011
2:55 pm

How can Football be played with a team of just Tight Ends and Wide Receivers? Hell, I don’t care. I just want to the ref that gets to rummage in the pile after a fumble.

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
2:55 pm

I think I’d trade Groh for Grantham.

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
2:57 pm

Groh is to defense what Gailey was to offense.

Dawgwild

October 20th, 2011
2:57 pm

Haha enjoyed. Tell Bradley he blows for me!

Richt`s Hammer

October 20th, 2011
2:59 pm

Russ are you still alive?

I thought choakdawg ate you.

Old Blue

October 20th, 2011
2:59 pm

Reports were that Freddie Blassie’s grandmother didn’t like him. As a young rasslin referee, Freddie took care of me when times called for it. I liked the guy. He always dressed well, drove a fine auto and carried a pistol for his protection outside the ring. Funny. . . I never heard him ever mention football.

oldfart

October 20th, 2011
3:00 pm

I’ve never seen a gal’s drawers come with pull tabs before, is that idea patented? I wish the nancy boy designers would put that on all of them.

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
3:01 pm

Drawers with pull tabs….sort of brings a new meaning to the term “combat uniforms” (mull that one over Nike)

Bug Zapper

October 20th, 2011
3:02 pm

Jeff, good read…..I actually laughed……I gotta check into the Lingerie football league…..Wow, thats real entertainment!……As for the suspensions, I think the guy from Vandy should have gotten much worse…..He waited for the action to stop then tryed to take out Geathers knee’s….I hear his dad isnt too happy about it either……As for the coaches, it is what it is…Lets move forward….Go Dawgs!

juvenal

October 20th, 2011
3:02 pm

punch in the grohin?

PigIron

October 20th, 2011
3:02 pm

Jeff,

I disagree RE: Tigers v. Tigers. LSU is obviously the favorite in this game, but I never bit on the 3 TD spread even before the incense incident. I’ve just watched too many of these match-ups. I expect a low scoring head-banger similar to LSU’s earlier game with MSU – only Auburn is a much better team now than Misery State was then. I’m expecting something more along the lines of LSU 24-17.

Too bad I’m not a betting man, or I’d take this bet all the way to the bank.

Bug Zapper

October 20th, 2011
3:03 pm

I think I’ve seen that girl wearing 13…..I jus know I know her from somewhere…..How do you forget a profile like that!

Bug Zapper

October 20th, 2011
3:03 pm

I think I’ve seen that girl wearing 13…..I jus know I know her from somewhere…..How do you forget a profile like that!

Bug Zapper

October 20th, 2011
3:04 pm

dogcatchergeneral

October 20th, 2011
3:07 pm

AU makes it a closer than the experts think game.

Jeff

October 20th, 2011
3:09 pm

Jeff…damn…blassie and tolos…how old are you anyway?? you must be a pro rassling historian to remember those two. Oh Blassie supposedly filed his front teeth so they’d be sharper with which to bite his opponent…should we send Grantham any?? Or are his sharp enough?? wow…him and Will Muschamp would make a great wrestling cage match after the Georgia-Fla. game…smack dab on the 50-yard line. That could prove more interesting than the actual game…who would you take in that fight??

D Fence

October 20th, 2011
3:11 pm

Just wait til Grantham gets a hold of Charlie Weiss’ offense, we’re talking about a bionic elbow off the top rope style pain….

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
3:13 pm

3 team parlay – Clempson, Awbrun and Miami

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:13 pm

Danny o — Thanks.

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:14 pm

Stinger2 — I’ve got nothing left to say about Vandy game. Comments in this blog really were directed at SEC.

reebok

October 20th, 2011
3:14 pm

detroit over the falcons, bees over the canes. everyone have an awesome weekend, i am as they say, real real gone. oh, jeff…loved the seinfeld reference. terri hatcher, wasn’t it?

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:15 pm

Oldfart — You make a fine case for Dusty Rhodes. But Freddie Blassie and John “The Greek” Tolos were a part of my childhood.

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:15 pm

LHarding Dawg — No kidding.

Tech Fan

October 20th, 2011
3:15 pm

I think we all agree the last picture is the best. Does ATL have a team in this league?

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:16 pm

Lloyd Christmas — You serious with a comment like that? Watch yourself please.

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:17 pm

ClinchPanther — Have I ever used the word “fined” for Grantham? I’ve only suggested both coaches need to be reprimanded.

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:18 pm

Danny O — “Is it really so intolerable to have a columnist point out that a coach should set a better example for his players?” … Yes, apparently so. Folks take things a little personally in the SEC, ya know.

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:19 pm

Russ, The Temporary Mascot — Way to pull out that “pencil neck geek” reference from yesteryear.

Jeff Schultz

October 20th, 2011
3:19 pm

Dawglasville — Gee, I thought I was more subtle than that. And I’m certainly not knocking the man’s religion. That’s something I never do.

gtne80

October 20th, 2011
3:20 pm

I believe Freddie was fond of calling the locals, “Grit eaters” too.