We will commence with this week’s blue chip indicators immediately following Steve Spurrier’s testimony to his superiors regarding the stolen strawberries aboard the U.S.S. Caine. Ssssh. I think he’s losing it …
“Lies! I tried to run the ship properly by the book but they fought me at every turn! They encouraged the crew to go around scoffing at me and spreading wild rumors about steaming in circles! And then old yellow stain! I was to blame for Lt. Merrick’s incompetence and poor seamanship. Lt. Merrick was the perfect officer but not Captain Queeg. Ah, but the strawberries! That’s where I had them! They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist! I … I … I …”
Come back to us, Steve.
I never really noticed the resemblance between Spurrier and Captain Queeg until this week, when he declined to speak at a news conference with a certain columnist in the room and later (after four years of Enabling 101) kicked Stephen Garcia off the team (and don’t think the distraction of one clown act didn’t have something to do with the other).
Spurrier needs to bow disgracefully, unless he desires another oversigned recruiting class, after which he’ll deny such a practice exists and just assume everybody’s out to get him.
Where was I? Ah, yes. The strawberries! (Back to that creep in a minute.)
In less riveting matters, Georgia plays Vanderbilt this week. Captain Vanilla’s Dogs have won four straight. The objective at Vandy is to make the Florida game mean something. Todd Grantham’s defense has been strong lately.Here’s a thank you gift: Vandy has scored three points in the last two weeks.
Dogs are favored by 11. Lies! Actually, the truth, and I’m not completely comfortable with that. Georgia wins but take Vandy plus 11.
Watch as Steve Spurrier takes out his Chinese therapy balls
“Captain Insano shows no mercy” (Bobby Boucher)
Tech at Virginia: Al Groh returns to Charlottesville. I’ll sum up his sentimental thoughts: “Phhhhttt.” So what’s a 12th ranked, 6-0 team doing on ESPNU (now seen in 12 homes) with the broadcast team of Pam Ward and Dan Hawkins? The Jackets will start to get more eyes in the next few weeks (Miami, Clemson, Virginia Tech). For now: The 7½ is covered.
South Carolina at Mississippi State: Nick Saban told the media he was limiting access to quarterback A.J. McCarron but added, “I’m not gonna pull a Steve Spurrier on you!” Even he’s mocking Queeg! Would love to pick an upset here. Can’t do it. Gamecocks cover 2½.
LSU at Tennessee: Les Miles says there’s no quarterback controversy between Jarrett Lee and Jordan Jefferson. But when you win three conference games by scores of 19-6, 35-7 and 41-11, who’s going to squawk? Vols crushed (16 is covered).
Florida at Auburn: The Gators won their first four games, then in consecutive weeks (Alabama, LSU) looked like a chipmunk yelling to the Winnebago, “Stop, or I’ll use my super powers!” Smack. But I sense a rise! Gators win and cover 2.
Clemson at Maryland: I’ve blown a couple of picks expecting this Dabo Swinney team to fold (like normal). I’ll stop now. (Here we go: Murphy’s Law about to hit me like a brick.) Tigers cover 8½
Panthers at Falcons: The NCAA has cleared all potential legal obstacles, so Cam Newton can cross the state border. Newton (322 yards per game) is a threat, but so is everybody against the Birds. The offense goes comatose in the second half. Julio Jones has a bad hammy. Confident? No. But I’ll give the Falcons points for desperation. They’ll cover 4.
Eagles at Redskins: The Eagles have a league-high 15 turnovers. Their offense is like watching a blender with the the top off. Philly covers 1½.
Tim Tebow: He makes his first start of the season next week. Until then, he’s available for exorcisms and resurrections.
Texans at Ravens: With Indy walking the green mile, Houston has a chance to win the AFC Central. But the last two losses should stop any premature canonization of Matt Schaub. Baltimore covers 7½.
49ers at Lions: Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson already have hooked up for nine touchdowns. Imagine the bowl possibilities if they had gone to the same school. Detroit covers 4.
Spread of the week: Green Bay really hates the Falcons for some reason, so much so that I wouldn’t be stunned at a letdown. Besides, I’m a sucker for 15 points in an NFL game. Packers win but give me the Rams and 15.
“In a bet, there is a fool and a thief.” — Proverb
Last week (Solid. Of course): 9-2 straight up, 7-4 against the line.
Overall (only awesome): 51-21 straight up; 47-24-1 against the line.
“Sack Schultz” contest: Last week’s winners, Diane Feeney of Roswell and Bruce Jones of Mount Aukum, Calif., both went 15-0 and won the LSU tiebreaker. But they cheat. We’ve got two leaders at 80-10 overall for the Hawaii trip and Georgia-Georgia Tech tickets.
By Jeff Schultz