Dude. My head hurts. Here I am trying to psych myself up for My People’s annual 24-hour, sin-cleansing fast (on a football Saturday!) and Jordan Schafer has totally thrown me for a loop. It’s not about his marijuana arrest but what the police confiscated: three marijuana peanut butter cups.
Half of you emailed me asking if I had a recipe. Like that automatically comes with a California birth certificate. Sorry. Mama only taught me how to make lasagna.
Pot-infused Reeses? This could be the greatest/worstest potential vicious cycle of munchies known to mankind. Buzzed. Eat. Buzzed. Eat. More, more, more. MORE!!! Forget bombs. We should just drop pot-infused Reese’s on suspected Al-Qaeda hideouts. They’d all fall into helium-like, empty-calorie comas (at least after seven hours of the Cartoon Network).
Which leads me to Georgia-Tennessee. (Transitions take up space.)
Barbara Dooley doesn’t need no wacky tobaccy to have fun. As the wife of Vince and mother of Derek, she has made her choice. It’s clear: sonny boy. Babs blasted two Knoxville sportswriters on an Athens radio show Thursday to defend Derek (the Tennessee coach) and attack those who believe he’s on the coaching hot seat. “Let me say this: Derek Dooley walked into kind of a mess,” she said. “Florida, [Will Muschamp] walks into talent just oozing out of their ears. Jimbo Fisher walks into FSU with talent. And y’all are telling me that Derek Dooley is on the damn hot seat? Are you crazy?”
Don’t hit me, Babs. I’m on your side.
It’s prove-it week for the Dogs. They go to Knoxville. Not that Tennessee is great, but it’s an SEC road game in a stadium where the Dogs have been known to spontaneously combust (past two losses by a combined 80-33). Georgia still hasn’t been impressive, but that didn’t stop linebacker Cornelius Washington from allegedly overindulging in booze and trying to drive the speed of sound. (He’ll be unable to play this week due to a sudden appointment with a pickaxe and a pile of rocks.)
Just haven’t seen enough from Georgia. Besides, I don’t want Mama Dooley mad at me. Give me Tennessee and the one. And Vols for the win.
“Grab A Brew. Don’t Cost Nothin’.”
Maryland at Tech: Fired Terps coach Ralph Friedgen said last week, “I could care less about Maryland, I’ve burned my diploma. I’m flying a Georgia Tech flag right now.” But Maryland lost to Temple by 31, so that qualifies as justifiable diploma-cide. Jackets: 6-0 and bowl eligible already? Tech covers 14.
Flawida at LSU: The Gators say quarterback John Brantley is week-to-week. This has a chance to turn into an old Saturday Night Live skit. (”Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.”) Tigers cover 13½.
Vanderbilt at Alabama: Can anybody name the Vanderbilt coach? Bama covers 29.
Spurrier Exposure Bowl: Steve Spurrier never suspended Stephen Garcia for a game for assorted acts of debauchery, but now that Garcia officially stinks he has found the “courage” to bench him. With his set of values, Spurrier must have his eye on the NCAA presidency. South Carolina covers 21.
Auburn at Arkansas: This probably won’t be a replay of Auburn’s 65-43 win last year, although the Tigers could do worse than bring Cam Newton on the trip and stand him on the sideline as a prop, just to see Coach Pigface’s reaction. Razorbacks win, but take Auburn and 10.
NFL Snack Pack
(Buy any two picks, receive a copy of Hank Williams Jr.’s Book of Analogies, “Why Abe Lincoln is like Francisco Franco.”)
Packers at Falcons: Tarvaris Jackson reportedly was at the Seattle airport weeping hysterically until officials in white coats dragged him away as he screamed, “No! Dunta! Come back!” So if the Falcons make Jackson look like Unitas, is Aaron Rodgers Zeus? The defense doesn’t have a sack in the past three games. This could get ugly. Packers cover 5½.
Jets at Patriots: Jets receiver Santonio Holmes on New England’s defense: “The numbers speak for themselves about how well they’re not playing.” Dude. That was a mistake. Pats cover 9½.
Bears at Lions: You know, if the season ended today, we could be looking at a Lions-Bills Super Bowl. My eyes! My eyes! Detroit covers 6, goes 5-0.
Eagles at Bills: Philly is 1-3. Quoth Michael Vick, “Can’t talk dream team any more.” Sure you can. The one in Miami choked, too. Eagles cover 2½.
Saints at Panthers: Tom Brady and Drew Brees are the only quarterbacks in the league who’ve thrown for more yards than Cam Newton. I’m sure Jeff George can come up with some trophy for him. Saints cover 6.
Progress Report (Kiss the king)
“I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” — Mitch Hedberg
Last week (just OK): 6-5 straight up, 7-4 against the line.
Overall (just awesome): 42-19 straight up; 40-20-1 against the line.
“Sack Schultz” contest: Last week’s winners were Ryan Moss (Atlanta) and Kevin Anderson (Port Angeles, Wash.). Both went 14-1 and won the Alabama-Florida tiebreaker. I was awful last week (8-7). I don’t want to talk about it.
By Jeff Schultz