Weekend Predictions: Dogs and Falcons are going down

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Dude. My head hurts. Here I am trying to psych myself up for My People’s annual 24-hour, sin-cleansing fast (on a football Saturday!) and Jordan Schafer has totally thrown me for a loop. It’s not about his marijuana arrest but what the police confiscated: three marijuana peanut butter cups.

Half of you emailed me asking if I had a recipe. Like that automatically comes with a California birth certificate. Sorry. Mama only taught me how to make lasagna.

Pot-infused Reeses? This could be the greatest/worstest potential vicious cycle of munchies known to mankind. Buzzed. Eat. Buzzed. Eat. More, more, more. MORE!!! Forget bombs. We should just drop pot-infused Reese’s on suspected Al-Qaeda hideouts. They’d all fall into helium-like, empty-calorie comas (at least after seven hours of the Cartoon Network).

Going around the Internet: A peek at Tennessee's new Nike Pro Combat unis.

Floating around the web: The Vols' Nike Pro Combat unis.

Which leads me to Georgia-Tennessee. (Transitions take up space.)

Barbara Dooley doesn’t need no wacky tobaccy to have fun. As the wife of Vince and mother of Derek, she has made her choice. It’s clear: sonny boy. Babs blasted two Knoxville sportswriters on an Athens radio show Thursday to defend Derek (the Tennessee coach) and attack those who believe he’s on the coaching hot seat. “Let me say this: Derek Dooley walked into kind of a mess,” she said. “Florida, [Will Muschamp] walks into talent just oozing out of their ears. Jimbo Fisher walks into FSU with talent. And y’all are telling me that Derek Dooley is on the damn hot seat? Are you crazy?”

Don’t hit me, Babs. I’m on your side.

It’s prove-it week for the Dogs. They go to Knoxville. Not that Tennessee is great, but it’s an SEC road game in a stadium where the Dogs have been known to spontaneously combust (past two losses by a combined 80-33). Georgia still hasn’t been impressive, but that didn’t stop linebacker Cornelius Washington from allegedly overindulging in booze and trying to drive the speed of sound. (He’ll be unable to play this week due to a sudden appointment with a pickaxe and a pile of rocks.)

Just haven’t seen enough from Georgia. Besides, I don’t want Mama Dooley mad at me. Give me Tennessee and the one. And Vols for the win.

“Grab A Brew. Don’t Cost Nothin’.”

Maryland at Tech: Fired Terps coach Ralph Friedgen said last week, “I could care less about Maryland, I’ve burned my diploma. I’m flying a Georgia Tech flag right now.” But Maryland lost to Temple by 31, so that qualifies as justifiable diploma-cide. Jackets: 6-0 and bowl eligible already? Tech covers 14.

This is what a fraud looks like when he's angry.

This is what a fraud looks like when he's angry.

Flawida at LSU: The Gators say quarterback John Brantley is week-to-week. This has a chance to turn into an old Saturday Night Live skit. (”Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.”) Tigers cover 13½.

Vanderbilt at Alabama: Can anybody name the Vanderbilt coach? Bama covers 29.

Spurrier Exposure Bowl: Steve Spurrier never suspended Stephen Garcia for a game for assorted acts of debauchery, but now that Garcia officially stinks he has found the “courage” to bench him. With his set of values, Spurrier must have his eye on the NCAA presidency. South Carolina covers 21.

Auburn at Arkansas: This probably won’t be a replay of Auburn’s 65-43 win last year, although the Tigers could do worse than bring Cam Newton on the trip and stand him on the sideline as a prop, just to see Coach Pigface’s reaction. Razorbacks win, but take Auburn and 10.

NFL Snack Pack

What Aaron Rodgers must look like to Falcons.

What Aaron Rodgers must look like to Falcons.

(Buy any two picks, receive a copy of Hank Williams Jr.’s Book of Analogies, “Why Abe Lincoln is like Francisco Franco.”)

Packers at Falcons: Tarvaris Jackson reportedly was at the Seattle airport weeping hysterically until officials in white coats dragged him away as he screamed, “No! Dunta! Come back!” So if the Falcons make Jackson look like Unitas, is Aaron Rodgers Zeus? The defense doesn’t have a sack in the past three games. This could get ugly. Packers cover 5½.

Jets at Patriots: Jets receiver Santonio Holmes on New England’s defense: “The numbers speak for themselves about how well they’re not playing.” Dude. That was a mistake. Pats cover 9½.

How did their dream work out?

How did their dream work out in the end?

Bears at Lions: You know, if the season ended today, we could be looking at a Lions-Bills Super Bowl. My eyes! My eyes! Detroit covers 6, goes 5-0.

Eagles at Bills: Philly is 1-3. Quoth Michael Vick, “Can’t talk dream team any more.” Sure you can. The one in Miami choked, too. Eagles cover 2½.

Saints at Panthers: Tom Brady and Drew Brees are the only quarterbacks in the league who’ve thrown for more yards than Cam Newton. I’m sure Jeff George can come up with some trophy for him. Saints cover 6.

Progress Report (Kiss the king)

“I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” — Mitch Hedberg

gambling

Last week (just OK): 6-5 straight up, 7-4 against the line.

Overall (just awesome): 42-19 straight up; 40-20-1 against the line.

“Sack Schultz” contest: Last week’s winners were Ryan Moss (Atlanta) and Kevin Anderson (Port Angeles, Wash.). Both went 14-1 and won the Alabama-Florida tiebreaker. I was awful last week (8-7). I don’t want to talk about it.

By Jeff Schultz

607 comments Add your comment

a better strategy..

October 6th, 2011
2:53 pm

would be to feed the laced pb cups to all republicans so they would stop being such uptight a holes….

Senor Smoke

October 6th, 2011
2:53 pm

Oddsmaker

October 6th, 2011
2:53 pm

Vegas disagrees with you and they’re usually right. Dawgs win SU

MagnaCarterGT

October 6th, 2011
2:54 pm

Don’t be silly, Jeff. The head coach of Vanderbilt is Ron FranHNNNNNNNNNNGHHH

/keels over

Dawgs Rule

October 6th, 2011
2:55 pm

Dawgs Rule

October 6th, 2011
2:55 pm

Ludakit

October 6th, 2011
2:55 pm

Vandy’s coach is James Franklin. Tennessee fans definitely know it since he’s been out recruiting them all over the state.

Go Dawgs (but I’m nervous about this weekend).

even better strategy..

October 6th, 2011
2:57 pm

An even better strategy is for all the leftist morons protesting Wall Street while skipping class on their parents dime to go home, study and get a JOB.

John

October 6th, 2011
2:59 pm

DawginLex

October 6th, 2011
3:04 pm

Wrong on the Dawgs

Ryan

October 6th, 2011
3:08 pm

Tennessee is one dimensional on offense, just like Mississippi St. was last week. Grantham will have that star-studded secondary ready. UGA wins by 10+.
However, I agree, Falcons-Packers could get ugly.

Matt Ryan's Dad

October 6th, 2011
3:12 pm

Is there any way we can get Ralph Friedgen to replace Mularky? Seems like he was a pretty good OC at Tech.

Ryan

October 6th, 2011
3:13 pm

Breakout game for the Falcon’s Matt Bosher

Die Hard Falcon

October 6th, 2011
3:13 pm

Have a good Yom Kippur Jeff, I’ll be right there w/ you. I know that the Falcons are going to have an extremely difficult task, and if they play anything like they’ve played thus far this year, we won’t win. I believe that we can win this, we must protect Ryan and hit the packers (especially the arrogant rodgers & driver) in the MOUTH. No prisoners, all players agree to pool their money to pay for fines and just smack them up and down the field. I live in Iowa, right on the Wisconsin border and if I have to live another week of cheesehead smacktalk, I’m going to need another day of atonement for my reactions. Please Falcons, find a way to use all of these weapons, we have what it takes, now figure it OUT!!

Ted M

October 6th, 2011
3:14 pm

Gators in an upset.

Keeping it Real

October 6th, 2011
3:14 pm

Read somewhere that Dunta would actually be good if he was a “cover” corner instead of playing zone. Don’t know if that is true, but would sure like to see the Falcons change it up and play to our strengths. BVG and MM need to come up with something better or our season is over after this week. Cleveland must be rejoicing.

antidepressed dawg

October 6th, 2011
3:15 pm

Yo Jeff – the radio show was in Athens….she drove to the station upon hearing the conversation and all but kicked the door of the studio in to GATA of the Knoxville writers that the local guy had on the phone. Beauty of the whole thing is there was a congressman on the phone waiting for the next interview that listened to the whole thing. Babs said “He can wait. Football is important!”

Pete

October 6th, 2011
3:15 pm

OK, well, thanks Sgt. Schultz for ruining my weekend in advance.

McDawg

October 6th, 2011
3:15 pm

so when did UT become this big bad fearsome football team-if we could only get Bradley to agree with you then i will feel good about Saturday

Robinwood

October 6th, 2011
3:17 pm

WTF kind of analysis is that, anyway?

/ChandlerBing

Could you BE any more wrong about the Dawgs?

Uuuuuugh...

October 6th, 2011
3:17 pm

Yes!!!

“I want to work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. All you have to do is say what something does and add ‘er’. ‘What’s that thing do?’ ‘It keeps [stuff] fresh.’ ‘Well, that’s a [friendly?] Fresher…I’m going on break.’”

Ted M

October 6th, 2011
3:18 pm

The kid for FL, Jeff Driskel, throws 3 TD’s. LSU falls and Texas wins at home. The top 2 teams go down this week. The NC is wide open.

DJDAWG

October 6th, 2011
3:19 pm

I agree DawginLex,I dont see them beating us without a running game! cant play in the SEC and not be able to run the ball! Its not gonna happen. DAWGS take this one!

Ted M

October 6th, 2011
3:20 pm

Aaron Murray has no turnovers, Dawgs win by 17.

SimpleDawg

October 6th, 2011
3:21 pm

Call me crazy, but…..

I’m feeling a Dawg win over the Vowels. Da’ Vols get battered by the Dawgs defense.

And…..the Falcons squeak out a win over the Pack. Falcons finally get some sacks on Rodgers.

Oh, and the Braves blow another game…..

dawggirl

October 6th, 2011
3:21 pm

Good Yom Tov, Jeff. And I will be fasting along with you as well. Going to someone else’s house for dinner for Break Fast, not sure if I can watch the whole game, but my boyfriend promised to text me the score. If it’s bad news, he’s in trouble.

FWIW, I dreamed the Dawgs won but the final score was something utterly ridiculous – like 75-63.

Uuuuuugh...

October 6th, 2011
3:22 pm

Sorry I know there is more to the post than that but all I heard in my head while reading was “Words…Words…Words…Mitch Hedberg quote…more words.”

Jeff how do you feel about Anthony Jeselnik? Great delivery…coming to Punchline next week. Can’t wait.

Also…Dawgs win on a field goal made by our headca–I mean kicker. AND Richt goes for it on at least one 4th down in the first half.

Frank Lane

October 6th, 2011
3:23 pm

Sooner or later Crowell is going to have a break out game and I think this is it. 200+ yards. Emulate Herschel!! Run over and around some orange.

Destin Dawg

October 6th, 2011
3:23 pm

Richt coach the offense… let Grantham coach the defense… teams have scored more on our offense than on Grantham’s Junkyard Dawgs defense !!!! put in Hutson Mason on Murray”s 1st completion to the Tenn. defense… go Dawgs !!!

jim

October 6th, 2011
3:24 pm

you act just like the old sarge on the show.

Reality

October 6th, 2011
3:25 pm

Dawgs by 3, Tech by 24, LSU, BAMA USC and Auburn win.

kevin

October 6th, 2011
3:26 pm

Well, you may be right about UGA b/c they have not played well at UT as of late and UT is an improved team. That said, UT was utterly demolished by UGA last year and UGA has improved also. Moreover, with the exception of Boise St., UGA has looked dominant on defense. Top 10 in the country and 2nd in the SEC behind Bama. UGA would only have 1 loss if it weren’t a fluke-fest against SC (including a bs offside onside kick penalty). UGA wins. Though, it will be close.

Mtn Dawg

October 6th, 2011
3:27 pm

Schultzy, Schultzy…Come now. You know UT will not be able to hang with the new dawg D.

Dawgs by 10.

Orlando Dawg.

October 6th, 2011
3:28 pm

Dawgs win a close game.Richt needs this one.

shanahan

October 6th, 2011
3:28 pm

wow, jeff picks tennessee?? and what exactly have they shown you??

Joey

October 6th, 2011
3:28 pm

I thought the Falcons solved its pass rush problems – you know, getting Edwards = more sacks = less focus on Abraham = more sacks for Abraham also?

Kinda like the Braves getting Bourn for more manufactured runs, except nobody could hit when he got in scoring position?

The best laid plans of mice and men (& Atlanta sports teams) . . .

Robinwood

October 6th, 2011
3:31 pm

Crowell is due. I would love for this to be the game where he breaks out for 200+ and shuts those sister-kisses up in the stands.

Big Albany Dawg

October 6th, 2011
3:31 pm

Hopefully our D won’t play like they’ve gorged themselves on pot-infused Reeses.

Ted M

October 6th, 2011
3:32 pm

The Falcons only hope…knock Rodgers out in the 2nd quarter…chances of that 8%.

Just an observation – Michael Turner is slow.

Bama in Atlanta

October 6th, 2011
3:32 pm

The only way Florida wins is if Muschamp invokes the NFL rule and trades Driskel, Demps, the head trainer, two waterboys and a female cheerleader to Boise State for Kellen Moore.

Luke

October 6th, 2011
3:33 pm

Crowell is due? You mean to tell me that 2 straight 100+ games aren’t good enough? Sheesh. Tough crowd. Only way Crowell is getting 200+ is if he gets 30+ carries, and we all know THAT aint happening.

kerryb

October 6th, 2011
3:34 pm

UGA will NOT lose to TN. Let’s see, TN has won against teams they can beat up on but lost to UF. What have they shown yet to make this prediction? Bray is not going to be able to run up 41 points against this defense. He’ll be too busy picking himself up off the ground all night. The defense will make them one dimensional and he won’t be able to throw against a more experienced secondary.

Ted M

October 6th, 2011
3:34 pm

When is Paul Johnson gonna start screaming at Al Groh?

Handy Manny

October 6th, 2011
3:35 pm

UT 31 UGA 16
GT 49 TERPS 17

Beast from the East

October 6th, 2011
3:38 pm

Vowels in a mild upset.
Tech will win but won’t cover.
LSU big over my hapless Gators. Don’t kill Drsikell….we need him next year!!!!
Bama covers.
SC wins but does not cover. Too many mistakes.
Arky covers.

Destin Dawg

October 6th, 2011
3:38 pm

I’m a Richt supporter… but I’d sure like to see a rabid pit Bull Dawg for a change… Keep your foot on the gas… no hurry up… I formation.. . run the ball… then maybe one or 2 trickerations… reverses .. fake kick.. etc.. Go for it on 4 th and 1… Play Mason.. and a couple runs for Malcome ???

DJDAWG

October 6th, 2011
3:38 pm

Handy Manny = Troll

Ole Smoky

October 6th, 2011
3:39 pm

Love your picks…. All of em !

Ernmeister

October 6th, 2011
3:39 pm

I’m now three up on Schultz in the Sack Schultz contest, and I aim to keep it that way. So from here on out, I’m picking all the teams he picks, since he’s foolish enough to show us his picks. I don’t care about winning $100 worth of stuff at some booze-house or winning a trip to Hawaii. I only wish he wasn’t so cheap. Back in the days, Furman Bisher used to send us an I Beat Bisher t-shirt in any week when we beat him. I have quite a collection somewhere in a closet. But then, Bisher never drank up all the proceeds. Fat chance we’ll get anything like that from Schultz, who can be found on a bar stool any time after 4 p.m. on days that end in y.

DawginLex

October 6th, 2011
3:39 pm

Crowell had bruised ribs and that affests your breathing.

He could get 30 carries Saturday.

He will get over 150 yards if he does