Falcons, Dogs, Jackets dance better than Nancy Graceless
It has been a difficult week, and I’m not just talking about the Braves’ exit or the fact that Nancy Graceless apparently had some sort of wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Mutants, which brought the world to a standstill, wiped out half the planet’s vegetation and destroyed the good and the innocence that exists inside all of us.
But the really difficult week has been in Flowery Branch, where everybody has been looking at game film and coming to the realization: “Wow. We really stink. Has Nancy ever played left tackle? Because really, she can’t be any worse than Sam Baker, although he might look better in sequins.”
Could Nancy at left tackle be an improvement?
The Falcons are 1-2 so, yeah, they’ve still got 13 games left. But they’ve got problems. When the quarterback seems to call plays better than the offensive coordinator, and too many guys on defense still look at each other with that Scooby Doo, rut-roh gaze in their eyeballs, and linemen aren’t even stopping pass-rushers long enough to collect a 50-cent toll … well, I’m thinking: Last Tango in Playoffs.
Ryan has been sacked 13 times. He has been hit 479 times, I think. He probably has been hit as much as Michael Vick, the only difference being that Ryan isn’t looking to press charges while holding up his paw like some wounded puppy. (Dog analogy was completely accidental. Sorta.)
This week, it’s Seattle. This game would’ve been more fun if Jim Mora were still coaching the Seahawks. But alas, he has been committed.
The Falcons are 0-2 on the road. They have scored one offensive touchdown in eight quarters on the road. Confidence: not oozing. But the line is 4½, and I’m willing to dance. Assuming limited malfunctions: Falcons win and cover.
School Daze
Other Bulldogs at Trembling Chihuahuas: Georgia is 2-0 since the season ended. One juicy subplot: Mississippi State rang the Mark Richt Job Alarm last season with an upset in Starkville, the Dogs’ first loss to MSU in 36 years. On a related note, Dan Mullen is interviewing realtors at halftime. Wait, who said that? Dogs cover 7.
Georgia Tech at N.C. State: The Jackets are 4-0 for the first time since their 1990 national title season. They’ve averaged over 600 yards and 53 points per game and next plan to conquer Eastern Europe. OK, so they’ve beaten a few Lichtenstein’s. But that doesn’t explain how a triple-option coach like Paul Johnson is getting higher marks for his passing attack than the Falcons? Tech covers 9½.
Here's Charlie Weis. And . . .
Alabama at Florida: A young Tampa TV reporter asked Will Muschamp this week if he had “kind of a Master vs Padawan thing going on” in his relationship with his mentor Nick Saban. Muschamp looked at her like she was from Neptune. The rest of the media just figured she had been separated from her middle school group at Dragon*Con. Actually, I’ve got no problem with Star Wars analogies. But stick with the basics: like Charlie Weis and Jabba The Hutt, separated at birth. Tide cover 4.
Arkansas vs. Texas A&M: In a moment of sheer irony that only Bobby Petrino could provide, Beelzebub responded to a question about
Here's Jabba The Hutt. Wait a minute.
SEC expansion this way: “Why don’t we do all this stuff after the football season?” Gee, I dunno. Maybe Texas A&M just couldn’t wait two more games and preferred lying to their bosses and sneaking out of town for a midnight news conference in Pigville. Oh no, wait. That was you. Aggies cover 3.
Auburn at South Carolina: Cam Newton had 11 touchdowns in two games against the Gamecocks last season. Steve Spurrier’s return this season can be tied directly to the NFL draft. Carolina wins, but take Auburn and 10.
Clemson at Virginia Tech: Dabo Swinney has beaten ranked teams (Auburn, Florida State) two straight weeks. Maybe I misjudged him. Naaaaw. Hokies cover 7.
For his comments, Bobby Petrino deserves the, “Fish Slapping Dance.”
NFL Value Meals
(Add fries and a DeAngelo Hall alibi for 99 cents)
Maybe this is D-Hall's career philosophy.
49ers at Eagles: Michael Vick is complaining that he gets hit too much. I thought prison was supposed to toughen you up? Philly wins, but take San Fran and 9.
Redskins at Rams: DeAngelo Hall followed bogus threats of hitting Tony Romo in the ribs by not getting near Romo and whiffing several times on wide receiver Dez Bryant, unless you count when he grabbed Bryant’s face mask after allowing a 30-yard reception on third-and-21 to set up the Cowboys’ winning field goal. How many ways can you spell “punk”? Rams win a pick ‘em.
Lions at Cowboys: Matthew Stafford: 9 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, 977 yards and 3-0 after three games. Amazing what happens when he stays healthy and doesn’t have to play Florida. Make that 4 straight: Detroit (plus 1) wins in a slight upset.
Patriots at Raiders: The Boston Globe website had eight links on their Internet home page about Tom Brady’s haircut. There was only one story about a Massachusetts man who plotted to blow up the Pentagon and Capitol. Bad hair. Pats cover 4½
In dishonor of Nancy and DeAngelo, “Dancing With Myself” seems appropriate.
•
Progress report
Last week (slightly overcast): 7-4 straight up, 6-5 against the spread.
Bottom dollars (four weeks): 36-14 straight up, 33-16-1 against the spread.
“Sack Schultz” update: Ms. Linda Folsom of Cartersville was the local and national winner, going 15-0. Are these folks going 15-0 using a Ouija board or something? Yes, you CAN still enter and win big. Go to ajc.com/go/sack-schultz. Then I shall mock your selections.
By Jeff Schultz
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246 comments Add your comment
Rodster
September 30th, 2011
11:25 am
Funny stuff Jeff. Nice job as usual. The Petrino b*****-slap was hilarious. Best column in the AJC.
Mayo
September 30th, 2011
11:35 am
@ bamaguy: why would you CARE what Mark Richt’s record is against Florida? Sure, his achilles heel has been UF, but hey, he’ got a pretty good record against Nick Saban. Ouch
Bama Nation
September 30th, 2011
11:41 am
Thanks anyway, but we aren’t interested in trading Head Coaches.
ARdawg
September 30th, 2011
11:48 am
I thought the Michael Vick jab about holding up his paw was pretty funny too
bugsquacher
September 30th, 2011
12:00 pm
and it keeps getting more weird in athens….
1- a 2-2 coach with no relevant wins is now coaching the fans
2- more football players calling it quits
3- a very pathetic record of the past two years
4- cant beat florida most days or any other division 1a school with a winning record
5- students not attending games
will the madness ever end? (oh no, its getting better, just wait, says CMR)
I cant wait…. if it gets any better I want be able to stand it…….
Karl Marx Rove
September 30th, 2011
12:12 pm
Jeff writes for a socialist fishwrapper that is planning scathing attacks on NJ gubner C. Christie, so preliminary fat attacks can be expected, just to get you peeps used to the vitriole.
A so-called school that will live in infamy
September 30th, 2011
12:51 pm
It’s common knowledge and an unquestioned fact that UGA head football coach Mark Richt has brought shame on the state of Georgia and made an embarrassing laughingstock of the state’s largest university. Even the most avid UGA fans understand this even when they won’t acknowledge it, bless their hearts.
The most embarrassing thing is the win-at-any-price mentality of Richt, which has effectively made UGA a football factory, with cheating, recruiting of low-intelligence jerks who barely graduated from high school, and tolerating immoral and unethical activities by both players and coaches. Even with all this, he still can’t win.
Richt is a product of the lawless environments of the University of Miami and Florida State University, where he learned well how to conduct himself in the most tawdry way, while pretending to the world to be a saint. Make no mistake – Richt is in coaching purely for the millions of dollars that have been wasted on him, and the millions more he will add until someone in Athens has the integrity and intestinal fortitude to run him out of town.
A truly shameful situation, especially since all Georgians, including UGA alumni and fans, have to live under this shadow of infamy.
Mayo
September 30th, 2011
1:04 pm
Keep him.
Big Ten Champs Nebraska
September 30th, 2011
1:46 pm
Number of consecutive sell out streaks:
Nebraska – 315(and still counting)
UGA – 64(ended against Coastal Carolina)
Not Disappointed
September 30th, 2011
1:49 pm
The weather is Great for Football! Go Jackets and all the rest of the Ga Teams!
St. Richt
September 30th, 2011
1:54 pm
JB, some of us Tech fans realize where we stand in the instate “rivalry” currently. But by saying we couldn’t even beat a bad Georgia team the last few years, you insinuate that your team has been world beaters other than the last 2 years. The truth is you guys are always overrated until you crap your pants somewhere along the way, then you belittle Georgia Tech by saying its not a rivalry, beat us at the end of the year, and then pound your chest about it. You can’t have it both ways.
Big Ten Champs Nebraska
September 30th, 2011
2:02 pm
@ St Richt.
Excellent retort.
Dawg Tired
September 30th, 2011
2:18 pm
How ironic is it that Patrino would say something that stupid?
Dawg Tired
September 30th, 2011
2:34 pm
St. Richt – I agree with Big Eleven (or is it Big 12 now – I admittedly lose count) about your retort being a nice one. However, I also think there is something to his point about how many Tech fans come on to comment about articles that have zero to do with Tech. I can not imagine doing the same thing in connection with an article dealing only with a Tech matter. It just seems strange to me.
I do admit to liking the way CPJ has come in and turned Tech around. Actually, I like the way he does most things. At the same time. as a Dawg, I do not like Tech, but I’m not obsessed about it. I am able to admit when Tech does something good, whcih is something many folks on both sides of the rivalry seem incapable of. My view right now is that Tech’s football program is in better shape than UGA’s. Does that mean that Tech folks show class when they say things like “you guys are always overrated until you crap in your pants…? Answer: No.
Of course, I’m aware that we have our own share of classless folks also. However, saying stupid things about each other is pretty senseless, as well as completely classless. Of course, it is also a reflection of the lack of civility in society today. Nevertheless, I am always hopeful that being civil while disagreeing will make a comeback.
whatever
September 30th, 2011
2:42 pm
Latest twitt from Boykid – “I’s guarantees a Bulldog win this weakend (sic).”
1eyedJack
September 30th, 2011
2:57 pm
Wonder how Reggie Ball would have spelled that?
Handy Manny
September 30th, 2011
3:04 pm
Tech 45 Pack 20
Uga 24 State 23
Cocks 33 Auburn 21
Bama 20 Florida 13
VT 31 Clemson 28
A&M 45 Arkkansas 41
Lsu 42 Kentucky 10
Golden Tornado
September 30th, 2011
3:06 pm
I hope the featured Tyler Melton plays well tomorrow, but I’m still worried about the game. NC State has had nine days’ rest. They’re at home. They’re burning to erase their embarrassment at Cincinnati last week. And, they’ve got a fine passer in Glennon. Whew! That’s a lot for Tech to overcome.
GT Dude
September 30th, 2011
3:11 pm
Really down week for the video links
Tech is looking good, but I agree with Tornado, NCState has a lot of motivation and had extra time to enhance defense…
BUT GT covers the 9.5
RamboDog
September 30th, 2011
3:30 pm
PerimeterCenterJacket… Hope you are looking forward to another arse whooping in November…I love Thanksgiving weekends!
Oh, don’t worry about being obnoxious in 2012….there won’t be any reason to be.
Tech grads are punks…especially ones like YOU.
RamboDog
September 30th, 2011
3:32 pm
1eyedJack, Reggie could probably spell it, he just couldn’t count past 3.
We miss Reggie, best QB GT ever had.
T3
September 30th, 2011
3:38 pm
Dan Mullen > Mark Richt.
AFDawg
September 30th, 2011
4:10 pm
Big Ten Champs Nebraska, I’m unimpressed — I’ve been to Nebraska and there is nothing else to do there on a Saturday. Also, to say that the Coastal Carolina wasn’t a sell out is really a misnomer. All of the tcikets that were on sale were sold — there were 800 tcikets that the student body did not pick up. The way the lottery is run for student tickets at UGA is broken. My son is a freshman there, wanted tickets to all the games, but was only alloted a partial season package (which did not include the CC game). So, until you know the details, don’t go making criticisms of other programs — it really makes you look like a turd.
Atlanta Gator
September 30th, 2011
4:33 pm
“A young Tampa TV reporter asked Will Muschamp this week if he had ‘kind of a Master vs Padawan thing going on’ in his relationship with his mentor Nick Saban.”
Somebody missed the obvious Darth Saban joke inherent in the reporter’s question.
Atlanta Gator
September 30th, 2011
4:35 pm
“Dan Mullen > Mark Richt.”
True, but UGA talent >>> MSU talent, which should make the game interesting.
Big Ten Champs Nebraska
September 30th, 2011
5:02 pm
AFDawg
September 30th, 2011
4:10 pm
Big Ten Champs Nebraska, I’m unimpressed — I’ve been to Nebraska and there is nothing else to do there on a Saturday. Also, to say that the Coastal Carolina wasn’t a sell out is really a misnomer. All of the tcikets that were on sale were sold — there were 800 tcikets that the student body did not pick up. The way the lottery is run for student tickets at UGA is broken. My son is a freshman there, wanted tickets to all the games, but was only alloted a partial season package (which did not include the CC game). So, until you know the details, don’t go making criticisms of other programs — it really makes you look like a turd.
___________________________________________________________________________________
I agree, there is not much to do in Nebraska. The rest of your rhetoric is weak excuses……And an insult to somehow make your points valid…
Even if the game was allegedly sold out based upon your logic, there still is a HUGE discrepancy between 315 consecutive sell outs and 64. Further, none of the Nebraska students turn down the chance to go to a game. If there is a ticket for them, they take it. To blame the lottery system is weak. To call me a turd just illustrates the type of person you are.
dan
September 30th, 2011
5:57 pm
Falcons: This coaching staff deserves a D for getting this team prepared to play. The preseason was awful, and the O-Line is atrocious!!! One thing is clear, this is NOT a Super Bowl caliber team. However, I think the nucleus of this team is strong enough( Ryan, Roddy, Tony, Michael Turner etc.) to not let this season bottom out. I think these guys will come to play and will find ways to work around the O-Line issues. They’ll probably lose to the Packers, split a series with the Saints, Panthers and Bucs: and probably lose to a team like Houston. I say they’ll finish 10-6 or 9-7 with a shot at the Wild Card. We’ll see how this team is by week 8.
UGA: I think the Dawgs take care of business this week, not because of superior coaching but because I think UGA’s offense has more play makers as well as greater big play ability than MSU’s. Dan Mullen is a good coach, but I think his team overachieved a bit last year: beating a UGA team that was on a two game skid minus AJ Green as well as “upsetting” a Gator team that was in complete rebuild mode. Being at home should give the Dawgs some juice, and there is NO WAY Blair Walsh misses 4 field goals again. I say Dawgs 28-14.
Tech: Paul Johnson isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. His personality wouldn’t fit well at places like UGA or Auburn, who prefer a Southern Genteel as their head coach. But he’s a good fit for Tech and their fan-base. Their offense looks to be on back on track to where it was 2009. That game against Kansas was nasty. Then again, it was KANSAS. Even so, there is a lot to be said for teams that have the killer instinct to destroy teams they’re supposed to destroy: and Tech has does that. I give their coaching staff a B so far, only because they haven’t gotten into the meat of their schedule. Like the Falcons, week 8 will tell us what kind of team Tech truly has. But they’ll take care of business vs. NC State tomorrow.
True Falcon Fan
September 30th, 2011
8:08 pm
GO TECH, anytime! As for the Falcons – the coachs better have a plan in place, this game coming Sunday afternoon could be very embrassing if Smitty doesn’t have these “OUT OF SHAPE” birds ready!!!!!!!!!!!!
GO FALCONS
Matt "CHOKE" Ryan
September 30th, 2011
8:32 pm
Does anyone think CHOKE will get a playoff win in a Falcons uniform
Matt "CHOKE" Ryan
September 30th, 2011
8:35 pm
Did anyone know it has been 15 years since the falcons have won a playoff game other than Vicky?
True Falcon Fan
September 30th, 2011
9:42 pm
Please someone tell me from this blog today, tonight, who caresless about MV7 —- Hey 8:35 pm good night “NOBODY CARES ABOUT MV7″ ……. 8:35 pm “You are A MORON”!!!!!!
Go Falcons — we Have MR2 “NOW” enough said!!!!!!!!
True Falcon Fan
September 30th, 2011
9:48 pm
If you must reply – at least reply withn some inteligence,, PLEASE
MV7 — he is done, Buddy!
MR2 — is the our QB — whether you want him or him or not he is the QB of the Atlanta Falcons —- You want to complain and express your ignorance have at it “SMUCK”!
I’ve got the Mexican GasOLine working tonight ComOnMan!
“SMUooCK”
True Falcon Fan
September 30th, 2011
9:53 pm
JS — you right —-I will clean it up!!!!
True Falcon Fan
September 30th, 2011
9:54 pm
MCR —- R U There?
True Falcon Fan
September 30th, 2011
9:56 pm
i am waiting —— hey MORON —– comOn with it
True Falcon Fan
September 30th, 2011
9:58 pm
i can hear your little iiittes bitesy fingers hitting the keys, comOn Man give us your best rendision of ignorance
SatillaDawg
September 30th, 2011
10:23 pm
Contrary to what was reported on last week’s regional television broadcast of the UGA vs Ole Miss game, Herschel Walker WAS NOT “the University of Georgia’s first and only Heisman Trophy winner.”
Frank Sinkwich, UGA senior running back, won the Heisman Trophy in 1942.
The two guys announcing the game didn’t even challenge the error!
Go Dawgs! Beat Mississippi State!
5150 UOAD
September 30th, 2011
11:18 pm
Reggie Ball says UGA sucks and He still beat Auburn the 2 times he faces them. How many UGA QB’s can sat they are .1000 against Auburn? No UGA QB in recent memory.
Pollyanna
October 1st, 2011
1:50 am
Jeff Schultz, how about becoming the UGA Beat Writer ? Our guy now, who was FIRED earlier, does a TV interview and wears a T-Shirt with AJ-C Sports on it; he doesn’t even know to wear a tie. All he does is copy the stories that day of every other writer on the Internet, and he cannot even get the gist of the stories he steals from others.
Thomas Brown
October 1st, 2011
1:52 am
Chipper Towers, what a joke of an UGA beat-writer.
Dawg One
October 1st, 2011
10:01 am
You heard it here first: Grantham is out and Van Gorder is coming back to Athens!
Matt "CHOKE" Ryan
October 1st, 2011
11:30 am
28 Years old and NO PLAYOFF WINS………….
But hey CHOKE is still young
RealityKing
October 1st, 2011
12:15 pm
ernest t. *ss,
You left out LOSING TO FLA EVERY YEAR!
I HOPE RICHT STAYS AT UGG FOREVER. LOSING HIM WOULD BE LIKE LOSING RAY GOFF.
Schultz is a hack
October 1st, 2011
5:27 pm
Dawg One, you’re an idiot. Schultz still writing without any class or talent. CTG is the reason why UGA won the game today.
Jeff hates Clemson
October 1st, 2011
11:24 pm
Jeff,
Have you removed your tête from your derriere?
You might need to lay off the SEC love juice because it blinds you to hate on a school that is less than 150 miles from downtown Atlanta.
Clemson has max three team that could prove some struggle (UNC, GT and USC). That is it. Unless they lose by not showing up to an inferior team, the Clemson Tigers are a Top Ten team.. unlike your SEC darlings – USC-Spurrier.
Hy Ronatt
October 2nd, 2011
12:28 am
“So why is UGA paying Mark Richt almost four million dollars a year?”
Because 4 million inbred mouthbreathers sent in a dollar each?