Falcons, Dogs, Jackets dance better than Nancy Graceless

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It has been a difficult week, and I’m not just talking about the Braves’ exit or the fact that Nancy Graceless apparently had some sort of wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Mutants, which brought the world to a standstill, wiped out half the planet’s vegetation and destroyed the good and the innocence that exists inside all of us.

But the really difficult week has been in Flowery Branch, where everybody has been looking at game film and coming to the realization: “Wow. We really stink. Has Nancy ever played left tackle? Because really, she can’t be any worse than Sam Baker, although he might look better in sequins.”

Could Nancy at left tackle be an improvement?

Could Nancy at left tackle be an improvement?

The Falcons are 1-2 so, yeah, they’ve still got 13 games left. But they’ve got problems. When the quarterback seems to call plays better than the offensive coordinator, and too many guys on defense still look at each other with that Scooby Doo, rut-roh gaze in their eyeballs, and linemen aren’t even stopping pass-rushers long enough to collect a 50-cent toll … well, I’m thinking: Last Tango in Playoffs.

Ryan has been sacked 13 times. He has been hit 479 times, I think. He probably has been hit as much as Michael Vick, the only difference being that Ryan isn’t looking to press charges while holding up his paw like some wounded puppy. (Dog analogy was completely accidental. Sorta.)

This week, it’s Seattle. This game would’ve been more fun if Jim Mora were still coaching the Seahawks. But alas, he has been committed.

The Falcons are 0-2 on the road. They have scored one offensive touchdown in eight quarters on the road. Confidence: not oozing. But the line is 4½, and I’m willing to dance. Assuming limited malfunctions: Falcons win and cover.

School Daze

Other Bulldogs at Trembling Chihuahuas: Georgia is 2-0 since the season ended. One juicy subplot: Mississippi State rang the Mark Richt Job Alarm last season with an upset in Starkville, the Dogs’ first loss to MSU in 36 years. On a related note, Dan Mullen is interviewing realtors at halftime. Wait, who said that? Dogs cover 7.

Georgia Tech at N.C. State: The Jackets are 4-0 for the first time since their 1990 national title season. They’ve averaged over 600 yards and 53 points per game and next plan to conquer Eastern Europe. OK, so they’ve beaten a few Lichtenstein’s. But that doesn’t explain how a triple-option coach like Paul Johnson is getting higher marks for his passing attack than the Falcons? Tech covers 9½.

Here's Charlie Weis.

Here's Charlie Weis. And . . .

Alabama at Florida: A young Tampa TV reporter asked Will Muschamp this week if he had “kind of a Master vs Padawan thing going on” in his relationship with his mentor Nick Saban. Muschamp looked at her like she was from Neptune. The rest of the media just figured she had been separated from her middle school group at Dragon*Con. Actually, I’ve got no problem with Star Wars analogies. But stick with the basics: like Charlie Weis and Jabba The Hutt, separated at birth. Tide cover 4.

Arkansas vs. Texas A&M: In a moment of sheer irony that only Bobby Petrino could provide, Beelzebub responded to a question about

And here's Jabba The Hutt. Wait a minute.

Here's Jabba The Hutt. Wait a minute.

SEC expansion this way: “Why don’t we do all this stuff after the football season?” Gee, I dunno. Maybe Texas A&M just couldn’t wait two more games and preferred lying to their bosses and sneaking out of town for a midnight news conference in Pigville. Oh no, wait. That was you. Aggies cover 3.

Auburn at South Carolina: Cam Newton had 11 touchdowns in two games against the Gamecocks last season. Steve Spurrier’s return this season can be tied directly to the NFL draft. Carolina wins, but take Auburn and 10.

Clemson at Virginia Tech: Dabo Swinney has beaten ranked teams (Auburn, Florida State) two straight weeks. Maybe I misjudged him. Naaaaw. Hokies cover 7.

For his comments, Bobby Petrino deserves the, “Fish Slapping Dance.”

NFL Value Meals

(Add fries and a DeAngelo Hall alibi for 99 cents)

Maybe this is D-Hall's career philosophy.

Maybe this is D-Hall's career philosophy.

49ers at Eagles: Michael Vick is complaining that he gets hit too much. I thought prison was supposed to toughen you up? Philly wins, but take San Fran and 9.

Redskins at Rams: DeAngelo Hall followed bogus threats of hitting Tony Romo in the ribs by not getting near Romo and whiffing several times on wide receiver Dez Bryant, unless you count when he grabbed Bryant’s face mask after allowing a 30-yard reception on third-and-21 to set up the Cowboys’ winning field goal. How many ways can you spell “punk”? Rams win a pick ‘em.

Lions at Cowboys: Matthew Stafford: 9 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, 977 yards and 3-0 after three games. Amazing what happens when he stays healthy and doesn’t have to play Florida. Make that 4 straight: Detroit (plus 1) wins in a slight upset.

Patriots at Raiders: The Boston Globe website had eight links on their Internet home page about Tom Brady’s haircut. There was only one story about a Massachusetts man who plotted to blow up the Pentagon and Capitol. Bad hair. Pats cover 4½

In dishonor of Nancy and DeAngelo, “Dancing With Myself” seems appropriate.

Progress report

money

Last week (slightly overcast): 7-4 straight up, 6-5 against the spread.

Bottom dollars (four weeks): 36-14 straight up, 33-16-1 against the spread.

“Sack Schultz” update: Ms. Linda Folsom of Cartersville was the local and national winner, going 15-0. Are these folks going 15-0 using a Ouija board or something? Yes, you CAN still enter and win big. Go to ajc.com/go/sack-schultz. Then I shall mock your selections.

By Jeff Schultz

• Want to catch up on past Weekend Predictions? Click here.

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC; friend me at Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

246 comments Add your comment

cable guy

September 29th, 2011
4:57 pm

Fisrt!!!! WHO F N CARES?

cable guy

September 29th, 2011
4:59 pm

Although, truth be told, it’s my first first and i was so excited i couldn’t even spell it correctly.

This sounds awfully similar to....

September 29th, 2011
5:01 pm

Cable guy, thanks for getting that out of the way

Schultzy you were a little late with this guy today, what happened?!

screwball

September 29th, 2011
5:03 pm

The braves have choked so bad that they have been mathematically eliminated from next year’s post-season play too.

now that’s a choke, boy

tonyb

September 29th, 2011
5:05 pm

Starting to really enjoy weekend predictions just for the great music.

Ernest T. Bass

September 29th, 2011
5:08 pm

Go Braves ……

and take Georgia Tech with you.

Chopper

September 29th, 2011
5:11 pm

Which Dogs are you referring to, Jeffrey?

gtne80

September 29th, 2011
5:12 pm

Ok, so last week I said take UNC and the points. You gave the spread at 6 1/2, but the spread was 7, so I’m claiming a push. I also said that the Dawgs would cover, so I figure I was 1-0. Debate it if you wish.

I’m going with the same combo. Take NCState and the 10 (the spread is 10, Jeffe’). Dawgs cover the 7. Missy State is overrated. Their claim to fame was almost beating Auburn, which proved not to be such a big deal.

Bonus pick – VT brings the Fighting Dabo’s back to earth…although it would happen to be one of the few times that I’d actually like for Clempson to win.

This sounds awfully similar to....

September 29th, 2011
5:12 pm

whoa whoa whoa Bass – shouldn’t you be saying “Go Braves….and take all of the .500 and below teams with you (i.e. Falcons and Dawgs)”

sidslid

September 29th, 2011
5:14 pm

What are the chances a year from now Larry Drew is the longest tenured pro coach in town? Scenarios:
Lockout cancels season so Drew doesn’t get fired until next November
Falcons at 5-11
Braves finish next season with 90 losses and de ja voux all over again, Chris Medlin pitching the last of the ninth because Kimbrell does a post-Leyritz Wohlers meltdown.
Hockey team moves to town the size of Dawsonville (done)

How bout them dawgs?

September 29th, 2011
5:18 pm

p*ss on em!!!

Howard

September 29th, 2011
5:23 pm

Jeff…great column as usual but looking back on your Nancy Grace and DWS comments…here’s an idea for you…pick the football coaches you’d like to see on “Dancing…” Come on, if Chaz Bono and Nancy Grace can be chosen, could tapping maybe say… Phil Fulmer, Ralph Friedgen or Charley Weis be any worse?? I’d watch every second to see those guys and whoever else dance…of course a wardrobe malfunction on something Fulmer or Weis would wear would be a bit much.

cable guy

September 29th, 2011
5:24 pm

Linda Folsom’s Boyfriend/Husband must be skulking in shame….

Instant Dawgma

September 29th, 2011
5:30 pm

I will not watch any more baseball until the Braves get consistent hitters to fill the lineup. And they might as well get some new starters unless they can throw Hudson out every day.
Don’t start Jurjeinns or Hanson until next September. Maybe then they will stay healthy till the end of the season. Go Milwaukee! To hell with the Phillies and Cardinals!

Weigela

September 29th, 2011
5:30 pm

A few comments: about UGA football:

1. Four different SEC teams have won the last five BCS championships.

2. UGA was not one of those teams.

3. During that period, UGA did not win the SEC championship.

4. During that period, UGA did not even win its SEC division.

5. Red panties.

In other words, UGA has sunk into total irrelevancy both regionally and nationally.

So why is UGA paying Mark Richt almost four million dollars a year?

Weaseal

September 29th, 2011
5:31 pm

I was 15 & O as well but the sorry Br
aves & Falcons ruined my week time to turn this Falcon season around big win
coming look for the Dirty Birds to roll !!!!

Instant Dawgma

September 29th, 2011
5:32 pm

And WTF was Kimbrell throwing last night, that never hit the strike zone on his walks? Just throw the freaking fastball!

Horsehockey

September 29th, 2011
5:33 pm

Jeff’s columns are about the only fun thing left in Atlanta sports. Good stuff.

Instant Dawgma

September 29th, 2011
5:33 pm

@Jeff, Coach Van Gorder is gonna lose the 70’s porn mustache to motivate these guys!

Caroline

September 29th, 2011
5:34 pm

Schultz would give his firstborn child to be one tenth as popular as Nancy Grace.

Aragorn

September 29th, 2011
5:38 pm

Big beatdown coming: Ms St 31, UGA 17

A fun game to watch as Richt’s goons go down in flames again.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

September 29th, 2011
5:38 pm

Good Stuff JS- can you imagine if Nancy Grace & Chaz Bono were dancing together, may have to gouge out my eyeballs with a hot spoon.
Back to football- sick & tired of seeing Matt Ryan on his butt, O-line needs to get their stuff together asap or Ryan won’t last the whole season. Rooting for Detroit over Dallas & a UGA win!!!

Using the word "flotsam"

September 29th, 2011
5:43 pm

Didn’t you pick the Falcons on the road last week?

cable guy

September 29th, 2011
5:47 pm

Charlie Manuel will be wishing he had his pitchers give Chipper a gopher ball in extras last night, right after the plucky St. Louis Cards knock them out of the post season…

@Dawgma

September 29th, 2011
5:49 pm

In order to get the majors, all hitters hit fastballs. Kimbrel needed to spot the breaking stuff better. You saw what happened when Cole tried to get the #1 past Uggla. It’s the same all over…

Dabo pwns you

September 29th, 2011
6:01 pm

Thanks for pickin against Clemson again. It’s working, we keep winning!

Paul in NH (formerly RDU)

September 29th, 2011
6:08 pm

gtne80

September 29th, 2011
5:12 pm
Ok, so last week I said take UNC and the points. You gave the spread at 6 1/2, but the spread was 7, so I’m claiming a push
——-
I wouldn’t advise claiming a push on a bet like this with any of Whitey Bulger’s buddies.

Ernest T. Bass

September 29th, 2011
6:16 pm

So why is UGA paying Mark Richt almost four million dollars a year?

To beat Auburn 6 out of 10 and Tech 9 out of 10

JB

September 29th, 2011
6:17 pm

Did Vegas See the Dawgs play Ole Miss….And although they kinda stumped a toe last week, did they watch State go toe to toe with LSU for 3 quarters.

bamaguy

September 29th, 2011
6:18 pm

And how many times has Richt beat Florida?

bamaguy

September 29th, 2011
6:22 pm

Until somebody scores more than 14 points on the TIde I am not sure anyone can beat us. The LSU/Alabama game is starting to look like the National Championship Semi-finals.

Wet Willie...keep on smiling

September 29th, 2011
6:25 pm

Nancy is a load. Man I would love to see the look on Sonny’s face if he returned to see Daddy’s little girl with a pecker!

Southern Man

September 29th, 2011
6:31 pm

Ernest T,

Really??? To beat an ACC school? Your name is fitting given your intelligence…

david

September 29th, 2011
6:37 pm

hes beat fla twice– this will be #3 this year–also beat bama a couple times i think– maybe just once?

gooberdog

September 29th, 2011
6:41 pm

who eats the most donuts? Nancy Grace or Charlie Weiss? Geez

AFDawg

September 29th, 2011
6:52 pm

Schultz, Do you just have total and complete contempt for the Dawgs and Mark Richt now? Will it be this way forever? Come on man — you write for the biggest newspaper in the state. Act like a responsible sportswriter please and let them play the game. And remember, that’s all it is — a game. The way you approach your profession reminds me of a used car salesman or a door to door insurance salesman. Now that I think about it. you would probably be good in both of those professions.

NO CLASS

September 29th, 2011
6:52 pm

the only classless wonder worse than “Pack up in the middle of the night” Petrino is Brian Kelly at Notre Shame. Cincinnati kids played their hearts out for that man to go undefeated and he couldn’t wait until after the Sugar Bowl before cashing in on the teams’ success and haul backside to Freezehole Notre Shame. Reporters waiting outside the team’s banquet door to ask the Cincinnati players how they felt who didn’t ever know he was gone. Both Petrino and Kelly telling their players, “I’m with you til the end” shameful no character morons…just like Nick Saban shaking hands with the Miami Dolphin owner and having a plane waiting on him at the airport with the generator running. THEIR DAYS ARE COMING

Rmyklo

September 29th, 2011
6:53 pm

Jeff, Love your predictions. What are the odds that the Braves will overtake the Phillies in 2011? You wrote a detailed column explaining why they had a shot, but you never said what the actual odds were.

Tech Tony

September 29th, 2011
7:07 pm

It;s been a horrid week for the home teams, a trend that might in large part continue.

I’ll take NC State plus the 10 (buy it up if you have to). Forget the teams involved; you can make a living going against the Top 25 on the road.

I lean towards Missy state and the TD—I don’t know if there’ll be enough points for UGA to cover the 7. Dawgs by a Blair Walsh FG.

Finally, I think the Falcons will salvage some civic pride.

UGA 42 - FLA 30 . . . October 27, 2007

September 29th, 2011
7:10 pm

Matthew Stafford & UGA beat Florida 4 years ago.
In the first quarter, the entire team rushed to the end zone, jumping up and down celebrating wildly.

ARdawg

September 29th, 2011
7:23 pm

Richt has beat Bama 3 times, lost once

Beast from the East

September 29th, 2011
7:23 pm

“Matthew Stafford & UGA beat Florida 4 years ago.
In the first quarter, the entire team rushed to the end zone, jumping up and down celebrating wildly.”

Yep. And it’s been all downhill since that day. How’s that working out for ya?

ARdawg

September 29th, 2011
7:25 pm

I think Weis has eaten a few Nancy Graces

Beast from the East

September 29th, 2011
7:27 pm

I’ve got the Dawgs in a close one.
Tech covers.
Clemson comes back to Earth.
Darth Visor’s boys get it done.
The newest member of the SEC takes out the Midnight Runner.
And the Gators roll over the Tide……I hope!

Beast from the East

September 29th, 2011
7:28 pm

ARdawg,
That vision is enough to make someone ill. LOL!

GIVE ME A BREAK

September 29th, 2011
7:30 pm

Jeff, your comment about Stafford and Florida was too funny. Good job. Tech puts 56 on NCST.

Leon "Pooch-Kick" Trotsky

September 29th, 2011
7:30 pm

Nancy Grace is built like a busted bale of hay.

JDawg1785

September 29th, 2011
7:38 pm

Great post, Jeff! I don’t know which one I liked more, Charlie the Hut or your classic rip on Petrino. Keep ‘em coming!

Tman

September 29th, 2011
7:41 pm

“Mississippi State rang the Mark Richt Job Alarm last season…”
No. Kentucky did that the season before.

GIVE ME A BREAK

September 29th, 2011
7:43 pm

How long will the fans support what is happening in Athens?