Before more solid-gold projections — and after going 12-0 last week and 10-2 against the spread, I believe you owe me a bow, if not a Pop-Tart — this week’s big news comes from the University of Haifa (which by the way shows no signs of joining the University of Baghdad, Teheran Tech and Kabul State in major global realignment).
Actual factual: Scientists have determined that marijuana blocks the development of post-traumatic stress disorder. They reached this conclusion by somehow stressing out laboratory rats and then, I guess, had them pass around a really small bong. Dr. Irit Akiray said that marijuana “did not erase the experience of the trauma, but it prevented the development of post-trauma symptoms in the rat model.”
The only problems that developed during the experiments were rats kept escaping the lab to run to Quik Trip for three microwave burritos, 12 bags of Doritos, nine Snickers and a Big Gulp, and the next day Fred from research screamed, “You gave my pot to rats?!?”
Dude. This so leads me to the Georgia-Mississippi game: The Post Traumatic Stress Bowl.
Mark Richt should enjoy this game. It might be the only time this season he is opposed by a coach with less job security. Houston Nutt lost to Vanderbilt 30-7. In most conferences, that’s considered a felony, even the Big East, and they hardly have anybody left since the last time the ACC went shopping.
Georgia is favored by 9½. I’m not oozing with confidence, but I can’t in good conscience side with a team that was waxed by Vandy. Dogs cover.
Georgia fans, if they lose this game …
Regardless, Athens “is a fine college town,” says Mike Mills (circa 1983, David Letterman Show)
(Where Knowledge is Good)
North Carolina at Tech: The Jackets had the benefit of starting the season against Moe, Larry and Curly (Western Carolina, Middle Tennessee State, Kansas), but it says something when a team can score 63, 49 and 66 points and never laugh, especially when the Kansas quarterback inadvertently drops the TNT powder in the pancake mix (oh, that Curly). Fewer ha-has this week, but Tech covers 6½.
Arkansas at Alabama: Bobby Petrino is 0-3 against Nick Saban, and his team just allowed Troy 457 yards. Pigface goes down. Hard. Tide covers 11½.
LSU at West Virginia: Dana Holgorsen is 3-0 since reportedly being dragged out of a West Virginia casino drunk. Or something like that. I get confused with all the non-denial denials. Besides, it’s not like that’s a state record. Tigers cover 5½.
Florida State at Clemson: Happens every year. Everybody starts to think Clemson is good and suddenly an anvil drops on Dabo Swinney’s head. Oh, look: FSU and Virginia Tech in back-to-back weeks. Don’t look up. Seminoles win (but take the gift 2½).
Georgia State at Houston: The Panthers play their first 1-A opponent since losing at Alabama 63-7. Time to collect the check and brace for impact. Found an unofficial line: 45 points. Mmmm. Candy. Cougars win, but take the Panthers and lollipop.
Global Thermal Nuclear War
Falcons at Bucs: It’s the Falcons against the Michael they really need back – Koenen, not Vick — because I swear if Matt Bosher shanks one more punt like Pee-wee Herman after a double-shot of Nyquil, the next words out of his mouth are going to be, “Thank you, drive forward to the second window.” Birds win (but take the 1½).
Giants at Eagles: Vick has legit injuries. The Giants just fake them. They were trying to slow the Rams’ offense, so Deon Grant suddenly went down like he was shot. Fortunately, this game is in Philly, so he won’t have to fake being shot. (Here come the emails.) Eagles win, but take the Giants and 7.
Patriots at Bills: You say Chan Gailey/Ryan Fitzpatrick. I say, Bill Walsh/Joe Montana. The Bills are 2-0, and Fitzpatrick has seven touchdown passes. I figure this is a good time for me to walk up to Sofia Vergara and say, “Hi, I’m a sportswriter. You want some of this?” Patriots cover 9.
Cowboys and Indians: DeAngelo Hall says he may target Tony Romo (cracked rib, punctured lung). But I figure unless Romo tapes $100 bills to his chest, Hall won’t go near him. Dallas covers 5½.
Packers at Bears: Drew Brees and Cam Newton threw for a combined 851 yards against the Packers. Are they filming “Dawn of the Dead” in the secondary? Sick Bay covers 3½.
Deon Grant, off-Broadway . . .
But it still can’t touch the greatest fake ever . . .
Last week (you will bow to me): 12-0 straight up, 10-2 against the spread.
Bottom dollars (three weeks): 23-6 straight up, 21-7-1 against the spread.
“Sack Schultz” update: The weekly winners were John Hatcher of Dawsonville (local) and Harold Moses of Brentwood, Tenn. (national). Both went 15-0 and won the Oklahoma-FSU tiebreaker. I went 13-2 and continue to plot my overthrow (I’m in 246th place and rising.) Join the fun and enter at ajc.com/go/sack-schultz.
By Jeff Schultz