Weekend Predictions: Richt over Nutt in the Stress Bowl

This week's tribute is to R.E.M. It's the end of the world as they know it.

This week's tribute is to R.E.M. It's the end of the world as they know it. (But they feel fine.)

Before more solid-gold projections — and after going 12-0 last week and 10-2 against the spread, I believe you owe me a bow, if not a Pop-Tart — this week’s big news comes from the University of Haifa (which by the way shows no signs of joining the University of Baghdad, Teheran Tech and Kabul State in major global realignment).

Actual factual: Scientists have determined that marijuana blocks the development of post-traumatic stress disorder. They reached this conclusion by somehow stressing out laboratory rats and then, I guess, had them pass around a really small bong. Dr. Irit Akiray said that marijuana “did not erase the experience of the trauma, but it prevented the development of post-trauma symptoms in the rat model.”

Loser of the Post Traumatic Stress Bowl gets a chocolate cake.

Loser of the Post Traumatic Stress Bowl gets a chocolate cake!

The only problems that developed during the experiments were rats kept escaping the lab to run to Quik Trip for three microwave burritos, 12 bags of Doritos, nine Snickers and a Big Gulp, and the next day Fred from research screamed, “You gave my pot to rats?!?”

Dude. This so leads me to the Georgia-Mississippi game: The Post Traumatic Stress Bowl.

Mark Richt should enjoy this game. It might be the only time this season he is opposed by a coach with less job security. Houston Nutt lost to Vanderbilt 30-7. In most conferences, that’s considered a felony, even the Big East, and they hardly have anybody left since the last time the ACC went shopping.

Georgia is favored by 9½. I’m not oozing with confidence, but I can’t in good conscience side with a team that was waxed by Vandy. Dogs cover.

Georgia fans, if they lose this game …

Regardless, Athens “is a fine college town,” says Mike Mills (circa 1983, David Letterman Show)

Faber College

(Where Knowledge is Good)

Georgia Tech's first three opponents got together for a photo op.

Jackets' first three opponents got together for a photo op.

North Carolina at Tech: The Jackets had the benefit of starting the season against Moe, Larry and Curly (Western Carolina, Middle Tennessee State, Kansas), but it says something when a team can score 63, 49 and 66 points and never laugh, especially when the Kansas quarterback inadvertently drops the TNT powder in the pancake mix (oh, that Curly). Fewer ha-has this week, but Tech covers 6½.

Arkansas at Alabama: Bobby Petrino is 0-3 against Nick Saban, and his team just allowed Troy 457 yards. Pigface goes down. Hard. Tide covers 11½.

LSU at West Virginia: Dana Holgorsen is 3-0 since reportedly being dragged out of a West Virginia casino drunk. Or something like that. I get confused with all the non-denial denials. Besides, it’s not like that’s a state record. Tigers cover 5½.

Florida State at Clemson: Happens every year. Everybody starts to think Clemson is good and suddenly an anvil drops on Dabo Swinney’s head. Oh, look: FSU and Virginia Tech in back-to-back weeks. Don’t look up. Seminoles win (but take the gift 2½).

Georgia State at Houston: The Panthers play their first 1-A opponent since losing at Alabama 63-7. Time to collect the check and brace for impact. Found an unofficial line: 45 points. Mmmm. Candy. Cougars win, but take the Panthers and lollipop.

Global Thermal Nuclear War

I figure if Chan Gailey and Ryan Fitzpatrick can be 2-0 ...

If Chan Gailey and Ryan Fitzpatrick can be 2-0 ...

Falcons at Bucs: It’s the Falcons against the Michael they really need back – Koenen, not Vick — because I swear if Matt Bosher shanks one more punt like Pee-wee Herman after a double-shot of Nyquil, the next words out of his mouth are going to be, “Thank you, drive forward to the second window.” Birds win (but take the 1½).

Giants at Eagles: Vick has legit injuries. The Giants just fake them. They were trying to slow the Rams’ offense, so Deon Grant suddenly went down like he was shot. Fortunately, this game is in Philly, so he won’t have to fake being shot. (Here come the emails.) Eagles win, but take the Giants and 7.

Patriots at Bills: You say Chan Gailey/Ryan Fitzpatrick. I say, Bill Walsh/Joe Montana. The Bills are 2-0, and Fitzpatrick has seven touchdown passes. I figure this is a good time for me to walk up to Sofia Vergara and say, “Hi, I’m a sportswriter. You want some of this?” Patriots cover 9.

Cowboys and Indians: DeAngelo Hall says he may target Tony Romo (cracked rib, punctured lung). But I figure unless Romo tapes $100 bills to his chest, Hall won’t go near him. Dallas covers 5½.

Packers at Bears: Drew Brees and Cam Newton threw for a combined 851 yards against the Packers. Are they filming “Dawn of the Dead” in the secondary? Sick Bay covers 3½.

Deon Grant, off-Broadway . . .

But it still can’t touch the greatest fake ever . . .

Progress report

Last week (you will bow to me): 12-0 straight up, 10-2 against the spread.

Bottom dollars (three weeks): 23-6 straight up, 21-7-1 against the spread.

“Sack Schultz” update: The weekly winners were John Hatcher of Dawsonville (local) and Harold Moses of Brentwood, Tenn. (national). Both went 15-0 and won the Oklahoma-FSU tiebreaker. I went 13-2 and continue to plot my overthrow (I’m in 246th place and rising.) Join the fun and enter at ajc.com/go/sack-schultz.

By Jeff Schultz

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC; friend me at Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

215 comments Add your comment

m-dub

September 22nd, 2011
4:09 pm

Bubba Gump

September 22nd, 2011
4:11 pm

DILLIGAF

September 22nd, 2011
4:11 pm

10th!!

Jeff, I look forward to your Weekend Predictions for a good laugh!

“Thank you, drive forward to the second window.” Haha…

That’s funny stuff. I think you missed your true calling.

Passthebong

September 22nd, 2011
4:11 pm

Dude, like where did you come up with that narly story about the rats and the……..pot?? I wanna party with those rats!

BeeBoppa LuLu

September 22nd, 2011
4:16 pm

Jeff – what in the world has happened to Houston Nutt? I really thought hwe would turned those Rebels into a decent 6 and 6 team. The torch has passed to Starkesville.

5150 UOAD

September 22nd, 2011
4:17 pm

Damn about time!

5150 UOAD

September 22nd, 2011
4:18 pm

wow I an the same # as Murray’s wins in the last 2 years.

Ted M

September 22nd, 2011
4:20 pm

“Hi, I’m a sportswriter. You want some of this?” LOL…are you in trouble when you go home tonight?

GT Dude

September 22nd, 2011
4:28 pm

I hate soccer (futbol) but that is one of the funniest videos I have ever seen…

Reminds me of when the late Len Bias of Maryland once pulled a Tech player into him looking for a charge call, he did get the call, but they kept replaying it showing how he grabed the Jacket’s jersey and pull him

Oh and BTW – It should be close, but take the jacket to cover

Stinger2

September 22nd, 2011
4:28 pm

Schultz: You really have an easy week here. You should not
miss any game. I am hoping you can use this cream puff week to up your yearly record. Cannot agree with your comment about CMR job security. Regardless of what the fans want and say, he will be at UGA as long as he wants.

Beast from the East

September 22nd, 2011
4:36 pm

Jeff,
Any thoughts on the Gators up in Lexington? My buddy DawginLex has been saying that Joker brings an end to the 24 year streak. I say it’s just wishful thinking on his part.

heartofdarkness

September 22nd, 2011
4:37 pm

It’s good to read the thoughts of someone who actually followed the plot of a “Three Stooges” movie.

Gator Bob

September 22nd, 2011
4:51 pm

Really hoping Richt stays in Athens – the Gator nation loves him!

Should rebound nicely against Ole Miss.
Will be interesting to see what UGA has against MS ST., TN then Vandy.

I have to admit – UGA played lights out against South Carolina – but kept giving the game away!

Oh well – that’s football!

Herschel Talker

September 22nd, 2011
4:54 pm

Schultzie:

Here’s my prediction – Braves’ fans get donkeypunched when Fredi doesn’t get canned for choking.

FIRE FREDI GONZALEZ!!!

FIRE MARK RICHT!!!!

HT

JoeV

September 22nd, 2011
4:57 pm

Jeff…

Did you even analyze the game or just pick based off the past? If you picked b/c of the past, you might want to consider that the last time FSU won in Death Valley was 2001. If you actually analyzed the game, you might want to consider Free Shoes U is going to be missing their starting QB as well as 4 of his starting WR’s.

Good job buddy.

Howard

September 22nd, 2011
5:02 pm

Jeff…come on now…give the Stooges more credit…that episode from which that still was made was filmed with a real college football team (can’t remember the name) serving as extras. In one scene the director told the Stooges they had to be piled on by the footballers…well, Moe said “No way, use the stunt doubles.” The director used the doubles and in the ensuing scene after the football players unpiled off them, two had suffered broken legs. A better example to use that Stooges srtill shot would have been to represent the commissioners of the Big-12, the Big East and the ACC. None of those guys know which direction the football is going to travel. Hey, any chance Houston Nutt will import an ex-con for this week’s Georgia game to help out??

RAMBLE ON!!!

September 22nd, 2011
5:07 pm

What, couldn’t find anything to smear a conservative with this week Jeff?

Your link to the Daily Kos must be down.

Falcon 228

September 22nd, 2011
5:08 pm

What’s the line and prediction for Stony Brook?

PigIron

September 22nd, 2011
5:15 pm

RAMBLE ON!!! Says

That His Feelings Are Ailin’

Cause Jeff Poked Fun

At His Girlfriend Palin

Burma Shave

Scooter McFadden

September 22nd, 2011
5:16 pm

SSIgator

September 22nd, 2011
5:17 pm

“Mark Richt should enjoy this game”

Are you sure? Isn’t Booboo still running the offense? Isn’t Murray the Midget still the quarterback? If Richt were smart he would pack an extra box of Midol for this road game.

Gator Bob

September 22nd, 2011
5:19 pm

Beast from the East – Kentucky is in bad shape – maybe not as bad as Ole Miss – but KY lost several incredible playmakers last year – and is taking a huge step back. They looked bad against Louisville. Gators will romp and predicting undefeated in SEC East.

Here are some preditions on some of the SEC teams:

Kentucky – maybe the bottom of the SEC East this year – best chance to win an SEC game will be against Ole Miss. That’s about it.

Vandy – cranked on Ole Miss – other potentail SEC victories are KY, UGA and TN. UGA and TN not so much – but the potential is there. South Carolina should beat them by the 4Q.

UGA will lose a couple of more conference games minimum. Should beat Ole Miss – but as a betting man – I am staying away from MS STATE, TN Vandy and Auburn. UGA could win all of these games – but I just do not believe in them – they will have some excuse like no OL – or injuries – and find a way to lose games. Nothing for a Gator fan to fear with UGA.

Tennessee has some work to do – could and probably will beat UGA at home in Knoxville.
but still has to play LSU, BAMA, ARK and SC. And who knows about Vandy.

South Carolina – should take care of TN, Auburna and Vandy – toughest games left are Florida, ARK and MS STATE.

Florida Vs BAMA/LSU in ATL BABY!

Richt will get one more year due to $6Million dollar buy out.

BigHittas

September 22nd, 2011
5:21 pm

nice work Shultzie!

Wow man, I’m thinking you may suffer from reefer madness.

Like your picks, but you let Me-angelo off too easy.

Old Tech fan in NC

September 22nd, 2011
5:26 pm

Hope my tarhole fishing buddy is feeling bad Sunday. Also, Cam wins his first against Jax again throwing 400+.

SSIgator

September 22nd, 2011
5:27 pm

Jeff -

Thought you might have mentioned the Braves, if only in passing. Are they related to UGA football in some way? Both seem to be able to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at any time.

JJ

September 22nd, 2011
5:28 pm

Ole Miss not Old Miss, you douche. Proud alum and Atlanta native

Jeff Schultz

September 22nd, 2011
5:32 pm

Dilligaf — Thanks. I have a calling?

This sounds awfully similar to....

September 22nd, 2011
5:32 pm

LOL @ UGA = Animal house if 1-3

I love CMR as a man but I can just see him at the podium after the loss saying “Remain Calm! all is well!”

HAHA!!!

Jeff Schultz

September 22nd, 2011
5:33 pm

Beeboppa Lulu — Happy to say Houston Nutt has gone splat. Couldn’t happen to a nice used car salesman.

This sounds awfully similar to....

September 22nd, 2011
5:33 pm

Schultzy that was hilarious, kudos

Jeff Schultz

September 22nd, 2011
5:33 pm

Ted M — I know. Hoping Mrs. Predictions won’t be reading this.

Jeff Schultz

September 22nd, 2011
5:34 pm

Beast from the East — Florida-Kentucky didn’t make the cut but I like the Gators big. I think they’re really good. Charlie Weis one of best hires in country.

Jeff Schultz

September 22nd, 2011
5:36 pm

JoeV — I’ll have you know I break down hours of game film every day. (They still use film?)

texas dawg

September 22nd, 2011
5:36 pm

dogs should win but they will not cover the spread.

Jeff Schultz

September 22nd, 2011
5:37 pm

Howard — When does ACC hit Big East with the frying pan? Is it just coincidence your screen name is Stooges last name?

texas dawg

September 22nd, 2011
5:38 pm

LOL…. JJ, I thought she was an old miss….she was had by vandy last week.

gtfanfrom1951

September 22nd, 2011
5:38 pm

Old Miss is very very angry football program and need’s a win to make everyone forget about Vandy. What out UGA!

Jeff Schultz

September 22nd, 2011
5:39 pm

JJ — It’s Old to me, not ole. And Ms., not Miss. That’s a women’s lib thing.

Jeff Schultz

September 22nd, 2011
5:39 pm

This sounds … Thanks.

texas dawg

September 22nd, 2011
5:41 pm

1st Vandy and now a Dawg…. she is getting older by the minute….

Delbert D.

September 22nd, 2011
5:42 pm

How about, “Richt over Stress in the Nut Bowl”?

bugsquacher

September 22nd, 2011
5:42 pm

By the way for all those keeping score…. I’m just saying….

1-GEORGIA is a combined 0-5 against Top 25 teams in 2010 and 2011
2- GEORGIA has lost 10 of its last 12 against ranked teams. (2-10 record)
3- GEORGIA is now 15-14 in his last 29 games
4-GEORGIA is 6-10 in the past 16 SEC games.
5- GEORGIA is 3-5 in their last 8 games going back to last season
6- GEORGIA has won 1 of it last 4. (and it wasnt a powerhouse we beat

texas dawg

September 22nd, 2011
5:45 pm

the old miss aint pretty…..but she’s all we got……

ALA Barker

September 22nd, 2011
5:47 pm

This just in, Georgia crushes Ole Miss 73 – 3. OL was missing but the girls from Agnes Scott did a wonderful job.

SC pound

September 22nd, 2011
5:50 pm

Maybe the mascot for “OLD MISS” could be a “Spinster”. LOL.

2010 BCS CHAMPS

September 22nd, 2011
5:50 pm

Hey Jeff, remember last week how you wrote about Cam not throwing for 400 yards again?

2010 BCS CHAMPS

September 22nd, 2011
5:53 pm

I bet Jeff will predict Obozo winning in 2012.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

September 22nd, 2011
5:56 pm

want to see Falcons smack the Bucs around in their own house- keep the streak alive, make it 6 in a row!!!

Najeh Davenpoop

September 22nd, 2011
5:57 pm

This column would be better if Sofia Vergara was a recurring feature.

Erik

September 22nd, 2011
6:00 pm

Great job as usual, Jeff. Scale 1-10…You got 0 chance with my Sofia Vergara!! LOL!!!