Countdown: Tech stashes ACC trophy; Ohio State’s stiff ‘I’

A new logo, via Sesame Street (with pal Elmo).

Vampires can be accused of a lot of things. Cheating is not one of them. There was that one three-legged race during the family picnic of the Underworld Optimists Club when I bit Vinnie, but most while most people thought I was cheating to win the race, really, I was just thirsty. Where was I? Oh yeah. Cheaters. Hate ‘em. Really hate ‘em in college. Seems safe to conclude that Georgia Tech wasn’t really cheating, even through the NCAA chose to hit them upside the fangs with a 2-by-4. But barring some unforeseen victorious appeal, the Yellow Jackets will have to mail back their ACC championship trophy. Which reminds The Count. Where is that trophy right now? Hmmm. We count down . . .

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10. Yes, I’m here to claim my coat and … whoa!

The trophy reads, "Football Champions 2009," but you have to find the right closet to know that.

You'll get this trophy when you pry it from Paul Johnson's cold dead hands.

So I went to Tech Monday to chat with the notorious, dirty, cheatin’ coach, Paul Johnson. (Stay tuned later today for Johnson’s venting in the general direction of the NCAA. Shameless plug from marketing.)

Tech still hasn’t decided whether to appeal the NCAA’s penalties, which include forfeiting the 2009 ACC title win over Clemson. Should they appeal and lose, or not appeal at all, they will have to return the trophy to the ACC. But given that Tech thinks this whole thing is  a crock, they’re not in any hurry. Well-placed sources tell The Count that the trophy would not be mailed via Next Day Air. More likely, it will be regular mail. Or pony express. Dead pony. Maybe they just stick it on I-85 with a big inflatable thump pointing north with a sticky note that reads, “Greensboro,” and see if it gets there.

But for now, the championship trophy is on campus. You just have to find it.  It has been removed from the trophy case in the The Institute’s Edge Athletics Center and is now out of view. The Count was directed to somebody’s office. Specifically, a closet in the office. Between the coats. Yes, that glorious piece of hardware Johnson raised above his head after a win over Clemson in Tampa is now sitting in darkness, fending off moths. If John Swofford contacts me, I’m willing to tell him where it is, but only if he discloses to the world whether he puts product in his hair. Unfortunately, The Count did not have his officially Countdown-sanctioned camera with him so he had to take a picture with his mobile phone: the Counterberry. So here’s the non-glamor shot.Also, for what it’s worth, Reggie Bush’s still-not-returned Heisman Trophy was not in the closet.

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9. Give me an I! I? Hello, I? Are you there, I?

Roy Miracle may be dead, but he's the sanest one in this picture. Just saying.

OK, on a scale of 1 to 10, this is an 11.2 on The Count’s creep-o-meter. It’s well known that the Ohio State band does this cute little thing where it spells out “O-H-I-O” on the football field (and possibly prison yards). So this Buckeyes’ fan, who is now dead, apparently was such a lunatic and fanatic that his family thought it would be cool to have the stiff in the casket be “I” in Ohio. I wish I were making this up. We present the late Roy Miracle, 80. That’s him in the wooden box, adjacent to three deranged surviving family members, as they spell out Ohio. The daughter, Juli Miracle (playing the “H”), told the Columbus Dispatch: “I didn’t do it for anybody but Dad and I. To me, it was the best honor and tribute to do for him and OSU.” Might want to get a second casket ready for Jim Tressel’s career.

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8. The Birdbrains of Alcatraz

Somebody please tell Cedric Benson he's not supposed to smile for his prison mugshot.

Oh, Roger Goodell said, “lock-out.” The Cincinnati Bengals thought you said, “lock-UP.” What is it with this team? In a span of eight days, three — THREE — Bengals were arrested: cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones (disorderly conduct and resisting arrest), Cedric Benson (misdemeanor assault) and  safety Marvin White (simple assault and disturbing the peace). There are wings of Leavenworth with fewer combined arrests than the Cincinnati roster. Seriously, between the Bengals and Ohio State, it makes you wonder if the Chuck-e-Cheese-sponsored youth teams are playing in leg chains. According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, the Bengals have had 35 arrests since 2000, the most in the NFL. One more and they’ll get an official invite from the SEC. Jack Brennan — an old pal who used to be a sportswriter until he followed some misguided belief that being the Bengals’ PR guy would lead to fewer headaches — said, “It would be inappropriate for the team to comment until the matters are resolved through normal legal channels.” It might save time if the team just built its own court room.

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7. Deep fried logic

Also, cheesecake actually burns fat grams.

Atlanta’s Stewart Cink did not win the British Open (he finished tied for 30th at 9-over, but then he’s only an American). But he may have had the best travel observation of Open week when he wrote on Twitter, “From the delusional category . . .” and Tweeted a picture of this billboard that illustrated the claimed nutritional benefits of fish and chips (”Make it a part of your nutritious balanced diet.’)

Of course, the advertisement compares fish and chips to an average portion of pizza, or a Big Mac and fries, as opposed to, oh, I dunno, a salad. And they wonder why they were too fat and stupid to stop the American Revolution.

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6. David Stern’s illogical magic trick

Watch me pull the NBA schedule out of a hat. Presto! Oops.

The NBA plans to announce the 2011-12 regular season schedule on Tuesday. Remember when Bullwinkle announced, “Nothing up my sleeve. Presto!” and then he would pull the wrong animal out of a hat? Well, just put David Stern in the moose suit. I mean, what’s the point? The schedule is pure fantasy. This will be sort of like looking at the next day’s breakfast menu aboard the Titanic. The owners and players aren’t even negotiating right now for a new CBA and the league pretty much wants to run the old one through a food processor. Of course, those hard-line union players are so broken up about this that they’re planning on playing in Turkey, Europe or China. Because, you know, if Josh Childress can make millions in Greece, just imagine how much a real NBA starter could make! There may be a half-season. There may be no season. But don’t bother looking at the schedule for November, December or most of January. It’ll be like waiting on Marvin Williams.

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5. One of Tiger’s mistresses so dumb, she may have lost $10 million payoff

This is Rachel Uchitel. And that's all I've got to say.

Rachel Uchitel, who reportedly was paid $10 million to not talk about the details of her alleged affair with Tiger Woods — and who even knew that many $20 bills could even fit on a night stand? — had to give back most of the money for breaking a confidentiality agreement, this via TMZ. Woods can’t win golf tournaments any more but this is worth way more than the John Deere Classic. His attorneys claim when Uchitel went on “Celebrity Rehab” to treat her “addiction to love,” it violated the agreement. She denies this, but word is her attorney, the Queen Vulture, Gloria Allred, sold her out to Woods in exchange for keeping her own fees from the original $10 million settlement. So now Uchitel may sue Allred for malpractice. I know, this is isn’t the heart-warming story of  Darren Clarke winning the British Open. It’s just a lot more interesting. Besides, it gave me a real journalistic excuse to run a picture of Uchitel.

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4. Do not invite this man to your tailgate

We’ve discovered, via Kegs ‘N Eggs, the one person who actually has been living in a cave, or maybe he just went to Vanderbilt. Meet Christopher (no last name for his protection), who stumbled upon the “Daily Double” in Jeopardy and then botched it royally. Under “Colleges and Universities” for $600, the Jeopardy answer was, “In 2010, Cam Newton became this university’s third Heisman Trophy winner.” Anybody have a guess? Check out what Chris said.

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3. Move over, Green Lantern: It’s Tiger, the comic book

Woods is still winning in this book.

Back to Tiger. The company Bluewater Productions has released a Woods comic book. Great timing, huh?

If this was five years ago, it might seem like good business. But now Woods is in the worst slump of his career. He has lost his stature on the tour, his personal life is a mess and reportedly even his wealth is thinning. Who is the subject of Bluewater’s next project: Bernie Madoff?

From the company’s news release: “Tiger Woods is, in most respects, the most famous golfer of all time. He may have had some recent troubles, but his life is one filled with very interesting tidbits.”

It certainly is. Actually, Woods, Uchitel, Joslyn James and the Perkins waitress do make wonderful comic book characters.

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2. Shields accessorizes with tattoo (ugh)

Sam Shields transferred the bling to his neck.

The Count doesn’t wish to make this item a referendum on tattoos. But at the very least we can all agree, some qualify as really bad decisions. Like the one Green Bay cornerback Sam Shields just got slapped on his neck. Shields had a likeness of the Packers’ Super Bowl ring tattooed on himself. Apparently, just having the ring on his finger wasn’t enough. It’s worth noting that the ring also has the added advantage of being removable. Much like the mistake a guy can make when he has a girlfriend’s name tattooed on his arm, only to break up with her, Shields had better hope he doesn’t sign with the Bears or Vikings one day.

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1. And finally . . .

Remember when Osama bin Laden was killed and the Pittsburgh Steelers’ Rashard Mendenhall sent out a bizarre series of Tweets (including this gem: “I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style”). Well, now Mendenhall is suing “Champion” for $1 million after the company dared to drop him as a product endorser. Turns out most of the buying public got their boxers in a bunch over the comments, and that’s just not good for business (surprise!). Mendenhall thinks he has a case. But there’s this clause in his contract: [Contract is voided if Mendenhall] commits or is arrested for any crime or becomes involved in any situation or occurrence tending to bring Mendenhall into public disrepute, contempt, scandal or ridicule, or tending to shock, insult or offend the majority of the consuming public.” Checkmate.

By Jeff Schultz

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