Countdown: Bulls vs. idiots; Braves’ fans mocked in Philly

The Count was always lovable ...

The Count was always lovable ...

Let’s state the obvious. The Count likes blood. There’s no denying this. There are no vampires in 12-step programs for plasma addictions. The crazy thing would be if a vampire was NOT addicted to plasma. It would be like if vultures were circling over a fallen cow and suddenly one of them turned to the others and said, “You know. I think I just want a nice piece of fish.”

But there is one thing that always has turned The Count’s stomach: “The Running of the Bulls.” What is it with these guys? What’s the Spanish word for knuckleheads, because they’re back again. And one of them doesn’t have any clothes on! We count down . . .

10. It’s that time again: The Running of the Idiots

The annual San Fermin Festival in Pamplona has begun. It includes 342 music shows, 137 family activities and 33 events involving bulls, also known as panic and gore. The running of the bulls started about 400 years ago. Ernest Hemingway thought it was really cool, but then he was drunk a lot. How long will it take people before they figure out that the bulls have a decided advantage? Seriously, the bulls plan their vacation around this week. If you listen carefully, you can hear them say: “Hey, let’s watch the stupid humans try to outrun us again. Now listen Fred, I get the fat one this year.” Here’s some video from the start of the run. Then stick around for another video. It gets better.

9. That most definitely is going to leave a mark

So now that all of the bulls and idiots are inside the ring, what’s the stupidest thing a guy can do? Take his clothes off, of course. Watch as a streaker decides to take bull dodging to the next level. I’m not sure what the over/under would have been in Las Vegas on how long it would take for him to get gored. But it happens right about the 40-second mark. Shortly afterward, it’s believed all of the bulls and humans fell on the floor laughing. The remainder of the events were canceled and they all sang songs together. (The video camera holder yelling, “Kill, killer. Kill,” was a nice touch.)

8. CNN: Jeter hits 3,000th homer (Go ahead. Say it. They’re liberal.)

Fox's reaction..

Derek Jeter is headed for the Hall of Fame, as any 3,000-home run hitter should be. Wait. What? Yes, according to a screen-grab of the “oops” graphic from CNN — via the SportsGrid.com — Jeter hit his 3,000th home run the other day, not his 3,000th hit for a home run. That would be a remarkable achievement for Jeter. He’s never has even been accused of taking steroids. Kudos to the CNN anchor, who stammers a bit but correctly states Jeter’s achievement. Watch the video as the words on the graphic suddenly disappears. Sorry, I couldn’t get the embedding code on the video to work but here’s a link.

7. Wait, who’s the gazillionaire here?

Get the feeling they've been sitting in a warehouse?

Get the feeling this stuff has been sitting in a warehouse?

So what’s wrong with this picture? It’s clear (as we’ll illustrate shortly) that Jeter was prepared to milk the 3,000-hit plateau for as many nickels as he could. But the fan who caught the historic ball had no intention of profiting on it. First, the fan: Jeter’s home run was caught by Christian Lopez. He says he has over $100,000 in student loans. At least one auction house speculated that the ball could have fetched up to $250,000 on the open market.

pMLB2-10528372dtBut Lopez was content to return the ball to Jeter, He made out OK: season tickets and memorabilia (signed bats, balls and jerseys) valued at about $70,000, plus a photo op. But Jeter? Apparently career earnings of $205 million just isn’t enough. The Nike/Jordan/Jeter Brand created a special line of  “DJ3K” shoes, cleats, shirts, batting gloves and possibly a waffle iron. MLB.com also is selling commemorative gear in the “Derek Jeter 3000 Shop,” ranging from $5 wristbands to a $999.99 autographed bat. All The Count really wants is an 8×10 of Jeter’s arm candy, Minka Kelly. Actually, make that a poster.

6. Atlanta Spirit Item(s) of the Week

Brucey, why won't you play with me?

Brucey, why won't you play with me?

As the Atlanta Spirit, the pox on Atlanta sports attempts to sanitize its brand — good luck with that — here are a couple of updates: Email addresses of Hawks’ employees no longer have @AtlantaSpirit after the name but rather @Hawks. Best to to distance the team from the post-Thrashers wreckage. It sort of  follows that, “Out of cyberspace, out of mind” philosophy. Also, remember several weeks back when The Count reported on the various anti-Atlanta Sprit Facebook and Twitter pages? Well, we can only guess that Bruce Levenson didn’t find great humor (shocking, I know) in the faux Bruce Levenson Twitter account because it has been suspended. The author of the page passed the news along to me and was a bit crushed. No legal action is planned. The Count finds the suspending of the Twitter account both petty and hysterical. I mean, there are a million faux accounts out there. Even Roger Goodell allows a faux Twitter account! (A Tweet from Monday: “Finally got negotiations to a good place and then Jerry Jones demands a copy of DeSmith’s birth certificate. Jesus Jerry!”) But I guess this just reaffirms what we already knew: There can only be one Bruce Levenson.

5. Hawks cheerleaders apparently not part of players’ union

This is Kaylin. I'm not sure where she stands on Josh Smith's three-point shooting.

This is Kaylin. I'm not sure where she stands on Josh Smith's three-point shooting.

Go to Hawks.com and you’ll realize how the entire team has vanished. At the directive of the league, all mugshots and bios of players have been taken down during the lockout. (The roster and statistics are still there.) The only team member photos you’re going to find now are something closer to a Maxim production. The Hawks are holding the selection of their cheerleading squad online over two weeks. They’ll post interviews, videos and pictures. Chances are, you also will have to click a button that reads, “Yes, I’m 18! Show me more!”  Now, I’m not here to tell you that sex sales. But take a look at the swimsuit photo of “Kaylin” and you tell me if she’ll drive more online traffic than a shot of Marvin Williams looking lost. Again. On a completely unrelated note, there was the former Hawks cheerleader, Briana, who became a porn actress a few years ago. But team officials don’t like to talk about that.

4. Paul Pierce goes all in during lockout

caption.

Apparently, it's easier for Pierce to hide his emotions at a poker table.

Deron Williams may go to Turkey.  Kobe Bryant may go to China. Where’s Paul Pierce during the NBA lockout? In Last Vegas, playing in the World Series of Poker. And he’s good: He more than doubled his chip count (from 30,000 to 62,750) after only one session. Clearly, the man nicknamed “The Truth” knows how to bluff. Joe Johnson would be a lousy poker player. He can’t fool anybody. (Yeah, yeah: Cheapshot.) Pierce says poker helps him “develop patience, and that helps me in everything I do in life.” Presumably, he won’t be making any “menacing gestures”  to other players when he wins a hand. A perceived gang sign flashed to the  Hawks’ Al Horford led to a $25,000 fine. Couldn’t bluff his way out of that one.

3. Oh goody: More debauchery

Here's former president George Bush, pretending to look Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh in the during the Olympics in Beijing.

Here's former president George Bush, pretending to look Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh in the eye during the Olympics in Beijing.

The reason for the Paul Pierce poker update was because it prevented The Count from having consecutive items that included pictures of women in bikinis. Because that would be cheap and shallow. OK, I’m covered. Less than one year after the AVP beach volleyball tour closed — because it turns out that creepy old men who watch young women jump up and down on the beach shockingly doesn’t generate much revenue and satisfy sponsors — the sport is back. The new “tour” will be limited to three events, none of which are anywhere near Smyrna: Manhattan Beach (Calif.), Miami Beach and Hermosa Beach (Calif.). In these slow days of summer and with two sports leagues locked out, I feel it’s my duty to pump up interest in these start-up ventures. (Unless it’s arena football or soccer.) Plus, I had so many great photos to choose from. Plus, I’m a guy.

2. It’s nowhere near Casey Anthony but …

Doctored photo from Sawxblog.com says it all.

Doctored photo from Sawxblog.com says it all.

Jury selection for the Roger Clemens perjury trial has begun, and if you think it’s going to be difficult to find 12 jurors who’ve never heard of Clemens, try this: Among the potential jurors Monday was a women who said that her husband told her she likely would be picked for the jury, but she got Clemens confused with Roberto Clemente, whom she didn’t realize has been dead since 1972.

1. And finally . . .

Braves’ fans, if you’re looking for something to file away for if/when your team overtakes Philadelphia for first place in the National League East, here it is: A YouTube video showing Phillies fans mocking the tomahawk chop during the Sunday’s 14-1 Braves loss. I’m not sure exactly what a Braves fan would do to mock a Phillies fan. But I’m sure you’ll come up with something.

By Jeff Schultz

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC; friend me at Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

193 comments Add your comment

Feeanch

July 12th, 2011
12:47 am

Glad you are back, Count

Benjamin

July 12th, 2011
12:47 am

Countdown to FIRST! Where’s my kudos, Schultzie?

Benjamin

July 12th, 2011
12:48 am

Dang you, Feeanch! Dang you to heck!

Feeanch

July 12th, 2011
12:49 am

Ahahhahahahhahh. Hooray for the celebrity softball game and jenny finch pitching experience for keeping me up

nfieldr

July 12th, 2011
12:57 am

There’s no mocking Phillies fans. Their punishment is that they have to live in Philadelphia.

Robards

July 12th, 2011
12:59 am

Jeff, JJ has had the better year, but not by all that much. Halladay is the bigger name (by far) and ratings count a little, too. I assume you know that. It’s no big deal if JJ enters in the 3rd, 4th or 5th inning. The whole issue is almost as important as preseason college football rankings. Not quite though.

atlbravesfan

July 12th, 2011
1:03 am

ha philly phans mocking the braves chant? not really… they couldnt even get in sync with each other… cant wait till the braves take over 1st… lol

Steve

July 12th, 2011
1:21 am

Easy solution for Phillies fans. Just give them a taste of their own medicine.

The next time the Philles are in town, at least a dozen Braves fans voluntarily vomit on the nearest Phillies fan. Then, another dozen Braves fans whip D-batteries at the Phillies fans covered in vomit. Finally, we’ll wheel out Santa Claus, vomit on him and hurl D-batteries while booing.

Think we’re done? Not quite. We’ll then bring out Michael Irvin, have him rupture a disc in his neck at home plate, and the Braves fans will boo him while he remains lifeless on the ground… while being vomited on by Braves fans.

It’s the Philly thing to do.

scottbravesfan

July 12th, 2011
1:34 am

Most of those people at the phillies game live in South Jersey. I think that is punishment enough.

count_schemula

July 12th, 2011
1:55 am

bwah-hahah! Tenth post! [ cue lightning ]

Dirty Dawg

July 12th, 2011
2:00 am

We can always resort to that old, tried and true solution to this…next time we take real tomahawks and see how they deal with that. Matter of fact, seems to me I saw a Philly Phanatic without his snout the other day – let’s ‘de-snout’ all the phat-phuuu…..

Remarkable

July 12th, 2011
2:14 am

Couldn’t sleep. Read the Count. Now I’ll be up all night. Thanks Jeff! Another reason to love George W.

Philth-adelphia

July 12th, 2011
3:00 am

How to mock Philthy fans? Jesus, that’s easy. Just say “Philadelphia”. Or, hold up a pack of Duracell’s finest double A’s for Scott Rolen and JD Drew’s heads. Either one is game, set, match.

Stinger2

July 12th, 2011
4:04 am

Count: In picture no.2, there is a word missing. President Bush is trying to look these ladies in the…..what? Surely not eyes.
Also a question about the one in the white bikini: the bottom part obviously is partly mesh but what is the other part? a diaper or something else? Just asking.

SA

July 12th, 2011
4:44 am

I for one think the Chop needs some modifications. The whole right hand chopping motions doesn’t look too cool in the 2000’s. Drop the hand chop, and just use your hands to amplify your chant.

The real power of the chop is the chant, and not the hand slicing.

VinnyD

July 12th, 2011
5:34 am

The best thing to ever come out of Philly in the last 200 years is a fictional character named Rocky. That is all they have, that and a dog fighting QB. If I lived in that snithole, I would be a rude, pompous jackass as well.

clay

July 12th, 2011
5:50 am

karma is a b****

legionaire

July 12th, 2011
5:50 am

I watched a mindless movie about extreme sking the other night. The Count should put those morons right up there with the bull running the next count down.

Jan the Philly man

July 12th, 2011
6:04 am

I’m sure all the empty seats in Atlanta will cause the phillies and their fans much stress.

WIlly

July 12th, 2011
6:35 am

Jeter should pay that kid’s student loans – but he won’t.

Netherlands Brave

July 12th, 2011
6:39 am

The Phillies fans are jealous. The Tomahawk Chop is way more cool than what they do, wave a little white hankie.

David

July 12th, 2011
6:40 am

The Braves mock Philly fans every game with the HD Tool race.

philly not that great

July 12th, 2011
6:53 am

Philly fans are as hypocritical as they come. They like to talk about how supportive they are but the reality is that nobody went to Phillies games before they built the new stadium. Also, nobody goes to Sixers games now b/c they’re mediocre.

And ask one of them when they last went to a major college football game and see what kind of response you get.

Herschel Talker

July 12th, 2011
7:21 am

Schultzie:

Philly fans are the biggest pieces of garbage in existence.

HT

Michael

July 12th, 2011
7:39 am

The best way to mock a Philly phan is remind them they live in Philadelphia.

No Axe to Grind

July 12th, 2011
7:43 am

Atlanta “fans” mocking Philly? Isn’t this the city that lost an NHL franchise….TWICE?

Chief Osceola

July 12th, 2011
7:44 am

Let’s not forget where the “Tomahawk Chop” originated!

ESPN Classic

July 12th, 2011
7:46 am

The lasting memory of Philly fans is this line from Emmett Smith: “It’s the City of Brotherly Love…they got no love for any brother in another jersey.”

Reebok

July 12th, 2011
7:49 am

Isn’t mocking Philly fans redundant?

Voice of Reason

July 12th, 2011
7:51 am

Life is good! Joined a 65+ softball league and lived through the first practice yesterday followed by a morning view of the Count! BTW, after that first practice, I feel like I was run over by one of those bulls – kept my clothes on, though. good to have the Count, and of course, Jeff back regularly.

Rodster

July 12th, 2011
7:53 am

Hallalujah, The Count is back. Jeff, Can’t wait for the first college football Count Down.

Inside looking out

July 12th, 2011
8:11 am

Quick question: When the Eagles play ANYTIME at the Georgia Dome, how many of their fans pack the building? When the Falcons play ANYWHERE, how many of their fans travel to the game?

Paul

July 12th, 2011
8:22 am

Too sad the guy didn’t learn anything in college. He’ll be broke for a long time. I guess he can sell his tickets. What a dope.

Walker, Texas Ranger

July 12th, 2011
8:28 am

Count, thank goodness your back. Now what would have really been chead is if you had included a photo of Minka Kelly in the Jeter section. Cheap and awesome. You could always update with a shot in a low cut dress.

Walker, Texas Ranger

July 12th, 2011
8:29 am

Cheap not chead

heartofdarkness

July 12th, 2011
8:33 am

All things considered… I’d rather be in Philadelphia.

Walker, Texas Ranger

July 12th, 2011
8:34 am

Philly has a statue of a fictional character and a bell with a crack in it. What a bunch of losers. Best way to mock Philly fans would be to purchase a billboard with a map of Philly and a big red arrow that says you are here.

Les "The Hat" Miles

July 12th, 2011
8:37 am

The best thing we can do to mock Philly is trick them into taking the Atlanta Spirit group off our hands. Of course, then the Flyers would be moved to somewhere like Mobile, or New Orleans, and the Sixers would overpay to get a player that they thought would take them to the title.

And concerning Jurrgens, didn’t MB tell us yesterday that, according to sports writers in Detroit, JJ wouldn’t even be a .500 pitcher in the AL, and it’s only because the NL is so weak and fragile that he’s worth anything? Me thinks that Detroit is still smarting over a trade from 1987.

Bill

July 12th, 2011
8:39 am

“First prize, one week in Philadelphia. Second prize, two weeks in Philadelphia.”- WC Fields.

Walker, Texas Ranger

July 12th, 2011
8:43 am

If I owned both Philadelphia and Hell, I would live in Hell and rent out Philadelphia.

Skip Caray

July 12th, 2011
8:45 am

Philly fans are the most pathetic fans of all. Who cares if they mock us….they are the first to gloat when they do something good, and the first to turn on there own team when they do something bad. It makes me laugh just to see a philly fan, the worst fans of any sport. Looking at a philly fan reminds me of the rough poop I took last night. :)

JASon

July 12th, 2011
8:46 am

“Now, I’m not here to tell you that sex sales.”

You write for a living.

Skip Caray

July 12th, 2011
8:52 am

This is officially the crap on the philly fan blog….on your marks…..get set….GO!!

Fat, Loud American

July 12th, 2011
8:54 am

Come on Jeff, just because you don’t care for the running of the bulls they’re “idiots” and “knuckleheads”?

PMC

July 12th, 2011
8:54 am

I vastly prefer La Tomatina to the running of the bulls.

Supes

July 12th, 2011
9:02 am

Shame that the AVP Crocs tour folded…but it’s hard to maintain interest in beach volleyball without the Olympic Games and national coverage of Misty May and Kerri Walsh. (who both took time off to have babies and low and behold the tour folded due to the lack of superstar power outside those 2).

As far as the Philly fans…who cares what they do…as long as the Braves over take them for 1st place in the NL East at the end…that will be “getting even” enough for me.

Maximus Decimus Meridius

July 12th, 2011
9:04 am

If all it takes is a relative handful of Phils fans half-heartedly “mocking” the chop to get some of you worked up, then I guess you are actually beyond mocking… by the way, I live in NYC and I’m sure you can work a few decent insults for my town too, right?

Fat, Loud American

July 12th, 2011
9:06 am

“I live in NYC”

LMAO

PMC

July 12th, 2011
9:07 am

Mocking from fans is pretty common. Nothing to get panties in a twist about.

Once Guerin and then Proctor were in the game it was clear the Braves had conceded and were just trying to get the game over with rather than trying to win. It was basically an appropriate time to mock.

Skip Caray

July 12th, 2011
9:08 am

Sure, Yankees fans are the most stuck up fans of all, you go around acting proud as if your team earns anything, when all you do is pay your way to championships, an we all sit back just loving watching the most overpaid team fail and fail again. It is so comical. You should win a WS every year, yet you don’t. Yankees are the laughing stock of the MLB!! Is that good for you Maximus?? :)