Countdown: Vote LeBron, someone else in Count’s hate poll!

The Count was always lovable ...

. . . even when he and his sister (left) were babies.

The Count believes hate is such a strong word. The Count doesn’t hate. He mocks, he clowns and he occasionally dislikes. But he certainly doesn’t hate. There was that one full moon when The Count was strolling through a bad neighborhood and he needed a quick fix. So he bit some lady as she was leaving the Quik Trip, and she claimed to be European, but The Count was pretty sure she was from Secaucus because he just remembers this dreadful aftertaste and pronouncing, “I would not wash the feet of my pigs in your plasma!” (Say it with an obnoxious French accent, s0unds better.) Anyway, back to this hate thing. A lot of people seem to hate LeBron James. So The Count was thinking, “Hey, how ab0ut the first ever Count Poll?” Sharpen your cuspids. We count down . . .

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10. So many choices, but here’s a worthy “Sweet 16″

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Wrestler Freddie Blassie was known as "The Vampire" for acts like this. But The Count thinks he gave vampires a bad name.

The editorial board at Countdown, Inc., had to figure out some way to limit this. So here goes. When voting on the most unlikable, distasteful, contemptible individual (or just Mr. Poopy Pants, if you prefer),  we’re going to stick to the last 10 years. So O.J. Simpson, Ty Cobb and Freddie Blassie are out. The Count’s criteria: The athlete had to have either competed and been hated in the last 10 years, or competed recently and became hated more after retirement (example: the lying Mark McGwire). Mike Tyson almost didn’t make the cut, because he’s so far removed from hate. Also, he was funny in the Hangover (and Hangover II!). But I figured somebody would scream if I didn’t include him. So to the left are my 16 choices. Vote in the poll and sound off below. The Count will not cast a vote so as to not to sway my loyal and disturbed following.

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9. LeBron: Let your feelings go

Let it go, LeBron. And no, I'm not calling you "King."

There’s only one thing more valuable than LeBron James when he’s great. That’s LeBron James when everybody is dumping on him and thinks he’s a headcase! Yes, James’ great disappearing act in the fourth quarter of the last three games of the title series has spawned an entire new line of T-shirts (that include sayings like, “Maybe Next Year” and “Still Ringless”) and now a potential cottage industry: people who want to save LeBron. The Miami Herald, which brought you the premature Macy’s ad selling Heat championship T-shirts, ran a story quoting sports psychologists who believe James needs help. And fast! Former Brave John Smoltz probably won’t love that his name was invoked here. From the story: “At some point in the days or weeks to come, James will likely have moments of introspection, searching for what went wrong in the series’ final three games. If James is honest with himself, he’ll acknowledge he wasn’t the same dynamic player that won two consecutive league MVP awards and single-handedly put away the Celtics and Bulls in the previous two rounds. James will see moments of tentativeness, passing up open shots that are usually automatic. And, he’ll begin to ask why. That’s where mental health professionals, who have helped high-profile athletes like John Smoltz and Alex Rodriguez fight through internal roadblocks, could help.” Maybe it’s just me. But when James basically referred to critics as lesser beings after the series, I didn’t sense he was ready for introspection.

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8. Cuban gets The Count’s Good Owner stamp of approval

I wonder if the trophy had a drink before takeoff?

OK. Mark Cuban is a goofball. And occasionally juvenile, bordering on moronic. But as a sports owner, he’s one of the better ones around. All he cares about is winning. And he spends money. And he’s at every game. And you know that he cares so much about his team and his team’s fans that you never have to stop and ask yourself, “Hmmm. Should I believe these Winnipeg rumors?” So for that reason, I thought this picture was very cool. Cuban sent it out himself on Twitter, with the simple caption, “On the plane.” He also sent out this Tweet on Monday night: “Heard a rumor that Obama was planning on coming to Miami for Gm 7. Will ask him when we visit . #MavsSavingTaxDollars.”

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7. Mr. Iverson: You might just want to buy a Camry

Iverson's Lamborghini probably is dustier than this one.

The 2007 Lamborghini Murcielago went for $320,000 new. So I guess it’s still worth it for Allen Iverson to pick his up from impound. But it’s getting close. Iverson, an Atlanta resident when he’s on this planet, was pulled over in Buckhead back in April because he didn’t have a license plate. The car has been sitting in an impound lot on Cheshire Bridge Road ever since, according to WXIA 11Alive. It turns out Iverson hasn’t paid tag fees for the last four years. At $14,000 a year, that’s $56,000. The impound lot also is charging $300 per month. Iverson, meanwhile, says he wants to play again. Of course. He’s reportedly broke. So these wheels could be up for auction soon. The lot has the right to sell the car after 90 days since Iverson hasn’t responded to notices. I can go as high as $3,750. Worried about gas prices.

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6. The better wager: Heat at 5-2 or Hawks at 40-1?

Not a good time to ask Josh or Joe if they like the 40-1 odds.

It probably won’t be as much fun if the Heat fail to win the NBA title again next season. But they’re favored again. Bodog.com lists Miami as 5-2 favorites to win the 2011-12 championship, followed by the Los Angeles Lakers (11-2) and Chicago (6-1). The Hawks are tied for 11th at 40-1. I’m not sure that I’d actually bet $20 on them but it would be a more interesting wager than the Heat, whose odds are ridiculously low. The last, after the top three: Oklahoma City 8-1; Dallas 10-1; Boston 12-1; San Antonio 20-1; Orlando 22-1; New York Knicks 28-1; Portland 30-1; Denver 40-1; Atlanta 40-1; Memphis 40-1; New Orleans 45-1; Houston 50-1; Utah 60-1; Philadelphia 65-1; Phoenix 65-1; New Jersey 65-1; Charlotte 75-1; Indiana 75-1; L.A. Clippers 75-1; Detroit 100-1; Golden State 100-1; Milwaukee 100-1; Minnesota 100-1; Sacramento 100-1; Washington 100-1; Cleveland 100-1; Toronto 150-1.

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5. Soccer mascot poses in lingerie (I know, it’s so cliche)

Here's "Donny Dog" in her dressing room. Oh, yeah. (Sorry, I've got editors. But you dudes are resourceful.)

A British soccer team, the Doncaster Rovers, recently fired their mascot for posing in sexy lingerie. Yeah, by now we should be immune to big stuffy animals with oversized heads wearing a nighty, right? Any way, Tracy Chandler (the women in the “Donny Dog” dog suit) apparently has been given her job back, as the club caved to public pressure. Chandler, a 40-year-old mother of three, said she was only trying to raise money for a children’s charity by posing for the magazine. She thought the photo shoot was “tastefully done.” The team said she had “disgraced the club.” Bad dog. But Ms. Chandler noted that this is the same organization that had players pose nude for a charity calendar last year. So the team relented. However, they are making her sleep outside for a week.

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4. Goodbye, Harvey Updyke (and son’s incomplete Tweet)

This man will not be silenced for long.

The other day I blogged about the fact alleged Auburn tree poisoner Harvey Updyke Jr. was now on Twitter. Well, it seems word of this fire-meet-Scarecrow potential was not greeted fondly by Updyke’s attorneys. So just like that, he’s off Twitter. Here’s Updyke’s final Tweet (for now): “Was advised by legal team..attorneys Glennon Threatt & Everett Wess to stop twitting[sic]. go to @bbupdyke my son Bears account follow him.” By the way, this was Bear’s last Tweet: “I have a confession to make to all the Bama fans and it might come as a disappointment and a surprise but I have never been (cont.)” And that’s it. He never Tweeted the rest. Anybody want to finish the sentence? (This should be good.)

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3. New autograph pens (soon to be available in Terrelle Pryor model)

Soon to be sold by Cecil Newton.

Will this Dog leave a mark?

And now, for the Georgia, Alabama and Auburn fans who have everything, we introduce: “BIGshooz.” The desk top pens, soon to be available in other team colors, go for $19.95.  According to a news release delivered to my email box: “The sporty figurine-shaped pen sits in a base shaped like a giant pair of shoes, a reminder to be your best and to fill big shoes!” So in a sense, the pen is also sort of a life and spiritual guide. At least until it runs out of ink or the NCAA asks you whether it came free with that tattoo.

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2. The Count’s bad fashion note of the week

Dude, seriously? You're wearing capris to a baseball game?

Did Todd Coffey lose a bet or something? Here’s the rotund Washington Nationals’ pitchers in his throwback Senators’ uniform. It’s an unfortunate look, made worse by the fact that the short pants give the impression he’s either preparing for a flood or getting ready to squash grapes. From Nationals broadcaster Mark Grant: “His britches aren’t even. They’re kind of like Capri pants. They’re too short to hike up and really stay up above the calf and not long enough, really, to cover down to the shoe.”

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1. And finally . . .

Since Jose Canseco is on The Count’s list, here’s an update. His brother, coach-player Ozzie Canseco, was thrown out of a Yuma Scorpions’ game.  Meanwhile, Jose’s dog, Bruce, a Great Dane, got loose during the game and ran around the field. Your next question probably will be: Why did Canseco bring his dog to the game? My response is: Why did the dog bring Canseco to the game? No, the signing of the Cansecos hasn’t quite provided a steadying influence on the team.  The Scorpions just traded catcher Gabriel Ortiz for a player to be named later. Why? It seems Ortiz took off his catche’s gear in the middle of a game and walked off the field following a home run. Maybe Bruce was just trying to escape.

By Jeff Schultz

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