Countdown: Surrogate Uga, Serena (wowsa), pom-pom mom
The Count isn't spooked by Uga. Or Blue.
When The Count and I came to contractual terms on another season, we had to insert a clause that stated: “No items about dogs.” Here’s why: Otherworldly creatures have a thing about dogs. It’s true. I used to do the Ouija board a lot as a kid, I think because I was trying to look for another planet or another dimension or something in the space-time continuum that was more conducive to, well, me. But every time the family dog ran into the room, the spirit left the building. The spook was spooked. I think I asked a spirit about it once and he spelled out something about dogs being soul-less. Or maybe it was the flatulence. I forgot. Anyway, The Count and I agreed to the clause with one notable exception: All items relating to Uga were allowed. Which is why we are here this week. Until the next Uga comes along, we have a surrogate for all Bulldogs fans. Or is this a concern? We count down . . .
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10. While Georgia waits for Uga, a new dawg has taken over
Blue II is hogging the spotlight. Not good.
So Butler is in the Final Four again. By now, you know they’re the Bulldogs, too. But did you know they used to the Christians? Yes, they converted, apparently after having a really bad football season in 1919. But rather than change religions, they changes species. Then, only 81 years later, Butler had a novel thought: Hey, let’s get a bulldog to be the Bulldogs’ mascot! So, stealing a page from Georgia, Butler found a stray and named him Blue. (Just kidding. Actually, the dog had just run away from Bobby Knight in Bloomington.) Any way, Blue lasted a few years. Then in 2004 he was succeeded by Blue II. He attends most games but hasn’t been allowed to travel in this tournament because the NCAA said there wasn’t enough “space” in the arena. Actually, I believe suspicious transcripts were a factor. Or he was at Bruce Pearl’s barbecue. But the NCAA has approved Blue II being at the Final Four in Houston. And warning: His celebrity status will grow even more.
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9. The next Uga needs a Twitter page
There is no current Uga. Let’s just say it has been a bad run for doggies in Athens lately. Meanwhile, Georgia fans have only Russ from the Seiler Temp Agency to keep them company. And during this period of mourning, look what has happened: Blue II has his own Twitter page: @ButlerBlue2. He has his own blog: The Life and Times of Butler Blue II. He made the cover of Indianapolis Pet Guide. Georgia fans can look at this two ways: 1) Pull for Butler because it’s a cool story and they’re named the Bulldogs, too; or 2) pull against Butler because Blue II is hogging the spotlight. And somebody please look into the Seiler’s recruiting.
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8. Canseco charging $10 a minute to tell you why he’s not a fraud
Oh, those sneaky Cansecos. (I think Jose in the ugly green suit.)
Jose Canseco: How low can you go? He was supposed to fight in a celebrity boxing event at a south Florida casino Saturday. But he didn’t show. Canseco apparently sent his twin brother Ozzie Canseco — not that anybody was supposed to notice. Because of a battle between the financial parties that’s really not worth going into, Canseco told Ozzie to pretend he was him, show up and collect the $5,000. (Jose had already received the other $5,000). His brother said yes, of course, because being Jose Canseco’s brother generally isn’t as profitable as it used to be. So what was the tip-off that something was wrong? El Nuevo Herald, the Spanish version of the Miami Herald, quoted an unidentified fight official as saying when Ozzie took off his shirt, he “didn’t have José’s tattoos on the biceps that appear in our advertising.” Wait, this gets better! Go to Canseco’s Twitter site (@JoseCanseco) and you’ll find this post: “call 3108626309 if you want to know the truth about celebrity boxing all monies go to charity.” It’s a fan line. Canseco is charging $10 per minute for the call. “All monies go to charity”? Right. I’ll pass. But there is good news. I have an excuse to show Canseco getting clobbered again by kick boxer Hong Man Choi.
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7. Serena and her semi-porn debut (did that hook you in?)
This is what Serena looks like walking toward you. For what she looks like walking away, click the video.
The Count has never had a problem with women athletes who are willing to be objectified in advertising (and/or photo shoots) for money. Hey, if not for Jan Stephenson, I never would’ve watched women’s golf as a young bat. The Count once did a risque commercial for a blood bank. You know how it goes: Dracula knocks on the door; woman named Bambi wearing a naughty nighty answers; Dracula, wearing a wet see-through cape, asks for blood donations. It’s the usual cliche Hollywood love story. Anyways, Serena Williams did a commercial for the “Top Spin 4″ video game, and it is not suitable for the Cartoon Network. I think it was produced by one of those small production companies at a Holiday Inn Express in Van Nuys. You can hear and see it below. She wears a tight leotard and thigh-high boots. Her opponent wears leather and fishnet stockings. They both grunt a lot. I mean, really. Does it matter what they’re selling? The ad was rejected, but of course the game gets all of this free publicity. And fortunately, the ad lives on in various dark corners of YouTube:
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6. An update from the Four (Headless) Horsemen and Lou Holtz
Holtz when he resigned in 1996 (before probation hit).
In one of the strangest decisions ever for an academic institution, Notre Dame is going to give an honorary law degree to Lou Holtz — the only coach in the school’s history to get the Irish’s football program on probation. (Of course, he resigned in 1996, three years before the NCAA put the hammer down. Always seems to work that way for Lou.). Notre Dame seems to have forgotten all about the probation. Two years ago, a statue of Holtz was unveiled on campus. I’m sure canonization is just around the corner. I mean, OK, he sinned. But win a national championship and they’ll find a way to bury the bodies.
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5. So I guess the Braves’ (and The Count’s) street cred just went up
Braves decided this ad isn't so bad after all.
Wow, does The Count have that much power? Last week I received an email from my new tattoo pal Johnny Hollywood (stage name) of 13 Roses Tattoo in East Point. Johnny said that a few months back, he received a phone call asking if he wanted to purchase ad space in the Braves’ new yearbook. Being a baseball fan, he said yes. Then a strange thing happened. Hollywood received a call from the publishing company and was told that the ad was rejected. Why? Quoting from the email: “The Braves have specifically asked them to remove my ad and the shop as a sponsor – they do not want to be affiliated with a tattoo shop.” I asked the Braves about this policy Monday. Then a stranger thing happened. “Mysteriously, I just got a call today out of the blue, saying they’ve reversed their decision,” Hollywood said. “They said it was a misunderstanding. I don’t know how it could’ve been. The ad was right there. Did you say something?” Well, The Count doesn’t like to brag but . . . The Braves used the word “misunderstanding” with me as well. Not saying I’m the tattoo type. But they are far more mainstream now than they were 20 years ago. Hollywood says his shop has worked on some Falcons but not any Braves. “I’d love to be able to hand out some T-shirts and maybe talk to Eric Hinske,” he said. No surprise. In case you missed Hinske’s “living canvas” from my blog last spring, click here.
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4. Flushing out the truth (full credit to Boston Herald)
I'm not certain if Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein (or Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman) ever quoted somebody in the men's room.
A long-time friend of mine works in Boston, Ron Borges. Broke the New England Patriots Super Bowl drug story back in 1986. As good a reporter as I’ve ever known. Now he covers the NFL for the Boston Herald. So Ron was covering the NFL owners meetings in New Orleans last week and, well, nature called. And there he sat, on his throne at the Roosevelt Hotel in the public restroom, when in walked NFL attorney Bob Batterman. Borges apparently is an expert in voice recognition. Even when he’s multi-tasking. He heard Batterman tell another league official: “Now we settle in for the long battle. I thought we had a chance to avoid it a couple of weeks ago, but it didn’t happen.” So much for any thought that this lockout was going to be quick. I sense NFL execs will be more truthful in the bathroom than a press conference. Meanwhile, still checking to see if the Pulitzer committee is convening for a special award for Borges’ resourcefulness.
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3. Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Godfather . . . and My Mother The Cheerleader
Coming to big screen: Pom-pom mom. (Bengals.com)
Hollywood — the town, not the tattoo dude — must be really desperate for story lines. New Line Cinema is planing to make a movie on Laura Vikmanis, the 42-year-old mother of two and Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleader. Now, this is nothing against Ms. Vikmanis, especially given how she looks at the age of 42 (and let’s hope Mrs. Count is not reading this). But a movie? One of the screenwriters, Kathy Greenberg, called it, “a feel good populist story in the vein of the ‘Blind Side.’” Right. Michael Oher, an African American, grew up in poverty, had a drug-addicted mother, grew up in several foster homes, eventually was raised by white family and later starred at Ole Miss and the NFL. And then there is Vikmanis — white divorced mother of two who thought cheering would be fun. Yeah. I see the parallels. Here’s Ms. Vikmanis from a radio interview with WLW in Cincinnati: “I was in the process of a divorce, which took a very long time. During that time, I said to myself, ‘I am so unhappy. What can I do to really get myself back to myself and really enjoy myself in life?’ Finally, I went to a game and I saw the cheerleaders down on the field and I said, ‘I think I can do that.’” This is probably too challenging for Meryl Streep. One final note: Greenberg and co-writer Emily Cook are famous for “Ratatouille” and “Gnomeo and Juliet” — both cartoon movies.
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2. While we’re on the subject of performance-enhancements . . .
Bell in a business suit. You can Google for better pictures.
One of Barry Bonds’ defense lawyers, Cristina Arguedas, tried to discredit the damaging steroid testimony of Kimberly Bell by accusing Bonds’ former girlfriend of trying to profit from the broken relationship by posing nude for Playboy. Bell, of course, was relieved. She had thought she was going to have to testify about her own body being artificially enhanced.
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1. And finally . . .
Anthony Johnson, a wide receiver at Columbia University, has been arrested for buying 42 fake IDs from a company out of China. He planned to sell them at a profit to his friends. Even if Johnson is kicked off the football team, he may earn credit hours toward an MBA.
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By Jeff Schultz
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126 comments Add your comment
1eyedJack
March 29th, 2011
12:11 pm
Joey, she don’t read too good nohow. If I was to cobble together one from parts I’d stick the old lady’s head on that body.
JSS
March 29th, 2011
12:28 pm
“Laughing at me?” Oh, I know that you’re trying to piggy back on that fool.Only a silly person like you would confuse that moronic 3rd grade slap that you posted as anything but that on the matter.
Just to clear up to a point for you. I’ve never need to have a woman, man, dog, moose, or college mascot to have my back or fight my battles. See, I’m not going to use that tired “everyone is brave behind a computer screen or smart phone” excuse. No one is anonymous here, you can be found out in a few strokes.
Your little boy diatribe which likens a grown woman to a “hairy beast” spoke volumes. Just like that spineless hepper of palaver gender and sexuality based slights fools no one. You and those of you who think that shooting you *#$ while watching for picture of some malnourished just past puberty girl on a blog post each Tuesday is a worthy pursuit, that is all you’ve got!
That man (and I use the word loosely) is a bigot, and worse off, a scared one at that… Every prejudice is on display, and so are yours…
Like I said: “They’re (my gonads) are still hanging!” The Grinch ain’t Jackie Sherrill, and neither are you!
bamafan
March 29th, 2011
12:39 pm
Jeff – most honorary degrees are “Doctor of Laws” or “Doctor of Letters” – neither has anything to do with a “law degree.” A law degree is a JD (’Juris doctor’). Having said that, the decision to honor Holtz is one that defies logic…….maybe it is because he quit before breaking Knute Rockne’s record for wins?
Hillbilly Deluxe
March 29th, 2011
1:04 pm
What a line up we have today…..
I’m not on Twitter but I’m guessing the dog may be as literate and have as much to say as most folks, on there.
To be Jose Canseco’s brother must be a burden in it’s own right but I think being is twin would be a special form of torture. How come his twin never made it to the Majors?
From seeing some of the Adult Swim content that shows on the Cartoon Network, I can’t believe anything would be “not suitable” for them.
You’d think Bob Batterman would know that loose lips sink ships. The first thing I was taught as a child was to always keep my mouth shut and my ears open. I don’t have a law degree, though.
One of the screenwriters, Kathy Greenberg, called it, “a feel good populist story in the vein of the ‘Blind Side.’”
And if you can get enough good looking women on the screen, it’s bound to sell tickets.
Anthony Johnson, a wide receiver at Columbia University, sounds like he has a big future running a poultry plant or a carpet mill.
juvenal
March 29th, 2011
1:56 pm
don’t ban Lex, or D A, either-they do 90% of the decent discourse from the dark side……..
PreyDawg
March 29th, 2011
2:00 pm
James is a blubbering idiot or blind if he thinks that Cheerleader mom is a 7. Face it Jimmy. She wouldnt give you a second look anyway. She is at least an 8.5.
Fl;atwoods Dawg
March 29th, 2011
2:44 pm
A better movie would be about Candy Cravesitt. A big chested stripper with a pure heart and big dreams. Fighting for the pole dancing championship while battling against the heartbreak of hemorrhoids. Now, that would be a feel good populist story.
Joey
March 29th, 2011
2:56 pm
I think I read the book about Candy . . .
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
3:21 pm
Good lord, JSS; take a valium. Your last post was the second time you referenced skinny or pre-pubescent women as the only apparent alternative to Serena Williams, and you’re continuing to violently assert that anyone who doesn’t find her attractive is a racist. So, the fact that you keep insisting you don’t like skinny white women isn’t racist/prejudiced by your own narrow standards? Here’s a little lesson about diversity: the world is full of attractive women of all shapes, sizes, colors and genetic backgrounds. I’m fond of many of them, and I don’t particularly care which demographic they belong to when I associate with them. We all have different tastes, and that’s OK with most people. I think Serena looks manly, and that doesn’t turn me on. That infuriates you that I don’t share your tastes for some reason, and you insist I’m a racist. I’d recommend you actually try being with a woman or two of different types just to see what it’s like, but I imagine that would be pretty difficult for you if your personality in the real world is anything like the terribly frustrated, impotent, silly little pseudo-intellectual hermit that you pose as here. If ESPN the Magazine is your only sexual outlet, then that would explain your point of view. If I was in that situation and had to choose which photo shoot to get excited about between Serena or Derrick Jeter, I’d probably pick Serena too. I don’t begrudge you that, my man; just know that there are all sorts of wonderful and interesting things going on outside your mother’s basement. I know; I was upstairs just this morning. Sorry about the noise.
Flatwoods Dawg
March 29th, 2011
3:45 pm
the Grinch
I prefer women with some junk in their trunk. Serena has a rumpthat could shelter small children during a summer thunderstorm.
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
3:48 pm
More power to you, Dawg! I like a little junk myself occasionally; just prefer a little more jiggle to it.
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
4:00 pm
Nothin’ wrong with that…I just prefer a little more jiggle. To each his own.
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
4:00 pm
Nothing wrong with that; I just prefer a little more jelly. To each his own.
Joey
March 29th, 2011
4:31 pm
Grinch, do you not realize that JSS has a crystal ball that allows him to know that you are a “fool” as well as a “scared bigot?”
JSS is also so perceptive, a random post on a sports blog tells him volumes about the poster, such as, “You and those of you who think that shooting you *#$ while watching for picture of some malnourished just past puberty girl on a blog post each Tuesday is a worthy pursuit . . .”
JSS seems to know a lot about those types of pasttimes . . .
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
4:47 pm
Good point…and since Jeff is the one posting those pics every Tuesday then by JSS’s reasoning Jeff must also be a tasteless pedophile like the rest of us…shame on you, Jeff! Showing us that “malnourished just past puberty girl” that’s 42 and has two kids! How dare you assert two different kinds of women can be attractive in the same countdown, you open-minded individual, you! I mean, you racist pedophile! Um, they mean the same thing, don’t they?
JSS
March 29th, 2011
5:16 pm
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
3:21 pm
“So, the fact that you keep insisting you don’t like skinny white women isn’t racist/prejudiced by your own narrow standards?”
“We all have different tastes, and that’s OK with most people.” And that is where you should have stopped, but you didn’t. Instead you took a turn that was beyond the pale. And then your bigoted acolytes jumped on your rickety processional trying to lackey up to that crap…
You are so clownish that you keep trying to “infer” your prejudice “skinny white women” on to me. I won’t lose any sleep waiting for you to find where I said it… Read this very carefully, I don’t care if it is Paris Hilton or a poor anorexic girl. No matter what their cultural race, yeah that is a problem. You do realize that Karen Carpenter must be your dream girl? A woman chooses what she feels is “womanly” to her. But keep insisting that it is “but it should at least look like a FEMALE badonkadonk.” OK genius, when they run Peachtree this, go get at the front of the line when the a Kenyan or Ethiopian female claims the crown and ask for a date! Yeah, I didn’t think so!
You are either mentally ill or just totally culturally tone death! So which is it? You moron, I think Siouxy Sioux is hot! That is her (Serena’s) body type (like her mother and her late sister), if there were not Venus (whose body type is like her father), then people could say something. It would be equally as stupid; but it could be a point. But they, like Martina before them do everything to get in optimum physical shape. I applaud that! When she hits a runway, ain’t a darn thing wrong with her “western style female womanly look.”
Now, bigot, I’m going to address your blog slights.
Serena Williams does not “excited me.” I’m a 48 year old man. Beyonce Knowles does not excite me. You know why? Because I have a four nieces their age. That is the difference between being “grown” and being a pervert. I wish the young fellas well in their pursuit of that, if that rocks their boat.
” I’d recommend you actually try being with a woman or two of different types just to see what it’s like”
I’m have been alive since 1962. Single and dating from 1976 till when I got married 1992. And I dated women of every hue, from each region on this planet and have been to each of the continents with the exception of Antarctica. My scope is wide and it still is… When my wife died in 2006, I did my time in grief. I’ve sent to two step sons to China to study in the last 3 years. You don’t know me, I told you before, stick to “what you think you know!” But because you’re a straight bigot, it will always be skewed and will exude a cultural and sexual prejudice… The only thing that has ever frustrated me in my life is that I could not cure sickle cell anemia so my beautiful heart could not spend one day without knowing physical pain. You don’t have a clue, and you shame yourself every time you try to be snide…
I can care less about the Evil 4 letter and what they display on their pages to sheep like you… So your trying to compare the physique of “Derek” Jeter (you seem to have a problem with spelling it) and Serena Williams? One word: ophthalmologist, please go and visit one. We already know you have problems, Big Ones! Maybe that will help with your problem with measurements (”28 inches), so do you need me to link up a Crowd Cut coupon for you? I don’t want you to break your penny bank…
“I know; I was upstairs just this morning. Sorry about the noise.”
I hope you had a good time, you must have been in my attic and I know you and that squirrel were making a lot of noise. I know little Grey Squirrel was looking might unsatisfied when he trying to get down the pecan tree. Maybe you should have spread your tight cheeks wider? I live in a ranch…
Oh yeah, it is FLAME ON! I’m going to burn you like Dresden! Now, try to get the last word again… And now go look up what the word: “bigot” really means before trying to infer another meaning on to it…
JSS
March 29th, 2011
5:55 pm
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
4:47 pm
“Jeff must also be a tasteless pedophile like the rest of us…shame on you, Jeff.”
That is the first honest statement you ever made… Jeff Schultz knows where I stand on that parade of way too young girls that use to be a regular drool fest for the pedophiles amongst you bloggers… He’s done a lot better with the exception of that Central Florida thing last December…
@ Joel…
Type in “Chris Phillips no money” on Google… That accompanying quote will sum you up… Mind your own business…
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
6:14 pm
You certainly are one amusing sociopath. Watching you try to put your “thoughts” to virtual paper is like watching a bad stand-up comedian flopping in his own muck-sweat to a silent crowd…uncomfortably tragic but hard to look away from nonetheless. You’re an absolute dumpster fire.
I’ll not bother to address the 90% of that last post that didn’t even make any sense or pertain to anything I’ve actually said or inferred, and just stick to one point in particular. If all you say about yourself is true, and you’re really the world’s wisest and most experienced Renaissance man, then why on earth do you spend your time on Schultz’ blog correcting people’s typos and screaming incoherent rants about racism at people who have a differing idea of feminine beauty than yourself? Shouldn’t you be curing cancer, or solving global warming, or “teaching the young idea to shoot” at some prestigious university?
It certainly makes one wonder. It’s especially interesting that you continue to “be yourself,” such as it is, around here when nobody else here seems to like you. Does that do something for you? Does it help you work out your numerous and deeply seeded issues to be scorned and held in contempt by the very people you choose yourself to associate with? If so, I think we should all start charging you for therapy, though you’re such a fascinating case of freak show it’d almost be worth doing pro bono to discover how a mediocre mind unhinged functions in a crowded room.
No, you strike me as the kind of guy who’s actual high point in life was putting that Associate’s from Phoenix University Online to work as a substitute teacher in some god-awful middle school, where you put copies of your self-published vanity books on your desk to look to your apathetic students as if you were actually qualified to teach 6th grade English. Then when you and they both found out you weren’t, that glorious moment came to an end and you’ve been the poor wretch you are now ever since arguing with your cats and screaming at kids to get off your lawn.
As to why I’M on here bothering to continue this diatribe, it’s because I’m bored and I find it amusing watching you bring your “brain” to the point of embolism trying to look like you’re anything but a pathetic fool, and you just keep digging your hole deeper and deeper into hilarity and pathos with every reply.
I like you, JSS; you’re the most entertaining moron I’ve watched since Karl from “Sling Blade.” At least he knew his limitations.
JSS
March 29th, 2011
6:33 pm
““teaching the young idea to shoot” at some prestigious university?”
I did it already at Wayne State…
I come on this blog because I returned home to care for my ailing Mother. But being the genius that you are; you choose to enlighten me on “how” you satisfied her last night… What next on your list, going for necrophilia?
Next time I see Billy Bob Thornton, I tell him that you enjoyed his portrayal. But, the character is fiction, much like your observations…
So keep trying Charlie Brown. Sooner or later, you gonna actually kick the ball!
Yours truly,
JSS
B. Sci/B. Arts Dual degrees, Class of 1988 Eastern Michigan University (So much for that Associates from UofPh.) That was Macon State in 1984 Assoc. of Arts…
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
6:44 pm
And he’s back to trying to impress me with his credentials! Congratulations, JSS; you’ve come full circle to what you were doing the last time we argued…is that really the best you can do when you run out of ideas? Throw a degree out from Directional State University as some sort of shield against being intellectually outclassed by the vast majority of this blog (which isn’t saying very much)? Hoo-ray for you! I hope I can achieve such lofty goals by the time I’m your age; your folks must be proud.
But really, though, is that actually the tail end of your trick bag? If so, you’re not nearly as interesting as I thought.
Gotta run for a bit but I’ll be back; I can’t wait to see if you can manage a whole new THIRD independent thought. Good luck! If you need an insult to work of of, just let me know. You’re an endless canvas for them.
JSS
March 29th, 2011
7:27 pm
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
6:44 pm
The squirrel said bring some lube this time… You need it…
The Grinch
March 29th, 2011
7:41 pm
I would hope so, anyone who DIDN’T need lube with a squirrel would be pretty poorly off, indeed.
Have a nice day, man. I’m off to greener pastures.
dtc
March 29th, 2011
9:51 pm
I think the most profound statement in this entire article is the profound admittance to and explanation of Schultz’s issues. An Ouija board. It really explains a lot of the silliness and extreme ignorance included in so many of his articles.
5150 UOAD
March 30th, 2011
12:11 am
The Grinch v JSS feud has me feeling like the Michigan girl with a Michigan Cheerleader girlfriend. When I take a shower all the other girls hate me for thinking I date a Washington Man. UH as if. That cheerleader sweater’s M gives me a RASH on my chest every time we make love.
Grinch enjoy the Squirrel look and JSS stay long enough to give him all the Rabies shots. It sounds like Misery II, Well, with James Cann part being played by JSS and Kathy Bates part being played by the Grinch.
LOL have fun with the blog fight. what round is it now?
the Ring Girl just came out holding up ROUND #8.
Joey
March 30th, 2011
8:27 am
Talking with (and who knows what else) squirrels about sex?
PETA should visit JSS . . .
TiredOfIt
March 31st, 2011
5:12 pm
For those of you posting negative comments about her, Serena Williams looks 20 times better than the old, wrinkled, pale skinned hags most of you guys call your mothers or your wives. Most of whom are either a bag of bones or a bag of suet with flour like complexions. I’d take a fine a$$ sister any day, compared to the women i see walking around at braves or falcons games. These sisters like Serena are one of the main reasons we saw so many light skinned blacks born in the 1800’s-1900’s. Until this day, your women try to act like sisters, dress like sisters, dance like sisters, and pursue black men like sisters and that really eats you guys up!!!!