Countdown: Surrogate Uga, Serena (wowsa), pom-pom mom

The Count isn't spooked by Uga. Or Blue.

When The Count and I came to contractual terms on another season, we had to insert a clause that stated: “No items about dogs.” Here’s why: Otherworldly creatures have a thing about dogs. It’s true. I used to do the Ouija board a lot as a kid, I think because I was trying to look for another planet or another dimension or something in the space-time continuum that was more conducive to, well, me. But every time the family dog ran into the room, the spirit left the building. The spook was spooked. I think I asked a spirit about it once and he spelled out something about dogs being soul-less. Or maybe it was the flatulence. I forgot. Anyway, The Count and I agreed to the clause with one notable exception: All items relating to Uga were allowed. Which is why we are here this week. Until the next Uga comes along, we have a surrogate for all Bulldogs fans. Or is this a concern? We count down . . .

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10. While Georgia waits for Uga, a new dawg has taken over

Blue II is hogging the spotlight. Not good.

So Butler is in the Final Four again. By now, you know they’re the Bulldogs, too. But did you know they used to the Christians? Yes, they converted, apparently after having a really bad football season in 1919. But rather than change religions, they changes species. Then, only 81 years later, Butler had a novel thought: Hey, let’s get a bulldog to be the Bulldogs’ mascot! So, stealing a page from Georgia, Butler found a stray and named him Blue. (Just kidding. Actually, the dog had just run away from Bobby Knight in Bloomington.) Any way, Blue lasted a few years. Then in 2004 he was succeeded by Blue II. He attends most games but hasn’t been allowed to travel in this tournament because the NCAA said there wasn’t enough “space” in the arena. Actually, I believe suspicious transcripts were a factor. Or he was at Bruce Pearl’s barbecue. But the NCAA has approved Blue II being at the Final Four in Houston. And warning: His celebrity status will grow even more.

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9. The next Uga needs a Twitter page

There is no current Uga. Let’s just say it has been a bad run for doggies in Athens lately. Meanwhile, Georgia fans have only Russ from the Seiler Temp Agency to keep them company. And during this period of mourning, look what has happened: Blue II has his own Twitter page: @ButlerBlue2. He has his own blog: The Life and Times of Butler Blue II. He made the cover of Indianapolis Pet Guide. Georgia fans can look at this two ways: 1) Pull for Butler because it’s a cool story and they’re named the Bulldogs, too; or 2) pull against Butler because Blue II is hogging the spotlight. And somebody please look into the Seiler’s recruiting.

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8. Canseco charging $10 a minute to tell you why he’s not a fraud

Oh, those sneaky Cansecos. (I think Jose in the ugly green suit.)

Jose Canseco: How low can you go? He was supposed to fight in a celebrity boxing event at a south Florida casino Saturday. But he didn’t show. Canseco apparently sent his twin brother Ozzie Canseco — not that anybody was supposed to notice. Because of a battle between the financial parties that’s really not worth going into, Canseco told Ozzie to pretend he was him, show up and collect the $5,000. (Jose had already received the other $5,000). His brother said yes, of course, because being Jose Canseco’s brother generally isn’t as profitable as it used to be. So what was the tip-off that something was wrong? El Nuevo Herald, the Spanish version of the Miami Herald, quoted an unidentified fight official as saying when Ozzie took off his shirt, he “didn’t have José’s tattoos on the biceps that appear in our advertising.” Wait, this gets better! Go to Canseco’s Twitter site (@JoseCanseco) and you’ll find this post: “call 3108626309 if you want to know the truth about celebrity boxing all monies go to charity.” It’s a fan line. Canseco is charging $10 per minute for the call. “All monies go to charity”? Right. I’ll pass. But there is good news. I have an excuse to show Canseco getting clobbered again by kick boxer Hong Man Choi.

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7. Serena and her semi-porn debut (did that hook you in?)

This is what Serena looks like walking toward you. For what she looks like walking away, click the video.

The Count has never had a problem with women athletes who are willing to be objectified in advertising (and/or photo shoots) for money. Hey, if not for Jan Stephenson, I never would’ve watched women’s golf as a young bat. The Count once did a risque commercial for a blood bank. You know how it goes: Dracula knocks on the door; woman named Bambi wearing a naughty nighty answers; Dracula, wearing a wet see-through cape, asks for blood donations. It’s the usual cliche Hollywood love story. Anyways, Serena Williams did a commercial for the “Top Spin 4″ video game, and it is not suitable for the Cartoon Network. I think it was produced by one of those small production companies at a Holiday Inn Express in Van Nuys. You can hear and see it below. She wears a tight leotard and thigh-high boots. Her opponent wears leather and fishnet stockings. They both grunt a lot. I mean, really. Does it matter what they’re selling? The ad was rejected, but of course the game gets all of this free publicity. And fortunately, the ad lives on in various dark corners of YouTube:

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6. An update from the Four (Headless) Horsemen and Lou Holtz

Holtz when he resigned in 1996 (before probation hit).

In one of the strangest decisions ever for an academic institution, Notre Dame is going to give an honorary law degree to Lou Holtz — the only coach in the school’s history to get the Irish’s football program on probation. (Of course, he resigned in 1996, three years before the NCAA put the hammer down. Always seems to work that way for Lou.). Notre Dame seems to have forgotten all about the probation. Two years ago, a statue of Holtz was unveiled on campus. I’m sure canonization is just around the corner. I mean, OK, he sinned. But win a national championship and they’ll find a way to bury the bodies.

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5. So I guess the Braves’ (and The Count’s) street cred just went up

Braves decided this ad isn't so bad after all.

Wow, does The Count have that much power? Last week I received an email from my new tattoo pal Johnny Hollywood (stage name) of 13 Roses Tattoo in East Point. Johnny said that a few months back, he received a phone call asking if he wanted to purchase ad space in the Braves’ new yearbook. Being a baseball fan, he said yes. Then a strange thing happened. Hollywood received a call from the publishing company and was told that the ad was rejected. Why? Quoting from the email: “The Braves have specifically asked them to remove my ad and the shop as a sponsor – they do not want to be affiliated with a tattoo shop.” I asked the Braves about this policy Monday. Then a stranger thing happened. “Mysteriously, I just got a call today out of the blue, saying they’ve reversed their decision,” Hollywood said. “They said it was a misunderstanding. I don’t know how it could’ve been. The ad was right there. Did you say something?” Well, The Count doesn’t like to brag but . . . The Braves used the word “misunderstanding” with me as well. Not saying I’m the tattoo type. But they are far more mainstream now than they were 20 years ago. Hollywood says his shop has worked on some Falcons but not any Braves. “I’d love to be able to hand out some T-shirts and maybe talk to Eric Hinske,” he said. No surprise. In case you missed Hinske’s “living canvas” from my blog last spring, click here.

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4. Flushing out the truth (full credit to Boston Herald)

I'm not certain if Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein (or Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman) ever quoted somebody in the men's room.

A long-time friend of mine works in Boston, Ron Borges. Broke the New England Patriots Super Bowl drug story back in 1986. As good a reporter as I’ve ever known. Now he covers the NFL for the Boston Herald. So Ron was covering the NFL owners meetings in New Orleans last week and, well, nature called. And there he sat, on his throne at the Roosevelt Hotel in the public restroom, when in walked NFL attorney Bob Batterman. Borges apparently is an expert in voice recognition. Even when he’s multi-tasking. He heard Batterman tell another league official: “Now we settle in for the long battle. I thought we had a chance to avoid it a couple of weeks ago, but it didn’t happen.” So much for any thought that this lockout was going to be quick. I sense NFL execs will be more truthful in the bathroom than a press conference. Meanwhile, still checking to see if the Pulitzer committee is convening for a special award for Borges’ resourcefulness.

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3. Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Godfather . . . and My Mother The Cheerleader

Coming to big screen: Pom-pom mom. (Bengals.com)

Hollywood — the town, not the tattoo dude — must be really desperate for story lines. New Line Cinema is planing to make a movie on Laura Vikmanis, the 42-year-old mother of two and Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleader. Now, this is nothing against Ms. Vikmanis, especially given how she looks at the age of 42 (and let’s hope Mrs. Count is not reading this). But a movie? One of the screenwriters, Kathy Greenberg, called it, “a feel good populist story in the vein of the ‘Blind Side.’” Right. Michael Oher, an African American, grew up in poverty, had a drug-addicted mother, grew up in several foster homes, eventually was raised by white family and later starred at Ole Miss and the NFL. And then there is Vikmanis — white divorced mother of two who thought cheering would be fun. Yeah. I see the parallels. Here’s Ms. Vikmanis from a radio interview with WLW in Cincinnati:  “I was in the process of a divorce, which took a very long time. During that time, I said to myself, ‘I am so unhappy. What can I do to really get myself back to myself and really enjoy myself in life?’ Finally, I went to a game and I saw the cheerleaders down on the field and I said, ‘I think I can do that.’” This is probably too challenging for Meryl Streep. One final note: Greenberg and co-writer Emily Cook are famous for “Ratatouille” and “Gnomeo and Juliet” — both cartoon movies.

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2. While we’re on the subject of performance-enhancements . . .

Bell in a business suit. You can Google for better pictures.

One of Barry Bonds’ defense lawyers, Cristina Arguedas, tried to discredit the damaging steroid testimony of Kimberly Bell by accusing Bonds’ former girlfriend of trying to profit from the broken relationship by posing nude for Playboy. Bell, of course, was relieved. She had thought she was going to have to testify about her own body being artificially enhanced.

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1. And finally . . .

Anthony Johnson, a wide receiver at Columbia University, has been arrested for buying 42 fake IDs from a company out of China. He planned to sell them at a profit to his friends. Even if Johnson is kicked off the football team, he may earn credit hours toward an MBA.

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By Jeff Schultz

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